For Ages 0-3

Rating: 1/10 (13 October 2011)

As preposterous, unfunny, immature and horrifyingly bad, believe it or not, Transformers: Dark of the Moon was the best of the three movies. But, that's like saying it's better to be deaf than blind.
Aside from the blatant swearing, this movie should've come with the warning: Not for those over three years of age. I mean, the cuss words were so obviously put in to give this juvenile film "an edge" as was Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's flaunting of her body for the young teen boys.
I'm no prude – in reference to the profanity, but just to add it to make the laughable cardboard characters "tough" is just plain stupid. And weak.
I'm aware this is a part III of an already established dumbed-down action/Sci-Fi series based on toys, but there's a point of leaving your brain-at-the-door that goes too far. The point for me, aside from the ridiculous mismatching of this "story" and stock footage of President Kennedy, was about 20 minutes (of 157) when idiot Shia, er, I mean, Sam played with his obnoxious little Transformer pets.
The positives for this feature was the fact they toned down the lengthy and complex story finally and made it a lot easier to tell which robot was which – they added color to the Autobots. Neither of these attributes elevated this above 1 star out of 5. It was just a speck of a gift for all we had to endure to get to the end of the film.
Quick story brief: previously outed-alien metal race Autobots is helping humans thinking the bad aliens, the Decepticons, are out of commission. Well, obviously, they're not and both parties are trying to regain planet-destroying materials from their defunct planet. Oh, and Decepticons want to use humans as slaves, à la Borg/Matrix.
Really, the point of the movie is for us to sit through painful dialogue, pitiful acting, awful jokes and minimal action sequences to get to the inevitable crushing of Chicago in the last 40 or so minutes. Matrix Revolutions, anyone? In both Matrix 3 and Transformers 3's over-long final battle scenes, I was literally left bored despite all the efforts they put in for "heart" and special effects. Numerous times, I just looked away from my screen and played a game on my phone.
Even when Leonard Nimoy ("Sentinel Prime") barked his signature Spock line, I had already checked out and could care less when he said it. I seriously can't recommend this to anyone. Again, I would for the under three crowd of toddlers if not for all the deliberate vulgarity.
I guess I could end on a positive note. I did laugh hard a couple of times. Both scenes involved Sam being thrown in the air sloooo-mo while his yellow friend Bee went to catch him. That was (unintentionally) hilarious!