Big on visual effects but little on everything else

Rating: 3/10 (10 November 2009)

If there was ever an award given to the clunkiest mess of a movie ever made, Michael Bay's "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" would probably be at the top of that list.
Seriously, I have never experienced something so mind numbing in my life, and I've seen some real crap movies in my time. The problem with RotF, besides many unnecessary and often crude jokes that weren't even funny, mostly has to do with the pacing of the story. I guess there was a story in there, but trying to find one amongst the slow motion explosions and clanking metal is like trying to find a piece of hay in a stack of needles.
The pacing was so off it was nauseating trying to keep up with anything. The battles, which I will add were pretty intense, just seemed to happen all at once with little or no build-up, and were further marred by multiple camera changes which added to the nausea factor. Half of the time, I couldn't tell what was going or who was fighting who.
And then there was this love story the writers shoe horned in to try and make us care for the characters, but that only hurt the pacing more. Coupled with the sub-par acting from the cast and even worse dialogue, I couldn't find myself giving two shits about anyone. I was half hoping the Decepticons would have won and end this sorry mess of a movie.
I really won't go into how a couple of stereotype based characters were really annoying and bogged the movie down even more than it already was, and how just about any female character in this thing were really just brought in as eye candy in an attempt to distract us from this train wreck of a movie. Seriously, I like T&A as much as the next guy, but geez, dude. This is ridiculous.
Also, seriously, did we really need not one, but two, instances of dog humping? I could have gone without them completely. They added absolutely nothing to the movie. And neither did the (unfunny) joke about Transformer testicles. Sometimes I really have to wonder about you, Mr. Bay.
Although there are a couple of bright spots to be found within this mess. The visual effects, for one, were really well done. Every time I saw Optimus Prime transform I was like "Cool!". Soundwave being in this one was really good, too, although I really wish he was in the first movie (which I actually somewhat kinda enjoyed). But cool visual effects, Optimus Prime transforming, and Soundwave just weren't enough to save this one.
I will say with the utmost of honesty that I tried to enjoy this one. Really, I did. But there was just too much going on that I couldn't get into the movie.
Thumbs down.