Formulaic BS that showcases everything wrong with the action genre...

Rating: 1/10 (4 August 2007)

It worries me that anyone could actually fall for **** like this in this day and age...
Michael Bay's latest crime against the cinema is by far his most by-the-numbers venture yet with so little creativity that it should be considered punishable. Big explosions, high-priced special effects meant to dazzle, generic comedy, and female cast members meant to dazzle are just about all this movie has to offer, and it all culminates in a big battle in downtown Los Angeles that by nature and set-up is almost as implausible as even the inclination that a guy with Shia LeBouf's face could score a pity date with a girl that looks like Megan Fox without fame or fortune to help. Yet as a summer movie the audience is not simply sold this idea but expected to accept it in a "neat" marketable package complete with overwhelming amounts of product placement. As a result a vicious cycle is born. Visuals reign over every aspect of this film as it does in many of its kind which leaves little room for anything else that is supposed to make up a movie, and too often the story is the first victim and audiences buy into it like a toddler distracted by a shiny set of keys. The robot effects are nothing short of impressive, but with the price tag on this production they should be at the least. However movies are not simply pretty moving pictures. The story does matter, and that is why blockbusters are considered by many to be a joke.
Transformers is really no different from the blockbusters that have become easy cannon fodder either. Plot-holes and inconsistencies are usually considered a hindrance, but in a movie like Transformers the audience is supposed to accept the idea that taking the catalyst for the movie's battles into town to in affect endanger countless lives is a good plan. Not only that, but taking it by helicopter is safe or sensible when two of the most violent pursuers can easily fly faster and would be willing to shoot the helicopter down. All of the characters are shallow and sometimes superfluous. Look no further than Anthony Anderson's character for an example of a role that takes up time unnecessarily and is ultimately meaningless. In this case even a lead character in Optimus Prime is not fully developed. Much of what we know about him depends solely on preexisting knowledge of the franchise. For anyone else his nobility is simply to be taken at face value without much of a basis. When you see him bypass a crashing helicopter for the "allspark" (*cough*MacGuffin*cough*) it really makes all of the talk about protecting humans feel a little pretentious. Then again the very design of the robots in this movie are contradictory.
If the Autobots and Decepticons are supposed to be alien robots, their designs don't reflect that at all. The fact that Bumblebee has an engine is really absurd. He's not a car, he just needs to look like one to an outsider. Optimus Prime's face looks like it's constructed of truck parts when if he is meant to be a robot first and truck second he should just have a face...period. The same can be said for all of the robots (look at Blackout's hand in the close-up for example). Too much of their look is steeped in the technology of Earth when that really doesn't make any sense considering their origins. But that's only a part of the problem here. The real problem lies in the shitty cinematography and even lousier action. Fights in this movie look like scrap-metal tumbleweeds. A lot of what goes on is indecipherable nonsense that lasts all of seconds on-screen WHEN it actually is on-screen. Even the climatic final battle is rather anti-climatic.
In the end what you're left with is a ****-stain of formula right down to the awful Goo-Goo Dolls song that accompanies the ultra-implausible half-ass teen romantic-"comedy" that most of this movie centers around augmented by pro-militarism in the most idiotic and insipid way. Plenty of detail went into the SFX of the movie, but even that was misdirected. The story didn't receive half as much attention, and it wouldn't have taken 1/8 of the work and that is one of the key flaws. If effects were all that mattered then there really would be no such thing as a good or bad movie (and that goes double for the BS inclination toward "judging a movie for what it is"). Narrative is more important than the "whizz-bang" and "aint-that-cool" of special effects. One need look no further than a lower-tech classic of the genre like Aliens, or Terminator 2 to see my point. Comedy also shouldn't be so painfully transparent as that defeats the purpose of the joke. If you don't see that you probably like this movie. If that's the case then you should know that you're ****ing up the genre for the rest of us...