Exceeds the limits of human imagination...

Rating: 1/10 (5 July 2009)

...in a very bad way. It would have been nice to see a movie about robots that transform into vehicles, and how they interact with the inhabitants of planet Earth. Instead, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is about how much contempt a major motion picture studio can have for the audience and still set box office records.
Remember all those IBM commercials from several years back that showed what computers would do for us in the future? You know, like being able to make stock trades from the heads-up display in your sunglasses while disturbing pigeons in an Italian square, or stuffing meat in your pants at the grocery store and having it automatically scanned by RFID on your way out? Well, what they didn't tell you was that massive amounts of computing power would one day be used to put every conceivable shape, color, and texture on the big screen in rapid motion all at once in a mind-numbing display of sensory overload.
Like the first Transformers movie, the robots do very little as vehicles except drive from place to place, so there are many wasted opportunities for creative destruction or battles. And the robots' exteriors are so insanely complicated that they barely seem humanoid - it is next to impossible to discern a face, let alone the facial expressions necessary to inspire any sort of empathy.
A child playing with a couple of Transformers from Hasbro would likely be more creative than the director of this movie, because a child would explore the possibilities within the limitations of the toys' capabilities. Apparently, with Michael Bay's practically unlimited budget, there is no boundary reference within which he can gauge the entertainment value of any conceivable scene, no matter how insipid.
I'm not sure which is worse: the ethnic caricatures so ham-handedly embedded in so many of the robots or the creepy overuse of the "robotic tentacles can come from anywhere, go anywhere, and do anything" conceit.
Oh yeah, I know what's worse: the "introduce a new character to take the rapid-fire Gilmore Girls-style dialogue up another notch on the annoying meter" trick. Early in the movie, it was frustratingly difficult to understand much of what was being said, as it was constantly being covered up by robotic footsteps or hydraulic sounds. Then I realized that was a good thing.
I propose a new category of cinematic recognition called "The Academy Dewards", in which past accolades are systematically and publicly rescinded from anyone associated in a material way with films as bad as "Transformers 2". For example, anywhere Steven Spielberg is making an appearance to be commended or honored for directing "Schindler's List" or "Saving Private Ryan", someone should run out to the podium, forcibly remove the award from his hands, and remind everyone that he is the "S" in Dreamworks SKG, which released "T:RotF".
I've been wrong before (many times in fact), but I think that this movie is so bad it will generate enough ill will to sidetrack the careers of everyone in it (except for John Turturro - his role as Phantom in "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" makes him an untouchable Hollywood legend). I already removed Shia LaBeouf from my "show this guy some respect by learning how to pronounce his name" list.
The irony is that, for all the apparent effort that went into this film, there is a startling lack of imagination in all of the action sequences. It would have been much more impressive if Michael Bay had conformed the robots' general behavior, size, and shape to to the attributes of their vehicle alter egos, and had them interact with each other and humans as vehicles more. Instead, he threw in everything and the kitchen sink, in both the effects and the dialogue, and the result is a huge mess.
Finally, I know this movie doesn't really take itself seriously, even though it clearly took a lot of money and computing power to produce. But still, there is a limit to the strain on credulity: asking me to believe that it is difficult to say "I love you" to Megan Fox is just too much.
I hope I won't have to revise this statement for a while, and it is the first time I've made it in many reviews: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is the worst film I've ever seen.
P.S. Did I mention there's an SR-71 Blackbird that talks and acts like a Pirate of the Caribbean?