Transform and Roll Out!

Rating: 4/10 (6 July 2007)

When I first got word they were making a live action version of Transformers, I'll admit, I got excited. Now I'm not Michael Bay fan, though I do enjoy a handful of his films--so when he was announced the director, I shrugged. I figured if anyone was going to direct a movie about giant robots turning into cars, then who else to make it than Michael Bay.
Anyway--I saw the movie today and felt compelled to write something about it. I've seen that so far it has received good reviews from fans on this site as well as a lot of positive praise all over the internet, which COMPLETELY baffles me! What are you guys seeing that I'm not? Did we watch the same movie or was the cut of this thing I saw some kind of rough cut piece of crap. Okay, let me break it down into pros and cons, because everything has two sides.
Okay--the good: 1.) Hot chicks 2.) Explosions 3.) Cool climax at the end That's it. So many things were happening in this film that annoyed me that I never really felt comfortable about anything going on nor care about any of the characters.
Okay--the bad: 1.) First the Transformers, since most of you seeing this movie are going to see them.
--Stupid stereotypes: Jazz was a ghetto robot, Bumblebee was basically Junkion from Transformers (1986).
--They look stupid and during battles, you can't tell who is who.
--They all have terrible lines.
--You don't care about them, because they have zero character.
--The bad guys die very easily.
--No suspense in the battle scenes, because, well--you can't tell what's happening.
--Shockwave was like the Jar Jar Binks of the Transformer movie.
Now for other bad things: 2.) Horrible script--it was like the Terminator. These robots traveled millions of miles to find a pair of GLASSES ON EBAY?! What the hell?! Who wrote this script? It was so stupid. And people are complaining that Spiderman 3 was terrible, yet are giving this movie such endless praise...man, I must be on the wrong planet.
3.) Bad editing--So much is going on that I don't think anyone involved in this project knew what they were doing. Or what was happening or why. When it came to watching this thing, my eyes hurt! 4.) Horrible music.
5.) Some of the worst battles I've ever seen. $150 million dollars to make it and you still couldn't see what has happening on the screen. The smaller battles worked for me, but the big city climax was a bit over the top and so badly constructed that I didn't even know who was dying.
6.) 2D characters--but that's a small compliant. You don't go into a movie like this for good characters anyway, right? It's a Summer Blockbuster and you go to see the big bangs, the robots, a hot girls running around.
7.) Lame coming of age story.
8.) All the subplots could have been cut--I mean it was like four different movies going on at the same time that you, as a viewer, had no idea who the movie wanted you to care about: Boy and his car, Soldier trying to get home to his wife and kids, a woman who works for the government and her hacker friend who likes donuts, and a dog with a broken leg. Come on, choice a central character and let the audience follow them! 9.) Tried to be funny, but wasn't.
I don't know, maybe I should stop now. I mean it's bad enough I wasted money to see this stupid movie and now I'm wasting more time on it tell you why I hated it. Chances are a lot of you will still go and see it and that's fine, but be warned. This is not as good as people are telling you. People from the ages of 10 to 18 will love it. Men between the ages of 18-25 will love it too, unless they are film majors. If I were you, I'd use my money and see something good like Ratatouille, Live Free or Die Hard, or anything else at the box office. This was a waste! I wouldn't even download this movie for free to watch it again--that's how bad it is.
Well I warned you.