"When does it end?" "It never ends."

Rating: Null/10 (6 June 2004)

David Benioff's screenplay for "Troy" is supposedly inspired by Homer's "The Iliad." I assume that's Homer as in Simpson - except that when "The Simpsons" did their look at Greek legend it hewed somewhat closer to the originals (I'm serious). And it was also a lot more interesting.
While Benioff and director Wolfgang Petersen deserve credit for not painting one side or the other as outright villains, it has the effect of reducing any emotional involvement - already minimal thanks to how the characters are drawn and played. Eric Bana and Peter O'Toole supply some true strength as Hector and the king of Troy respectively, but Brad Pitt is just not right as Achilles, coming off more like David Beckham playing at soldiers, the fight scenes notwithstanding. But even Mr. Aniston is better than Orlando Bloom as Paris, who's too drippy to even talk about, so let's move on.
When the characters aren't talking and just letting the fighting speak, the movie's okay, but some strong battle scenes do not a movie make, especially if said movie takes so many liberties with its source (the way the Achilles heel reference is worked in just does not wash - it's as if they wanted to keep it "real," and the whole Achilles-made-immune-by-the-River-Styx thing didn't fit). And Diane Kruger is not only no actress, but also isn't the kind of woman you can see men killing each other over, looker though she undoubtedly is. (If Warner Bros. was looking for a woman believably hot enough to cause a war and with the right look to boot, they could have cast Monica Bellucci or Jessica Alba - the latter wouldn't have been that much more out of place than Mr. Bloom.)
In an interview with the London 'Evening Standard,' Petersen said that this is not "The Lord of the Rings," and he was right - "The Lord of the Rings" was an epic movie (OK, three epic movies) that felt cinematic; "Troy" is a movie that feels like a bad 1980s miniseries, especially with the DOA dialogue. Never truly involving, saddled with a James Horner score that isn't even close to what Gabriel Yared originally wrote (before it was thrown out after complaints at a preview), and seemingly going on forever, the overall effect is to make you long for another look at "Spartacus," "The Ten Commandments," or any episode of "Xena: Warrior Princess" set in Greece. Or, indeed, "The Lord of the Rings."