Silly script proves to be Troy's Achilles Heel

Rating: 5/10 (16 May 2004)

There was one particular school year some time ago, that I distinctly remember that I was supposed to study Homer's Iliad. I may or may not have read through no more than a couple of paragraphs before putting it down probably to watch some Television show which held infinitely more interest for me than a story on why the Greeks and Trojans were at each other's throats over a thousand years ago. As I write this review, I can almost hear Dan Ackroyd telling me as he did Bill Murry in Ghostbuster's that I never studied. Shameful as it is, I didn't. If I had I doubted it would have added or taken away from how I view Wolfgang Petersen's and Warner Brother's $185 million dollar extravaganza.
What I do know about the story, I probably remember from watching Jeopardy one too many times, and what I have now learned from Director Petersen and Writer David Benioff. There's this chick Helen (Diane Kruger), who is supposed to be the Queen of Sparta. While visiting Sparta to talk peace, a young Trojan Prince named Paris (Orlando Bloom)let's his libido get the better of him and decides to get it on with the Queen. Deciding that Helen would be better off being a fixture in his bedroom than that of her husband Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), Paris decides to give Helen a one way Love Boat trip back to Troy and although Paris's brother Hector (Eric Bana) sees the folly in stealing another man's wife, he goes along with his brother because well, he's his brother. This doesn't sit too kindly with Menelaus, so he makes an alliance with King Agamemnon (Brian Cox)to go to battle with Troy so he can reclaim his beloved with the sole purpose of removing Helen's head from the rest of her body parts. Then there's Achilles (Brad Pitt) who is supposed to be the greatest warrior around, sort of a Superman in armor carrying a sword. Trouble is, Achilles likes killing, but not for Agamemnon. He decides eventually to go along anyway because he has this vision that one day he will be remembered for the great warrior he was so that people like Petersen will make a multi-million dollar epic and people like me and other IMDB critics with visions of grandeur will be sitting here writing a review that nobody will read.
For those of who have studied The Iliad, I'm sure that my simplistic synopsis of the story will offend them, but this is the story Petersen gives us. He spends little time explaining the intricacies of why Hector and Paris are talking peace with Sparta, but gives us a silly scene in Helen's bedroom between her and Paris before whisking us away to Troy. We have no clue as to how the relationship developed, and Helen comes off as nothing more than being a pin-up girl for the city of Troy and Paris's infatuation with her plays like a high school freshman's crush on the Senior prom queen.
Of course, when you're in a hurry to get to the blood and guts glory of the historic battles, punctuated by numerous sweeping CGI shots of thousands of Greek ships and soldiers lining the gates of Troy, one can almost forgive the early part of the film since it's the battle scenes that will be counted on to put fannies into the theater seats. It may have helped if Bloom's Paris had the least bit of personality or passion, but it seems his goody two shoes pirate act last summer was no act at all. This may be the best he has to offer and one can only hope for better things. Bana's Hector is much better and far more interesting. One can sense the loyalty he feels toward his country, his father King Priam (Peter O'Toole), and even his insipid little brother.
Brad Pitt's Achilles is almost as bad as Bloom's Paris. For a great warrior, Pitt plays him as nothing more than a gladiator with deep psychological torments. I almost expected Benioff to write a scene in here for Tony Soprano's psychiatrist Jennifer Melfi. And there lies most of the problem with Troy, especially during the first half of the film. Much of it plays like the dialog was written from an old Cecil B. DeMille crib sheet stolen from his biblical epics. I don't think I've heard dialog this silly since Ross Hunter gave us Lana Turner in Madame X. At least twice I almost chuckled out loud, but had to stifle it as the rest of the audience I viewed the film with seemed to be highly engrossed in what was going on. Fortunately, once the battles do begin, they elevate the film to a certain degree. I would go so far as to call the last hour engrossing-well almost.
The battle scenes are terrific when they are focusing on the close ups of man to man sword play. The long sweeping CGI scenes of huge fleets of ships and thousands of warriors aren't nearly as impressive. There are way too many of these special effects showboating scenes, and if you look toward the back of the shots, the effects are quite obvious. Even the battle scenes are not beyond being marred by one or two goofy moments. During one scene in particular after Hector has dispatched a certain soldier he has fought with and everyone is standing around as if it was Rocky vs. Apollo Creed, instead of the soldiers continuing the battle Hector says something to the effect, "That's enough fighting for today, see you in the morning." If only modern warfare was so diplomatic.
There are two actors who shine above all others in the film. Peter O'Toole has a couple of great scenes, and in one so overshadows Brad Pitt that it only punctuates Pitt's limited abilities. The other is an actress named Rose Byrne as temple virgin Briseis. She is remarkable, and brings much needed spark to the movie in every scene she plays and since many of those scenes are with Pitt's tormented Achilles, one can see how welcome that might be. She could certainly have taught Helen a thing or two.
If you manage to make it through the first half of Troy, you'll probably get at least some of your money's worth in the second half even as flawed as it is. And if it takes the second half of a film for me to get anything close to my money's worth I have no choice but to give you my grade which for Troy is a C-. And Dan, next time I will study.