Don't let your daughters watch this crap

Rating: 2/10 (7 April 2010)

I like vampires. I like the night predator aspect, the lurking in the dark danger, and I get the tall dark stranger sex appeal. With this in mind, Twilight wanted me to put a wooden stake in my face!
The story centers around Bella, that's Isabella, but why nitpick about names, they're all pretty ridiculous. She moves from sunny Arizona to rainy, gloomy Washington State, and contrary to the way the REAL world works, is instantly accepted into the popular niche'. She becomes fascinated with Edward Cullen, who is a vampire. Although the fact that no one knows that he and his family are vampires goes to show the entire town must be drinking lead tea to wash down their bowls of stupid. The Cullen family are all pale, don't come out when it's sunny, keep to themselves, and never seem to age. Their eyes are weird looking, and apparently nobody put two and bloody two together. While we're on the subject, why would a vampire hang around high school? Ed the vampire is over a hundred years old, what's he doing in high school? I didn't want to be in high school when I WAS in high school, I sure as hell wouldn't spend the rest of eternity in it!!
Anyway, Bella becomes obsessed with Edward, who is already obsessed with her, and I'm already bored. There's some hints of a plot about unexplained animal attack killings, but it's hidden under a thick, heavy, moldy blanket of boring teen melodrama. This is what girls want to see? Two people who can't get their dialogue right, both apparently born without personalities fumbling into a nonsensical romance just because... actually, that's a good question, WHY the hell are they attracted to each other? Maybe it's because they share an absolute aversion to being interesting. For the two main characters, they're the least interesting in the entire story. I even found myself wanting to know more about the rest of the school's gossip simply because it seemed mildly more interesting.
Eventually, and I can't believe I'm writing this, Edward takes Bella with his family to play a kind of super-powered baseball, and that's when the bad vampires show up. Who are they? More interesting characters that have appeared out of nowhere. Well, the Cullens try to hide Bella, but she's functionally retarded, so she falls for a very simple ploy and is lured into the clutches of the bad vampires. An extremely dull fight scene results, Bella is bitten, but before she's turned into a vampire, Ed sucks the poison out. Oh good, for a moment I thought something interesting might happen like CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!
This is what we're letting teen girls watch? Some people compare this story to Romeo and Juliet, but they're clearly on crack. While admittedly the characters are just as flat as Romeo and Juliet, the story is absolute drivel.
And now for the elephant in the room: Sparkly vampires. Are you kidding me? How is a night predator supposed to hunt anything when his body glitters like he's in a stage show in Las Vegas? When did vampires become so weak and ineffectual? Spending all their time seducing jailbait or moping about their lot in unlife, give these vampires a pair... of FANGS!
In short, bad message for girls, bad story, and you know the entire concept of pacing? Well the director doesn't because there ISN'T ANY!! It just sort of meanders from one scene to the next with no cohesion or tension. I care more about the lint on my rug than the fate of these kids. As a writer/director/living person THIS IS A BAD THING FOR YOUR MOVIE!!!
Though Alice is pretty cute.