Do Not Watch This Movie. Please

Rating: 5/10 (6 July 2007)

I'm not a very big Transformers fan: I never owned the toys or watched the show. I did, however, watch the original movie. I greatly prefer campy commercial to this bloated commercial, here is why:
Sam & Company- As with that terrible GODZILLA remake, the producers apparently decided "Well, people came to see Transformers, but we have to tag this half-assed 'nerd fantasy romance' onto it and spend 80% of the movie on the humans." That would be well and good, if the humans were in some way unique or interesting. Instead, we basically get the same crappy types we've seen again and again (young fresh types overcoming authority figures, clueless parents ((think the parents in a very toned down version of American Pie)) and you have the human element. Plus a "soldier with a young daughter back home" subplot that pisses me off in the way only Michael Bay's lowest common denominator tricks can.
Autobots: I know I was supposed to be blown away by the fact Peter Cullen from the cartoon is the voice of Optimus Prime (God knows why that would impress a nonfan: his acting is not good) Well, I would have been fine having freakin' Steve Carell voice the character if he his dialogue was good at all. Instead, he spends half of his lines telling us how great Sam the lovable nerd is, and at least a quarter spouting the dumbest howlers I have ever heard. The other autobots got so little screen time that literally an hour after watching it, I only remember that there is a joke about one of them wizzing on a human as a joke.
Decepticons: Incredibly, they are even less developed than the autobots, barely getting to destroy anything or properly present themselves as a menace. I mean, there's EIGHT of them, and we see humans are able to damage them early on. You honestly get the impression the humans could defeat them without the autobots, even if they do use "the cube" (An idea so patently stupid it makes the cartoon seem like FIGHT CLUB) People complain about how indistinguishable the cartoon characters are? These guys are so close in design that Starscream and Megatron could stand up next to each other in a lineup and you couldn't tell them apart.
John Turtorro: He is in it, he has lines, and a lot of them.
In short, only watch this movie if you have no imagination. Everyone else is advised to just shut their eyes, and imagine what this movie would be like. You will probably dream up something much more watchable, and it will be all yours.