Not a new fan... sorry, folks

Rating: 5/10 (29 January 2010)

I'm a 24-year-old male.
"Twilight" is a very strange movie. The notion of vampires falling in love with humans is nothing new; just think of Bram Stoker's timeless classic "Dracula." But "Twilight" is nowhere near the Gothic horror and romance of ye old "Dracula"; it's just cheesy pop romance for hormonally charged teens and young adults who think that all vampires have to look like they just stepped out of "GQ."
"Twilight" is still a very strange movie to me, and I'm not a new fan of the films or the books by Stephenie Meyer that inspired them. Now usually, I'm a sucker for romance stuff, even though I primarily like to watch action, sci-fi, and horror movies. (For the record, I like all movies, but those three are my primary interests.) So why did I find it so hard to even find an iota of any positive qualities to really like in this movie?
For the most part, I just thought the whole thing was pretty cheesy, but what can you expect from a series of young adult novels? The story involves two loner/weirdos coming together and falling in love. I was a bit of a loner/weirdo in high school, so I should have gravitated straight toward this movie, but alas that didn't happen. (My computer-nerd friends also hate these movies.) "Twilight" involves the social transplant of the socially awkward Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) to a Pacific Northwest town that is perpetually swamped in clouds of darkness.
At her new school, she meets the hunkish, Emo-ish, pale-skinned would-be "GQ" model Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). He isn't all that welcoming toward her, but since they sit next to each other in biology class, they have to work together if they want to make the grade. Their relationship continues to grow and eventually blossoms into a tentative romance. In case the "big twist" has somehow escaped you (how is that even possible with this movie?), the reason Edward was initially so distant toward Bella is because he's a vampire.
But he's not just any vampire. He comes from a family of vampires who are "vampiric vegetarians," meaning that they have sworn off human blood in favor of the local wildlife. You see, even though he's sworn off meat, he's still fighting with every inch of his being to not make Bella his next meal. Pretty soon the two are parading around school, holding hands and showing off how much they're in love with each other. Meanwhile, Bella's cop father (Billy Burke) is investigating several vicious animal attacks that have been plaguing the area recently. Of course, there's no "big twist" or mystery here either; a trio of rebellious young bloodsuckers have turned the woods in and around town into their own personal hunting ground and when they get wind that human Bella is being protected by Edward and his family, their leader James (Cam Gigandet) makes it his personal mission to sink his teeth into Bella's neck at any cost.
Regardless of how cheesy I think this movie is, it looks fantastic, like an actual Gothic horror movie (everything is drenched in an icy-blue hue), and is competently directed by Catherine Hardwicke ("Thirteen"). A lot of the dialogue is pretty hokey, and doesn't really extend beyond the type of stuff you'd probably read about in any run-of-the-mill teen romance novel. The young cast including the strangely attractive Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson perfectly fit their roles, even though they are by no means great actors here. Still, they're just so pretty! Everyone in this cast looks so young and pretty - everything a hormonally charged youth could ever look for in a movie like this.
The main problem that I have with "Twilight" and other vampire movies/shows that present sexy-looking vampires is that they seem to trample on the legacy put forth by previous vampire movies. They all think vampires need to look like "GQ" models. In other words, they're no longer something to fear; they're something for young girls to swoon over - hence, all the female attention aimed at Robert Pattinson and his face on the cover of EVERY teen magazine you could think of. That's why my favorite of the old-school horror movie monsters were always werewolves. They were always the most grungy and sympathetic of all the old-school movie monsters. (For the record, I'm not looking forward to "The Wolfman" in a few weeks. Give me "The Wolf Man" or "An American Werewolf in London" any day, preferably my all-time favorite werewolf movie "An American Werewolf in London.")
I'm also not a fan of how "Twilight" tramples all over ancient vampire mythology. Of course I'm talking about vampires that can go out in the daylight, vampires that sparkle & glisten when the sun shines on them, vampires that can run like the wind through the woods, vampires that can climb trees like Spider-Man, and vampires that HAVE ("have" is italicized) a reflection in the mirror. I can buy the vampires not drinking human blood, fine, but all the other stuff - no way - it's just way too much trampling all over well-established vampire lore, and, remember, vampires aren't my favorite of the old-school movie monsters.
I'm not a new fan of "Twilight." (My friends aren't either.) I am glad that I finally got to see what all the hoopla was about. It's really nothing to get all hyped up over.
5/10
P.S.: The greatest vampire movie of 2008 was the Swedish import "Let the Right One In."