Criminally Over-Rated Schwarzenegger Turkey. Removing the Urine from the Hollywood Mass Debaters.

Rating: 1/10 (22 February 2019)

I rented the abysmal 90's Total Recall based on the recommendation of a friend that it was, in his words, "The best science fiction movie I've ever seen." Obviously he hadn't seen too many because it wasn't science fiction at all but a B grade Hollywood action movie masquerading as science fiction. Thanks for nothing ass-hole (and that ain't cussing folks it actually means Donkey-Excavation) you robbed me of two hours of my life. I could not believe how bad this piece of crap was (Sir Thomas Crapper invented the toilet, and this film should have been flushed down one), the special effects, were cheap, unconvincing trash, the mutant make-up and prosthetics were cheap and plastic looking, and the ambiguity over whether Quaid was really a secret agent, or just experiencing a Rekall implanted fantasy was non-existent, (it's omnipotentcreatordamned Arnie, of course he's a secret agent, retards). The stupid exploding balloon heads were laughably bad, cheap crap, they just looked totally pathetic, and besides people don't explode when exposed to vacuum or low atmospheric pressue, this is just Hollywood bullsh*t (that's cussing, this sort of unbelievable trash in science fiction films pisses me off). Their heads nearly explode yet the characters are totally fine after breathing some very coveniently produced oxygen? In reality they would have suffocated, froze and been irradiated by solar radiation which bathes the surface of Mars due to its lack of a protective magnetosphere. And sticking red hot steel rods into ice would not produce oxygen, nor increase atmospheric pressure anyway, just make a hell of a lot of steam and water, which would boil away very quickly due to the low atmospheric pressure on Mars. Absolutely f**king ludicrous, mere words cannot convey just how much I hate and despise this movie. Afterwards I smashed it with a hammer and told the video store it had been stolen, as a humanitarian public service to any other poor proles that may have been tempted to waste their hard-earned cash renting it. It was quite cathartic and provided the only entertainment I got from this trash, and it most certainly improved the film 100% (Oh crap, I hope no-one from Blockbuster reads this review).
This faux "science fiction" movie was just truly and utterly awful in every aspect, and it is an unforgivable insult to science fiction and Philip K. Dick fans, as well as an example of the creative bankruptcy of the Hollywood film industry. This trash is considered a "Classic" and god knows how anyone with more than two brain cells could actually like this P.O.S. movie, obviously the brain-washed and the terminally brain-dead are easily impressed. The phrase Lowest Common Denominator comes to mind (I can totally picture Beavis and Butthead going "Hurhh, hurrh, hurhh, dude, like, that chick's got three boobs, awesome, hurrhh, hurrh, hurrh.").
Paul Verhoeven is a vastly over-rated director, the only example of an even worse "science fiction" film-maker that comes to mind would have to be Roland Emmerich. Verhoeven's only talent lies in making a big budget production like Totall Recall look like cheap B grade trash, even Ed Wood could have made a better movie than this for twenty bucks. Verhoeven made one half-decent film, the original Robocop (even if it was obviously right-wing, conservative propaganda masquerading as satire, that totally ripped off Judge Dredd). Everything else he has done is festering crap - Starship Troopers for example, yes we get it Paul, as you say on the commentary: fascism is a BAD THING. Although, Robert Heinlein was accused of espousing pro-fascist views in the Starship Troopers novel, and I think Verhoeven is lying, I think the film is decidedly PRO-FASCIST. Denise Richards should have been promptly executed by firing squad for numerous crimes against the acting profession, as should Hollywood film studio executives for heinous crimes against the cinematic art-form. Enjoy your squillions of dollars whilst you can female parent fornicators - Come the revolution(Shut up idiot, the first rule of Project Mayhem is you do not talk about Project Mayhem)first up against the wall.
To all the whingeing, whining, donkey-excavation, mass debaters who venerate the original craptacular Arnie starring Total Recall as a "Classic" whilst heaping scorn and condescension on the 2012 re-make (a far from good film, but actually much better than this garbage). Get over it and get a life non-winners (or grow a few more brain cells). Just like war mongering, camouflaged-fascist politics, sociopathic, exploitative corporations and money gouging, hate perpetuating religious institutions, Verhoeven's Total Recall is offensive in the extreme to all rational, free-thinking, intelligent life-forms. Avoid it if you actually appreciate intelligent science fiction cinema (and I don't mean mega-budget excrement like Star Wars, Star Trek, and Marvel superhero trash, those stinking pools of cinematic vomit aren't science fiction, they're fantasy). Even the mediocre Paycheck was better than Total Recall. Yet again Hollywood totally FUBAR Philip K. Dick's fiction, the most adapted science fiction author in the history of cinema. The Hollywood mass debaters should keep their slimy hands off the Dick. And come to think of it I can only recall two PKD adaptations that were actually any good: Blade Runner (not a faithful adaptation, but it's better than the novel), and A Scanner Darkly (the most faithful of all the PKD adaptations). Not to mention all the donkey-excavation film-makers who blatantly rip off PKD's themes in their films, for example - The Matrix. Memento. Dark City. Inception. The Prestige. Fight Club. Shutter Island. Sucker Punch (and don't get me wrong, aside from The Matrix which is just a badly written, badly acted, stupefyingly awful piece of crap, most of these weren't actually bad films at all, I enjoyed 'em but they should at least give credit where credit's due). The Urine Has Been Removed (Ask an Australian).
Total Recall blows the skin-flute big time. I just wish I could erase it from my memory.