What's that smell?

Rating: 3/10 (13 August 2007)

This is what happened when we went to see "Transformers".
We bought tickets and went into the cinema. The adverts came and went, so did the trailers. The lights went down and the film started. It was then that I noticed the smell. I looked around. I sniffed here and there. Couldn't place it. I looked at my Girlfriend. Had she broken wind? No. I sniffed some more. The smell was getting worse. Then it dawned on me. The smell was coming from the screen!
I thought "Transformers" was absolutely awful.
Maybe it's me. My Brother (37 years old) has seen it twice. He loved it. My Nephew (11 years old) has seen it twice. He loved it. Two male work colleagues (21 and 30 years old respectively) say that they loved it. A female work colleague (26 years old, blonde, nice figure, likes to lick her lips, cheeky smile...) thought that it was "not bad".
What do they know? They know nothing.
If you are into a whole military hardware, scientific geek fest celebration, then there are things to enjoy in "Transformers" (some of the military hardware sequences are great), but there is also really, really bad and predictable comedy featuring, a geek on whom the whole future of the human race depends (who you just know is going to get the hot girl despite the fact that she seems to have been dipped for hours in perma-tan), comedy parents, comedy black ops operatives (John Turturro hold your head in shame), irritating Jar Jar Binks style robots (Bumblebee and the other villainous little robot, all squeeks and R2D2isms) and a greatest-hacker-in-the-world (Tm) who is an overexcited, fat, black dude who eats too much. Give me strength...
I'm also starting to suspect that for a (generally considered by some?) top action Director, Michael Bay has no idea how to direct a coherent action sequence. "Transformers" suffered from exactly the same too close approach that ruined action sequences in "Armageddon" and "The Island". Too much happening and it was happening too fast. For God's sake, Michael, pull back and let the audience see what is going on. You don't have to be right in the middle of it all of the time.
I never watched the original series. Should I have done? I feel that I've missed out on something.
By the way, my Girlfriend liked "Transformers" a lot. She said that it was a fine, Summer movie. (Fume. Snarl. Growl. Spits in disgust.)