Dead in the water

Rating: 2/10 (9 April 2001)

An interviewer recently asked Woody Allen why he doesn't attend the Academy Awards presentation. "Those people give Oscars to films like Titanic," he replied.
Other than The Biggest Show on Earth, Titanic is probably the worst film ever to receive a best picture Oscar. Sure, a godzillion people went to see it and took in more money than do most small nations, but that doesn't mean it's good or even watchable. Independence Day and Wild, Wild West both made scads of money and both stunk to high heaven.
The damn boat does not start to sink until an hour and a half into the movie and when it does, the film shifts to level of awfulness that is eclipsed only by the stunningly unbelievable slop that comprises its first half. What can you say about a picture that focuses obsessively on capturing the look of the ship's interior, the clothing of the passengers, even the dinnerware off of which the passengers eat, yet completely flubs the actual story of the sinking? James Cameron obviously did not believe that the loss at sea of the most famous ship of the 20th century presented an interesting enough story to modern (American), so he proceeded to distort the historical record with his own purely fictional dramatic flourishes. As huge water cannon hose down those expensive sets, he gooses up the drama by staging a gunfight in the first class lounge. This occurs after 1) Kate saves Leo from certain drowning by applying an ax to the handcuffs that chain him to a water pipe (ironic, huh?) 2) the two jointly rescue an abandoned waif inexplicably separated from its momma 3) Kate tells her upper class snob boyfriend to stuff it because she'd prefer drowning with Leo to a seat next to him in a lifeboat.
Very climatic.
The film does provide some great camp moments, for example when Kate presents to her insensitive beast fiance a little bauble she's picked up in Montmartre, Picasso's The Desmoiselles d'Avignon (hey, didn't this go down with the ship?). And when the big vessel is about to slide into the freezing North Atlantic, Kate gets weepy and nostalgic as she hangs for dear life off the stern, "Jack, this is where we first met!"
The ending is ludicrous and not only because there are survivors
If you want to view a GOOD movie about the Titanic, try A Night to Remember or even the Barbara Stanwyck version, both from the 1950's. Both made for less than 150 million bucks each, even adjusted for inflation. Imagine.

2* (one for Kathy Bates, the other for Billy Zane's fab toupee) out of 10*.