Bravo from Grolkisdon!!

Rating: 1/10 (28 January 2009)

I went into the movie theater with Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, and came out rather less overjoyed. Although the lead character was smokin' hot, his left nostril has a misplaced nose hair at 20.3 degrees north - this does not correspond to the image of a true vampire! And even though the lead girl was, as we say in the quaint village of Grolkisdon, "schmokinhotsch", her pronunciation of the word "Edward" was at completely the wrong pitch. Tut tut tut. Seriously, how could no-one else not notice the rising diminished third augmented seventh half-sharpened unison with added semi-flattened harmonic three-quarter turn that should have so clearly been up an octave and a seventh?
As for the others, Rosalie impressed me with her PVA jacket, although the exact isomer should have been credited as an alkanious alkene. Jasper didn't do anything - as we say, he was "uschlesch". Carlisle was reasonably hot; although he wasn't schmokin', he was at least gently steamin'.
Esme! She was one hot Miami Beachbabe! I recommend her earlier works to all diagnosticians, especially the song, "I Feel Hawt!".
Aliss was quite cool, although her left temporal lobe's core temperature was 2.546456kg above the boiling point of Vampirium, and therefore would be frozen her to a crisp. This was a terrible, sehr chitdurf, mistake! Emmett's stuff was rather buff, I luff him.
And as for Victoria and James, well, what can I say? I do however suggest that you arm yourself with a flying hamster before viewing - that being said, I am surprised that they did not win an Oscar for Best Rising Child Star Age 75 And Over.
All in all, bravississississma! The best Fruchtenlier movie that I have had the good fortune to digest in over four days!