Beginning. Middle. End. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it.

Rating: 6/10 (11 August 2009)

If only the writers of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had followed the advice of their own dialogue, I might not have had to go to the bathroom in the middle of their silly movie. The sad thing was however, but for a few memorable scenes, I didn't miss anything in the movie during my leisurely walk to return the fluids I had borrowed to the theater receptacles.
Okay, it wasn't a complete waste of time of a movie. There were glimmering moments of fun dialogue and the ensemble cast had their strengths: Shia LaBeouf delivered his lines in his charming stumbling manner, Megan Fox's lines were few, Josh Duhamel and his soldiers were awesomely flexing the might of military know-how, and John Turturro saved the movie like Superman with his monologuing and fire direction.
But what happened to the stars of this movie? The freakin' Transformers! Sure there were more of them that did more stuff, like ones that turned into a big ol' bulldog that chewed dirt, or an old one that walked with a cane, or even a little remote controlled truck that humped legs, but most every new interesting Transformer ended up being an outrageous gimmick. Hadn't the writers been warned of what happens when you get too gimmicky with cgi creatures? Hasn't anyone taught them the lessons of Lucas and Jar-Jar Binks? Unfortunately no. And what about the titular villain, The Fallen? How about the Fallen and couldn't get up. Megatron was more sinister and dangerous in the first movie as a frozen NBE-1. Then, we come to poor long-suffering Optimus Prime. Was it wise of me to yell... ahem... "Go Go Power Rangers!" in the theater at the end? Maybe not.
All of this, however, would have been fine if the movie's plot was stronger. Instead it meandered and tried far too hard, pushing perfectly good characters beyond their limits instead of relaxing a little bit and letting scenes play out without going overboard. The writers seemed to fall into the trap of sequels, getting cutesy and adding length to the film instead of substance. More, bigger, brighter, but definitely not better.
There are some beautiful portions of the movie that do make it worth watching and prevent it from going over fully to 'wait for HBO' ranking: the grueling battle in the desert with soldiers and orange flares, Bumblebee kicking butt, a good score, and John Turturro are among the few. But it is not enough to give it better than a 6/10 and a 'Wait for Video' Rating.