"Beginning,middle,end.Details.Plot.Compress.Tell it !" -worthy advice for Bay !

Rating: 3/10 (27 June 2009)

I am going to start by admitting that I am a movie snob.I'm not easily pleased,nor impressed by what comes out nowadays yet I learned to adapt and appreciate this novelty genre namely "summer blockbuster",this sweet cancer rotting within the film-making industry,this symbiosis of sense-pleasing and brain-shrinking relish known also through the overused term "pure entertainment".Which is nothing but an excuse that protectively envelops the money-sucking tentacles of Hollywood.
In view of the recent acclaimed comic/toy/cartoon films that conspicuously invaded the industry during the last of this sinful seasons,one may believe that after the consecutive critical and financial hits they finally got the right recipe to create the equivalent of a cinematic aphrodisiac.And they did,for a brief period climaxing with "The Dark Knight",the very moment when the two pedestals of money and acclaim reached a microscopical equilibrium on the balance of success.Notwithstanding, "Transformers:Revenge of The Fallen" is the epitome of the downfall of that trend;a downfall which I hope that won't victimize the average moviegoers for an extended period of time,and will be quickly followed by a gradual evolution.
I walked into the theater expecting the safe formula that worked so well for the first "Transformers",which happened to be exactly the perfect blend of Hollywood's finest qualities used as an excuse for product placement.I left the theater virtually insulted by Michael Bay's effort of not letting us enjoy the mindless fun.The elements which compose "fun" alike "TF1","Crank","Live Free or Die Hard" are in abundance,unfortunately so are those that make up "mindless".There is no antagony between those two indistinct features of the movie,just the overwhelming and ostentatious quantity of both which leisurely prevented me from focusing on the first one while drinking my soda and stuffing popcorn in my mouth.
A plot as smooth,clear and flat as a piece of Emmentaler (with an approximately equal amount of holes),a cast consisting of bankable,mediocre,overacting future-Christian Bales and teen-pleasing tediously artificial wannabe Angelina Jolies,a script as bewilderingly original and witty as the verses in Jonas Brothers' latest singles make up this simplistic and painfully elongated CGI extravanganza.It's the symbol of Hollwyood's worst,so obtrusive that ends up achieving an anecdotal value.
There is one unforgettable flaw of this movie,obnoxious even beyond the blatant butchering of geography,army policy and organization,pointlessness of major characters (would someone kindly explain to me what was the outcome of the presence of Leo,the parents,the small blue robot,and the annoying government guy to the the plot ?) and awfully overdone premise,is the "humor".Or at least the complete and utter failed attempt at comic relief through repetitive perverted innuendos and low-brow racist teenage stereotypes which develop into an unbearable trend throughout the film.Mechanoid testicles ? Gangsta robots ? John Turturro's thong ? Mother getting high on pot ? Those are the clear signs that the divine hand of Steven Spielberg lost his grip on the project during the production of this predictable two-hours and a half hip-hop car commercial.
Technologically speaking,this movie is a breakthrough in computer generated graphics and sound editing/mixing.Few scene in particular almost made me forget about the total artistic kitsch and enjoy magnificent backgrounds and character rendering at least for a few minutes.The cinematography is the sole improvement over the first "Transformers",with less shaky cam and more slow-motion to enhance the eyecandyness of the explosions within IMAX shots (which are surprisingly rare given the insane budget).Unfortunately,the movie fails on so many levels that technical brilliance alone cannot embody a redeeming factor.
"Beginning, middle, end," Agent Simmons pleads to Jetfire. "Details. Plot. Compress. Tell it.".If only Michael Bay and the writers had listened to the very character they created,this film could have been cut to half of it's length,and double it's value while avoiding a 19% rating from top critics and furious roars from dedicated fans .
3/10 .