Irvine Welsh Tells Lies

Rating: Null/10 (18 December 2003)

`Hello. I'm Irvine Welsh and I claim to know all about drugs.' That's what Irvine Welsh would say if you met him, thinking that he was all cool and clever. Well if I met him he'd probably say something different. Oh yes, he'd say something very different indeed. Actually he'd probably call security like most celebrities do, or tell me to put some clothes on. However, I wouldn't listen because I'd denounce him for the fraud that he is. Here's why:
In his fantasy film (because that's what it is, a fantasy! Just like Mary Poppins, The Wizard of Oz or The Patriot!), a man called Renton tries to get off drugs by locking himself in a room with some cans of soup, some porno magazines and an old mattress. Oh yeah right!
Thanks to stupid Virgin Airways and their overly sensitive cabin staff, I've kind of adopted this Koala. For reasons beyond my control the Koala ate about £9000 worth of crack cocaine on a flight from Australia and somehow didn't die. Well I threw it in my parent's spare room with all the required components (as per that liar Irvine's instructions) and sat back waiting for it to go cold turkey. But guess what? It didn't work!
What did happen was my parent's cat (who I hadn't noticed was on the bed) got all jittery and, well, the RSPCA have been onto me again. Technically I did nothing wrong and it was that little Aussie crack-head that should be going to court and not me. But apparently the police around here don't arrest marsupials, or so the community welfare officer told me. Like I believe anything she or Irvine says anymore.
In summary, I quite enjoyed some bits in Train Spotting', like the bit at the beginning when Renton's saying, `Buy a car, buy a house, buy some gloves, watch some TV, eat some food, lay down, learn to swim, buy some cheese...' I thought that was quite useful information, but he soon stopped saying that. There was also a bit with a baby that got stuck in a gravity well, but that's all I can think of. The bits with the drugs seem very dated and out of touch with normal people's experience of narcotics, such as mine.
As I understand that taking drugs can sometimes be called chasing the dragon' I will use my dragon related marking system and give it only 9 points. That's 9 points less than the excellent Pete's Dragon' but a good 2 points more than Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. I would also like to stress that there are NO DRAGONS IN THIS MOVIE. Hear that Ang? That's called honesty.