Bay_ware of nausea

Rating: 3/10 (15 August 2014)

It was almost inevitable that a second Transformers movie would be made, given that a largely crude and sell able formula was used for the first. Eye candy makes up for about 95% of the target audiences expectations, after all.
So it was a great pity that Michael Bay tried even harder to ensure that the maturer audience almost keeled over from motion sickness and extreme face-palming... Not only is 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' a tiresome sequel-by-numbers, but it has more flaws than a Wickes catalogue.
The original movie was almost a guilty pleasure; pure popcorn entertainment that you can easily disengage your brain to enjoy (as with Armageddon). 'Revenge...', however, follows in Terminator 3's footsteps by claiming the events that lay ahead were inevitable, therefore creating a disbelief that spoils what is left of a completely preposterous story.
Shia LaBeouf is excellent once again as the socially awkward Sam, but it's a pity (for some) that Megan Fox is once again present for her physical assets rather than acting ability. 'Revenge...' takes this a step further with cringeworthy close-ups and completely unnecessary shots of Fox showing off those seductive functions, although to be fair, the first half of the movie is edited in such a frantic and confusing manner that you're never aware of what's going on, and the significance of such. This spontaneity makes it difficult to understand what Sam's entry into college had to do with anything, and why we need stupid jokes that go against any kind of drama from the, for lack of better term, dork room mates.
Talking of bad humour, it seems the transformers themselves have spent too much time around the cast as they themselves produce truly tepid one-liners that the Christmas crackers author to shame. I'm guessing the scriptwriter thought this may appeal to the hyperactive under-10's in the audience, who think things are awesome/'epic' very easy.
The most frustrating aspect about this movie isn't how it could have been compressed into half the runtime, but for how in that period, it manages to conjure so many ridiculous plot holes and bad mistakes. Since when was full colour film available in 1932? How did the marines get to Egypt in under an hour? Why did no-one discover those GIANT WEAPONS inside the pyramids of Giza for over a century? Why does a transformer who's been dormant in a museum require a beard and walking stick? And why oh why, in typical American pig-ignorance, did they give him the most English of English voices just because he's a bumbling fool and knowledgeable? Jee-wizz...
I should also point out that someone in the CGI department believes Optimus Prime - a behemoth weighing many tones - can casually stand on the edge of an aircraft carrier without affecting the vessels waterline or stability?
Please... someone fire this guy.
As a movie-going experience, this sequel is expectedly disappointing. It will please children that love two and half of hours of their daily CGI-count, but it is truly a nauseating and ridiculous product that, sadly, represents the state of the movie industry at this point in time... Hype sells.