Don't be deceived - it's loud but generally worthless

Rating: 4/10 (27 June 2009)

This cacophonous sequel to the 2007 blockbuster is a relentlessly incomprehensible mess. Alleged director Michael Bay, a firm believer in the throw-everything-at-the-wall theory of film-making, manages to overwhelm the senses with a teeth-rattling soundtrack and a blistering, epilepsy-inducing barrage of metallic imagery. Oh, there's a story in there, something about preventing an evil robot from destroying the sun, but it's almost completely irrelevant.
Since the movie is a direct follow up to the last Transformers film, some background is necessary. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBoeuf) is preparing to go to college, away from his new sweetheart Mikaela (Megan Fox) and his new alien robot best friend, Bumblebee. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime (a good robot) is helping the world's armies take on stray Decepticons (bad robots), who are trying to revive their old leader Megatron, find Sam, and aid another bad robot named The Fallen (see what they did there?).
Most of the scenes involve Sam (and Mikaela, and others in their posse) running from place to place, getting shot at by apparently the slowest giant robots in the universe. But not like in films like National Treasure or Angels and Demons, where a mystery was being solved and the protagonist was running from place to place because time was almost up for them to solve said mystery. More like running around just so that more robot battle scenes could be included. I mean, it doesn't really have to have a point, right? One big problem is that the robots are sort of hard to distinguish from one another. Some are pretty easy, like Optimus Prime (he's blue and red) and Bumblebee (he's yellow), and the Twins Mudflap and Skids, or even The Fallen, who has an elongated faceplate. There are gray-metal robots who are Decepticons (colorless = evil?), but then there are some who are Autobots. Add to this confusion the fact that the fight scenes move at a breakneck pace, so even if you can tell who's fighting whom, you really can't tell what specifically is being done.
The movie is also about an hour too long (it's two and a half hours total). There are too many battle scenes anyway, and there are too many characters to keep track of. Slice it down to a manageable running time and chop out some secondary characters - keep the battles to just the most obvious players - and maybe there would be a coherent, cohesive movie. But Michael Bay directed this, and he's known for doing the opposite of what a good filmmaker would do.
As for the acting... well, I don't want to be negative. I'm kidding, of course I do. Being negative is easier than being positive. But it's double-plus easier for a film like this, because it's so clichéd and so overwrought. The acting is subpar; everyone hams it up, probably because they don't want to be overshadowed by robots. (They are anyway.) LaBoeuf is not a good actor, never has been. He's not a good action-movie type, frankly; you don't look at him and see hero, you see nincompoop. He doesn't inspire so much as react. This was never more evident than in the latest Indiana Jones movie, when sixtysomething Harrison Ford - not a great actor, but an appealing one - was far more convincing than LaBoeuf. You're supposed to look at LaBoeuf and think he's a guy next door, and instead you look at him and think he's a self-aggrandizing little twit. Or maybe that's just me.
Megan Fox is in this movie basically to look pretty - check out, as I did, the endless pans over her young, lithe body, and you know exactly who's in the intended audience. (Note: It's not sixty-year-old women.) The appropriately named Fox is all pouty lips and gleaming teeth, and she's likable enough, but she's given little to do other than dote on LaBoeuf awkwardly.
As for the rest of the cast, it's a clash of acting styles. John Turturro returns as Agent Simmons, and he's wackier than ever; Ramon Rodriguez plays Sam's new college roommate, web entrepreneur Leo, and he's deranged and a wuss. Sam's parents are played by Kevin Dunn and Julie White, who shamelessly mug - White's character in particular is needlessly loony. She was probably supposed to be comic relief, but she comes off as annoying.
This isn't a great thrill ride, as the previews might lead you to believe. It's not even a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. It's more like the It's a Small World ride, a ride that ceaselessly repeats the same refrain just to irritate the pants off you, figuratively speaking, resulting in a desperate wish for it all to be over.