Transformers - Anything but.

Rating: 3/10 (8 July 2007)

Let's get one thing straight: this movie was dreadful. It's best summed up by this: Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox, there to look good in some dramatic pose, extreme lighting, and a disappointing absence of Transformers. All they had to do was make a movie with Transformers fighting each other. Instead, they had to complicate it with technical drivel, completely unnecessary characters, and retarded justification sequences which left you wondering how writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman got through life without getting beat up around every corner. Michael Bay can make an action flick, and that's all he had to do here. Instead, he tried to complicate things. When this is a movie called Transformers and there are hour long gaps between transformer on transformer action, you know you have a real problem.
The CG in this movie was amazing... when it was on screen. Literally one hour passed before we saw the first transformer battle (albeit was awesome) and almost another hour before the final sequence. When people say it's a 2 and a half hour trailer for ILM, they are sorely mistaken. This was a 25 minute trailer for ILM pasted into a drearily dull and pointless story. Another problem with the CG was the complication of robot design, coupled with the ambiguity of color and design from all the other robots and a constantly tight camera shot, made it impossible to distinguish between how many transformers were on screen or who was fighting who. Only after the battle do you know who you're rooting for.
The script was terrible. The lines were gag-reflex bad, and the story, if observed with any sort of intelligence, was a wasteful tack-on with no thought put in.
Also a huge disappointment was the acting. Shia LaBeouf, Jon Voight, John Turturro- these actors have all shown us some great performances in the past, which only contributes to the argument that this script and direction were atrocious. The delivery on the already poor lines brought me out of the experience every time someone opened there mouth. But the worst part is most of the humans featured in this film didn't even need to exist. The "new guys" that were brought in to isolate the hack the stupid monkey terminator (I'll come back to him later) were some of the stiffest acting of this year, and they didn't even need to be there. At all.
The absolute worst aspect of the movie was the monkey/boom box transformer. Or so they made him to be. That was no transformer. It was written and animated like a bad droid from Episode 1, and I don't see how anyone could have been fooled by the disguise. His part in the story was far too crucial, and his on-screen time compared to characters Optimus Prime and Megatron was so incredibly disappointing, I thought George Lucas was a pinch director for much of the movie.
About the only sight-gag I found to be humorous was a dangling decoration in Bumblebee's car saying "Bee-otch". The humor was shallow, and at it's best got me chuckling.
It was such a relief after an hour, to see the first real battle, and I was so engaged the moment it happened. The first fight was between Bumblebee as a Camaro, and Barricade as a police interceptor. Though it kind of bothered me that he had such a tricked-out police car, really, it didn't matter. This fight was cool, and actually had worth to it. Likewise, the last 20 minutes of the movie were engaging, and the human aspect went from bad to just okay (a sequence between LaBeouf and Fox was very out-of-no where, but it was totally a Bay moment). When the film's subjects, transformers, were on screen, it was the right movie. Too bad they were only on for about 10% of the time...
Honestly, this is the first movie I have ever wanted to walk out in. I didn't care about the story at all, after about 10 minutes, I couldn't even care about sticking around for the action, if it ever came. I also seem to be the only one who feels this way, and I am deeply saddened to all who were brainwashed by Michael Bay and his stranglehold. Please listen to reason, and wait for this to rent. When you only have to spend about a dollar a piece on the thing.
A final note, this is not a kids movie, like the new TMNT. If you are looking for a kids movie, turn back now. The story is too convoluted, the action is few and far between, and the subject matter and action are just plain not suited for children.