Blandsformers

Rating: 4/10 (11 July 2009)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Every now and then I need a reminder of how much summer blockbuster action films suck. I also need a reminder of the general stupidity of the American public for financially supporting such movies.
I'd like to say that I'd rather watch Battlefield Earth or maybe even Space Jam on repeat for 24 hours straight than watch this abomination of a film. I'll keep this short and sweet with a list of pros and cons.
Pros:

3 hours in an air conditioned dark room. - Energy drink I snuck in. - The ceiling of the theater looked pretty cool. - Going to bed that night and waking up not even remembering Transformers until someone at work brought it up.

Cons: - Megan Fox: She tries to look hot and bothered even during the running for her life/survival sequences. She squirms in her seat and bites her lip like a teenage girl on a date with the most popular boy in school. Her acting is reminiscent of late night Showtime soft-core. - Shia guy: "BUMBLEBEEEEEEEEE!!!!" He screams and clips out his post-production microphone. Can this guy please be removed from Hollywood? Wasn't he on Nickelodeon or part of the Mickey Mouse club or something? His character in this movie is worthy of casting him in a possible "License 2 Drive II" - Devastator getting shot by a 'railgun' on a ship... just conveniently in some body of water within viewing distance from the Great Pyramid. Wow, great way to end a 20-30 minute character introduction/buildup. Get some guy to make a cell-phone call and prank the US Navy into shooting a robot with an experimental weapon. Wow. - Every action sequence. I think Michael Bay might be far-sighted. The first full-body shot of any of the transformers in an action sequence happened to be like 1-1/2 hours into the movie. As much as I love watching random appendages flying across the screen at light-speed with car-brand logos hidden on them, I think I'd rather stare at the back of the persons head in front of me. - Consistent product placement. Do I need to explain this one? - The "Comedy" relief of the movie - Epic fail. I don't care about Shia's parents from the get-go. I'm pretty sure his mom was reading her lines off an index card in her hand at one point. Im not even joking. - Human-robot-transformer-girl-with-tongue. Nuff said. - About 3 hours long. Think of Lord of the Rings, but subtract all things cool and worthwhile. That's a pretty good summary of Transformers 2. - The fact that people are calling this "T2". There's a T2 that exists already. It just so happens to be a movie Michael Bay didn't get to touch: Hence why it's the most highly appraised action movie in the industry. - Tyrese