Oscar for Corniest Dialogue?

Rating: Null/10 (23 June 1999)

Pity there's no Oscar for Corniest Dialogue. Think of 'I'm da kinga da world!', 'Jack, I'm flying!' and 'This is where we first met!'
The movie was carefully pitched: banal romance and Leo for 13-year old girls. The usual nods to the powerful Irish-American lobby, with British characters portrayed as unfeeling brutes. The cruel misrepresentation of First Officer Murdoch caused special anger here in Scotland. The impression was that the British had deliberately rammed the iceberg in order to drown the Irish steerage passengers. The Irish themselves were shown as lovable but empty-headed bumpkins jigging the night away in an Irish Theme Pub below decks. When disaster struck, they were completely helpless unless a Plucky, Resourceful American was available to save them.
To appeal to those middle-American teens and twentysomethings who feel uncomfortable if a movie isn't set in High School USA, Rose and Jack (characters from Saved by the Bell in period disguise) consummate their passion in the back of the only car for thousands of miles. So much for imagination: they had a whole ship to choose from, after all.
After I saw the film, the foyer was packed with weeping teens. I knew how they felt. (Why has DiCaprio chosen to name himself after a Ninja Turtle? Couldn't he pick something more up-to-date? Like a Teletubby? How about Dipsy DiCaprio?)
With the ship and the male lead both at the bottom of the Atlantic, how can James Cameron wangle a sequel?. Wait: in Lusitania, Rose (Kate Winslet) returns to England. During the journey, her rubber ring bursts and she is left floundering in the swimming pool. Luckily, she is rescued by the cabin boy. At first, she thinks she has been rescued by Jack. In fact, by an amazing coincidence, it's Jack's long-lost twin brother, Jim (Dipsy DiCaprio). They fall in love. The ship is torpedoed and sinks. Cue special effects.
Of course, the Lusitania was sunk by a German submarine, but I'm sure Cameron could find a way to make the British the villains, the Irish the helpless victims, and the wisecracking Americans the heroes.