Optimus Prime and co. save humans from the terrifying scourge of product placements

Rating: 5/10 (7 January 2009)

As an old-school fan of Transformers, I can't say I was too excited about seeing it transition into a big-screen Michael Bay production. The results are actually not as bad as I had anticipated, but some of the characters' dialog is so downright awful, while watching it, I myself wanted to "transform" -- by which I mean extend my limbs and transplant myself out of the room in which the film was playing. (Get it?!?!?)
*tumbleweeds roll by*
The special effects are good for the present moment and there are some pretty sweet action scenes. I do kind of love how they're badass robots but end up fighting with typical grappling martial arts. The music is adequate epic Hollywood action-adventure symphony stuff, but then interspersed with random segments of "nu-metal" riffs during cheesy action sequences. And then for some reason the film ends with a Linkin Park song. Which is funny because the film already ends on such a cliché, sappy note and then gives you permanent low self-esteem with the song that plays during the end credits.
Ah, I guess that's to be expected of a film that flashes Mountain Dew and Pepsi every 10 minutes and is one long commercial for GMC and the (then) new Chevy Camaro. From what I understand, enlightened cybernetic beings will one day be made from superior industrial products, which you should buy now. Oh yeah, and enlightened cybernetic beings also use dated American street slang, like "roll out". Natch.
Pretty entertaining stuff, but so empty and cliché it's almost incredible. Everything in this movie is a macrocosm of Megan Fox's presence and role: really nice to look at, but with absolutely nothing to say at all. I mean, it's basically X-Men, but with Transformers: Blahblahblah, "Transformers/XMen/Gargoyles/Spidermen are bad! Send in the military!" ...rabblerabblerabble... "Stop! Those are the GOOD Transformers/XMen/Gargoyles!!" Blarbyblarblar... "Humans are bad! You are friends with humans so you die!" blahblahblah "No! Some are good so we should let them live!" And that's about it.