Worthy of DeMille...

Rating: 6/10 (6 May 2005)

...although that's not necessarily a good thing
But it's no secret--or shouldn't have been--that all this little effort was going to be was a frightfully expensive, over-the-top quasi-historical spectacle, with two dimensional characters running around spouting long soliloquies in between battles. So no complaint, there.
What bothered me the most trouble about "Troy" was the casting. Oh, I could have gone along with quite nicely with Legolas, Boromir and the Hulk (Orlando Bloom, Sean Bean and Eric Bana, respectively) playing East Mediterranean Bronze Age soldiers--Hollywood, you know. But Brad Pitt as Achilles? I laughed; a lot. Instead of the "greatest warrior of his age", he made me think more of a little kid in dire need of an enema. I mean, some one really should tell him that acting is more than just striking a pose, displaying a chubby profile and staring grimly. Of course, maybe he got it right; it could be that in reality Achilles was nothing more than a baby-faced shmoe with a couple of sword tricks and a rep. If so, then maybe this is why he's mostly remembered for a weakness (ie, world-class tendonitis).
Still, if placing inappropriate individuals in the roles of legendary and semi-legendary heroes should sadly become the norm, I want to get on board as quickly as possible--to avoid the rush. Thus, do I suggest the following:
Cu Chullain--Mike Meyers
Boadicea--Li'l Kim
Roland--Bobcat Goldthwait
Sigfried--Will Wheaton
Tristan--Danny DeVito
Chaka Zulu--Martin Lawrence
Geronimo--Ray Romano
Dan'l Boone--Anne Heche