The Many Faces of Kristin Stewart

Rating: 3/10 (27 June 2010)

There's the slightly slack jaw and empty eyes, indicating intense passion. There's the jaw slightly agape and eyes half closed to indicate fear. There is, of course, the remarkable drooping jaw and sleepy eyes which I believe indicate brain damage. Regardless, if you think the impossible love of a hundred year old vampire for a sullen teen girl is the only tragedy in this film, you're way off.
Let's be honest for a second. The books were not good. They were directed at teen girls harder than a scud missile heading for Kuwait. That doesn't usually bode well for a movie translation. When Hollywood can screw up a genuinely good book like Sphere or Andromeda Strain or anything by Stephen King, you know that a bad book doesn't have a chance.
What you end up with, in the case of Twilight, is a movie completely filled to the brim with absolutely nothing of substance. Stewart wanders around with a blank stare on her face (She should be cast by George Romero. As a zombie.) and the vampires, who are just feminine guys rather than the frightening denizens of darkness we all came to love, are two dimensional and completely uninteresting. The werewolves, rather than being the essence of the brazen and dangerous wolf, are just rowdy kids and punks who inspire no reaction from the audience whatsoever.
Basically, this film is just a lump of scenes stitched together rather poorly into a mass of people staring at one another and dialogue written by someone who fell asleep with their face on the typewriter. If you absolutely cannot avoid seeing this movie, you should at least play Riff Trax over it so your brain doesn't melt and drip out your ears.