Not as insufferable as the novel, thankfully

Rating: Null/10 (20 January 2009)

First things first: "Twilight" is, quite possibly, the single worst novel I have ever read all the way through. Impossibly incompetent prose (the term 'purple prose' is too kind, and the novel consists almost entirely of dialogue out of an especially bad soap and masturbatory descriptions of Edward which rival the descriptions of the token 'babe' in most pulp fiction), hilariously shallow characterization, bizarre, morally reprehensible attitudes about gender equality and a very strange idea of feminism indeed. Plus, Edward is pure cardboard and Bella is the biggest bitch I can recall from any literature I've read.
So, why did I see "Twilight" last night? One: an old friend from high school was passing through town and I wanted to see her again (note to self: you stopped associating with morons for a reason). Two: I really liked "Thirteen", so I was hoping that Catherine Hardwicke at least did a good job directing this. Three: Kristen Stewart is eye candy, so it can't be THAT bad.
Well, how bad was it? Not as bad as the book. The book is pure torture. I found it laughable for a while but ultimately it became truly hard to finish because it was just so unbelievably, incredibly awful. The movie, on the other hand, is, in spite of the hilariously bad visual sensibility after a certain point and Robert Pattinson's poof haircut and lack of acting ability, fairly entertaining in spurts. Well, not really. Sort of tolerable, though. The entertainment comes through "Dexter" writer Melissa Rosenberg's uncanny knack for realistic, brilliant dialogue (much like the source material as well as that 'great' television show she writes for):
"I dream about being with you forever. "
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
"You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash. "
"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore." "Then don't."
"I hate you for making me want you so much. "
among many such fabulous examples of writing. That said, Bella isn't nearly as obnoxious in the movie as she is in the book, and the movie's over fast enough, so it's not unbearably painful like the 'novel' is. Kristen Stewart gives a good performance, and yeah, Bella's got an attitude and spark in the film that her literary counterpart doesn't, so it works out better in the end. Still a bad film, still loaded with cheese, but at least it's so-bad-it's-good in places and tolerable in others.