BIG and MINDLESS- like a demented rhinoceros

Rating: 1/10 (29 September 2009)

There seems to be only two ways to go with 'Transformers'- either you hate the film, or you love it. I happen to hate it. With a vengeance. I suppose it's because the film COULD have been so much more. We have a decent, blockbuster idea- giant robots bent on destroying the world- and we also have... there is also... huh. That's all. But anyway, if all the other things were better, like the clunky screenplay, the mindless direction, and the never-more-annoying Shia, this COULD have gone somewhere.
The biggest problem I have with the film is that it has no brain. It is just one big explosion/sound effect/giant ILM robot after the next. I like big action sequences as much as the next person, but not all the way through a 144 minute film. The actual 'Transformers' are quite hard to tell apart. Director Michael Bay obviously thought that all the visual effects would distract us from what the screenwriter hoped we would think is a plot. (Ooo! Shiny!)
The humor relies heavily on cheap jokes. The first is when Sam gets his pants pulled off of him by a robot. Anticipated audience reaction: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!! BOXERS! Another scene is when the kid is being chased by his car and takes off down the street on his mom's bike, which is pink. Anticipated audience reaction: He's a guy, and- get this- he's riding on a PINK BIKE!!! Oh, the HILARITY! My sides are splitting! Oh, STOP!!! PLEASE!! NO MORE!!!!
There are also quite a few crude jokes in this film that just don't seem to fit. One of the transformers pees on a human. Note to whoever came up with that: Having a transformer pee on a human does not heighten our level of respect or fear of said transformer.
All in all, this is a film with minimal story, head-pounding action sequences and stupid jokes. If you REALLY want to see this film, I recommend watching it late at night with the sound turned right down. Don't try and follow the story because there isn't one. Just sit back and play with your iPhone until the effects/explosions come on.