A teen-romance take on classic horror

Rating: 5/10 (22 November 2008)

Girl moves to new town. Girl meets boy. Girl loves boy. Boy says "I'm not good for you". Girl lovboy. Boy says "I'm not good for you". Girl loves boy. Boy loves girl. Beneath all the paper-white makeup and "brooding yet sensitive boy", that is all there is to Twilight, the first in a series of novels-turned-movies currently sweeping North America, the rest of which are soon to get their chance on the silver screen.
Twilight is the movie version of Stephanie Meyer's claim to fame novel, which has wrestled with success in the same manner as a younger generation's Harry Potter. Unfortunately, the vampire-centric series is unable to hold a Nosferatu-killing flame to the wizard's legacy, in neither film nor print.
Within the first five minutes, viewers are introduced to Bella, an overly pale girl who has just moved to a small town known as Forks. The film spends as little time as possible with her as the new girl before introducing her immediate best-friends, who we see pop up once or twice throughout the next two hours. The main plot line lies between Bella and the Cullen Clan, as the lead protagonist begins falling for the Clan's heartthrob, Edward.
Films such as Twilight have both upsides and downsides to their built in fan-base, acquired over the course of four novels and countless hand-offs from friend to friend. As the film was a near-guaranteed success, studios realized they need not spend tens of millions extra on such trivial thing as special effects and stunt doubles. The only problem is that in a film that focuses on vampires and their abilities Their abilities looked horrendous. In many of the "action" scenes, the entire choreographed fight seemed reminiscent of 1970's wire-work in low budget Korean films. This goes part-in-parcel with the makeup effects on the vampires, whose resemblance was closer to The Joker than it was to any descendant of Dracula.
Previously seen in the Harry Potter series, Robert Pattinson portrays Edward in a way that fans were destined to love, filling his performance with dark, meaningful stares and looks of deep concentration. Sadly, his character was two-dimensional enough that a Calvin Klein model could fit the vampiric role with room to spare. On the other side of the spectrum, Kristen Stewart plays an equally bland role, bringing the lead femme to life as Bella. Mirroring Edward's character in every way, Bella leaves Stewart with next to no room to act, as they're "love" is expressed through confused stares and questionable tilts of the head. A supporting cast of rebel vampires brings a darker side to the story, although the actors behind the foes leave no lasting impression, becoming as dispensable as the Soft Sponges with which they apply their makeup.
When all is said and done, Twilight is what it was meant to be  pointless amusement for teenage girls who truly want to believe that dark, brooding men with soft sides truly do exist. To those of you who have not read the books, I would advise you to stay as far away from the film as possible. And to those of you who have read the book Search up Anne Rice.
2 ½ out of 5