Vampires Defanged

Rating: 4/10 (11 October 2009)

It's slick. It's glossy. And sometimes it's so bright it *sparkles*. But like the "vegetarian" vampires (they subsist on animal blood, not human) that rest at the center of its story, "Twilight" is also pretty bland. Even for a story about the walking undead, the film itself is just as lacking in any sort of dramatic pulse. I have not read Stephenie Meyer's books, but by the end of "Twilight"'s distended running time (clocking in at just over 2 hours), I felt that I had borne witness to a hatchet-job adaptation, where everything revolves around star-crossed lovers Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson). She's a shy girl moving in with her sheriff father in the rainy Northwestern town of Forks, WA; he's an elite member of a pale-faced clan of ageless vampires, whose hormones run in conjunction with his innate predatory lust toward Bella. While "Twilight" isn't a boring film, its lack of pathos and underdeveloped supporting characters leaves a lot to be desired: vampires have been portrayed as sexy, repulsive, aristocratic, and natural born charmers, but the overbearing "sex is bad, abstinence is good" philosophy at work here all but fizzles any potential excitement, which is a shame, because Stewart and Pattinson (despite a pretty equal share of awkward beats and line readings) make for an interesting couple. Director Catherine Hardwicke does a fine job establishing the gloomy setting, but fails to integrate special effects convincingly, or create a palpably exciting climactic showdown; and Melissa Rosenberg's (who has written many great episodes of Showtime's character-driven "Dexter") script treats anything outside the Bella/Edward union as a distraction, leading to undercooked backstories, motivations, and a central "villain" whose screen time is so fleeting his presence barely registers at all. It's a shame, really: vampires have been at the center of much great art through the years; the notion of sunlight causing these pale bloodless suckers to *sparkle* instead of burn to a crisp is probably making Bram Stoker roll in his grave.