Good and Bad but never Ugly

Rating: 6/10 (28 July 2007)

Transformers, for me, is a film that veers somewhere between the absolutely spectacular and the cringe-worthy, the predictable and the plain bad.
First of all, the good things. Transformers, in all likelihood, contains the best action sequences that you will see all year. They are as bold and exciting and as crazy as anything in Michael Bay's career. The opening assault on the desert base is fantastic and the final forty five minutes that takes the action from the Hoover dam to the very heart of the city is sustained on pure adrenalin.
Alongside this, if it doesn't pick up awards for its effects come Oscar season it will be a crime. There's a fantastic sequence in which Optimus Prime transforms before our very eyes in near slow-motion and we get to see every piston and bolt and panel twisting into shape. For that alone it's breathtaking. Similarly, the Transformers are as real and believable as King Kong was eighteen months. If Peter Jackson was rightly lauded for breathing such humanity into a giant living breathing ape, then Bay should be afforded even greater credit for the enthusing his giant robots with such lifelike traits and dignity. My only complaint would be the lack of Megatron until the final thirty minutes!
As well as this, there is a performance that stands out as well. Although much attention has been drawn to Shia LeBeof (who I shall reluctantly come to later), the real standout, for me, came from Josh Duhamel. Admittedly he didn't have his limits stretched in the role of Captain Lennox but what he did have to do he did extremely well. Perhaps the biggest compliment that I can pay him is to say that he reminded me of a Terminator/Aliens era Michael Biehn. A piece of casting that Bay no doubt intended but, nonetheless, Duhamel pulled it off charismatic aplomb.
Unfortunately, there is little more positive that I have to say. For whilst I thoroughly enjoyed Tranformers whilst Bay was doing what he does best, the whole film is let down by a lacklustre script, weak two-dimensional characters, cringe-worthy attempts at humour and a crushing level of predictability.
We've simply seen Transformers so many times before. I mentioned Aliens and The Terminator earlier on but this movie stomps on narrative territories that have been de rigeur in modern blockbusters since Independence Day. That is not to say that Bay has ripped anything off but simply that there is very little original here. Multiple narratives that pull together to include geeky boys, attractive and seemingly unattainable objects of affection, computer experts who are ignored, US military overwhelmed by higher civilisations (apart from a single hardcore special ops unit of course) and shady Government organisations kept secret from even the highest ranking politicians. Transformers is a positive melting pot of modern blockbuster clichés.
Duhamel aside, the casting doesn't particularly help either. Megan Fox simply seems to be included to satisfy the audiences objectification needs, the heavyweight Jon Voight simply coasts his way to another paycheck and Bay shoehorns in every single African-American stereotype into the roles occupied by Tyrese Gibson, Anthony Anderson and Bernie Mac. Whilst it is always a pleasure to see John Turturro on screen, you could practically see his tongue protruding from his cheek in almost every single scene! As for Shia LeBeof, I am mystified how his star is rising so quickly in Hollywood. I'm all for studio's moving away from the bland leading clones of the early 00's but he's like the terrifying result of genetic experiments of Corey Feldman's pickled liver. An irritating smart-ass who here appears to be regurgitating his performance in Constantine.
Which leads nicely to the films biggest problems. The script. Oh dear. Right from the offset the script hums with a mixture of cheese and sleaze. If I were a cynical man, I'd argue that half of the reason that the action is so effective is simply because we have been aching for Bay to show some mercy and shut the characters up! LeBeouf and Anderson are prominent offenders but the characters of Ron and Judy Witwicky are by far the most grating. Intended as comic relief no doubt but ultimately an embarrassing instrument of torture. Like the Levensteins dumbed down and living under the Witness Protection Scheme. One can only presume that any sequel will have Alyson Hannigan returning from band camp to win Sam back from Mikaela!
Indeed, it's the moments in which Bay is trying to be self-consciously funny that really grate. There are some humorous exchanges that genuinely do work ("I'm gonna count to five"... "I'm gonna count to three") but when Bay steps out of his comfort zone the results often induce uncomfortable seat-squirming. The extended sequence in which the Autobots "hide out" in the Witwicky's back garden is the case in point. Heavy-handed, laboured and below even cartoonish. Transformers is, unfortunately, riven with such moments.
I left the cinema last night with the same mixture of satisfaction and disappointment that I felt when I watched King Kong. There is a lot to enjoy about Transformers and if you are looking for big, dumb fun then this film ticks all the boxes. However, be warned, there is a lot of dumb, not-so-fun, small talk to wade through too.