Walked Away Impressed...Mostly

Rating: Null/10 (12 July 2011)

Michael Bay and Transformers 3 Writers: Take Notes.
Story: Apollo 11 really went up to investigate an Autobot ship that crashed into the moon. The whole thing was covered up, happy day. OK, here begins my first beef with the film. Just how many things 'happen' to crash on/near Earth? A giant cube, OK. Ancient transformers planting a device to harvest energy from the sun...stretching it. Now a huge bloody ship crashing into the moon carrying the means to teleport a whole planet...no.
Moving on...Shia LaBeouf...you were a perfectly reasonable relatable tie to humanity in a otherwise machine-dominated movie, but Michael you must understand: your movie is called Transformers. This is what viewers like myself are paying to see...and you have no business naming it as such if your focal point...and the only point you seemed to care about in this film, is how much Sam Witwicky needs a job. And while we're on the subject of old Sam, Mike. Why, oh why if you had such a hard-on not to have Megan Fox in this film, did you replace her with the stale, botox injected, simply god-awful piece of wanna-be-eye-candy that appeals to 40 year-old virgins still clinging to a hope of getting with Cameron Diaz, that is Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Thankfully, you had the good sense to only refer to the plausible reason Megan Fox was not in the movie with only a millisecond of dialogue, but it was a millisecond of BS. I mean, come on. They discovered an alien race together, helped save humanity not once but twice. I think a marriage would at least be in order here. OK, I'm done ranting on why Megan should have REALLY been in this movie. Other characters featured included Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson as the awesome NEST team commanders, the latter retired. Regardless, they are still bad ass in this film, and I was greatly pleased to see them returned. However with the parents...I had issues with their inclusion. It felt...the best word would be off. It's as though, Mike, you 'forced' them into the movie, whereas in the other two movies it seemed plausible and natural. Now on the Transformers side of the equation I was giddy...yes I said giddy...that you at least included Shockwave in the film. This was a good call in the writing department. And Leonard Nimoy as Sentinel Prime, he's been doing voices for years since the days of Spock so it fit very well.
Now for the REAL thorns in my side. I feel betrayed. No, let me rephrase that, I believe this film has betrayed three characters. Optimus Prime, Megatron, and Sam Witwicky. First with the least important (sorry, die hards): Sam. At one point in the film, Sam is 'forced' under threat of girlfriend death (oh what a tragic loss that would be) to gather intelligence on Optimus' plans after Sentinel goes ass-kickery on the NEST team. Now in the first two movies, you have essentially created Sam as a morally 'good' archetype, ethically doing the right thing even under the threat of losing his own life. I mean, he risked life and limb (including his girlfriend-at-the time, played by Megan) to save Optimus Prime, so why, oh why, idiot writers did you suddenly decide that Sam should be morally ambiguous and put him in a situation where he ACTUALLY complies with the demands and betrays Optimus? Next Megatron. At one point in the film Rosie actually has the gall to stride right up to Megatron (taking a chill pill in an alley with all hell breaking loose all-around, might I add) and convinces him that Sentinel is going to betray him. OK, #1- What is Megatron doing lazing about in an alley? #2- Why is he listening to a 'pitiful human insect' and #3- Let's say Megatron believes her, why would he let said insect live afterwards? And 4, finally oh #4- Megatron ACTUALLY swoops in to save Optimus Prime, his sworn enemy and Nemesis, from the maniacal Sentinel Prime...like a misunderstood bad guy. Face it kids, if you knew anything about Transformers lore past and present, you know Megatron is NOT misunderstood. He is as good an archetype of evil and badness if there ever was one. So him coming in to save Optimus is a betrayal of the character. Now finally, Optimus, poor Optimus, you were forced to make many errors for the sake of terrible writing. #1- You LIED. You LIED to your friend Sam. You let him believe, and even ordered Bumblebee to let him believe you were going to leave humanity to its fate. You are the symbol of all that is good and just. A soldier, at heart, but still a decent being of...metal. You...do...NOT...LIE. #2- At the end, Megatron saves your life by defeating Sentinel and leaving him prostrate and crippled before you. How do you return the act of good Megatron for some weird reason conveyed? You kill him, and then you kill a Sentinel Prime that is begging for mercy before you. You have turned Optimus...you have turned to the dark side.
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint, the series has been stopped dead and I would seriously be mortified if they tried to force a number four out of the franchise, with all of the big character deaths and horrid story changes, this series may have to slumber for 20-30 years before resurrection. Peter Cullen, I know you'll be 90 to 100 by that point, but I do sincerely hope you may be able to help us out once more when we're in need of Transformers awesomeness and the overpaid writers in Hollywood are sent into exile over what they've done here...