At least everyone wears shirts...

Rating: 4/10 (10 October 2010)

I never watched this movie until today. I know it's hard to believe, but what motivation do I have to watch it? It's based off a pseudo- erotic novel about Vampires, made for teenage girls. The only reason I watched it is because I'm the only guy who hasn't... that and because it got terrible reviews. Well... the first bit really wasn't that bad. Just the second and third acts led me to the realization that Katherine Hardwicke is an awful director.
As you already know, Twilight is about a girl named Bella and a vampire named Edward. Bella is essentially a cardboard cut-out of a teenage girl- although, I suppose that teenage girls are supposed to be able to relate to her, so I guess I can't really complain. Edward is a vampire that is 108 years old, despite looking like he's 17. If he could be the same age his whole life, why wouldn't he be older? I don't know, maybe he should be 21, so he can drink and drive. Anyways, this already brings up a lot of questions, like why is he in grade 11? Actually, Bella asked him this question in the second half of the film, to which Edward replies- "it's an in joke"... I don't get it either. The filmmakers probably did this since there is no plausible answer that could possibly explain him falling for a teenager. I mean, they could of made Bella 19 and out of school- but then that would kill the 8 – 14 year old demographic.
Anyways, Bella is almost killed in an accident when Edward saves her by stopping an incoming truck with one hand- and he puts a big dent in it too. Yep, and it only takes Bella another 45 minutes to figure out that he's not normal. Anyways, he ends up stalking her because "he likes the smell of her perfume" and they end up in a forest where they profess their undying (and undeveloped) love. After it, we just get more filler about her smelling good and them being in love.
Next comes the scene where Edward introduces Bella to his family- eight or so un-related vampires that all live in the same house. They also don't drink human blood- only animal blood. After that, they all play Vampire Baseball (this looks just as stupid as it sounds). While playing the choice sport of the undead, three vampires (that have been seen killing people throughout the movie) come forward and ask to play. One of them, however, just wants to eat Bella. Fortunately, our eight vampires hero's decide to back off, rather than kill the three vampires that oppose them. Now, the Cullens need to hide Bella, since this vampire guy wants to kill her. Why, you may ask? I don't know- the movie doesn't even tell us if it's an "in joke" or not, so there is officially no reason. In the next scene, one of the evil vampires comes forth and tells the Cullens he doesn't care for the other two (so for the record, the odds were actually 9 – 2).
Anyways, the vampire blackmails Bella into meeting him in a gym or something, and tortures her while shooting her with a camera. Why torture her and film it? I'll let you guess- do you think it's because of her perfume, or do you think it's an "in joke"? Predictably enough, Edward breaks through a window and fights the bad guy. Fortunately, there are a bunch of mirrors in the room they get to break while fighting- but trust me, it still looks stupid. Edward predictably wins and the other vampires, who arrive JUST after he won, dispose of the body in a fire (that magically appeared in the corner).
However, Bella was bit- And Edward has to drink the venom out of her blood without being tempted to drink it all. Fortunately, he succeeds and stops her from becoming a vampire. Why? Well... I really don't know why. I mean, even SHE wanted to become a vampire. And guess what happens when she asks him this question question at the end of the movie... the credits roll (It must have been another in-joke).
And that's pretty much it. Now, I know I'm never going to read the book, so I can't say whether the incompetence of the director was at fault here or just the source material. However, I do have some suggestions to give to Stephanie Meyer- give Bella some metaphorical balls. She just acts so desperate. It just doesn't seem realistic how dominating Edward is in the relationship. Now, after all is said and done, I still barely know what happened, so if anyone can answer the questions below, that'd help...
-Who was the officer who got killed in the middle of the movie? -Whydoes Edward act so socially challenged (He's had a hundred years to polish up his social skills) -What is the "in joke"? -Why can nobody else tell there is something wrong with Edward? -Why does Edward mention "the wolf descended" upon seeing Taylor Lautner? Does he already know he's a werewolf? -Who are the three vampires that killed random people? -Why did the black vampire hang out with the other two despite not liking them? -Do these vampires hate garlic? What about crosses and stakes?
AND THE BIGGEST QUESTION
-What's the glowing thing that happens to Edward? Is it a super power?