I expected more from Michael Bay...

Rating: 3/10 (13 July 2009)

... but he has proved, yet again, that he can't direct human actors. He can direct big CGI kaboom-boom, 60 foot tall CGI robots lumbering about, and CGI in general. So why is it his human actors seem incapable of delivering believable lines? And their relationships are forced and more fake than the CGI going on around them? What is it with the dumb sex jokes? This is a movie based on toys and a kids cartoon. It's like making a movie about the Smurfs and inserting human actors and live action scenes... and then adding some soft core porn and an avalanche of unfunny sex jokes.
Spoilers... So many scenes in this movie are just eye-rolling, cringe-worthy, 'yeah right - whatever!' moments. Mr Bay has his female humans present themselves as nothing more than brain dead eye candy. Characters die and come back to life. All the standard action movie clichés are used and are ridden to death.
An attempt is made to insert a plot, but it soon spirals out of control. Sam goes to college and his mother gets wasted on dope cake. Then he is subjected to a near robotic rape by a Decepticon/Terminatrix Fembot and his girlfriend just so happens to walk in on him at *exactly that moment*. She gets her leg humped by a little toy truck Decepticon. A robot farts. Another robot talks like a gangster, but with a lisp because its gold tooth is so huge. A joke is made about testicles. And another robot farts. Then we watch two male dogs humping. Twice. Another joke is made about testicles (robot ones this time!) This goes on an hour too long. Yawn.
...is this movie over yet?