Nothing More Meets the CG-Eye in this Baytravesty

Rating: 3/10 (5 July 2007)

Summer action flicks should never be seen with the preconceived notion of high expectations. The reason for this is simple: eye candy films that are released when school is out aim for a youthful demographic who are simply looking for good way to kill 2 and half hours. These films can be instant blockbusters even without a coherent plot or compelling dialogue. Films about massive robots based on a toy line which wreak havoc narrow the demographic further (and lower the bar of cinematic standards), but throw in wannabe epic director Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor) and you can guarantee the trailer will pull in other audiences. I never played with the toys or watched the cartoon, but it can be assured nothing more meets the eye than CGI goo and decent Foley artists on sound in Transformers.
The basic plot involves the benevolent Autobots and their archenemies (Decepticons) dragging their robot war on Earth, as if humans didn't have enough of their own war mongering to deal with. The Decepticons are looking for their cube which is powerful enough to create new robot life or destroy Middle Earth..err...the universe but the Autobots are willing to have Frodo...I mean... Sam (Shia LeBeouf) sacrifice the cube (and new transformer life) for the victory of the human race. The stereotyped prodigies give hope to nerds everywhere: teenage intelligence agents, a computer hacker, even a car mechanic with too much make up. Sam probably feels left out as the average kid, but is reassured later that "you're a soldier " too. Michael Bay, who is only good at directing big locations blowing up on camera , struggled to find a logical reason for the final battle. He fails at doing so and consequently has a character suggest (with knowledge of an impending robot onslaught) to rendezvous in a major human population area. Everyone else, including the Secretary of Defense (John Voight), quickly agrees to this idea of jeopardizing the safety of an entire city. I have this to say to Michael Bay: No, pushing the story along so you can have your 20 minute destructo-scene isn't going to make me forget about that line earlier in the movie. You know, the one where the boy films the Autobot simultaneously crash landing and yells, "Wow! This is cooler than Armageddon!" I didn't sit down in the theater expecting fine cinematic quality, but I don't want to see a movie where the director services himself for what he believes to be past "accomplishments."
At least there were a few well done casting elements. Shia LeBeouf was good as the quick witted underdog student, but I'm afraid he is in danger of being typecast. Didn't I already see him play this role in Disturbia? John Turturro as the oddly likable top secret agent also makes the monotonous dialogue scenes more dynamic. Most importantly, the film lacked Michael Bay's favorite fan boy Ben Affleck (It was reported that for this reason, the crew had to stop production for a week because Bay locked himself in the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably.) Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings) was in the film voicing Megatron but you wouldn't know it considering his two lame lines. Then there's Sam's caked up love interest (Meagan Fox) who, besides the horrible acting, loses points for actually saying, "Sam, whatever happens, I'm glad I got in the car with you." It must have been a homage to every poorly delivered, cheese ball romance line in the the history of cinema.
At least Bay, who sold his soul to corporate America in this film, didn't force her to to replace the word "car" with "Camaro." It wouldn't have been surprising, considering I counted 11 different products being shamelessly placed throughout the entire film. Ebay is not the only online auction site, I'm not letting Bay have that one. As for the rest, was it really necessary to show the words "GMC" and "Camaro" as if the movie was a car commercial? Was it really necessary to include the words "Blackberry", "Nokia", and "Energizer" in under a minute of dialogue? Did John Turturro feel as sold out as I did for not walking out when I heard him say, "...your little Taco Bell dog?"
I only stayed for the duration of the movie to write this review, which will never happen again if I witness such disgusting product placement. A summer action flick about fighting robots is tolerable, but the special effects weren't even that great. A shot without any movement other than the CGI spectacles, isn't live action, it's animation. The music sounds stripped from another Bay film. Take away those elements, Bay's pathetic direction, the typecast characters, the poorly written plot and all you have left is the sound, which actually made the film audibly pleasing. I salute you Erik Aadahl and friends of the sound department. Michael Bay, please take the advice of Matt Stone and Trey Parker and stop making movies.