"Troy" as educational drama

Rating: Null/10 (13 June 2004)

Here are a couple of extra items to add to Ray Keebaugh's finely-observed list of Things We Didn't Know About Homeric Greece Until We Saw "Troy":

Llamas are indigenous to eastern Europe and Asia Minor. (Silly me, I thought they came from South America.)

The right to wear tie-dye was reserved solely for Trojan royalty.

In Troy, the sun rises in the west, rather than the east.

Achilles' mom, the goddess Thetis, enjoyed jewelry-making as a hobby.

Paris was closely connected to his inner Elf, which is evidenced by the fact that he never really relaxed until he picked up a bow.

Time passed very quickly in the ancient world; amazing to see how a ten-year-long war could seem like a week.

Shaolin fighting monks must have migrated to from China to ancient Greece at some point long ago, as Achilles' fighting style was strongly influenced by Asian martial arts (complete with slow-motion and rotating-camera effects).

Overall, I give "Troy" 2 out of 5. The female cast were all very stiff and featureless, Orlando Bloom's version of Paris was very wet, and Peter O'Toole should have had much more screen time. Plus, by omitting the Greek gods and goddesses and generally making free with Homer's story, the director muddies the reasons and impetus for much of the plot, including the "Achilles heel" moment. Still, Brad Pitt looked very nice from the neck down, and Homer's "wine-dark sea" was quite pretty and blue. Plus, we should be grateful that the filmmakers did not inject a "warrior princess" character into the story, as is currently the fashion in Hollywood (like they did with with Arwen, since people here can't seem to resist comparisons to LOTR). But certainly worth a bargain matinee or a DVD rental (when the time comes) for costume-drama fans. However, don't look to "Troy" as the definitive screen treatment of "The Iliad;" it hasn't been done yet.