Cinema more wooden than the Trojan Horse

Rating: 1/10 (7 December 2007)

I heard that several years ago, Val Kilmer starred as Moses in a musical version of the Ten Commandments. As horribly bad as the prospect of that "epic" may seem, there is no feasible way in which it could have surmounted the dizzying heights of badness that this egregious disaster attains. They started with a bad script and simply worked their way down. The writing would actually be quite brilliant as some kind of satire on recent epics of the sword and sandal mode, such as Gladiator. Presented in the absolutely deadpan, robotic performances or Mr Pitt, Mr Bloom and company only accentuates the plain poor quality of the script. Check out the quotes page to experience just a taste of the awesome mediocrity in almost every line. David Benioff shows himself to be a contemporary William McGonogall in taking the eloquence of Homer's verse and converting it into this. He is the worst kind of Hollywood hack. The direction is just terrible. Actors wander around the set aimlessly, striking suitably macho poses, speaking their lines as if, like Bela Lugosi, they have learnt their lines phonetically. It is a bit like watching an amateur production of Shakespeare, but without even a good text. Brad Pitt is laughable as Achilles, far from the mythic, complex character depicted in any proper representation of the myth. His style here channels McCauley Culkin, as he struts around acting like a contemptible brat (showing off his enviable pecs simultaneously). Orlando Bloom presumably intends to portray a classic Paris who is more idealistic lover than warrior, but he comes across as an effeminate fourteen-year-old boy. Eric Bana is fine actor and usually a charismatic presence, but here he serves primarily as muscle-bound eye-candy. The leading ladies are not even worth mentioning. Peter O'Toole is the exception, displaying utmost professionalism, but you can somehow tell that he really did not enjoy making this picture. The special effects are rubbish. There is nothing epic about a battle which appears to be made up of about ten guys and a billion CGI clones. Effects of this nature somehow turn out to be both absurdly grandiose and rather pathetic at the same time. Cecile B DeMille may have had the subtlety of a Soviet diplomat, but at least he didn't cheat his audience, opting to do things the proper way. I'm sure the filmmakers could have paid for tens of thousands of extras using half of Brad Pitt's salary alone, so, for me, these lazily constructed CGI effects just aren't good enough. The score is utterly horrible. I read on the trivia page that the music was composed in 1 1/2 months after Warner Bros. rejected Gabriel Yared's effort. It most certainly shows. The the middle eastern-style vocalisation was reasonably fairly effective in the opening, but very quickly grated with overuse. Other elements of the score included (now) clichéd percussive passages (suspiciously similar to parts of Apocolypto), the likes of which have been done much, much better by Howard Shore and others, and sweeping faux-romantic orchestral music, some hideous bastard-child of early Berlioz and John Williams, alternately sugar coated and (no doubt intended to be) epic. I also noticed a few instances of less-than-subtle plagiarism, shamelessly ripping-off Shostakovich and others. James Horner has produced some respectable work, but this is not in that category. I loathe it almost as much as his deplorably saccharine Titanic theme. To sum up, this film (sorry, movie; film implies artistic merit/intentions) owes absolutely nothing to Homer, besides an apology. It to the Illiad what I, Robot is to the memory of Isaac Asimov. I thought that the sacking of temple of Apollo in the film was an apt unconscious metaphor. I am aware that cinema and epic poetry are two entirely disparate mediums, but this does not even stand up as a movie. It is truly appalling. The only benefits that could possibly be derived from Troy are the hours of fun you and your friends will have bagging it out after you pick it up out the bargain bin in a few years. Epically bad.