One word away from being a Pink Floyd album...

Rating: 6/10 (30 June 2011)

You know how you see a movie and enjoy it, then they go and make needless sequels to it? That's how the Transformers franchise has been. The original was surprisingly good. It had a nice balance of comedy, action and actual *story*. The sequel - like with most sequels - was just a bigger (but not better) version of the original. It was over-long and ultimately rather pointless...but at least I somewhat enjoyed that one. As not-great as the last film was, it's still better than this new one. Why? Well, for starters, Dark of the Moon is just more of the same. If you've seen the first two films (or even just the first film), then you'll have basically seen it all. There's nothing new to be found here. There's a whole lot of CGI robots fighting and explosions...and a whole lot of nothing else. The few actual good aspects that the last film had going for it aren't to be found anywhere here.
The cast is more or less a waste. Shia LaBeouf, who I'd previously found likable as Sam Witwicky, is rather annoying this time around. He's his usual fast-talking self, but it appears that he's of the mind "When it doubt...yell a lot and it'll be REALLY FUNNY!"...except it's not. Lots of the attempts at 'humour' in this film fall well and truly flat, which is a shame given that the first movie had an actual good dose of humour to it. Those who aren't fans of Megan Fox may well come to appreciate her presence in the previous two films, as this time she's been replaced by Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. If you thought Fox was bad, Huntington-Whiteley makes her look Oscar-worthy in comparison. We only get two throw-away lines about Fox's character Mikaela from the previous films, but at least we learn she dumped Sam (which makes sense) and not the other way around. This new Carly person that Sam is with does nothing but stand there with her distracting lips and show off her legs. Seriously, her legs deserve more credit than the rest of her, as they are showcased at every chance. Our introduction to her character? The requisite bum shot, of course. Say what you will about Megan Fox, but I always thought she and Shia LaBeouf at least made a good team. I couldn't care less about Carly and the fact that Dylan (Patrick Dempsey - who's gone from McDreamy in Grey's Anatomy to McSleazy in this) attempts to steal her away from Sam. As the human villain of the piece, Dempsey is pretty average. We didn't even get the satisfaction of a clear demise for his character in the end.
Josh Duhamel as Lennox and John Turturro as Simmons both return but don't really have a lot to do. Having even less of a point are new characters such as John Malkovich's weirdo boss at the new place Sam works, and Frances McDormand as Mearing - filling Turturro's role from the first film as someone for Sam to spar with. These two new people really don't add a whole lot and appear to be made 'quirky' just for the sake of it. And if you thought Sam's parents were annoying, wait until you meet Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong) - who I didn't understand the point of nor what he was on about half the time. About the only new character I did think was half decent was Dutch, played by Firefly's Alan Tudyk. He's quite memorable.
As to the 'stars' of the film - the Autobots and Decepticons...well, what can really be said? They transform and kick each other's butts a lot. Sadly, we lose Ironhide partway through and yet no one seems to really care/acknowledge it, which sucks (as he, Optimus and Bumblebee were the only Transformers we ever really got a chance to know). Though the Decepticons don't fare any better. Megatron, Starscream and everybody else apparently meet their makers (which is better than them getting away yet again, I guess). New good-bot-turned-bad, Sentinel Prime, is rather average despite Leonard Nimoy voicing him. Still, he's better than the extremely irritating Autobots called Wheelie and (ironically) Brains.
After endless fights and explosions, there's still the 'end' to have to sit through, which seems to go on FOREVER. Just when you think it's over, it keeps going. And it's not even that memorable. At least the last film had Devastator. What's this one have? Some big giant robotic worm thing that wraps itself around buildings crushing them, apparently. Though some humans do get zapped to bits, so there's that. And at least Sam doesn't go to Transformer Heaven in this one. However, you're left pondering "How can robots have hair??". One thing I *did* like was near the end, when Megatron is trying to weasel his way out of having Optimus kick his arse but Optimus is having none of it and proceeds to get Megatron back for what he did to him in the last film.
You know it's not good when you're waiting for a film to end and it just doesn't want to. When the credits finally do come up, it's a massive relief. In the end, this film - like a lot of sequels - is pretty pointless. Michael Bay does what he does best - directs mindless chaotic action, and if you like that sort of thing then you'll probably enjoy this. But if you're expecting something great, or even really good...then prepare to be disappointed. It's like when you see a really good film, then see a lacklustre first sequel to it and think "The next one can't possibly be worse...right?", but then it *is*. I'm just glad I didn't see this thing in 3D, as it would have caused twice the headache and eye pain as the regular 2D version that I saw did.