Undead Tripe - Stick to Buffy

Rating: 2/10 (3 February 2009)

What's good about this film: Billy Burke's performance of Bella's Swan's Dad. There are some nice landscape shots. Bella is OK. What's bad about this film: The villains appear to be an assortment of undead retards, they maintain a constant threat level equal to cold porridge throughout the film, occasionally spouting some entirely inconsequential dialogue with pantomime-villain false bravado. Robert Pattinson may be good looking as the not-so-fangy Edward Cullen, but his performance would embarrass a four year old Shepard in a Nativity. He has clearly mastered the "I'm awfully troubled you know/digestive difficulties are getting me cross" cold pout, and reverts to this failsafe in almost every scene. His delivery of the line "The venom" and his initial reaction to Bella are positively cringey and laughable. Avoid this film if you're not a thirteen-year old girl or have enough brain activity to power a muffin.