I'd rather watch a marathon of "Ow! My Balls!"

Rating: 2/10 (28 May 2010)

Of all the Michael Bay movies that have ever been produced, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen is by far the Michael Bay-iest. It's 153 minutes of him ejaculating his essence into viewers' faces.
In the two years since the first Transformers movie, the Autobots and Earth's military forces have worked together to track down and destroy Decepticon invaders (Those are both armies of giant robots that change shape into vehicles, for those of you that missed the first movie or any of the cartoons or toys that have been around since the 1980s). This little war has been going on in secret and they've been hiding the existence of all alien robots from the public. How this didn't all get out after that huge battle devastated downtown Los Angeles in the first film is just one of many, many, many, MANY obvious questions this story avoids like the plague.
Anyway, after a ludicrously over-the-top action scene that might as well have been filmed with a kaleidoscope for all the sense it makes, a dying Decepticon mentions something called "The Fallen". None of the Autobots know what to make of this because apparently all Transformer history and knowledge was stored in that giant cube from the first film and was lost when it was destroyed. Yeah, that's right. A civilization of giant robots has no back up memory files. Not even a flash drive or something burned onto a DVD. And that's not even close to being the stupidest thing in this film.
Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), who saved the world from the Decepticons in the first movie, is going to college. He's going to school on the East Coast and leaving behind his incredibly hot girlfriend Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox) and his Autobot protector Bumblebee. Apparently there were no closer schools he could attend so Sam could stay near his incredibly hot girlfriend and, I guess, having a giant robot around to do whatever you want must get old after a while. While Sam is leaving for college, he finds a piece of the giant cube from the first movie. He gives it to Mikaela for safekeeping, but not before it zaps his brain with a bunch of alien data. For the next hour-and-a-half of this movie, Sam and Mikaela don't tell anyone they have this cube shard and seem to even forget they have it, despite all common sense and that fact the shard would have been vitally useful at several different moments. And no, that's not the stupidest thing in this film.
To cut a long and garbled plot down to size, the Decepticons located a giant machine on Earth thousands of years ago that could provide them with energy by destroying the Sun. They need a special Autobot key to make it work and it's basically a race between the good guys and the bad guys to see who gets to the machine and the key first. There are other twists and turns in the rest of Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, but since Michael Bay just uses it all as pretexts for explosions, I don't think I need to get into it.
This is not just the worst movie I've seen. It goes beyond that. This is the worst piece of entertainment of any kind that I've ever experienced. It make Vanilla Ice sound like Mozart. It makes Ed Wood look like John Ford. It makes The Diary of Desmond Pfeffer feel like Seinfeld. This thing is such an assault of noise and blur and idiocy that I became physically uncomfortable watching it. Imagine the worst moment in the worst Michael Bay movie you've ever seen. Now imagine something twice as bad and repeated at least 100 times. That's what Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen is like.
Even in the totality of its terribleness, there are certain elements of this movie that are particularly foul and insulting. There is a lot of profanity in it, much more and much harsher than you expect in this type of summer blockbuster, making it really inappropriate for younger children. It also takes the most basic concepts of space and time and chucks them out the window. There are several instances where I would defy anyone to explain how the characters get from point A to point B. The movie also casts President Obama as some sort of simpering weakling, which apparently indicates that Michael Bay is a Dittohead.
Let me conclude this review by stating that you should believe every criticism anyone makes about this movie. If anyone tells you Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen is good, you should punch that person in the stomach and run away. The only human being who could get any satisfaction out of watching this film is Mike Judge. That's because the existence of this movie and its success at the box office proves just how prophetic Idiocracy really was.