Open Letter to Michael Bay (warning: spoilers, as if it mattered)

Rating: 6/10 (2 January 2008)

Dear Michael, "Transformers" was palatable, the most I can say about any of your movies. But I see a disturbing pattern: your movies are too damn long.
Two hours is too much. Your movies are about gun fights, explosions, car chases, the requisite hot chick, product placement and in this case, robots.
Your successful peers manage to tie these ingredients together with a thin string of a plot that lasts ninety minutes, just enough to fill us with adrenaline without being boring.
Transformers is over two hours along. For intriguing Oscar-worthy dramas that include character development, plot twists, and witty dialog, this is acceptable. For movies about giant robots fighting over a hot chick wielding the latest Nokia, it is not.
Not only does Transformers drag for long stretches, but the plot sucks. I can handle bad plots in action movies -in some cases they're encouraged- but not when it drags the movie out unnecessarily and clutters it with awkward moments. I've regrettably compiled a list of things this movie could do without: -Why did the Scorpion robot attack the military in the desert? Granted, it was a good scene, but it had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Um... explain? -Was the young black kid simply pandering to the inner-city audience? He was introduced to crack a code, but the code didn't say anything. I don't even know what happened to him at the end, I think he disappeared.
-Same with the Australian girl. You already have a hot chick, adding another one only confuses the males in the audience and gives them false hopes of a threesome. Not only was she annoying, I don't know why she was there. Eliminating her out would've cut five minutes from the film.
-The scene where boy meets girl: too long and irrelevant. You've shown that he has a crush on her in the classroom scene, and that he's the nerd that needs a car to impress her. That's enough. You don't need him showing up uninvited at a party, as it added seven early, unneeded minutes to the movie. Remember: explosions, robots, hot chicks, product placement. You suck a dialog so don't bother.
Furthermore, "boy lusts girl" belongs in another movie; like "Pearl Harbor", you forget your point. Like the ADD addled audience you target, you suffer from quick jumps from unrelated subjects and the inability to focus for more than five minutes. That's why you make action movies.
-Speaking of that scene, remember his friend? The blond kid who hung upside down from the tree? Yeah... him! Why is he in the movie? Don't addle it with unnecessary characters.
-How did the glasses show that the cube is in the desert? The glasses were imprinted with the location of the cube when Megatron was frozen in the arctic. Goddamm, that's a confusing plot piece, such a development needs some explanation, like a sentence "Megatron had followed the Cube to earth... (pause for digestion) but he got off course and crash landed in the Arctic (further pause). THE CUBE WASN'T IN THE ARCTIC, IT'S SOMEWHERE ELSE" If you clarified that part, you wouldn't even need to try explaining how the cube got to the desert.
OK, I hate to nitpick, but you're making Transformers II, I'd really prefer not to have to sit through thirty minutes of pointless back-story in order to see robots battle over a hot chick, turn into cars and explode. Thank you and feel free to call me if you need a consultant, my fees are surprisingly reasonable compared to Hollywood standards.