a humorously scathing review written by a friend

Rating: Null/10 (17 May 2004)

TROY.
After seeing Troy last night I think that peoples' opinion of this movie will greatly reflect their political viewpoints. The film's themes are loosely organized and the message that it is trying to convey is ambiguous and indecisive. The central theme of the story involves fighting an unnecessary war in the name of glory, power, and state, as well so those who've died won't have died in vain (if this sounds familiar, it should). The redeeming moments tease anti-war messages and the importance of love, family, and honor, yet these sporadic instances are empty and ultimately short-lived. While supports of the war in Iraq will probably enjoy watching Achilles' character wreck havoc, any rational liberals in the audience will find their inner monologue repeating, "Wait wtf?!"
Orlando Bloom successfully portrays Paris as a spineless little twat, while Brad Pitt's Achilles is nothing more than a confused, short tempered frat-boy with ninja moves and a nice ass. The only character that I found myself sympathizing with was Hector, who was rational and honorable yet knew that the situation would inevitably end badly.
While everyone will enjoy the intense fight between Achilles and Hector and the giant balls of napalm that the Trojans roll onto the Greek camps, this movie has little more to offer besides its man candy. Ignorant war mongers will most likely enjoy this film with its epic battle scenes and nonexistent justifications for war, and everyone else will enjoy snickering when ever Paris comes on the screen, makes some comment referring to love or hunting deer, or strikes a very Legolas-like pose.
For those who still plan on seeing it; be wary and don't expect much historical relevance (who knew Troy was a Byzantine-Egyptian style city that resembled the Cheesecake Factory and its inhabitants were apparently very fond of tie-dye?). For an epic that is based on a classic I was disappointed, mostly because I realize that many viewers will see this film and not recognize the gross injustice to the actual story.
My only hope is that "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" and "King Arthur" will be able to quell my discontent and rekindle my faith in the film industry. Trebuchets and Keira Knightley will no doubt raise my spirits.