Liberate te ex inferis: save yourself from hell . . . by not watching this.

Rating: 1/10 (29 November 2008)

The only reason I never read Twilight when it first came out, long before it was popular, was because I read a book review stating that it was a clichéd and traditionaltwo things that I hate more than anything. The only reason I watched the movie was so I could actually understand what the vast majority of America was talking about when they raved about it. I came with low expectations and an open mind. I reassured myself, after all, I do enjoy love stories when they're original and memorable, so this couldn't be too bad, right? Three hours later, I left the theater feeling as if I was just released from a torture device and struggled desperately to my car on weak legs that just walked through hell on earth. Is my last sentence melodramatic? Maybe, but compared to the cheesy melodrama that IS the plot of Twilight, me sitting through that atrocious movie looks downright life-or-death.
From the first scene to the last, at least 1/3 of every scene in the movie is filled with nothing but characters staring at each other or at various things. I've never thought I would have to sit here and actually type up a complete paragraph complaining about the amount of staring in a movie, but, folks, the day has come. Bella meets Edward: they don't talk, they literally just stare. The vampire plot point is reveled: they stare. Bella is in a life-or-death situation: she stares at whatever is about to kill her. At one point, a car is ready to crush her, and what does she oh-so-realistically do? Stare at it.
The acting is that hilariously bad. During the majority of the movie Bella has a look on her face that is a mix between being high and having an orgasmwhile staring. Edward, despite what the horny pre-teen girls (and middle-aged women) want to believe, is a walking self-parody. Cheesy lines (that he repeats over and over again), unintentionally cheesy lines ("I'm so hot, and that makes me a perfect killer!"), and did I mention he's supposedly hundreds of years old yet he still acts like an angsty-creepy-weird-virgin-guy?
So, how was the story? It's based on a novel, so it has to have a plot, right? Wrong. Put simply, vampire romance is the most unoriginal idea ever to hit literature. Not to mention movies like Near Dark and Let the Right One In already beat the overused plot bloody on the big screen. Essentially, Twilight in one line is: boy and girl fall in love, boy must sacrifice everything for girl as she sits there like a pretty Barbie doll (and Kristen Stewart isn't even much to look at here), then they both commit. And while you're watching it, it seems even less interesting than that. There is zero entertainment value unless you're a hopelessly horny female who humps her pillow with images of Edward in her head, or you're a hopelessly pathetic male who just wants to impress his girlfriend because he can relate to a "emotional love story". I can't comment on the former, but, seriously, I'm a guy who likes love stories and this is NOT a love story. It's a traditionalist middle school English essay with flat characters and no plot other than: put two horny kids together, but appeal to the "dark" crowd by making it a vampire story . . . without even showing fangs.
Other dishonorable mentions: 1) Twilight = Napoleon Dynamite - the humor + stupid subplots 2) The "Restrain yourself, Edward, don't suck her blood!" scene brings unintentional cheese to a new level 3) The movie never ends; two hours seems like eternity (in hell) 4) Baseball doesn't make edge-of-your-seat action 5) There is no action 6) There are no real vampires unless you count pretty-boys 7) Stephanie Myers completely screws up the vampire myths
I almost feel sorry for Catherine Hardwicke. She's an amazing director, and she singlehandedly turned this stupid crap-fest into a well-done movie on a technical level, and everything else was out of her hands. But who would honestly turn down the money this movie would bring in? I don't blame her, I blame Stephanie Myers.
I also feel sorry for the countless people who watch this and think it's a quality love story, thus never being exposed to the true love stories out there. What is Twilight? A horny, unoriginal, childish fantasies put into a movie. That, like always, wins mass reader, and now viewer, acclaim. I just wish one day popular fiction wasn't a synonym for retard fiction.
0/10