Porn

Rating: 1/10 (17 November 2007)

It's like a five-year-old wrote a script while playing with the toys...and somebody made a movie out of it.
I know Transformers isn't supposed to be a mental exercise of any kind, but this is ridiculous. It is, in fact, an insult. It puts Lost World to shame in terms of its brains to fluff ratio. I have no idea what the humans are even DOING in this move except from being stomped mercilessly. Why would intelligent devices (or, rather, intelligence that can morph itself INTO devices...huh?) which can turn themselves from a 10-foot long car or 1 foot long radio into 2 story buildings even TALK to the little ants, much less RELATE to them? That last sentence touches on another thing this movie tosses out the window: conservation of matter. Might as well talk about that, too. At one point a kid is handed a block that has been shrunk down from a four-story building-sized piece of metal which crashed into the earth's surface...whenever. So, something that once was large and heavy enough to plow its way through rock can now be handled by a 17 year-old. This cube is apparently the most important thing in the universe, to boot. So, why is it handed to a boy. Because the 5-year-old who is dreaming of playing with REAL transformers said so. And, of course, the government was aware all along that the robots were coming because THEY ALREADY HAD ONE FROZEN, and all of our 20th century technology is the result of what we've learned from it and the laser that can turn a cell phone into a mindless killing/transforming being. I am getting dizzy just writing this... Now, if a robot can be frozen still...HOW DID THEY GET TO EARTH? space is cold!!!!!! You could go on and on...but what's the point? Fact is, this flick is porn, a bunch of contextless CGI ejaculations.