Possibly the worst film I have ever seen

Rating: 2/10 (11 July 2011)

****May contain spoilers for this awful movie****
Concise review: Rubbish, even worse than Avatar. Spend your money on something else.
Extended review: Despite having heard nothing good about this film, I was quite excited about going to see it. Transformers was pretty good, Transformers 2 was pretty bad, but I hoped that Michael Bay would at least make something approaching an effort with the third instalment of this money-spinning franchise.
Right...here goes...
Plot: there actually is one, and if you pay attention during the first soul-destroying hour then you can try to follow it, although by the end of the film you will realise that such plot as there is completely fails to make any logical sense. In a nutshell, Sentinel Prime (an Autobot) was escaping from Cybertron with some new technology, but the Decepticons shot up his ship and he drifted through space until he crashed into the moon. Later it transpires that Sentinel had made a pact with Megatron to work together, so why then was his ship being attacked at all?? Some nonsense about the space programme is chucked in to confuse and add idiocy.
Characters: Sam Witwitless returns as the slightly unconvincing wet who has amazingly attracted a model as his new ho. He continues to be annoying at every turn. His wench (I cannot even remember her name) is paper thin with no personality. The CGI characters are, as one would expect, almost completely lacking depth, aside from the fact that I went to see this film in 3d. Sam's parents return briefly for no obvious reason to reprise their roles and earn a few quid. There are some other characters but nobody who stands out in any way. Towards the end it is very difficult to distinguish between individual transformers as they start to all look the same.
Acting: Shia Lebeef manages to struggle unconvincingly throughout the film, although excels himself when being "terrified". Rosie Huntingdon-Poshbird doesn't act at all, simply because she clearly cannot. The long, lingering shots of her bum and legs at the beginning of the film clearly indicate why she was chosen - in fairness, she is quite tasty for a skinny bird, although after the first 30 minutes of the film her permanent pouty-lipped look makes you want to put a paper bag over her face, or at least a photo of Megan Fox. Mr Spok (Leonard Nimoy) is an interesting choice for the voice of Sentinel Prime. Overall the standard of acting is somewhat low, as one would expect.
Effects: There are lots of amazing CGI effects and stuff but personally I would have preferred 50% of the CGI budget to have been spent on the screenplay.
Soundtrack: Lots of overly cheesy music utterly spoils what atmosphere was present. Way too loud, too.
Length: At 2.5 hours long, this film is a killer. The first hour contained nothing of note and could have been put in the bin. At 90 minutes the film could have been slightly watchable.
One last thing: I would really like my money back. This film is on a par with National Lampoon's Men In White.