Absurd, pre-pubescent, sloppy and badly made.

Rating: 1/10 (20 December 2011)

I only watched TWILIGHT because it was lent to me by a wonderful friend...alas, whose intelligent mind has been liquefied by this pigs garbage. It fails on every level imaginable. A book constructed for young girls (who have yet to understand that true relationships are not as sugar-coated or romantic as the one that features in the story) is turned into a bald, oozing, one-dimensional script in 6 WEEKS. Out of that effortless pile of starry-eyed, pouting slush is produced what must be the worst film of the 21st century. It tells us nothing about life, about reaching out to another, about sympathy, empathy and desire...it can't even successfully entertain because it's so slow-paced and uneventful (as it has to be, seeing as the one interesting thing about the film is it's cinematography).
No wonder feminist film critics have called the TWILIGHT franchise insulting. Bella Swan is a drip of a woman. She let's the men in her life walk all over for her, backwards and forwards and then backwards again. Her obsessive creep of a boyfriend promises that he will protect her, only because he equates her with heroin and cannot tolerate the idea of having to share her. He separates her from her friends and family, only to take her to the worst realms of physical and mental pain a teenage girl can endure. Does Bella protest? No. What an absolute dope. Watching Kirsten Stewart blink and gasp and mutter her way through this already exasperating excuse of a story made me want to tear my own head off-first of all because I've seen better acting coming from college students, and second of all because her personality and behaviour are maddening.
Robert Pattinson can only be called attractive by youngsters who have a very insipid and unrealistic idea of what men are like (I do not say so as a sweeping generalisation). His wide eyes, flat nose, aquatic pout, Tsunami-quiff and shuddering monotone made me yell at the screen "HOW can ANYBODY-teenager or no-find this man attractive or sexy?!!". As for his character...can one even be said to exist? Tormented romantic he is not. Obsessive stalker he certainly is. And this is what kids these days are being made to feel is desirable? Well, let them have him I say...so long as they save all the charismatic and interesting men for me! And you won't find any of them in TWILIGHT, that's for sure.
The script is full of holes. No character is developed or communicated beyond fluttering eyelashes, moist lower lips and monotonous delivery. The absurdity of the plot is, in fact, the one thing about this film that grows and grows and grows. I especially loved the bit where teenage Bella decides Edward is a vampire after googling him and stumbling across some rubbish home-made Geocities webpages. You can't always rely on the authenticity of the internet. Maybe I'll google "strawberry-pink cyclops giraffes living on the moon" and discover that's real as well.
All I can say is TWILIGHT is a ridiculous fantasy that can only make sense to teenagers-who believe they are the centre of the universe as it is. Vampires and werewolves have been culturally dumped, reduced to the stuff of fairy tales, due to trash like this. Don't put yourself through it unless, like me, you enjoy seeing just how bad some films are. 0/10