Not just a terrible film, but a social blight

Rating: 1/10 (27 June 2009)

I can't be nice about this.
I am not a prude about movies. I'd rather watch Spider-Man 2 than anything from Fellini any day of the week. I can certainly tolerate high concept, big budget action movies. I can even appreciate the occasional need for mindless entertainment with little substance - I gladly paid for, and enjoyed, 300 even though it wasn't a quality film. It was entertaining while lacking substance. But there's a difference between a little bit of substance and none at all. And Transformers 2 isn't 300.
There's nothing wrong with paying to see Transformers 2, since I understand that it's a tent pole film of the summer and everyone's buzzing about it and, let's face it, if you're gonna see a movie like this, it should be in the theater. But if you enjoyed Transformers 2, you should be ashamed of yourself. This is not hyperbole. Transformers 2 is not only a horrible movie, but one that's actually insulting to intelligent people and made me feel worse off having watched it than I was before. And how is a movie like this received? Why, with thunderous applause and laughter, of course.
If you need to have it explained to you why Transformers 2 is bad, go read any critic's review of it - it's not difficult to figure out why. But the critics don't represent the masses. Every joke in Transformers 2 is either corny, stupid, lewd for the sake of being lewd (robots yelling expletives is not a punchline), or all three. Yet the audience laughed at them. The action scenes are overly congested and, despite looking flashy, have very little going on. Yet the audience stared at them in awe. The drama is forced and canned, the characters are blank slates, Shia Lebouf is a mediocre actor at best who brings nothing to the table, there are mile-long pieces of plot exposition that should put everyone to sleep and need to be broken up, every woman is drop-dead gorgeous and talks like they came out out of a late-night phone dating ad, and yet...
Michael Bay will make millions and millions of dollars for this sorry excuse for entertainment and will be allowed to continue to make movies. And I'll have to hear from people for years how "awesome" Transformers 2 was. These are the same people who eagerly wait to hear what Dane Cook has to say. These are the people who turn on the TV and watch Family Guy for their comedy and House for their drama.
There were, at best, two genuine moments in the entire bloated 2 1/2 hours of this film (Optimus Prime's big scene in the middle and possibly Shia Lebouf's moment near the end). Couldn't we, if nothing else, just get 2 hours of robots punching each other? I would have been content with that. I especially feel sorry for people who were fans of Transformers prior to the movies. There's nothing that says that the franchise requires Shia Lebouf and moronic story lines - that's just something they added in. Those poor fans will never get a decent live action flick.
This is why the terrorists hate us, folks. Because this is what we do with our freedom. We applaud movies like Transformers 2. I spent my last 13 bucks on it and feel genuinely sick because of it. I've heard a great deal of debate as to whether or not it's okay to give the people what they want or not. This is pure proof that it's not. Because "the people" want explosions, cars, and no plot or substance, assuming it's covered up with hot chicks, of course. The people who also say no in response to this question usually cite Nazi Germany, in which what the people wanted was clearly wrong. It's a bit of a leap, but replace excessive violence and genocide with stupidity and you've got the same idea. Ever see Blade Runner? That's the junk culture that our society is heading toward. It's very rare that I play the "someone think of the children" card, but there were a lot of little kids in that theater. If this is what they're watching, not just in terms of the violence/vulgarity of it, but also in terms of the stupidity, what's the next generation gonna be like? I'm a film major and I just watched my art form get defecated on. I need to go watch Cuckoo's Nest or Raging Bull or something as a metaphorical shower. Seriously, last summer, Christopher Nolan released the Dark Knight, showing that blockbuster movies could be intelligent and rich in subtext, while still being adrenaline pumping. How could he have raised the bar so high and yet trash like Transformers 2 is still considered acceptable? I don't want to be on this planet anymore with people that enjoy Transformers 2. If there were an alternative option to Earth, I'd take it.
Unless I see a Decepticon there. For those who have yet to see Transformers 2, I urge you to resist and not pay to see it. I won't judge you if you do, though. I will, however, if you enjoy it. If it weren't for Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I'd say Transformers 2 is the worst movie I've ever seen. Go enjoy your millions, Michael Bay, and hope there's not a film hell awaiting you in the afterlife.
I saw a trailer for 2012 prior to this that suggested the world would end that year. Here's hoping there's something to that.
Oh, and Megan Fox is so hot, it hurts. But that's not a good reason to enjoy Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.