A waste of my dad's $10

Rating: Null/10 (16 May 2004)

While I can't give a full review of this movie, if that's what you call it, as I walked out after the first 2 hours of punishment, I will say what I can. Being something of a fan of Greek mythology I was curious to see the adaptation here. I was curious to see if Hollywood was going to score with a good true to life story or if they were going to produce some disgusting hybrid perversion and call it a blockbuster. Sadly, it seems the latter is true. There are few movies I wish to fall asleep during and I was praying for the bliss of unconsciousness while watching this movie to save myself the pain of driving a screwdriver through my head later to try and forget it. The rather unnecessary appearance of Brad Pitt in various degrees of nudity with 1 or 2 women at a time was totally unwarranted. The problem with this film is it told too many stories. After the first hour I was hoping for the big invasion of Troy only to be subjected to another painful hour of Orlando Bloom whining like a sissy, Eric Bana making a very commanding performance, probably the best in the movie, and Brad Pitt naked again for the hundredth time. Into the second hour my hopes were again dashed for the invasion of Troy when dorko (Brad Pitt) in the tin armour has to challenge Hector because he's all upset that his irresponsible kill crazy cousin went off and got himself killed at the hand of Hector. I was only too glad to see the little twerp die. Maybe then I wouldn't have to put up with his redundant whining about being able to go to war and kill. I wasn't sure who needed to be slapped more, the whiny cousin who wants to kill and cries about it from his appearance in the movie to his death or Achilles for dragging him around everywhere. Unfortunately for the special effects team, their army magic had no effect on me. It takes a lot more then that to impress. A good movie to go along with it is a big start. So, in closing, if you're looking to see Brad Pitt half-naked and sweaty acting badly to an intolerable story, and dentist-drill-during-invasive-root-canal-surgery like acting on the part of Orlando Bloom, Troy is the movie for you. Just don't forget to ask God's forgiveness afterwards for wasting that much of your life that could have been better spent watching Facts of Life re-runs. The only consolation I have is that I didn't pay to see this movie and I saw it at half-price.