Helen Had Nothing To Do With It

Rating: 1/10 (8 June 2004)

Went to see the movie "Troy" this afternoon. Here's what I learned:
Contrary to popular opinion and history in general, Greek men were not gay. EVER. This was clearly established immediately at the start of the film and reinforced every five minutes or so thereafter. So it is safe for American dudes to see this movie.
Helen of Troy always had impeccable hair and makeup. She looked gorgeous in all of her brief cameo scenes which, though numerous, were probably all filmed on the same day, one after the other, with the director saying, "Alright, now look beautiful . . . good ... OK, now look frightened ... good... now look depressed ... good ... now look interested . . . good ... now look beautiful again ... good..."
Most Greek and Trojan men had British accents. Those with American accents couldn't act.
Trojans looked just like Greeks, but they tended to stay on the right side of the screen.
Brad Pitt does not blink on camera.
Helen of Troy's biggest line was, "They're coming for me."
Trojan music sounded remarkably like modern Bulgarian music.
Brad Pitt's thighs go all the way up.
Achilles had a young male friend with whom he was very close, but it's OK. They were cousins. Never mind what history says.
Peter O'Toole can tell an entire story with just an expression.
Trojan gods apparently all had Greek names, but their statues either looked Egyptian or like Peter O'Toole in drag.
Greek men never touched each other unless they were fighting, much like American men.
All of the thousands of extras in the movie had exactly the same skin color... Light Egyptian, by Max Factor.
Troy had only three women.
There were lots of blond Greeks, which is good news for Brad Pitt, who would otherwise have really stuck out.
Despite their coastal desert locale, Greeks had the uncanny ability to find unlimited amounts of timber to build fires, funeral pyres, Trojan horses and the like.
British actors look silly with Greek hairdos.
Brad Pitt changes expression only when the sun is shining directly in his eyes.
Greek soldiers fought constantly, but their outfits always looked impeccable.
Greek soldiers wore underwear under their skirts.
Apparently Greek temples were always in ruins, even back when they were all new.