Transformers: No really not fit for human consumption.

Rating: 1/10 (21 June 2009)

I wasn't going to even bother to review Michael Bay's latest xenophobic robot orgy but how could I not review the worst film of all time? Yes you heard right straight in at the top of my chart for worst film ever made is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a film (and I use the term very loosely) which I can only describe to you by saying imagine the Muppet show starring huge overcomplicated robots re-enacting American Pie, with explosions, lots of explosions. Two hours too long and never quite sure what it wants to be the film is a cobbled together mess of toilet humour, effects and very little in the way of plot and it even seems to have transformed Megan Fox into some sort cheap soft porn star all fake tan and pouted lips that's are never without a ton of gloss. Sam is back as the reluctant hero/nerd who's parents have gone from being really annoying to 'oh my god why doesn't one of these robots just stamp on these idiots'. Just like having the option to view recently released DVDs of 3D films in either 2D or 3D there should be an option to watch this film at half speed just so you can actually see what the hell is going on, the camera just cant seem to stay still for five minutes, my god what am I saying that would make the film even longer. With a budget that could save a third world country from starvation its easy to see where it was all spent as everything from Sam's house to the pyramids is blown to smithereens and then blown up again for good measure, in fact after about thirty minutes of flattening Egypt I was wondering if there was anything left to level? But, ever the trooper, Michael seems to find a constant supply of things to reduce to rubble. Wearing its right wing views like a badge of honour, Transformers manages to disguise its American bombast in all the confusion, but look closely and you will see that Optimus Prime with his Red, white and Blue colours is leading a team against the Decepticon terrorism threat, all of whom are dark and gravely voiced I could go on but it already seems like I'm wasting my time and I already did that by sitting through the damn thing. Needless to say that there are so many things wrong with this film that I could write for days, like how they nicked bits from other films i.e. Terminator, how the oldest Transformer (who is Scottish for god knows what reason) can jump through space but none of the newer models can and why the giant Transformer needed a huge pair of metal Testicles? I kid you not. Two days after I witnessed this and I still feel violated, all my senses feel raped and I still cant quite believe how utterly utterly pants this overblown waste of celluloid was. The first one was bad and so I went in with very low expectations but even so Michael 'I'm a violent sex starved patriotic boy trapped inside a man's body in a creepy way' Bay managed to leave me completely speechless, well until I felt the anger well up enough to start telling anyone who would listen that under no circumstance should you ever ever put yourself through this torturous ordeal.