Entertaining...but I would've had a better time with a Greek Salad and a box of Trojans.

Rating: 4/10 (13 May 2005)

It seems that in recent historical dramas screenwriters have had a hard time constructing real characters with real motivations out of the blueprint handed down to them from the ancient poets and historians. This inability shines through clearly in "Troy." If one merely wanted to reconstruct the legend of the Trojan War as depicted in the "Iliad" one wouldn't need, for example, the wholly gratuitous sexism that is evident thought-out "Troy." "Troy" seems to serve as the counterpoint to "Alexander" which depicts Greeks as great fighters but as rather effeminate and, perhaps, homosexual as opposed to "Troy's" constant reminder that the ends to be attained are to "keep the wolves in the hills and the women in our beds!" The totally overblown masculinity of the characters is made quite unbelievable in a film where there is no female nudity but where Brad Pitt is in some degree of undress in almost every scene. Brad is an attractive man but the constant flashing of his oiled torso is a little much.
Besides that, Pitt as Achilles is a totally one dimensional character. Achilles is an unlikeable, self-centered asshole who thinks only of his name being remembered in posterity (what the Greeks called "arete") I began to wonder why I should care about Achilles and his everlasting glory after the first time he is shown on screen. His only redeeming quality is that the scenes of him fighting are entertaining in the way its almost superhuman. Orlando Bloom (Paris) looks like he's thirteen years old and a girl, a very whiny girl at that. Eric Bana's (Hector) constant, unabating patriotic jargon and implied atheism is tiresome. His father, King Priam, is portrayed as a foolish old coot who consistently makes poor decisions because he listens to the priest instead of to common sense. One is quickly led to wonder how the hell a man as impressionable and inept as King Priam has been able to keep Troy from utter destruction this long. There is a part where Hector asserts that the Trojans should remain inside the city and allow the Greeks to attack because the walls of Troy are unbreachable. This seems to make sense since the Trojans were able to repell a large force of Greeks only the day before but, like a superstitious idiot, Priam listens to the priest instead. The same happens when Paris advises Priam to burn the horse the Trojans had left on the beach but, of course, Priam listens to the priest yet again and Troy is raided and destroyed. And yet we are supposed to accept that Priam is a good king because he is motivated by love of his country while Agamemnon is motivated by greed and avarice. Agamemnon (Brian Cox) is, unfortunately, the most well cast actor in the movie. While far from convincing, he at least looks sort of greedy and cantankerous.
Another gripe is that, much like "Alexander", the director couldn't figure out what accent the actors should use. Some of the actors have Irish and Scottish accents, while Brad Pitt and Eric Bana try to have British accents (which they don't), Hector's (Bana's) wife has some accent that's supposed to be Greek sounding but isn't, etc. I can't understand why the director can't choose one accent and have everyone, at least, try to approximate it.
The love stories in this film are hokey and unconvincing too. Achilles' romance with the cousin of King Priam who has been taken hostage is abusive. Its not clear why she is troubled when Achilles is slain at the end since he's killed her cousin Hector and, on top of that, she doesn't seem to care about him that much throughout the movie prior to that time. The relationship between Paris and Helen is unconvincing as well. It seems that Helen doesn't really like Paris but only eloped with him to escape the loveless and abusive relationship she had with her betrothed, King Menelaus. She comforts Paris when he's constantly whining but it seems as if she's only with him because he's boyishly handsome while Menelaus is a grizzled, portly, middle-aged guy. These relationships might also not have been as convincing as the script writers would have wished because the actors they chose to play the lovers stink and have no on-screen chemistry.
While the battle scenes were entertaining, they weren't good enough to save this film. The soundtrack made me think I was watching "Die Hard with a Vengeance" at times and "A Walk in the Clouds" at others. I don't know who the hell chose the song for the closing credits. It sounds like Teddy Pendergrass singing with the interspersal of the Arabic woman in the background at times. I had to turn the DVD off when the credits came on because this song is so incredibly cheesy and out of keeping with the film I'd just seen that it hurt to listen anymore.
All and all, Wolfgang Peterson took a premise that could have been wildly entertaining and ruined it with an all-star cast of bad actors and bad storytelling. Surprisingly, the movie is still entertaining. It took me two watches to realize to what extent it sucked, which isn't bad since I realized Oliver Stone's "Alexander" sucked after just a few minutes. Bravo Peterson, Bravo!