It's great.. if you're drunk

Rating: Null/10 (24 August 2011)

It can be a little difficult getting folks to watch movies with me. For you, dear precious readers, I see just about anything. Apparently everybody else, on their high horses, has taste. But a little alcohol soothes the hate and gets someone to endure with you. I present to you the Transformers 3 Drinking Game!
Take a sip when:
-Anything transforms.
-Anything blows up.
-You feel like getting up and walking out.
Take a nice big gulp when:
-You get the "Shia Stutter" – "No no no no no no", "Get down get down get down"
-Shia screams "OPTIMUS!!!!!"
-Something happens in prolooooooonged slow motion.
-BOOOOOOOBS! or anything attempting to be sexy.
-You have no idea who is a good robot and who is naughty.
-A common household object transforms in to a robot and we're supposed to be surprised.
-You laugh. You're not drunk enough.
Chug your drink when:
-You see That Guy. Look for the wingsuit clip for your cue! That guy is finding his own ride home.
-Megan Fox's disappearance is brushed off with a cheap line.
-You get a mouth-gaping-open reaction shot. Don't confuse this with Rosie Huntington Whiteley's normal face.
-You lose all respect for John Malkovich and Frances McDormand
-Autobots win, Decepticons lose!
I'll admit, I was suckered in to being a little bit entertained by the first hour or so of the movie. I did enjoy my first Shia outing with Disturbia – he plays a good spaz – but beyond that, I have not really enjoyed any of his acting. Maybe it was the 2 years I had to recover from the last movie, or perhaps the 5 Myer's and Cokes lubed my brain enough to enjoy the idiotic dialog and non-stop dialog. Where'd all the action go?
The first half of the movie actually is decent storytelling. We get some historic background, some nice big shots of space and the crashed moon-ship, and some character development. It almost made me care about the world-wide destruction, but not quite. Once you get past the major plot points, it's really no different than any other of the movies – far too many characters, not enough creativity in the fight scenes (see: You have no idea who is a good robot and who is naughty), and too much Shia by that point.
Word on the street be that this is the BEST EVARRR! of the Transformers movies. While it certainly felt like there was more of everything, it doesn't vary from any of the original plots or action sequences. New location, few new faces and gimmicks, but in the end it's just big robots fighting. If you liked the first two, BINGO! (or is that BEANO!), but if you hated them don't expect a sudden change of mind.
It seems silly complaining about Transformers. After all, the entire thing was created to sell toys, comics, and video games to kids. However, if I'm going to a watch a 2 and-a-half hour commercial, I shouldn't have to pay $17.50 for some flimsy glasses and a mind-numbing CGI-fest.