Big boat sinks

Rating: Null/10 (6 July 1999)

TITANIC ( rating * * out of 5 )
I fear I'm about to make myself highly unpopular with what follows, but I can only call 'em as I see 'em. Besides, being highly unpopular is such familiar territory for me and it just wouldn't be the same without the constant slings and pointed arrows.
From writer/director James (I'm king of the world) Cameron, comes this 200 million dollar purported epic that in my view only ever reaches the status of cubic zirconia.
But never fear, Hollywood will incestuously look after its own because any movie that costs the amount that could pull a third world South American country out of insolvency and destitution, is guaranteed to win eleven Academy Awards - Oscars for categories like, The Most Times Actors Say, "No! This Way." - The Most Soggy Extras and The Best Motion Picture Where The Male Lead Is Snubbed For A Nomination.
This unfortunate male lead is none other than Leonardo Di Caprio who possesses all the rugged good-looks of a fourteen year old pimple-cream model. But it's not all bad news for Leo because he has perfected the art of being a pipsqueak while painting chubby actresses in the nude - poor old Kate Winslet's dress was so tight around the torso that the hunky Leo had to use solvent to get it off.
Rose DeWitt (Kate Winslet), is engaged to the jerk millionaire, Cal Hockley (Billy Zane). Cal gives her a priceless necklace that has some significance later on as a wrinkly Rose tells the story which is seen in flashback.
Anyway, Rose meets Jack (Leonardo Di Caprio), as she attempts suicide and the couple are instantly attracted (in Rose's case, as much as someone who is attempting suicide can be). The pair eventually fall in love, the ship hits an iceberg, the ship sinks, the ship becomes famous and we are subjected to this hideously expensive, self-important and time-consuming movie (I had to pause halfway through to bake some muffins as not to suffer the effects of malnutrition).
However, I did give this movie two stars and that was for the special effects. To be fair, they were pretty good. As a mass of brave stunt-personnel tumbled into the icy water, I did get the sense of what the chaos and hysteria must have been like on that fateful night in 1912 - reminiscent of lunch-time crowds around the all-you-can-eat desert bar at Sizzler.
In a nutshell, this film is a love story between Jack and Rose that never rises above soap-opera melodramatics. After an hour and a half of this kissy kissy nonsense, I found myself participating in open prayer thanking the Almighty for his very timely iceberg.
What possibly could warrant so much money and effort? Certainly not a piece of Hollywood trivia that tells us nothing about the Titanic that we didn't already know.
If I've missed the point, then to all of you 'Titanic' devotees I sincerely apologize. But, if I'm right, then you have all been the victims of Hollywood and its intricate network of propaganda.