Transformers..Exactly what meets the eye...and nothing more

Rating: 6/10 (3 July 2007)

Michael Bay has long been a target of detractors who say his movies are long on style, and short on substance. With that in mind, you'd think "Transformers" would be the perfect vehicle for him (No pun intended). After all, no one is going to attend this film for the actual humans that inhabit this world. They are going to see some giant robots blow stuff up real good. In that sense, you get your money's worth. The problem is, that only accounts for about 45 minutes of the movie. For the remaining 1 hour 45 minutes, we have to sit through one of the most poorly scripted summer movies of the year. That's really saying something considering the lackluster year it has been for summer movies. The people in this movie are just not interesting. Not even for a Michael Bay movie. Shia Labeouf (Sam) and Megan Fox (Mikaela) do their thing in relatively harmless fashion. Their characters are the definition of cookie cutter. He's the geek that is determined to win the heart of the hottest girl in school. She's the hottest girl in school. She dates the star athlete, but isn't into his mentality. She has the requisite heart of gold. Of course they'll be smooching by the end of the movie. They go through the motions as actors. Unfortunately, they are surrounded by way too many useless characters. Some are supposed to be their for tension, others for comic relief. None of them works. Rachael Taylor leads a group of high school students that crack the robot's code and discover what they are up to. (ID4 ripoff?) It's amazing that the smartest people in the world, using the most advance equipment in the world can't crack this code...but a hot blonde with great legs can. Only in a Michael Bay movie. When she can't figure it out? Who does she turn to? Anthony Anderson. Who divides his time between hacking the internet, and playing Dance Dance Revolution in his bedroom. John Turturro cashes a paycheck as a government spook is neither threatening or funny when he needs to be. The worst offenders are Kevin Dunn and Julie White as Labeouf's parents. Every scene they are in is cringe worthy. Their annoyance continues into the end credits where they continue to pop up as if we needed more of their inane blathering. But like I said, no one is paying to see them. You're paying to see giant robots throw down. That you get. You have 2 sides...the noble Autobots, and the evil Decepticons. Only a hardcore fan could keep these things straight. They are a sight to behold. However, the novelty of them "transforming" grows old after the first few times. It's one thing if they change quickly from robot to vehicle or vice versa. It's quite another to have long tracking shots of every little piece of these things reforming. We know ILM can do amazing CG work. We don't need it drilled into our heads. As characters, none of the Transformers is particularly interesting. They learned to speak English by watching TV. (Obviously they got the idea from watching Splash. At least they're as smart as mermaids) So they all have their own "personalities". The wise leader, the shoot first/ask questions later hothead, and the token urban Transformer. The villains...well...they growl a lot. They also like to say their names a lot. To be fair, there are couple of great action scenes. A chase between a Decepticon police car and the hero Camaro called Bumblebee is fun, and an aerial battle between an evil Decepticon called Starscream, and a pack of military fighters is quick and inventive. There's also a nice final throw down between the leader of the of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, and the Decepticon leader Megatron. However it is not enough to sustain this movie for it's run time. This is a good 90 minute movie, with 60 minutes of filler, useless characters, childish humor (did we really need TWO urination jokes?), and inane plot devices. If you grew up on Transformers, well then I guess your time is here. It's probably everything you want in a movie. For a movie lover, like myself, it's yet another in a long string of summer movies that are long on hype, and short on delivery. What's worse is, all the best parts are in the preview..and the worst part of all...it's something that I don't care if I ever see again. If non-Tranformers fan boy thinks as I do, and I suspect a lot will, that will not bode well for the movies box office after what I'm sure will be a HUGE opening weekend. But hey...par for the course this summer. Too bad Michael Bay, except for this and Pearl Harbor, I like your movies.