Oddly entertaining

Rating: 3/10 (26 July 2012)

First of all I have to admit that I only read the first two books and that I didn't like them. The writing is poor (it seems Ms Meyer only knows 3 different adjectives to describe Edward), the love story is completely wrong, the two main characters have no substance, and the action is non-existent. And the film was very close to the book in those aspects.
However I enjoyed it very much in another way. The screen writing was so bad I laughed all the time, always at the wrong moments. Just take the first scenes between Bella and Charlie. I know they're supposed to feel awkward around each other, but in my world awkward doesn't mean BORING. And GOD! The first time Bella and Edward speak, during their biology lesson, what a profound and meaningful conversation! After so many one-word sentences, it's logical they fall in love so deeply. If a guy said "prophase" while looking at me like I'm a nuisance, I don't think I could resist him. Especially if he is moody and starts stalking me. Such a charmer.
I am a romantic. Hell, no. I am a HUGE romantic. Which is exactly why I couldn't take this film seriously, even for one second. That's probably the worst romance ever written.
In a way it is not entirely the writers' fault, since in the book the dialogues are very similar, but I thought they would come up with some good romantic moments to make up for the lack of story. However there is always something unintentionally funny in those scenes : Kristen Stewart always looking like she has a bad taste in her mouth, Edward going all disco style when he's in the sun, the fact that their longest conversation must be ten-words long, or the fact that he plays on the cheapest piano like it's a freakin Steinway (okay maybe I'm being difficult there).
And Bella. Oh.My.God. To be fair, she's exactly like in the books, but that's not a good thing. She thinks she's miserable even though she has no reason to be, and she thinks she is so special and mature, even though I know lots of girls who wear jeans and don't like shopping. God, I used to be one! The first thing that came to my mind when Edward told her he couldn't read her mind was that it's because she doesn't have a mind to be read.
Well, I could write a book about the reasons why Bella is such a terrible character, but let's focus on the film itself. Kristen Stewart probably meant to show us how tortured Bella really is, but it has absolutely no effect on me. She just looks the same all the time. Not tortured, but...smelling something bad maybe, which is why she would always have to keep her mouth open. She shows no reaction at all when she discovers what Edward really is. And frankly, if you suspect someone to be a vampire, you really think the smart thing is to skip school to talk to them...in the middle of the woods??? And even an unhappy person can smile from time to time. Especially if they're supposed to be a very private person, because they would put on a good face in society. Even Edward-the-tortured-vampire tries smiling from time to time.
I suppose they tried to make the whole aspect of the film artistic and beautiful, unsuccessfully since our attention is more often drawn to the poor makeup and cheesy dialogue than to the aesthetics. In the hospital scene, I could literally see the line between Carlisle's white makeup and his real skin color. I understand that vampire's skin is supposed to be very white, but with HD on most TV(I can't imagine how it was in theaters), I don't see how you can't see the inch-thick layer of foundation on the actors' faces.
As for the action...I mean, this is a vampire movie, right? You're supposed to be scared, and the story is supposed to lead to a big climax in the ballet studio, where there's a huge fighting between the vampires. Well no. I felt absolutely no tension, and I didn't have time to be afraid for Bella, the rescue team was already there. And did they struggle to kill James? No, it was so easy you wonder why they just didn't kill him in Forks where they could all wait for him to come and get Bella.
Don't get me started on the VFX. But then they were actually quite good compared to the second film.
For me watching this film was a little bit like watching "the room". It was very entertaining because it was so bad, but why do some adults seriously like it, despite its silliness? The friend who lent me her DVD told me simply : "I like it because when I put it on I can do chores at the same time, like vacuuming or sewing." ... Okay, that sentence alone sums it up.