Tasteless

Rating: 1/10 (13 July 2007)

I was a fan of the cartoons. I'm a lover of action movies. This movie is simply awful; and I like Michael Bay's 'The Island' The good; CGI is clearly reaching incredible complexity, the transformations are simply mind bending. However, they are few and far between, and simply do not make for a 'good movie'. Any movie can have 5 minutes of transformations, but you still need to fill the other 2 hours with content.
The bad; everything else. The action scenes are way too close, too fast, too blurry, too loud, without any rhyme or reason. Whenever you think you are about to see something cool, it cuts away to the irrelevant human story that feels tacked on.
The autobots are mere shadows of their former selves. The once intelligent ironhide is reduced to a trigger-happy moron. Optimus Prime is a single-minded brute who often makes clumsy mistakes. Jazz is just a rap-artist break dancer in disguise. This is just awful, awful stuff.
The human 'story' is not a story at all. It cuts between a few different stories, and we don't care about any of them. Are human stories bad? No, not at all, in fact that is what this movie needed; a good human story. However, Sam the adolescent moron is hardly captivating, the untouchable soldier is simply not compelling, and the government hackers remind me of all those awful matrix/swordfish hackers that are just a joke.
Here's how this movie should have 'rolled'. We should be introduced to cybertron, and the beginnings of the war. Start with a big battle scene. We make our way to earth. War continues. Human casualties cause a single person/group to hate the transformers and wage war on them. The autobots, under attack by the humans, convince the humans they are good by saving the humans from the decepticons. Autobots and humans team up to beat decepticons. Big final battle with all the decepticons vs. all the autobots. The end. Now, if you've seen the movie, a lot of those points may seem like what happened in the movie; but if you remember all the added garbage, like the awkward parents scene, the autobots hiding in the suburbs, the stupid government base nonsense and hacker garbage...you know my version would be a far better paced movie.
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