And I Thought The Notebook Was Bad!

Rating: 1/10 (28 March 2009)

Before I even saw this movie,I knew this movie would suck.Like millions of tween girls in America and all over the world,I read Twilight.But,unlike millions of those rabid fan girls,I thought the book was absolutely horrible.It wasn't even a book,it was just a wet dream of a fat and sexually frustrated Mormon.There was no plot,the characters were extremely shallow,and the "romance" between Edward and Bella was seriously f***** up.
The only reason I even saw this horrible piece of s*** was because no other movie was playing at the theater I went to and I was curious to see how bad it really was.
And what I saw that night was one of the most boring two hours of my life.Like the book,this movie had no plot(although they DID do quite a weak attempt to conceive one),characters were extremely shallow,and of course,Edward was quite a creep.
But that's not all why this movie sucked,it was these other reasons,too.
*The Acting-Some of the worst I've ever seen in a film.Especially a tween film at that.Robert Pattinson was just OK,but the character of Edward was going to make any actor's performance a bad one.Kristin Stewart as Bella was so irritating to watch,she was always twitching and stuttering,which made the movie even more uncomfortable to watch.And the chemistry between Rob and Kirstin?None whatsoever.They reminded me of an old couple who had been together for too long and couldn't stand each other.Hell,I can only recall three incidents when Kirstin even smiled in Rob's presence.Other than that,it was Rob who was doing most of the smiling.
*Cinematography-The movie was also grotesque visually.It had that De-saturated look that made a dead movie look even more dead.It almost felt like I was watching somebody's funeral,which,in a way,it was.The funeral for good teen movies.Don't get me wrong,that De-saturated look can work,it did in Sweeney Todd and Sleepy Hollow,but it didn't in this movie.Obviously the cinematographer tried to hard to make this movie dark and mysterious,but with the rest of the movie an epic fail,it just didn't work.
*The Script-Well,the script was obviously going to be bad since it's source material was s*** in the first place.Like the book,it had no plot and corny dialogue.
*Costume Design,Hair and Makeup-Another horrible job out of the dozen in this film.The costumes were boring and didn't express any of the character's individuality and tried to hard to be goth(not like these characters actually DID have any individuality,but still).The makeup was even worse.All the vampires looked bleached out,especially Nikki Reed,who has some Native American roots belonging to her,and the obvious attempts to make her look white came out looking all fake.Another thing that made everything look artificial was the obvious dye-jobs applied to some of the actors,notably Nikki Reed and the guy who played Carlisle.And Jacob's wig,need I say more?
Luckily,this movie isn't considered a classic because if it were then my faith in humanity would go down tremendously.However,on a brighter note,there was very small gems in this film.
*Eric-In the book,Eric is the more chess club type as described by Bella in the book.However,in the movie,the script gave him more diversity and turned him into a Gaysian.All the scenes he was in made the movie a little less bad.
*Charlie and Billy-The dads of Bella and Jacob didn't have much character in the book,but in the movie,they did and actually had some great scenes together.Who can forget the line "I'm down with the kids." and the scene when Edward comes into Bella's house and Charlie clicks his gun and says "Bring him in."?
Unfortunately,these small gems couldn't save the movie from it's steaming pile of s***.However,in my opinion,the movie was somewhat better than the book.By 0.03%.The 1,000 scenes of OMG,EDDIEKINS IS SO GORGEOUS AND GODLIKE AND SPARKLY AND GOOD SMELLING I WANT TO BE WITH HIM FOREVER AND EVER were omitted.
However,if you are a movie fan and want to see a good movie,I strongly recommend you don't.For a good vampire movie,watch Interview With The Vampire.