*sigh* It could have been SO cool...

Rating: 4/10 (7 July 2007)

I actually went into this one with somewhat high expectations. I expected that even if it didn't succeed at being a good translation of Transformers, it would at least be a fun, exciting giant-robots-kicking-ass flick. It succeeded at neither.
I tried to look at it both ways. As a guy who grew up with the cartoons and toys, I wanted it to capture that same fun and action. But Michael Bay, who went in knowing very little about it, and treating it with condescension, took everything he personally didn't get or like about it, and simply changed it. These changes make it hard to like for a real fan of the original. Some Decepticons are cars now? The Transformers can change what they change into? How convenient that all the parts match up no matter what they want to become. The whole design of the robots is horrendous. They should have kept them simple, but they've made them so complex, disjointed, and busy that they look like random globs of metal. There are many points in the film where you can't even tell which robot you're looking at. They've treated the robots not as full characters, but as FX toys. When they make feeble forced attempts to inject personality, it fails completely. They just come across as dumb or obnoxious. One of the main plots of the story is supposed to be the relationship between Sam and his car, Bumblebee, but you get absolutely no sense of any connection there. When they are separated, or when Bumblebee is being "tortured," you don't care at all because they haven't established that connection. If you want to see that kind of story done right, watch The Iron Giant. The movie also makes the mistake of focusing far too much on humans. A little human involvement is to be expected and necessary, but there are so many unnecessary characters and plot lines. The entire military and Pentagon angles could easily be cut, especially horrible pointless characters like Anthony Anderson and John Turturro's.
So the faithful translation was out. So why not enjoy it as just a cool action/sci-fi flick? I tried. But there are just WAY too many horrible attempts at humor and childish sight gags. The first hour of the movie is especially painful to watch, with one bad one-liner after another, and the worst character of all, a small, supposedly funny robot named Frenzy. The action itself is more frustrating than anything. Giant robots fighting and transforming and causing destruction should be cool and exciting, right? Not here. I've always been a defender of Michael Bay's frenetic style and shaky-cams, but here it's just unwatchable. Coupled with the bad robot design, you can't even tell what the hell is going on half the time. The last half hour is a repetitive mess.
If there's one thing I never thought I'd be in a flick like this, it's bored. But I was. Bored and annoyed. I probably checked my watch ten times by the time it was over. It wasn't a completely awful film. It was just a gigantic disappointment on all levels, because it COULD have been such a cool flick. A ten-year old kid would probably love this flick, but anyone else, if they were being honest, would have to admit that it could have been SO much better.
One review I saw sums it up PERFECTLY: "It's like spending a day at the state fair: a little bit of actual entertainment, a lot of embarrassingly cheesy attempts at entertainment, and the faint whiff of bull crap everywhere."