Aliens, Not Vampires

Rating: 3/10 (13 November 2017)

Book adaptations are always difficult, and genre fiction has a hard time hiding its generic qualities on film. The Good: Extreme Longshots of Pacific Northwest; Anna Kendrick's astute critiques of the story itself; the unexpected fits of laughter I had with my daughter at emotionally dislocated scenes (we laugh/cried when Jacob & Bella's dad's "goofed around" in the background. Who pokes a guy in a wheelchair?). The Bad: the costumes, the hair, the lack of humor, Edward's complete lack of confidence, and the Cullens in general. Ugh.
There is no way to defend the series as a literary triumph, but they were absolutely fun to read. The film was not fun to watch. I felt sorry for the director who had to stick to the author's color palette, which has the visual dynamism of mop water, and contact lenses that actually made the vampires look like aliens. Instead of being the shrewd students of human anatomy, physiology, & psychology, the Cullens are conspicuous outsiders.I mean, a doctor in the hospital with winter- white painted skin and yellow eyes--in florescent lighting--would be hard to blend in. Are you sick, doctor?
Here's the solution: regard the Cullens as aliens, not vampires. It makes a little more sense.