Sea-bound hi-jinx!

Rating: Null/10 (12 June 2002)

Titanic is the (never-ending) story of Jack Dawson (Leonardo DeCaprio), a wicked, godless, and decidedly catty gambler determined to kill his way into bed with Rose Bukater (Kate Winslet). When the ship they are voyaging on tragically sinks during the middle of their voyage, killing thousands of innocent people in one of the world's most tragic tragedies, hilarious hi-jinks ensue!
Jack Dawson gambles and wins tickets onto the Titanic, and remarks upon how lucky he is. It is here that he meets Rose. Jack saves her life, they fall in love, Jack remarks upon how lucky he is. Jack meets all the rich people in the whole wide world; some like him, some don't, he remarks upon how lucky he is. Jack draws Rose naked then proceeds to Americanize her by having passionless and unprotected sex with her in the back of a car. Then Jack gets arrested and the boat sinks and he finds himself drowning in the moderately chilly Atlantic Ocean. Our snotsicle-covered hero proceeds to tell Rose all this stuff about love and life, which is valuable information to hear from a 20-24 year old penniless vagabond who is about to freeze, drown, and die (of melodrama) in the North Atlantic Ocean. Rose considers dying with Jack, lets Jack die, then proceeds to have a series of zany and altogether wonderful adventures through the rest of her fabulously comfortable days on Earth. When meditating on her dead lover, she shrugs and says, `Well(pause)...I guess I liked him.'
Although Titanic is fraught with historical inaccuracies (the real Titanic can still be viewed today at dock in London's Docklands), I think that the reason this movie received unanimously negative reviews is because of the absolutely atrocious performance from Billy Zane, in the role of Caledon `Cal' Hockley. Covered in makeup that makes him look like an escapee from the set of To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar, Zane spends his time throughout the movie saying bizarre and disturbing things, then looking to the left while shuffling away. Let me tell you, his acting is excruciating. It is so horrible, that local legend has it that Stevie Wonder said upon exiting the premiere, `I wish I had eyes that I could stab out'.
Really excruciating stuff. Avoid at all costs.