A dark plot ruined by silliness, corny touches, pointless franchise characters and everything done OTT just because they can afford it

Rating: Null/10 (23 October 2011)

What is there left to say about this endless franchise? I guess that the summer season will always produce overblown effects movies that make for easy crown-pleasing noise – it may as well be the devil we know rather than one we don't. This third film opens with a surprisingly engaging rewriting of history to place the Transformers at the heart of historical events from the middle of the last century. This is the preamble to a story that sees the city of Chicago in ruins, people vaporised in front of the camera and a plan to enslave humanity to rebuild the lost world of Cybertron. I'm not suggesting it is Shakespeare but for sure the plot on the face of it offers at least something of interest.
Sadly within seconds of his opening, we are introduced back into the same nonsense that makes these films so difficulty to enjoy. The silliness of the dumb "comedy" that they try to introduce, the overly wordy plot exposition (these films normally assume that most of the audience are too dumb to follow without it all being explained via one character explaining things to the other) and just the sheer unnecessary overblown nature of everything that does hurt the film badly. The plot is hurt by it because it is not given room to breathe, while we see plenty of devastation, we are never allowed (or even encouraged) to feel anything about any of it. I'm of the opinion that interesting sci-fi can still be full of action – but this film seems to be in an either/or camp because it is all about the spectacle here.
Once we do get rolling with that though, it is hard to deny that the film is technically very impressive. The effects are great and the sheer scale of it as a film is impressive – Bay has an ego for sure, but given the cost and the complexity of the projects he pulls of, one can understand why. And make no mistake he has done what he set out to do with this film – it is just that personally it is not enough for me to simply have effects thrown in my face. If only some of the effects shot money could have been put towards the script then maybe we could have had decent characters, or comedy that is funny, or a tone that actually draws the audience in. Sadly we get none of these things, all we get is a constant audio/visual assault that is good for that, but that alone. The action does impress even if it doesn't engage and, as much as it is an overused device, I did appreciate the slow-motion simply so I had a fighting chance of seeing who was hitting whom etc.
The script is responsible for the silly dumb comedy (Sam's job interviews?) and also the unnecessary characters that are now just cluttering up the screen. So Sam returns which is understandable, it is hard to jettison your main human character, but he is a poor character – an unlikeable little oik portrayed with the usual lack of charisma and presence by LaBeouf. As we all know Huntington-Whiteley replaces Fox and her part in the film is made clear from her first shot (it is of her legs and ass). This is all she is and, while easy on the eye she is stiff and unnatural throughout the film, feeling like little more than a doll. While she is poor, she is not as annoying as the many returning characters who simply add nothing but brand-familiarity; it also hurts that several of them are played by very good actors. Turturro is an embarrassment – nothing else to say. Gibson and Duhamel are both good at the "running with guns" thing but their presence as characters is daft and again hurts the narrative. Dempsey is a decent turn while McDormand at least has the decency to look like she's there for the money and do as little as possible. Dunn and White return as his parents – someone thinks their characters are funny and worth bringing back to do the same old stuff over and over, they are wrong. John Malkovich does a stupid and unnecessary character that achieves nothing but earn him money and lose him respect. But this isn't an actor's film is it? It is about the action Overall Transformers 3 is just what you expect it to be. Not quite as bad as the second film but it has all the strengths you expect (technically expensive) and all of the weaknesses too (almost everything else). It is an "event" movie so the normal rules don't apply, but I liked the plot and I liked the effects – a bit of work on the script, dropping loads of characters, dropping sappy rock ballads and maybe letting the camera stay in one place for longer than 2 seconds and MAYBE this could also have been an enjoyable film rather than a technically impressive battering. It is empty and lacking atmosphere, heart and intelligence while it rushes to throw as much action and money onto the screen as possible – whether the audience care about what they are seeing or not.