Transformers: adverts in disguise.

Rating: 5/10 (6 June 2012)

The original 80s Transformers cartoon series was all about shifting toys from shelves, so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to find that Michael Bay's prime directive for this live-action blockbuster also seems to be making money through selling stuff.
Transformers has been designed to leave kids longing to reenact its bad-ass auto-bot battles via Hasbro's new range of authorised action figures, whilst giving adults the urge to load a top-of-the-range Apple iMac, Hewlett Packard laptop, an X-Box, and a crate of Mountain Dew into the back of a brand new GMC TopKick truck.
But blatant product placement isn't the only thing that Bay mercilessly bombards the viewer with: he also pummels his audience into submission with an onslaught of complex CGI effects, endless loud explosions, awful dialogue, rapid fire editing, cringe-worthy moments of comedy, and lots of shouting from Anthony Anderson as an irritating gluttonous hacker. Plot development and logic are almost non-existent.
Granted, for many people the sight of giant alien robots transforming into vehicles and battling each other will be entertainment enough (even I can appreciate an awesome heavy-metal smack-down), while others will welcome the sight of a sweaty Megan Fox bending over a car to fiddle with the engine, but for a movie costing $150 million, I expect more than what is essentially a visually impressive two-hour long advert for kids' toys and luxury goods.