Something amiss...

Rating: 4/10 (10 March 2001)

I understand why every Dick and Jane on the planet liked this, but why did the critics give it such good reviews? I mean, it is not, contrary to popular opinion, the worst movie ever made (although, yes, it may be the most overhyped, although The Matrix and Star Wars: Episode 1 are huge contenders). It is merely bad. There are very few things to like in this film. Technically, it succeeds to a point. I really did believe that I was watching a real ship sink (well, since the model built by Cameron for the film was just barely a model and more a full-sized ship, it ought to look real!). Some of the CGI was terrible, though. The people falling from the boat were so obviously digitally created that I laughed a bit. The writing is extraordinarily weak. Dialogue is just as bad. Everything that happened in the film, which takes over 3 hours, can easily be related on a cocktail napkin. The worst part about it has to be the acting. Kate Winslet has actually been good, elsewhere, but here she has nothing to work with. DiCaprio is bad. There's no saving him - his career, much like that of a boy band, is going down the toilet as I type (he's starting to gain weight and get greasy like Marlon Brando did - this sort of right is only reserved for actors of Brando's status, so stop it now, Leo!). Billy Zane is awful, too, but it is mostly that his part is so insubstantial.
So do you believe in payolas? It's beginning to make me curious that such obviously bad films as Titanic, American Pie, and The Matrix all got rave reviews from critics. All three of the films were abominations. And you may ask, what does it matter if a critic reviews it well? I don't care about their opinion! Not true, my friend. Even if your insecurities tell you that critics are unimportant, you always secretly feel victory when the consensus is for a film you really like. Therefore, there are no guilty feelings after you have enjoyed something like Titanic so much. Instead, you feel for a fading second that, yes, you are part of high culture. You understand art. BLAH! It's all just sinister psychology working its claws over simple minds.
And for those of you who absolutely despise this film, I can guess your favorite pictures: Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, and, of course, The Matrix. Well, you people should actually begin to learn what REAL film is. Rent A Night to Remember, the best film about the Titanic's sinking. It is not the greatest film ever made, but it is great.