It Took Me 7 Years to Get Through Titanic! My Review!

Rating: Null/10 (21 December 2004)

An Open Letter to 20th Century Fox, James Cameron, Leonardo de Caprio and Kate Winslet:
Dear Production Company, Sirs and Neato Breast Package:
I am writing you to notify you that I have finally finished watching Titanic after repeated attempts over the past 7 years to watch it. It took approximately 23-30 separate cracks at viewing it, right where I left off to complete this task. I know that this might seem an overly long time to view all 194 minutes but I assure you the task was accomplished as fast as I possibly could. If you wouldn't mind terribly I have a few comments that may or may not be helpful to anyone reading this:
* I really loved the 15 minutes of present day Rose talking to the diving crew (Bill Paxton and Suzy Amis) that appeared throughout the movie. I found everyone in those segments to be amazingly brilliant actors, and the scenes heartwarming, poignant and emotionally beautiful. * If you stopped right there it would have been a great masterpiece. * The choice to ruin such a wonderful movie short with 189 minutes of purely agonizing, torturous hell no doubt had a significant upwards impact on the suicide / murder rate of 1997. * I think I speak for everyone on this - if you killed Leonardo de Caprio in the opening credits even that would have been too much face time. * In the Director's cut DVD, even if Kate Winslet's nudey scene replaced 185 minutes of the 189 minutes of agony, it wouldn't have been enough of an apology for the remaining pain inflicted upon the audience. * In the ending credits Kevin Owers was mistakenly listed as Steward #3. He was actually Steward #4. Mark Capri was Steward #3. Only an imbecile would have made such a silly gaffe as Kevin and Mark look quite different. * Not even five minutes into watching it, I've never rooted so hard for an iceberg in all my life. * Never did I understand why there is a 7 day waiting period to purchase a firearm until the 12th attempt at watching Titanic. * The movie might have been a lot better if Leonardo pushed Kate off the railing in the "King of the World scene" and the whole thing played out as a murder mystery with a British cast actor playing the inspector. * Leonardo de Caprio was in the movie. WHY?! If you hate us so much why don't you just make a Death Ray Laser and blow up the world. Make the pain go away you $%#@!er! * A mime could have done a better job with a halogen light, water-filled bath tub, rubber ducky and a toaster. And more people would have liked it even though it was done by a mime. * There was a distinct lack of blood sucking zombies in the movie. Except for Leonard de Caprio. Actually he didn't really suck, that would have required talent and effort... * For $200 million dollars you really skimped on the iceberg, Cameron. It should have been much bigger. A chihuahua could have been hit by that thing and come away without a limp. * Celine Dion would have been most affective as Frozen Bobbing Corpse #35 instead of letting her sing! * You forgot to put a camera in the car! You're useless you know that? * Leonardo de Craprio was in the movie. You *bleep!*ers
Hopefully you found some of this feedback worth reading.
Sincerely, Vincent B. Navarino Owner/Operator of the Navarino Unincorporated.com website
PS. Immediately after completing my 7 year quest to complete your god awful movie I taped over it with WB's Gilmore Girls.