Avoid at all costs...

Rating: 1/10 (17 August 2011)

To say this review "contains spoilers" is to imply the viewing experience will be ruined, or at least in some way damaged by reading them. This film has already been "spoiled" There are few redeeming features - the scenery and the reasonably pleasant looking Kristen Stewart being the only 2 I can think of. The film opens with a pale girl (Stewart) moving from Arizona (and her mother) to Washington State (and her dad) - no hard feelings on either side though. She meets some random Native Americans and then goes to school where she immediately is befriended by an unbelievable multi-ethnic group. Also a mysterious family of incestuous "foster" kids, who seem to be the only paler beings than Bella (Stewart) in existence. They also all look to be in their mid-20's despite supposedly being 17. Brooding amongst this group is Robert Patterson - who is her "leading man". This is where the film ended for me - the interaction between the two of them was so static and unbelievable - it bypassed normal teen awkwardness and descended into slow motion shots and.....so....many.....pauses, seriously this film would be half an hour shorter if they had a conversation like normal teenagers. After being saved from an out of control car by Patterson our two star-crossed lovers start hanging out and she guesses he is a vampire - but a nice one who doesn't feed on humans any more. A small part of me died then. RP wants to show her then what he looks like in the sunlight (these vampires are fine wandering about in the daylight, but avoid sunlight at all costs). A part of me wanted him to explode into dust so the film would end, but sadly it didn't. Instead we saw, not a burning vampire, not a revealed monstrosity drooling blood. No. He was sparkly. That's right, he sparkled. Gold. Like an underground 80's pop star covered in glitter. I didn't pay much attention after this happened, I only kept the telly on as background noise - there was a "humerous" scene where KS went round RPs house and the rest of his "family" (incuding the local doctor) used the kitchen "for the first time" to cook her some food. There was a baseball game with vamp powers and KS got stalked by some random "evil" vampire. Ends with him biting her RP and the family destroy him and RP sucks out the vampire "poison" just saving her from turning into a vamp herself, before RP and KS head off to the prom - as you do. This was over 2hrs of wasted life - it makes Buffy look like Oscar winning acting and I am amazed it was ever green lighted for filming. A true golden turd winner, knocking even the derisable APEX from it's lowly perch.