awely totalsome - not undead, just bored-to-death

Rating: 1/10 (23 March 2009)

... I vaguely remember what knocked me out... was it the moment Bella Lugoswan first met the deathly pale Edward Cullen? That was a like a half-hour into the movie, after chat chat chat with her divorced parents, and then with her too-average-for-words highschool friends... Edward - smelled her. Heck, I smelled her, everyone in the theater smelled her. "Oh, wow, he's totally awesome!" my niece remarked - ah, it was that phrase, "totally awesome," it's meaningless generality shot through me like a venom. I swooned. Flashing lights swirled all about me. I imagined I was watching a vampire movie - the undead stalking in the night, springing on their victims with bared fangs, tearing throats open, letting loose great spouts of blood! Then the vampire slayer burns the mark of the cross in the arm of the Prince of Evil, who springs back howling, crashing through the stained glass window of the ancient castle, plummeting to earth where the vampire slayer hammers the stake home just before the sun's first light at dawn rips the bloodsucker's skin into flakes of putrid, decaying rot - ! Slowly I came out of it, only to realize my nightmare had been in vain, I was still watching "Twilight." It was nearly an hour later - and nothing had happened yet! - they were still talking - and talking and talking! The vampire glistened in the sunlight. The vampire used superhuman strength to save the innocent. The vampire was "beautiful," and sensitive, and sweet, and very well-educated (he graduated highschool 20 times!) and he supported all the popular liberal causes. The vampire ate... tofu? And he jumped over boulders in a single bound! The vampire was "so cool" in a super-hero kind of way, he was... "totally awesome."
GAAAHH! My niece has cursed me! I have entered the ranks of those bored beyond death, bored to the point of - undeath! Yes, we victims of this infection must wander the malls late at night, searching for the one screen in a whole multiplex that might actually be showing - a vampire movie! Because "Twilight" sure as heck isn't one!