True, it ain't Homer, but it's first-rate sword and sandal entertainment and stunning matinee fare for those who can appreciate big, loud epics.

Rating: Null/10 (17 May 2004)

I knew I was going to dig this picture in the first ten minutes, when a colossal bald muscleman is brought forward to conquer our hero, Brad-Achilles-Pit, who is currently busy screwing two beautiful slave babes, but rallies forth when summoned, and dispatches the giant in a single blow. This pretty much sets the stage for this brutal, beefy handling of the old story of Helen of Sparta, the siege of Troy and the Trojan horse. As usual, lots of liberties are taken with the Homerian legend, a moot point, really, if they come up with something as well structured and stirring as this epic finally is. The scale is grand, the pacing is tight and the cast is uniformly good. It's all about conquest and brutality, with a slight dose of romance (nothing too intruding, although a bit more female pulchritude on display would have balanced it a bit and added some genre flourishes. Hah!). The big fight between Achilles and Hector is well worth the build-up. This is an ancient adventure in the best tradition, and totally enjoyable. The bigger the screen and louder the volume, the better. My only quibble: I wish the music score would have been better realized. The dirge-like female moaning didn't work well in GLADIATOR and is just a distracting pastiche here. This would have been scored to perfection by Elmer Bernstein or Jerry Goldsmith; oh well, at least James Horner didn't use his obligatory child chorus, and, thank God, Celine Dion wasn't recruited for the end title song (yuck).