OK movie; has that TV Movie of the Month feel

Rating: 4/10 (23 November 2008)

I went to the movies Friday morning to avoid tweens and teenyboppers in the audience. The screening met my expectation -- no obnoxious fiddling with illuminated cell phone/PDA and no seat kicking. Even old conservative geezer couples were there, which is amusing considering Twilight is intended for the youthful audience.
I never read the book the movie is based on. However, I read the in-depth negative reviews that proclaim the book, with the fair use quotes of flowery narrative sentences as proof, to be spectacularly awful.
The first ten minutes of the movie is awful. Contrived narrative dialogue and contrived scenes with actors pretending to play horse for exposition. I felt annoyed and embarrassed with a smirk on my bearded face because the introduction is so lame. However, at the point when Edward saves Belle's life, the movie really began to pick up and never let go until the very last minute deflates the momentum with a blatant open door for a sequel. Hollywood needs to quit giving away the hint for sequels.
Kristen Stewart delivers a decidedly average performance with almost minimal acting. I was impressed with her acting as a foul-mouthed tween in The Panic Room and a horny jailbait in Into the Wild, but in Twilight Kristen's character acts like a coy upstart. Maybe that's the exact character as depicted in the novel, because in the movie Belle comes off as a brunette bimbo walking through the high school hall like her crap don't stink only to be saved by the prince with the shining armor...no, someone handsome with the strength and dexterity of a superhuman. That would be Edward, but no need to spoil further. But the movie does have severe logic holes that would be laughable if it were applied to reality.
For example, why would the vampire family comprised of young adults repeat high school for decades? Belle's quip "that's miserable" notwithstanding, this is illogical. Immortal vamps should have attended colleges and universities on days when the sun don't shine. Their lives spent on higher education wouldn't go to waste, because they'd rack up more than 100 specialized field degrees combined. They'd have genius IQ and be fabulously rich. The private property the family own...how can they afford the huge house with flat screen tvs and a modern kitchen and current make of vehicles? Only the vamp "doctor" brings the dough while the vamp teens hang like bored bums around high schools doing nothing other than baseball?
The idea that immortals would endure excruciating boredom with the monotonous routine of life is absurd -- there is more to life than being stuck in a nothing town living the secluded lives. Why Stephanie Meyers chose to force the vampire characters to repeat high school instead of giving them the varieties in living life *to the fullest* as immortals is a mystery. I agree being an immortal can be damned boring after a few decades pass, but come on. Vamp from Metal Gear Solid 2 and 4 should kick their pale buttocks and give them the pointers how to be like Green Berets/Navy SEALs, superbly educated and make love like Casanova. Being a 118-year old hopelessly romantic virgin as an ephebophile (a step above pedophile) must've suck.
Dumb logic notwithstanding, the movie paces fairly well, albeit with some annoying flashbacks and sequences that are hyperedited like MTV video rotation. The baseball sequence is interesting but undermined by meth editing and self-consciously hip acting (really, do we want to see how a vamp boy twirls the baseball bat in slow-fast motion like a cocky jock?). The lovey-dopey story in the string of lame, maddeningly illogical scenes don't impress me but I enjoyed Edward's explanation of his background with Belle and running with her on his back in the mountain forest the best.
After the pursuit by the bad vamp ends up in the fight that culminated in Belle's near-death endurance, the ending is left to be desired because it does not adequately explain why the particular character would be interested in getting the bite of Belle. Plain lame-brained bamboozling the audience to expect the sequel once Twilight makes the ka-ching at the box office. The movie ending surmises that the audience should be treated like idiot sheep to be drained of blood...and hard-earned cash in surrender to hype.
Overall, a fair movie sandwiched between the pretentiously execrable beginning and the condescendingly idiotic ending with poor "goth vamp slash fanfic" logic thrown in.
Harry Potter and Narnia have nothing to worry about competition from Abercrombie & Fitch Vamp Boys and Hot Topic Vamp Girls. Twilight the movie was strictly made to siphon cash out of screaming teenyboppers and tweens.
** out of 4