Not one iota better than Revenge Of The Fallen.

Rating: 4/10 (29 June 2011)

No, it isn't the re-release of one of Pink Floyd's greatest albums, it's Dark Of The Moon, the third explosion-packed instalment of Michael Bay's Transformers trilogy. The first film was average at best, and the sequel would have been the worst film of 2009 if not for the hopelessly unengaging Terminator: Salvation. Unfortunately, Dark Of The Moon fares no better than its predecessors, not to say that I had high expectations in the first place.
Shia LaBeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, the anonymous hero of the human race and co-leader of the Autobots. For the most part, peace has been restored with the Autobots now working as covert operatives solving international conflict for the U.S government. But when a decades-long secret hidden on the moon becomes known, the Decepticons return to wage war against their ancient enemy and relocate their home planet of Cybertron to Earth.
Scorsese, Tarantino, Aronofsky, Spielbergall major directors of the modern age have gotten to be just that big on the back of reputation, and a toolbox of film techniques that they use to leave their mark on every project. Michael Bay could also be included among these filmmakers, but for all the wrong reasons. His films are typified by shallow characters, gratuitous explosions and a script that feels like it was written the night before the film's first screening. All of these traits are on full display in this film, and are just one part of why this movie is so disappointing.
At a little over two and a half hours, this is the longest film of the trilogy, and doesn't it feel that way. The entire film plods along with unnecessary opening scenes and a mind-numbing final set piece. The whole First Act, and most of the Second, is centred on Sam and new girlfriend Carly's personal life, dealing with his failed efforts to get a job, and growing paranoia stemming from Carly's friendship with her boss. You would expect these useless scenes to result in a rushed conclusion, if not for the fact that the climax is also painfully drawn out. This might sound primitive, but I can only watch robots fighting each other for so long before it gets repetitive and I begin to lose interest in exactly who's fighting who, and why.
But not all the blame rests with Bay. Writer Ehren Kruger delivers an uninspired script packed with action-hero clichés and one-liners that are just plain lame. If you want to give the goodies the odd 'tough-guy' line then do so, but don't have a two-on-two battle won by the Autobots end with 'class dismissed'. I don't expect Oscar-winning writing from these kinds of films, just enough creativity to keep it from feeling stale before even the film's halfway point is reached.
Dark Of The Moon also suffers from obvious follies, recognisable by even the most casual film-goer. Why does a robot need a headscarf? How does a robot grow hair? Why do two robots that have barely ventured outside the NASA headquarters have thick Scottish accents? And on at least two occasions, the protagonists hide behind a wall and go unseen by the baddies, when in actuality a five year-old could find them in a game of hide and seek. Things like this just scream of an overall lack of effort in allowing audiences to suspend their disbelief.
It's easy to say that Michael Bay and Paramount Pictures had the last laugh, since I left the cinema in disappointment having already parted with my money. Truth is, if another Transformers is made, I will see it if for no other reason than to expand my mental library. The mere fact that this film is cohesive enough for people to understand what in the world is going on is all that keeps it from falling into the chasm of films that should never be exposed to human eyes. But this is little consolation for an all-round failure in filmmaking.
I'm yet to check if any part of the soundtrack syncs up eerily with The Wizard Of Oz. Stay tuned.
*There's nothing I love more than a bit of feedback, good or bad. So drop me a line on jnatsis@iprimus.com.au and let me know what you thought of my review.*