Guess the saga isn't for me (any more)

Rating: 6/10 (7 April 2019)

I suppose in order to review the live action film of the 1980s cartoon/toys 'Transformers' (2007) I have to confess that I spent much of the eighties playing with the robots and generally gobbling up everything with an Autobot logo on it. If someone had released this film back then I would probably give it the highest rating possible. Sadly, I'm way too old, jaded and wrapped in the nostalgia of the Saturday morning cartoon I knew and loved.
If you don't know anything about the series (and I can't believe anyone could NOT know who Optimus Prime and Megatron are, but that's just me!), it - loosely - follows various narratives made popular in cartoon, comic and then computer-generated TV series and then blends them all together. But that's okay. They get the basics right - a group of good robots (who can change their appearance into Earth-based vehicles) arrive on our planet, but are quickly drawn back into their endless war with their evil counterparts, the Decepticons.
I never saw this film in the cinema and I'm glad. This is down to my unique way of watching my DVD copy. I will explain. The film is well over two hours long and, for the first hour, you basically don't actually see one of the titular robots. Instead, we're treated to a teen-love story which utilises every cliche in the genre. A nerd (Shia LaBeouf) falls for the hot chick (Megan Fox) and has to impress her despite the best efforts of the jock (who I don't know the name of). In short... I don't give a damn about any of these characters. Controversially, I watch a film called 'Transformers' to see Transformers. Therefore, viewing this film on DVD allows me to skip every scene which centres on the annoying and pointless flesh-bags.
Now, you may be expecting me to start saying how by ignoring the humans and concentrating on the robots make the film better. And it does. Sort of. Again, I'm trying to watch the film through the eyes of kids today and I can see them loving the robots in the exact same way as I did with those in the cartoons. For me, who's love of the franchise comes from the eighties (we call this 'G1' i.e. 'Generation 1') I wanted to see the robots look how I remember them. The Autobot leader 'Optimus Prime' is awesome. Fortunately the producers listened to fans and employed voice actor Peter Cullen to give him his personality - and it's by far the best part of the film. Even I could tell who Optimus Prime was because he basically looked how I remembered him. Sadly, the others didn't. A couple of Decepticons were okay (Starscream), but even Megatron was completely underused (he's the film's antagonist and yet only came into the story in the final act).
If I was given a free reign to make a Transformers movie, yes I'd base it on the eighties look, feel and story. Sadly, Michael Bay had other ideas and the robots are hard to tell apart (Optimus Prime and Bunblebee excluded) when they're standing still. When they fight, whatever epic battle scene that should be before us is akin to smashing two grey jagged lumps of metal together repeatedly while Megan Fox poses provocatively.
Basically, kids who have no prior knowledge of the franchise will probably love this. For 'oldies' like me, I just watch it for Optimus Prime - who is by far the true star. I just wish he was in it more. I've never felt so ashamed to be human!