SINK FASTER!!

Rating: Null/10 (12 July 2004)

As a lifelong holder of minority opinions, much of my time is spent baffled in wonderment as to how a seemly intelligent person could've paid good money to go see "The English Patient" twice during its original run. Or says "Love Story" is the greatest romantic movie ever made. Or who prefers the original "Ocean's Eleven" to the remake. And one of the biggest thorns in my side about movies is this piece of garbage which trivializes the catastrophe that was the sinking of the Titanic by making it a turbulent backdrop for a badly-derived Romeo and Juliet ripoff. Pretty boy Pauper sees Rich kid Rosie (or whatever her name was) and goes, "Dude, I have GOT to tap dat!" With a little help from Kathy Bates, he convinces her to slum it with him in the steam room in perhaps the most gratuitous sex scene that made lonely women go "Ohhhh..." in years. Then the boat sinks. Several thousand people die, but the REAL victim (says Cameron) is the girl because she must live on with the memory of that blond piece of ass she shagged on the boat. I think what pisses me off most about this movie (besides the fact that if the girl had scooted over on that bit of wood a little bit, she could've shared it with the man she supposedly loved. Or they could've taken turns in the water, but God forbid she get her dress wet) is the fact that the story really had nothing to do with the boat. They could've made up a fictional boat crash and it not only would've been more appropriate, but it would've made more sense. And that Celine Dion song? Maybe the worst I've heard since Art Garfunkel's "Bright Eyes." If I was being forced to patronize a stuck up right chick when all I wanted was to get under her corset AND listen to that damn song all the time, I'd be happy when the boat sank.