My friend's name is Optimus Prime, what's yours?

Rating: 2/10 (24 June 2009)

The highly anticipated Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has come out, and what a coming out it is. Bay delivers a 150 minute spectacle featuring a wide array of shiny cars, military vehicles, and of course, giant, transforming robots. Even though the film lasted two and half hours, I felt like my sensory receptors had been fried beyond repair.
The film picks up right where the last film left off. For those who haven't seen the first film, it is of some importance to see it prior to Revenge, but it is not completely necessary. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is off to college to try and lead a normal life. Mikaela (Megan Fox) stays behind and tries to maintain their long distant relationship. They might be ready for a normalcy, but they aren't quite out of the woods just yet.
Meanwhile, the Autobots have been working with the military to try and stop the Decepticon's from taking over the planet. Lead by Optimus Prime and Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel), the secret squadron stumbles upon a new plan to take over and could result in the destruction of the Autobots as well as the entire planet. The Autobots call for Sam's help once more, for he holds the key to Earth's safety and the destruction of the Decepticon armada. The answer has been imprinted onto his brain (don't worry how, it just was).
The following is a wild goose chase that spans the globe. When we're not watching giant robots destroy everything in sight, there are only a few things left to do. Bay has mastered the art of distraction. He uses his characters and settings to fill up the gaps in between the action scenes. Fox's character in particular has a number of shots that have nothing to do with the scene or even the entire film. We all remember her pose looking under the hood of Sam's car in the first film. Well, there are about a dozen or more of those here. Yes, Megan Fox is attractive, but we can see her in magazines and on the Internet if we want pictures like that. The movie should be restricted to what is most important.
Another distraction and time waster Bay uses are the car and military vehicle transitions. Whenever the transformers are driving around, it looks like a commercial for Chevy or GMC. All that is missing is a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen in regards to the low APR financing. These shots pale in comparison to the military shots. I know Bay has connections with just about ever branch of the armed services. He wants us to make sure we know it, too. He uses virtually every possible piece of hardware the military has to offer from ships to planes to tanks. There is even some water/hovercraft here. Why? Do we really need to show off what our country has? One or two might be okay, but we see a new one every time we change locations or start a new mission. It is a bit ridiculous.
These distractions aside, there is a glaring flaw with the film and it lies within the screenplay. The story is too strung out and goes on way longer than it should be. This film doesn't have to have the greatest of plot twists or things like that. It needs to take us from one robot fight to the next. Let's face it, Transformers is not about the humans being saved but about the giant robots who run around blowing each other up scene after scene after scene. In between those scenes needs to be decent filler, something the first film had. The in between scenes here are annoying, poorly written, and could be condensed.
With all of that against the movie, there is one major upside (that saves the movie) and it is the Transformers. They are big, loud, and full of energy. Here is an example of a film where slow motion is used positively. It's fun seeing Optimus Prime headlock and gut an enemy Decepticon. It's even more fun watching it in slow motion. What Bay accomplished in the first film was a sense that these fights were taking place in real locations with real people and environments interacting with the robots. He applies the same conditions here and on a much more epic scale.
So it's not a great movie. It's too long, too cheesy, and confused at times. What it does offer is some guaranteed entertainment that just might make up for the near eleven dollar ticket price. If you don't expect a masterpiece and are looking to see some giant, killer robots wreak havoc on the world, enjoy.