Worse Than Bad

Rating: 1/10 (11 May 2004)

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time: Batman & Robin, Mulholland Drive, Caddyshack 2, Cave Dwellers. I'm not sure where Troy fits among them, but I am certain that it deserves a place there. I saw a free screening of it last night and at $0 it was a rip-off. The movie starts with the word "Troy" in a chiseled font on top of a map of ancient Greece. From that point, the movie starts getting bad. It makes quick work of bad and goes within minutes to worse. Once it finds itself at worse, it decides it's not bad enough so it finds a pile of manure sitting in stagnant swamp water and rolls around in it for two hours and forty-five minutes. Realizing that the movie is bad and stinky, director Wolfgang Peterson determines that having gigantic, obviously computer-generated battles every twenty minutes is the only way to save it. And of course, what's a gigantic, obviously computer-generated battle scene without some ethereal, Enya-esque music in the background to make the audience know that they're supposed to feel Super-Extra Sad about all the death and stuff?
This movie contains good actors. Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana, Peter O'Toole, and Brad Pitt do as good as they can. Sadly, when the script is written by what I can only assume was a mentally-challenged teenager who skimmed the Cliff Notes of Homer's Iliad, there's not much you can do. "Duh, hmmm," this poorly-educated child must have thought upon completing his masterpiece, "I done put Helen of Troy, da Trojan Horse, and Achilles' Heel in dis film, so it am ready to go." The poor quality of the script is only accentuated by Peterson's decision to pace the movie so it goes over the 2 1/2 hour mark (one of the sure ways to know it's an epic film). One such poorly paced and produced moments has Paris (Bloom) about to fight for Helen (Diane Kruger) against her husband Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson). Low, somber music plays in the background as Paris approaches Menelaus. Cut to Helen watching from above and switch the music to a high, whiny pitch. Cut to Menelaus looking menacingly at Paris and return to the low, somber music. Cut to Priam (O'Toole)sitting next to Helen and looking like he hasn't blinked in 10 years; accentuate 'intense stare' with a resumption of the high, whiny music. This back and forth continues for a few more cuts which gives the viewer plenty of time to realize just how little they have been made to care about any of these poorly developed characters.
Sadly, I'm not one to leave movies in the middle, so I stayed for the whole thing. At one point, I considered plucking my eyes out and shoving them in my ears so I wouldn't have to see or hear any more. Unfortunately, that wouldn't have done anything about the bad taste this film had already deposited in my mouth. As I said, I have seen a lot of bad movies. For the most part, those movies weren't trying to be something they weren't. Troy never wavers from the notion that it is an Epic and Important Movie for long enough to realize that it's a Trite and Pointless Piece of Flotsam. In fact, after writing this, I think Troy may be worse than even Batman and Robin, because I can look back on that and laugh. But there's nothing funny about having almost three hours of your life painfully stolen from you.
I hope you have enjoyed this ranting diatribe. If it serves the purpose of keeping you and anyone you care about away from this movie, I will sleep well tonight.