I think my brain developed a tumour watching this...

Rating: Null/10 (13 October 2011)

At least, that's the only reason I can think of for it pounding so hard. And no, I didn't even watch the 3D version.
So here we go again, another edition of Bay-watch. In this episode we'll discover that Michael Bay is still suffering from terminal 5 year-old syndrome and is unable to do anything that might remotely interest an adult audience.
I could wax lyrical about film-making, the effects, the acting etc. But all that would do is give Bay some credibility and admit that he actually produced a movie, instead of the headache inducing, brain-inflaming mess that I just watched.
So instead, whilst it's still horribly, and garishly, fresh in my mind, I'll spell out the things I observed from this hideous assault on the senses.
1. When Bumblebee is a car, he is spotless. Not a scratch on him. But when he is a robot he is battered and scratched (even the car parts). Good continuity there...not!
2. Rosie Doodad Whats-her-name cannot act and has lips that were so over-pumped I thought Bay was going to have them explode, too.
3. Building design has reached the stage where it is almost impossible to destroy a skyscraper, no matter how much abuse you subject it to.
4. Let's give our alien robots human-like traits and personalities, right down to ethnic accents. Because, like, you know all alien species develop like humans, right?
5. Planets that are teleported right next to each other won't cause the slightest gravitational disturbance, honest!
6. If in doubt, make cuts that make no sense and miss out vital bits of the story. Instead, leave in the bits that are totally pointless, like Sam's parents and the rubbish actress with rubber lips.
7. Chemistry. 5 year olds like Bay don't know much about that, which is why the pairing of La Bouef and Rubber Lips have none.
8. If in doubt, explosions! People love explosions! Explosions for two hours! No plot or meaningful dialogue, just explosions!
9. Bumblebee's speech processor...they still haven't fixed it after three movies. Just what kind of highly "advanced" alien robots are these that they can't fix that?
10. Tomahawk cruise missiles...can apparently be used to target aerial combatants. No, seriously! It's in the movie! It must be true.
11. No, that's enough. My brain is reaching meltdown. I can't type any more.
Needless to say, if you're bored enough to risk watching this...DON'T! If you're that bored then watching this will KILL you! It's totally mind-numbing and tedious. Suitable only for those with exceedingly low expectations and even lower IQ's.
SUMMARY: Dull, 45 minutes too long, a terrible assault on the senses and the intelligence. There, I've warned you...don't come crying to me when you have an aneurysm from watching it.