Oh, dear...

Rating: 1/10 (14 March 2009)

Where to begin with this trainwreck of a film? Alright, let's just start with the obvious. The acting was atrocious. The majority of the dialogue was hokey and DEFINITELY not sexy or endearing. None of the characters pushed me to believe them. I wasn't invested in a single relationship on screen. They were all just delivering lines.
The story was extremely choppy. Admittedly, it was close to the book, but you're not going to get a very good movie when your source material is lame, right? It was just all over the place and had a very disjointed feeling to it.
The cinematography was erratic and annoying. There was nothing significant about jumping from sweeping tree pans to inside Edward's pupil. The entire thing looked like it might have been filmed in about two weeks. It was just laughable.
The special effects were just silly. I wasn't wow-ed by how "cool" Edward looked when he was scaling trees like a monkey, I was laughing my head off about how stupid he looked while doing his tree shimmy. All of the special effects were definitely meant to look cool, but really just ended up making everyone look hokey.
The music was completely over the top. Almost every scene was punctuated by shrieking violins to tell you, "THIS IS AN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED MOMENT! FEEL TENSION!" Thanks for giving the audience cues for when to feel things, since we're obviously too stupid to know when something is scary...which this movie wasn't. Intentionally.
All other elements of the movie were just as lame. I'm so glad I only spent a dollar and change on this massacre. I mean, I knew it was going to be awful, but even THOSE expectations weren't meant.
I'm sure it made lots of pre-teens very happy. For the rest of the world with any sense of taste, STAY AS FAR FROM THIS MOVIE AS YOU CAN.