Not as bad as I thought, but not great. Chock full of problems

Rating: Null/10 (9 February 2010)

OK, count me in the number that could stand to never see the whole Twilight franchise again. It's everywhere: web ads, bookstores, fricken Nordstrom. It's been very hard to avoid everything Twilight. So last night, it was on Showtime On Demand, and I decided to finally watch.
First off, Kristen Stewart's Bella was incredibly deficient in the personality department. Did she have a lobotomy? I mean, granted, it's been 8 yrs since my teen stage (I'm 26), but good grief, her perpetually depressed and moody face bugged me. We had Emo kids in my high school, but even they could crack a joke every now and then. She literally had no presence. In my high school, she would have been the new kid for a day, but nobody would have talked to her bc she looked so depressing. It was hard to believe that there were guys already crushing on her. Why? She wasn't all that nice to anyone, she barely talked, the friends she had, the relationships seemed more one-sided than anything.
Next Edward. I will say that RP is a nice looking guy, but all the fangirl (not just teen girls, either) swooning is a real turnoff. Anyway, when Edward first came on screen, I had high hopes, but when he actually spoke, I was like "um, is he slow?" It was as if he had a speech impediment. I had to rewind it to hear it again, and then proceed to laugh. Edward was also a bit of a stalker. I guess if I were 14, I would be turned on by his behavior, but being an adult, I'd be concerned about why he was following me places. And don't get me started on how he admitted he likes watching her sleep.
Which brings me to another point. I get that the author wrote the novel based on a (obviously Fabio-esquire)dream she had, but she played way fast and loose with the vampire details. Perhaps the fact that the guy in her dream was a vampire was secondary. I literally asked my friend "OK, are they vampires or some type of animals?" The pale faces weren't enough. I could not believe that it wasn't clear that they were vamps. Then when I saw they didn't have fangs...WTF!! And they must be the only set of "vamps" that don't combust when out in the daylight. The sparkle was SO CHEESY. I know I'm giving spoilers, but 1.I marked the review w/the spoiler tag and 2.if you like vampire-based stories, you will be sorely disappointed. Back to my point, when Bella discovers what Edward is, he gets all serious and they focus on his face, but he reveals no fangs!! WTF! Fangs are so basic to vampires. Then I read a reviewer that says they don't have them? Is this for real? The baseball game...come on. What fun is it if you can just fly and catch the ball. Cheesy. BTW, the whole family structure was a tad creepy. The conflict lasted probably 15 minutes and was over so fast. It's less of a vampire story and more of a teen angst/Degrassi-style movie.
And don't get me started on Bella wanting to be turned after her association with Edward nearly gets her killed and she's only known him a couple weeks!!
Someone else had it right: they seemed less like vamps and more like supernatural creatures. If they could walk into anywhere uninvited, didn't burst into flames, can't be staked, etc etc, then what makes them scary? Since when are vampires nice? Even back on Buffy, Angel became Angelus and Spike w/his chip still had his bad boy tendencies. More recently, Damon on Vampire Diaries is straight up evil and doesn't make excuses for himself. Stefan, his brother, is also part of this neutered dog trend (like Edward) which is quite ridiculous if they are supposed to be vamps.
So watch the film (for free on TV) but keep your expectations low. Just think of it as a teen flick NOT a vampire flick, and you should survive.
Before I forget, that bluish-tinted filter that Twilight was filmed in was awful. Just awful. It almost hurt my eyes. Sometimes that adds effect to the film/show, but not when it's that noticeable. It was almost as if it was done to make all the characters seem even more pale and emo. Horrible.