A chaotic mess that further ruined my childhood

Rating: 2/10 (25 May 2016)

Do you know what makes Transformers cool?
It's not explosions or action or cool voices or hot girls. I know this because I collected hundreds of the toys when I was a kid and the toys had NONE of those things.
In fact, the toys only had ONE thing: they could transform from robot to vehicle and back again. THAT is the essence of what made Transformers cool, and when I was a kid that sparked my imagination like nothing else that had come before it.
... Well, except "Machine Men" (or "GoBots" if you spring from the US), who actually pioneered the concept long before Hasbro stole it for Transformers.
Anyway, point is, they were cool because they transformed, and it was really revolutionary at the time. It gave my generation a whole new type of superhero that we felt were made specifically for us.
So it really was my childhood at stake when they screwed up the first Transformers. It manipulated me, lied to me, and made me feel dirty and ashamed, like the abusive pedo baby sitter I never had.
In part II, ILM hyped up their new high poly-count models, more realistic lighting and revamped algorithmic transformations -- but I actually laughed out loud when they grandly introduced the first transformation. An SUV rolls up and proceeds to transform into fan favorite robot Ironhide over a period of roughly 45 seconds.
Joints move, then move back, panels slide open then close again, things bend, twist and spin randomly. And all the while, the camera spins around him in a dizzying display of grandeur gone wrong.
I'm sure Bay thought he was creating spectacle, but he was really just making a spectacle of himself.
Then Ironhide stands up and busts out a bland British accent for some reason. They all have stupid accents. Some of them talk like clichéd Detroit gangstas, others seem to be doing a pretty convincing impression of Ruby Rhod from Fifth Element.
I guess this was Bay's attempt to make them recognizable and give them distinct personalities, but it's just another of a thousand choices that make the film annoying and childish.
Look, I feel bad, I really do. I know a lot of talented people put a lot of work into this movie. I appreciate all the reflections and textures and bump maps and complex polygons, I really do.
But it just doesn't excuse the chaotic direction, one dimensional characters and seemingly random plot line Michael Bay tried to pass off as entertainment. And it definitely doesn't excuse that one dumb-ass decision to fake out the transformations instead of modeling them properly.
I get into more detail over on the Popcorn Lobotomy YouTube channel in my video review, so check it out.