Worst. Movie. Ever.

Rating: 1/10 (17 May 2004)

I have seen some pretty bad cinematic adaptations before. However, I doubt there could never be a worse adaptation (oh, excuse me, "inspiration") of such a perfect piece of literary art than the atrocity known as TROY.
Just about everything in this movie was bad. No, I take that back: EVERYTHING was simply HORRENDOUS. It was simply GARBAGE. Let me explain only a little of what I think...
The characters were mutated to a point that strayed beyond any kind of cliché or stereotype; they became simply dreadful. Achilles became a pompous, over-self-glorifying jerk that seemed to show no emotion other than arrogance. Paris became a little schoolgirl--er, boy--who would rather sit and watch the battle. Agamemnon became an insane, over-the-top, bloodthirsty maniac with the same motivations as our current "President" (and not to mention just as annoying). Helen suddenly had a whole blooming romance with Paris the equivalent of yet another attempt at cashing in on poor Shakespeare's famous romance (which will remain anonymous, because what else would I be talking about?). Ajax became a huge muscle-man...and not much more. Odysseus even fell to a similar fate; he became more of a sword-ready fiend rather than the innocent thrust into a war he did not wish to be in. And where was Diomedes? And more importantly, WHERE WERE THE GODS?!
All the armor, ships, and costumes were identical, as if they were manufactured, rather than hand-crafted (which is how it would have been). All of the rooms and houses had such gaudy, Martha Stewart-esque deco and tapestries.
Finally, the movie dragged on forever (I actually checked my watch at one point, only to be sorely disappointed that less than half the movie had elapsed). There was no humor in it whatsoever, and the plot structure was a monotonous pattern of battle-dialogue-battle-dialogue.
How could Wolfgang Petersen and such a fine group of actors and actresses (well...never mind the actresses, actually) create such garbage? David Benioff should be SHOT for his adaptation of the beautiful poem that is recognized everywhere as one of the best and most wonderful pieces of literature ever.
There are so many other things I could rant about with this atrocious movie. Troy was, quite simply, THE worst movie I have EVER had the misfortune of actually spending money on, only to have my visual nerves stimulated (more like raped) from. If you don't believe me, go ahead and see it; perhaps those of us who had the pleasure of reading THE ILLIAD are more biased towards this piece of cinematic garbage, but I will be honestly surprised if anyone other than a little girl of the age of 13 finds this movie to be even remotely entertaining.
Simply put, Troy sucked.