The more serious it got, the harder I laughed.

Rating: 1/10 (4 January 2011)

************SPOILER****** O.K. people, I will admit right here, right now, I simply LOVED the books. I have read them all several times and I was genuinely excited at the prospect of MY book coming to life on the big screen. I went to the movie theater with my die hard Twilight friends, expecting to be amazed. Well, I was amazed all right. But definitely not in a good way. The scene starts out with Bella( Kristen Stewart) leaving for the airport with her mother. For some strange reason, her carry on item is a potted cactus plant. The scene them melts into a birds eye view of the beautiful Washington mountains(helped along by whinny, annoying, indie rock music). As Bella comes to terms with her new life(narrated by the mannish voiced Stewart), Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner, wearing a dead ferret on his head) arrives with his father and their old, Bella's new, truck. The only thing they got right in this scene was the truck for crying out loud! In the book, Charlie(Billy Burke) is not on speaking terms with Billy because of his prejudicial dislike for the Cullen clan; however, in the movie, the two men joke and laugh and have a grand old time. Meanwhile, Bella and Jacob make forced conversation, never quite looking at each other(even though in the book, they don't meet until very much later). Stewart's forced smiles, bad acting, and foul mood completely ruin the scene. We then move on to the 'first sight' of the Cullen clan. I shouldn't even comment. The characters come in-slow motion of course-in pairs, each arm and arm with his/her own lover. Lets start with Rosalie(Nikki Reed). Reed is short(Reed wore awkward, six- inch heels she couldn't even walk in), very tan(can you say, pasty make- up?), with brown hair(Reed was unwilling to dye it, so she wore an ill fitting wig), moles, and an all around ugly face. The choice for her role was made solely because of the director's relationship with Reed. The real Rosalie-as stated in the book-is tall, statuesque, with golden blond hair, very pale, and beautiful-all in all, the complete opposite of Reed. I honestly like the choice for Emmett, except I wished Kellan Lutz beefed up a bit more. Alice was too tall, but otherwise I had no problem with Ashley Greene(she could have lost a little weight though- just saying). Now, Jackson Rathbone as Jasper would have been fine, if the guy could act. He took the phrase 'hungry enough to eat a horse' way too literally. He had a pinched, grotesque look on his face for the whole of the movie. Finally, ah, Edward, how will I begin? Well, Robert Pattinson looked the part, if not a little too skinny, but oh, ah, ugh, the make-up! What on earth were these people thinking? You could tell he was wearing a gallon of make-up, but they ran out of it when the reached his Adam's Apple. Edward also, apparently, loves the new strawberry Cover Girl wet slicks lip gloss. Now, onto the biology lab. What to say, what to say. Well I recommend, Vampires Suck. The people there displayed Pattinson's reaction to Bella's scent perfectly. In the book, it merely states that Edward goes rigid in his seat, glaring at Bella with hate filled eyes as she walked past him. Past him. Not Bella walking in front of a fan-slow motion, once again- with her mouth opened suggestively. And Edward DID NOT slap his hand to his face, hiding his nose from someone who farted near by. And I don't remember Edward trying not to cry in the book either(his 'I'm trying really hard not to cry' face reappeared throughout the movie). Well, I am bored now, so I wont bore anyone else with the rest of my review for the most terrible, poorly written, directed,acted, etc, movie in a decade. The indie film feel with Stewart grabbing at her hair, jutting her chin out, shaking her head(you'd think she was a dog), and stuttering makes you want to stalk out of the theater to go shriek at the manager for your money back. Stewart and Pattinson's chemistry is non-existent in this poorly adapted, haphazardly written, laughably acted atrocity of a film.