A snuffy mess

Rating: 2/10 (22 June 2009)

You know you're in for a royal mess of a script when the scene which kicks the whole story off is the main character conveniently 'just so happens' to find a piece of 'the all spark' in his jacket!? Followed by a totally unnecessary gremlin-transformers blow up the house scene. We find Bumblebee is being kept in the garage like a bloody dog... Toilet humor... Very quickly the smile on my face from the opening Shanghai sequence (which looked great, along with a forest fight later on) quickly started to fade.
From here to got worse. Shias crazy roommate (who serves what purpose?) Shia caught cheating with a TX from Terminator 3 (yes, I'm not kidding). Annoying 'stuck in there' scenes with Shias parents. Where there wasn't stupid, loud, humour, there was explosions.
The constant noise and explosions and grey messes of metal fighting wore thin on me very quickly. Action needs breathers, set up, anticipation. And give the robots some colour for Christ's sake! The movie did not need the comic relief of what people are calling the racist 'jar-jar twins' but I enjoyed the seeing some primary colours I have to say. All in all though, this movie was the pornographic equivalent of a 2 hour close up of a knob ramming an a'hole. Maybe some people want that but I don't want to see it. Show us a little foreplay, a little tease, change position, anything!
Speaking of porn, that's also the reason Megan Fox didn't work. She looks like she's in the wrong business. She also has zero charisma or personality (though the writers could be to blame here). You see makaela would have worked if she was smoking hot in a pretty sense and a touch down to earth (attainable) so an audience could dream their were Sam. We would of related to her more and therefore cared about her. It also would have made the T-X 'seductress' work in the film work. But she's less hot than the ott megan! Talk about the girlfriend experience. How much is Sam paying for the privilege? And the story spoke of being faithful? Come on, how could you trust Fox? Seriously. In skimpy shorts and low tops hanging around motorcycle grease monkeys all day? Add this to dogs dry humping, robot radio control cars dry humping... Who is this movie aimed at?
I mostly enjoyed the first film. It worked for the most part and felt like the story had been worked and then shot, as opposed to being shot while they worked it out. I think the transformers franchise could of worked brilliantly. It needed more 'Berg less Bay though. Given us a touch of wonder and magic...
Star Trek still makes the summer a success. That was so enjoyable it counts for two movies. Same writers, yeah, but Bay would have turned the dark knight into a noisy snuffy mess.