Just painful to watch

Rating: 1/10 (30 June 2009)

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is one of the most desperate attempts I have ever seen made by a movie. Coming only two years after the release of the original Transformers I knew this movie was not going to be anything special, because a sequel that is pushed into completion within two years is never a good sign.
The movie begins with what we find to be an alliance between the military and the Autobots from the first film as they work together in an attempt to destroy all remaining Deceptacons on the planet Earth. I suppose this was a better idea than simply repeating the exact formula of the first film, but it's just handled very childishly. This entire idea leads up to a huge, explosion filled fight with some sort of giant wheel-bot, that after a few minutes seems to be giving the Autobots the slip (of course in a Michael Bay film a giant robot destroying much of a highway is easy to cover up by the government. Durr-hurr). But what's this? A military cargo plane is flying overhead and heroic music has kicked in! Can it be? My God, it is! Here comes the toy world's most beloved robot character, Optimus Prime! Only problem is that Optimus seems to think he's in a 1980s cop film, because I wouldn't be joking if I say the first thing he tells the tinker-toy from hell after parachuting onto it was "Pull over!" Great! Optimus Prime has now become RoboCop! By the way, get used to one-liners like this- they make up most of the movie's dialogue.
The military involvement is vague and they are, as is sci-fi tradition, failing to help in any way! Have you ever once seen a sci-fi/action movie where World domination seeking robots are brought down by machine gun fire? Makes you wonder what the humans are doing here in the first place! They're probably cushions for the robots whenever they fall- don't want those bright paint jobs ruined.
Cut through the opening credits and go to our loving family from the first film. These segments between Sam, his parents, Bumblebee, and Sam's mechanic girlfriend (played by more curves than brains actress Megan Fox) are something that totally turns to movie upside down whenever they occur. No longer are you watching a mindless Rock 'Em Sock 'Em movie, but you've gone into a sitcom I like to call "That Robot Show." Whether it be Sam's dogs humping each other or his mother randomly getting off on pot-brownies these segments will stoop to anything in vain attempts to make you laugh (as if the absurd action sequences aren't funny enough of a joke).
Speaking of vain attempts at humor let me move right along to perhaps the worst aspect of this entire mess of a film: The Twins. Where to even begin with these unpleasant charactersThrow Jar Jar Binks into a ghetto, blend him up and split him into two and that would sum up how incredibly annoying these characters are, and if their presence wasn't enough to bother you they've made sure to provide you one of the most offensive portrayals of African Americans you will ever see in today's big-budget films. These robotseven their design screams of racist stereotype. One of them has big lips, another has big ears, and one even has a gold tooth (!!). I don't know who approved these characters or this portion of the script during development but surely no rational being could have thought these characters to be a good idea.
We also have some shameless rip-off of what appears to be The Terminator as a Deceptacon has taken to form of an attractive girl who seems to have her eyes set on Sam. You know something tells me that if I had the ability to take the form of humans I would use myself in a lot more productive manner than being a tease for college boys at Princeton (which seems to be a party university according to this film).
None of the plot really makes sense other than to come up with as many cheesy one-liners and explosions as physically possible. When the bad guys chase Sam they don't pursue, or stalk him- they just choose to blow everything up at random. There is something called tension that even a bad film can pull off, and it does not involve constant wall-to-wall explosions. Go back to the first two Terminator films. Remember how intense it was to have our human characters in a factory where a deadly machine could be anywhere? This didn't involve any explosions, or gunshots, but it sure as hell managed to create tension and edge of your seat moments.
I'll admit to liking some movies that involve turning your brain down a notch, the first Transformers film being an example of this, but this movie just went too far. At two hours and twenty minutes I thought the first film was forty minutes too long and this sequel is only longer and much less comprehensible. Some people say these films are the exact same thing and I have to strongly disagree. In the first film you could find the characters enjoyable and sometimes even whimsical. This one everyone is a cardboard cutout. First film the special effects were enough to dazzle you. This one they are so elaborate and over developed that you often had trouble understanding what was going on! This movie is an attack on your senses, plain and simple, though it's bound to make plenty of money and a third film will undoubtedly be spawned I can only say that no one will be talking about this series five years from now. It is just a passing fancy, something pretty to look at, like the cars showcased in this movie. Only good part of the film is seeing the new Corvette Stingray.