Revenge of Michael Bay on everyone who enjoyed the first one!

Rating: 3/10 (25 June 2009)

What can I say?
I honestly don't know. Did I like the first one? Well I guess. Although I must admit that I took great joy in one reviewer's description of the Transformers as scrap metal tumbleweeds. This movie, though, takes everything that was bad about the first one and multiplies it by about 1,000,000 and takes all the things that were good about the first one and sort of gets rid of them.
The plot? Well, from what I picked up, it involves digging a machine out of a pyramid and destroying the sun with it, which will somehow make a new energy source for the evil robots. That's basically what this movie leads up to, but that really wouldn't be at the top of your mind while watching the half hour long robot battle at the end. I mean, hell, the battle in The Matrix Revolution had about 240,000 more robots, but you can still tell what's going on a hell of a lot better than you can here. There's a bulldozer, Bumblebee kills it. There's this mechanical wolf thing, someone kills it. Scorponok (from the first movie) comes back for like, 30 seconds, someone kills it. Repeat. Several times. It just drags on and on and on.
There were a few good things though. That SR-71 is actually pretty entertaining, even if he did somehow teleport himself from D.C. to Arizona by beating out some doors. Another thing, there's actually a point to casting Hugo Weaving as Megatron this time, because you can actually tell that it's him. In fact, the voices of all the Transformers sound a lot better.
But, there's more than enough bad to balance it out. There are so many more Transformers here, and all of them are as faceless and nameless as your average Stormtrooper. There's these bikes, who where supposed to be in the first movie, and they get about two minutes of screen time. Why are they here? And how many people above the age of thirteen find two male dogs humping each other, multiple times, funny? And you just got to love the line: "I'm under the enemy's...scrotum." Yeah. Hi. Larious. My favorite stupid part in the movie is when Magatron jumps out of the ocean, then, in the next cut, it shows him flying passed Saturn.
There's also these two twin things, one voiced by Tom Kenny, who have a sort of a hit and miss kind of stereotype humor. And they're always around. Are we supposed to care about them? Are we supposed to feel sad when one gets eaten? Are we supposed to feel happy when it reveals that he actually doesn't? These guys are the Jar Jar Binks of this movie! And I actually don't mind Jar Jar Binks all that much! I admit that I had a good laugh when one of them said: "'Cuz you a pussy!" to a puny human. Don't ask me why.
If you really, really, really liked the first movie, go ahead and see this. If not? Stay away. Rent it, if you must, but save the majority of your money. And people thought Wolverine was a dumb movie.
Oh, and Michael Bay? Thanks a lot for that nice shot of Jon Turturro's ass. I will never forget it. Ever.