Lifeless -- And Not In a good Way

Rating: 4/10 (29 November 2008)

"Twilight" is a flatfooted, pedestrian, earthbound, dull movie. Which is odd, because it's about a teen girl who falls in love with a vampire. I mean, "The Exorcist," about a teen girl who turns into Satan, was so incredibly exciting, scary, controversial. Is this movie so bad because Hollywood underestimates the intelligence of teen girls? Hollywood cranks out blockbuster after blockbuster for teen boys, all with huge budgets, innovative art design, and high production values. "Twilight" is a dull little trifle that could have been shot by an amateur cast and crew with hand held cameras. The soap opera, "Dark Shadows," had more going for it than this. In fact, skip this non-entity and watch "Dark Shadows" on youtube, or "Death Takes a Holiday," starring Frederic March. That handled the "young girl wants to have intimate relations with really bad boy" so much better than this movie does.
Not much of anything happens. Kirsten Stewart is Bella. Stewart may have given the single most annoying, PMS, chronically depressed and droopy teen girl performance in film history (and that's saying a lot). Even in a scene meant to be romantic, where her boyfriend plays piano for her, she has a look of vague disgust and catatonia on her droopy face. Be honest  don't you just want to slap some life into this chick? At her high school, Bella stares at a guy named Edward. Edward is very pale, wears heavy lipstick, and tweezes his eyebrows. By staring at him, she falls in love with him. Nothing happens between them before she falls in love. No witty repartee, no heroic deeds, no sharing of day to day life, no thrilling, teasing competition to see who wears the pants in the relationship, no heartwarming discovery of shared interests and goals. She just stares at him, and that's it. So much for sweeping us off our feet.
Edward and Bella have endless, dull, flatfooted conversations. "Oh, you are a vampire." "Yes, I am a vampire." "Do you drink human blood." "Notofu metaphor." I wish she had AT LEAST asked for recipes.
No mystery. No magic. No imagination. No cool special effects. No haunting evocation of the wilder, darker side. Just the most boring, lifeless  in all the wrong ways  movie.
Teen girls, please don't be satisfied with these crumbs Hollywood is tossing you. Demand better.