Michael Bay - The WOMD (Weapon of Movie Destruction)

Rating: 1/10 (10 December 2008)

I somehow managed to avoid any film by Michael Bay---until Transformers came to HBO. I've heard numerous times that Michael Bay is the worst director ever. But I watched anyway because...well...okay, I couldn't think of a good reason except for maybe because it's HBO. So, I watched it. Good Lord! Who green-lit this stink-burger? Bay doesn't direct movies; he blows stuff up on film.
1) This movie didn't have one storyline. It had a gazillion story lines, all of them hard to follow. Teen film, war film, espionage film, comedy, action. This film created a new genre: confusing film.
2) This film had a gazillion stereotypes. You have the geek pining for the hot chick, the hot chick that dates oafish bullies and doesn't know geek exists until they're thrown together by circumstance, the idiot best friend of said geek that climbs trees (what is he, a two year old?), geek's cheapskate dad, geek's loud nosy mom, the smart-hot British chick, the fat black dude that hacks computers and yells at his mom for being nosy, the know-it-all agent that harasses geek and hot chick, the clueless President just finding out his country is overrun with Transformers, etc.
3) The women in this film have it the worst. They're either hot skinny chicks with limited to no acting ability but show more skin than Maxim magazine or made to be loud, shrill, and nosy or made to be overly smart and have some sort of accent but still hot.
4) The film is called Transformers, but they don't appear will half-way through the movie. WTF??? How do you screw this up? The Transformers are suppose to be the stars of the film, not the supporting characters of their self-named film.
5) Who's the idiot that decided to dumb down the Transformers? One scene where the 'bots try to hide outside while geek gets the glasses he's been trying to sell on EBAY (enough with the product placement), I thought I was watching American Pie. Transformers are suppose to be fighting, not hiding from nosy parents in the middle of the night. If I want to watch American Pie-style humor, I'd be watching American Pie.
6) Talented actors (John Turturro, Jon Voight) and TV actors (dude from Las Vegas, some dude from Prison Break) wasted in this film.
7) Why is the guy playing the geek getting all this hype? All he does is say a bunch of one-liners trying too hard to be funny and trying to act like an action hero. I kept hoping Optimus Prime would kick his weenie ass. This is the next big star? Seriously??? Hollywood needs to realize that just because Disney gave him a career does not make him talented. What's next? Miley as Wonder Woman?
8) Hot chick should stick to modeling. Or stripping. Or taking it off for Playboy. Or work at Hooters. Anything but acting. One look at her examining the engine of Bumblebee car and it's obvious that her bare midriff had better acting skills than she did.
9) Movie was too loud. The explosions were loud and everyone had a need to shout their lines. I know this isn't Shakespeare but shouting your awful lines will not help the film.
10) The camera-work was all over the place. I kept thinking, "Am I watching a movie or am I on a roller-coaster?" I had a headache and was dizzy by the time the end credits rolled.
11) How sad is it when the only redeeming quality about this film is the Linkin Park song at the closing credits?