Y'Know, for an 'Epic,' They Sure Did Spend a Lot of Time on That One Beach

Rating: 6/10 (15 May 2004)

Epic (n.) 1) An extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a legendary or traditional hero.
Personally, I'd define an epic FILM as being huge in scale, scope and size, something most of the '10' voters for this film apparently haven't ever seen. This can be anything at all, kids. "The Bridge on the River Kwai," from so many years ago. Even as recent as "The English Patient," or the directors cut of "The Abyss." It can and does exist, with dozens of characters, places and events.
"Troy" does not fit any of these categories. Nine-tenths of the film take place in one of two locations (the walls of Troy, or the beach next to it), and the numerous characters speak in wooden, clunky dialogue that was so un-memorable, I couldn't even recall any from the time I saw it, to the time I'm typing this. And the theater wasn't that far of a drive.
Brad Pitt? Yeah, he's pretty. Peter O'Toole? Great actor, but you can't win an Oscar when you only have six lines. Most of the actors (save the gorgeous but one-note Diane Kruger) held their own, too, but they weren't given much to do. Director Wolfgang Peterson is one of the few living directors who COULD deliver an epic, but the entire film collapses under the weight of a boring, paint-by-numbers script riddled with cliches and predictibility. Want to know who's going to die next? List the above-the-title actors in order from Most Famous to Least Famous, and start at the bottom.
Yes, it's very pretty; lots of money was spent and evidently we're all still impressed by computer-generated armies. Lots of people will go see this movie and think it's great, and then forget about it by June. There's really no reason to see this except it's trendy the week of May 14th, 2004-- it's structured and written like an over-budgeted Soap Opera, from a screenwriter who didn't exist before last year and probably won't after this year. Seriously. Check his credits.
Nothing at all interesting or surprising here, except the ending... at least for me, cuz I actually read "The Iliad." If you didn't, then at least compare it to all the epics since, and rent one of those instead.