I'm more of a Pacific Rim guy myself...

Rating: 4/10 (22 November 2016)

Proof, if proof were needed, of the way in which Hollywood blockbusters have been successfully dumbing down in the past thirty years, TRANSFORMERS is a bloated mess that contains genre staples and not one jot of originality. It's a story of cool special effects and not a lot else – and leaves me wondering why there was a need to have any human interest in the film whatsoever. Why not just focus on the robots and leave it at that? Michael Bay is far from a favourite director, but I used to get a kick out of his epics like Armageddon. TRANSFORMERS makes that movie look like a masterpiece in retrospect.
The main problem is with the script. Clearly aiming the franchise at the American male teenager demographic, we get toilet humour (watch out for the 'hilarious' scene where a transformer urinates fuel on a bad guy), crass jokes (the one about masturbation is the most unnecessary and dumb), the ubiquitous Anthony Anderson (as unbelievable as a computer hacker as Denise Richards was a nuclear scientist in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH) and the appearance of what must be the dumbest bimbo (Megan Fox) seen on screens in a long while. Running in at almost two and a half hours, this could easily have lost an hour and a half, because it's unbelievably padded. The first hour only just introduces the characters, and the last half hour is an action scene. Cut out all the stupid jokes, all the poor acting from the rubbish Shia LaBeouf, the overacting John Turturro, and the do-anything-for-a-buck Jon Voight, and you're left with a cartoon that's not even as good as the original TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE, an animation made back in 1986.
Bay overdirects things as per usual and borrows some shaky-cam effects in an effort to up the tension, but the result is that much of the action is just a blur of computer effects. Saying that, the special effects ARE impressive, and I absolutely loved the look of the transformers themselves. It's just a shame they couldn't have appeared in a better film. The only bit worth watching is the city battle at the climax, a massive, special-effects filled, ten-explosions-a-minute action sequence that reminded me of those old Toho monster bashes. Seeing giant monsters tossing cars, smashing buildings, tearing each other to pieces and battling the military makes for a highly entertaining section, and must have cost an absolute packet to put together. If they repackaged the movie, removing Shia LaBeouf and including just this 30-minute scene, I'd probably buy it. But I have no inclination to go near TRANSFORMERS ever again. Spielberg, who's clearly in this for the money alone, should be absolutely ashamed of himself.