Transformers: An Exercise in Running

Rating: 4/10 (13 April 2015)

If you like to see things get destroyed, boy, is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a real treat for you! If you like flashy special effects, you will love this. Transformers is so busy showing you just how cool robots waging war on each other can be, it forgot to actually make sense. When Sam's parents show up in the desert, I felt like I got a little taste of the brownie Mrs. Wintwicky sampled at college, which took more than its fair share of screen time. I came here to watch robots, not 18 year olds getting overly excited about campus life. Though in the movie's defense, it did have the movie's greatest pay-off, so just bear with its seeming idiocy.
The whole movie felt like an elaborate, destructive dream sequence. Good if you literally have nothing else to do. Bad if you want your brain to function. Here's how to check if your logic skills haven't been blown to pieces... what is strange about Mikaela when she's doing all that running in the desert? Hint: All that dust. All that dirt. All those explosions. Mikaela (or rather her wardrobe) gets an A+ for consistently clean white jeans. I'm so jealous. Someone better let the rest of the cast in on the secret, because they're running around in less than pristine condition. (I felt especially bad for Mrs. Wintwicky, which brings me to yet another question... What is she doing in the desert? Huh? Did I miss something?) So great apparently is the magic of Megan Fox. Or maybe screaming Leo just didn't deserve to look clean. That's what you get for panicking during the entire movie, Leo.
Speaking of running, who knew having alien robots that can transform into cars required so much legwork? Maybe Michael Bay's casting choices were based on a single question, "Can you run? Show me how you run." When they aren't running, they're hiding. All the while, if you haven't shut your brain off, you will be asking the pivotal question, why? Rest assured, because you do not need answers for in the end, the power of leadership, courage, destiny, and all that wishy-washy feel good stuff trump everything else, including death. If you end the movie eye-rolling, congratulations. They are a sign of your brain trying to reboot itself from the nightmare. It's a good sign. It's okay. You survived.