Their "Revenge" is Our Punishment

Rating: 3/10 (1 July 2009)

Here is a film that knows not what the words "excess", "story" or "entertainment" mean. There are precious few moments that might be considered amusing to the average film-goer, a person who deserves much more than what is displayed here.
The ultimate defense by the fans of this film is "But it's a Transformers movie? What did you expect?".
As a huge fan of the first film,I'll tell you what I expected; I expected a plot, I expected characters to care about, I expected humor and action sequences that don't make my eyes and ears bleed. Lastly, I expected to be ENTERTAINED.
The human characters in this film don't act so much as they yell things and plot points. You'll hear a lot of "Watch out" or "Look over there!" or "Run!", but none of that makes for interesting character development. Not one single actor has a believable performance; it's always obvious that they're just shouting out horrendous dialogue from the script (with everyone's favorite Toe-thumbed hot chick Megan Fox being the worst offender). And the "humor" in this film is completely juvenile and unfunny. It's to the point where the Friedberg and Seltzer take on this script might actually prove a funnier, more tolerable movie.
Don't get me started on the plot. Literally nothing makes any sort of sense in this film. How do toaster robots suddenly have built in guns- were they made like that already, just in case an Allspark shard would just so happen to make them come to life? Why does Shia have a cast on his hand off and on throughout the climax of the film? *Spoiler Alert* Why isn't the Allspark shard used to help Optimus Prime when it can resurrect Megatron in an instant? Why do robots disappear throughout the film only to reappear when *GASP* Sam is in danger of getting crushed by a Decepticon? I'm not even going to touch the whole thing about "The Matrix".
Yes, there are robots fighting, but good luck trying to decipher who's who. All you get to see is metal-on-metal- it's the equivalent of watching scrap parts from the dump having an orgy, and it's about as pleasing to the eyes and ears as such.
Where's the heart from the first film? That movie was just as dumb and poorly written as this one, but we CARED for the people in the 1st film. We wanted to see Optimus kick but and Shia get his girl. Here, all we have are a bunch of unnecessary humanoids palling around with idiotic robots in horrible set pieces that feature explosions whenever a Transformer looks at a building funny.
If that's what you want from a film, go right ahead. I'm just saying that we should expect more from dumb-ass big-budget blockbusters.