Can't remember seeing one set of fangs!

Rating: 3/10 (8 June 2009)

I have just watched Twilight for the first time and I must say I'm peed off. This is due to the fact I decided to treat myself to a Blu-Ray player on the weekend and had to find a film to watch on it. There wasn't anything that I didn't already have on normal DVD other than this. God how I wish I'd never bothered! Forevermore my first tentative steps into the world of high-def will be forever tainted by this film.
I have to be honest and say I've never read the books (and never will have any desire to) and other than the hype surrounding this film that I was somewhat aware of I had no idea what to expect from the world of Twilight. So how would I sum this film up? Boring! Painfully boring! I spent close to two hours essentially watching a bloke stare and his navel and furrow his brow (I think he thinks that conveys intensity) and a girl mumble her lines. I think the screenwriters wanted to create a tortured, Byron-esquire type figure with Edward Cullen but he actually comes across as a common, everyday, sullen teenager, I truly think that you could have taken out the whole vampire element of the movie as it seems just latched on. Then you have Kristen Stewarts character of Bella Swan; plain, disinterested, inarticulate (crack a smile once in a while love). Why anyone would so desperately want her, be it vampire or otherwise, is beyond my comprehension. And that's a major problem for me as I would class myself as being a rather cynical person, a realist. I just can't believe that crazy, intense love thing the actors were trying to convey exists in real life. It would take a brilliant performance for me to buy in to it. Unfortunately I didn't.
What is the deal with these "vampires" anyway? They happily stroll around in sunlight as in the world of Twilight (i.e. completely ignore vampire lore) this doesn't kill them but rather shows off the lame body glitter effect their skin is meant to have. What that brings to the story I have no idea. Also where are there fangs, an essential bit of vampire kit? But don't worry cos their eyes can change colour for no reason whatsoever. And why is a hundred-plus year old vampire chasing a seventeen year old? I know he looks that age too but...well he's not. And that was a key flaw in this film. None of these centuries old creatures had any wisdom behind their eyes that comes from being around for a while (see Interview with the Vampire). Edward may as well have just been seventeen.
Twilight has a few good moments. The fight scene at the end was enjoyable although having to sit through the rest of the film to get to it it wasn't much of a payoff.
Basically the whole premise of Twilight isn't aimed at people like me, a 29 year old man from the UK. However, if you're a 13-15 year old girl from America with an Anne Rice fixation you'll love this soppy nonsense. Me? I'm gonna keep watching my vampires get their heads chopped off by Wesley Snipes.