Line...?

Rating: 4/10 (5 December 2019)

This review applies to the entire 5-film Twilight series.
The Twilight novels were written with very poor character development around a very shallow romance, so shallow that it makes the hokey romance between Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala easy to swallow, and the films have been largely faithful to that. Bella Swan, the "heroine" of the franchise, was characterized very ambiguously, so ambiguously as to be void of any literary soul, so that any reader could identify herself with Bella, whether she be a squealing 13-year-old girl or a screeching 40-year-old cat lady. "Oh, Bella breaths oxygen! I can totally relate to this character!"
In reality, the Twilight franchise is nothing but a boring story about a girl who -- never acting, only REACTING -- literally DOES NOTHING but interlope in a world of mopey vampires, with a bit of distraction by angsty werewolves.
Amazingly, Christen Stewart was the perfect casting for Bella Swan, as she has only two facial expressions: Staring vapidly, and blinking with a nervous tick whenever orating.
Robert Pattinson seemed alright in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but in Twilight his performance as an animated corpse is quite stiff, and his just-rolled-out-of-bed hair style made me expect him at any moment to mention ancient aliens. (Cringy food for thought: We'll soon hear Pattinson stammer through lines like, "I'm the... bat... man.")
As horrible as the Twilight films are, they have two redeeming qualities, earning them a score of "less than adequate" instead of "hot garbage."
First, there are MUCH WORSE films than this, and it's certainly not the absolutely most inane thing you could be forced to watch. With principle filming having wrapped in 2011, this franchise managed to miss the woke movement and, unlike most of the rubbish coming out of Hollywood today, is thankfully void of political agendaistic lecturing masquerading as "entertainment" with the intent of spitting in the eyes of the target consumer base while pandering to the demographic that does not consume the product and wishes only to see the world burn. (Go woke, go broke!)
The second redeeming quality of the Twilight films is that they are unintentionally pure comedy gold! I actually saw New Moon and Eclipse in the theater, on the premiere nights, because my sister got free tickets from work and had an extra ticket, so I went along. I laughed throughout the films as I not-quietly reacted with jokes, and because we were sitting in a theater full of Twihards, between laughs my sister kept elbowing me in the ribs and saying, "Shut up, these people are going to kill you!" It was a good time had by all.
For maximum viewing enjoyment -- or to make the Twilight films bearable -- watch them with the RiffTrax commentaries! If I were to rate the Twilight films WITH RiffTrax, they'd be worthy of 11 out of 10 stars; it's that funny.
More bonus Edward "Batman" Cullen quotes:
"Come on, Robin, to the... Bat... Cave! There's not a moment to... lose!"
"Quick! To the... Bat... mobile!"
To Joker: "You killed my... parents... and stuff."
"This is just the... beginning. If they hit the whole city with... toxin, there's nothing to... stop Gotham tearing itself apart through... mass panic."
"Batman's just some kind of... symbol."