It's not too bad of a movie... if you're brain dead or drunk!

Rating: 3/10 (28 December 2007)

****** "Spoilers" below ******
Alright, I realize a movie with giant alien robots that transform into vehicles requires suspension of disbelief. That's fine, but this movie's plot was just plain retarded. Once the awe of the special effects wore off, I started a drinking game drink every time I find a major plot hole or bad movie cliché. Not too surprising the second half of the movie wasn't too bad (e.g., I passed out).
I loved the part where we learn that the department of defense hires high school kids to manage computer security. I bet NASA does too. That might explain why we lost the Mars probe and sent the Hubble telescope up with its lens on backwards. Let's just say this if I was sitting there while the nations computers were being hacked and my chief computer security specialist concluded (without yet knowing about transformers), "It must be a self-replicating DNA-like robotic intelligent life form doing this," I would have told her to "Shut up and suck my ****" because that's obviously why I hired her.
I'm not convinced that the acting was bad. To be honest, the parts they were given were so ridiculous that I doubt anyone could look good performing them. The main actor, Shia LaBeouf, was so annoying and dumb with so many bad one-liners that I kept wishing he would die or be seriously injured. And the worst part was that I knew this movies 1-dimensional plot would end with him winning. That made it all the more unbearable.
The main female role, played by Megan Fox, was the typical "action movie girl" of the late 90's and 2000's. What do I mean by that? Well she was never wrong. She knew more about mechanics (or anything) than any "man" in the movie. And a tiny alien robot thing that can single handedly take out Air Force One and kill 10's of secret service agents? No problem. Hand the "action movie woman" a saber saw and it doesn't stand a chance. At least she fit the rest of the "action movie woman" cliché (i.e., she was hot).
Then came my favorite part of the movie! Shia needed his glasses and for whatever reason couldn't tell his parents. Therefore, all the transformers are in his front lawn hiding from his parents. No, they don't do this by sitting in the street in car form. No, they do this while in robot-person form crouching under the windows and whatnot. This was the point where I decided that finishing the movie was going to require lots of encouragement from my friend in Old Milwaukee (beer).
I watched the second half of the movie about 2 hours later and it never really got better. Thank God I was drunk. Let's just say that instead of fighting in a desert, the good guys drive to the nearest high-population city and decide to duke it out there. It might have been my drinking, but all the transformers started looking exactly the same (poor artists I guess) and it was tough to figure out who was fighting who. All the bad guys die (or rather are dumped in the ocean?) and everyone lives happily ever after.
At any rate, I wouldn't recommend this piece of crap and expect to see it on Mystery Science Theater about 50 years from now. This review really only skimmed the surface of the plot holes and cliché's. There's plenty more if you're looking for a good drinking game! It must not be all bad it is currently rated at 7.6/10. My guess is that MTV played some Transformer's commercials or something. And we all know, if MTV says it's good, there's bound to be an infinite number of 13 year olds who agree!