Great movie for little girls dying to meet their dark prince.

Rating: 1/10 (31 July 2009)

It's a great movie for little girls dying to meet their dark prince who during his mere century of life never paid a visit to a tan salon.
There's definitely a new, sparkly in the sun, breed of vampires around who, apparently, don't even fume when exposed to that classically dangerous ultraviolet radiation. And that's when you thought Queen of the damned was one of her kind! So, these vampires go to school (no Buffies in this flick) redundantly like college hasn't been invented yet; what a pretty lame excuse for a higher education phobia, I know.
One of these eternal high school vampires meets Isabella, the central heroine of the movie, at a bio lab class. But, instead of greeting her, he's about to puke when he smells her teen flesh, so he rushes out of the classroom like a total bulimic, leaving Isabella thinking that perhaps she forgot to take a shower that morning. After a few days, she finally meets the weirdo again, and he manages to squeeze out a hello out of himself. Then they have a conversation, but, contrary to my expectations of their native English language proficiency reminiscent to that of Juno (remember that pregnant smart-mouthed chick from the eponymous movie?), both of them exhibit severely inadequate articulacy in verbally rather embarrassing situations.
The movie also "unintentionally" serves advertisements to the viewer with an Apple laptop, Google, and eBay. Blah blah blah, Isabella and the weird guy Edward become romantically involved, and what's even weirder than the guy himself is that, since he's born in the year 19-something, his legal age (he likes to tell everyone he's 17 though) is around 100 years (2000-something minus 1900-something equals 100 +/- 10), making him virtually a pedophile. Roughly, that's like Miley Cyrus dating your grandpa, with the exception that he looks like a Jonas brother. So, they go out on a date at a restaurant, but he says he's "on a special diet." Remember I said he was like a bulimic? My apologies: he's an anorexic.
He stalks her for a while, calling it his being "protective" of her. Later on, he takes her to his house where he lives with other high school vampires, among whom is Rosalie, played by Nikki Reed (she's got a huge butt in this movie, and I'd never guess it's hers if I didn't look up the movie's cast). He shows Isabella his room but there's no bed there; she wonders why's that, and it turns out he doesn't sleep - at all (no one to sleep with, apparently). He decides to show her his old kung-fu movie moves where he climbs trees like he's got needles in his butt and flies from one tree to another, all that while carrying Isabella on his back like adult female monkeys do when they have a baby without a babysitter.
Yeah, he keeps stalking her, and this time he appears in her room, saying that "the window was open," and then they try doing it in the bedroom of her dad's house, but it's a PG-13 movie, so he pushes himself off of her, they just lie on her bed, and nothing happens.
Then arrives this hungry horny firecrotch, who thinks Isabella is supposed to become his snack (like there are no girls in other states). And this is mostly where the drama ends and you can enjoy a bit of thriller/action. (: