Bloated, Insulting, Moronic, Racist, Travesty... BAY MUST PAY!!!

Rating: 1/10 (24 July 2007)

Oh how I longed for this Movie. A Transformers Movie. How could it be anything other that amazing. I'll tell you how... Michael Bay, that's how! The man who gave us Pearl Harbour returns to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory once more. This was a sure thing. It was more difficult to fail than it was to succeed and in that sense it was a real achievement.
The plot involves a teenage boy who has the fate of the world in his hands thanks to an item he listed on ebay. No, I'm serious. Hilarious set-pieces involve a dog peeing on Ironhide's leg and a prolonged and excruciatingly unfunny conversation about masturbation. If that's not enough humour this Movie offers us not one stereotyped black comic relief character, but THREE! Unbelievabley, one of these racist clichés is a transformer; Jazz the Token-Ghettobot. Just to further the cliché, he is the only one to die. Classic.
As the Movie stumbles to a climax, our bland and idiotic heroes take the allspark (that's an energon cube to anyone who knows anything about Transformers) to the middle of a city to ensure maximum loss of life. Why not take it to a field or a desert or an underground bunker you ask? The answer is simple. When was the last time you saw a Pepsi commercial in a desert?
So rather than looking forward to the greatest Movie ever, I'm looking back in utter disgust. Meanwhile Michael Bay is already planning Transformers 2. There is no justice.
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