Vampires of the World ... Avenge yourselves

Rating: 1/10 (15 April 2009)

First of all I have to admit that I have never heard about the books before this movie, after seeing the movie I would not read those books even if I get paid to do so.
The story line seems directed at very young girls, so I was kinda of reluctant to see the movie, but I am such a fan of vampires (Louis, Lestat, Buffy, Angel, Spike, Selene), I thought that I might as well give it a shot.
I was greatly disappointed. The plot of a deadly dangerous "boy" fall for the "damsel in distress" and protect her with his life against all the dangers of the world, including himself  is romantic and dreamy.
However, the movie turns out to be a huge disappointment and downright ridiculous.
The love scenes between the two main characters are too long and boring, they lack depth, warmth and credibility, he just popped every now and then by her side and told her to stay away from him, she finds out he is a vampire (a reasonably enough deduction! Vampires are known for a fact to exist among us) and fell hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him. I find that I don't relate to them at all. Kong had more passion and facial expressions for God's sake.
Edward has the appeal of a cardboard, he did not strike me as particularly dangerous or brooding, he looked depressed, rather psychotic and severely malnourished. And the speech of "I am the world most dangerous predator' Could he be more ridiculous. Oh yes and he glitters in the sun too! Bella, why did she all the time look like she's just smelled something disgusting? And what is all the stammering and umms and ohhhs and uhs? And here I am a young girl in a strange town and a vampire comes to me and tells me that I smell so good he cannot resist eating me, do I get a little scared, worried ... at all ... not even a little, NO I trust him utterly and completely and throw myself in his arms, putting not only myself but my father as well in danger.
ALL other characters were underdeveloped so there is absolutely no way to judge them, the only prominent feature about them is how bad their makeup was, the faces were too white, this is beyond pale, like they've used flour, and the makeup artist did not even bother to cover all the way down their necks or their ears, and God ... way too much lipsticks. Not to mention the hair, isn't it kick-you-in-the-crotch painful to look at those hair styles. And the Cullens, they tried to be oh-so-dangerous and "vampiry" but they ended up being laughable, strained and ridiculous. I only liked the evil vampires, although again, they were way underdeveloped.
Special effects sucked big time, if I wanted a fast forward bleary motion to show me how fast these guys are, I would have just pressed fast forward on my set.
And why was it only Edward who could suck the venom out of Bella, especially when he is in such danger not to be able to stop, why not Carlisle or Alice. I guess it was only to deliver the silliest scene ever, the expression on Edward's face was priceless.
I have never ever ever in my life heard such a ridiculous script  never  ever ... EVER "Are you going to tell me how you stopped the van? Yeah. Um, I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it" " I only said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be. What does that mean? It means if you're smart, you'll stay away from me. Okay, let's say for argument's sake that I'm not smart" I could go on. Have you ever heard of "We'll always have Paris" or even "You complete me"??!!!?? Where are the aspects that we all love in a vampire movie; dangerous lurking in the night, flinching from the cross, avoiding the sunlight for reasons that does not involve sparkles and glitters, stakes, and fangs ... where are the fangs??? Even just dangerous looking teeth would have satisfied me. I think in this movie vampires will suck your blood dry by simply staring you to death.
So vampire and wolves, my two most favorite creatures of the night have been totally butchered, ridiculed and distorted in this awful ridiculous awful stupid awful movie.
I don't recommend this movie to anyone, in fact I recommend that whoever participated in this movie, even remotely, anyone who was present within two blocks from where they were filming that movie should be set to be eaten by wolves or better yet by vampires ... they really deserve a chance to avenge their tarnished reputation.