Titanic: the parody

Rating: 3/10 (11 June 2016)

This film is so full of absurdities and clichés that it is to all the previous Titanic films what "Airplane" is to the "Airport" saga and "Blazing Saddles" is to the Western genre. The unhappy high society girl goes down to third-class deck although it is out of bounds for her. She wants to jump overboard, but she is stopped by a happy-go-lucky nobody with no future and with nothing to his name but the clothes he is wearing on. As a reward he is invited by Hockley to dine fist-class with the jet-set so they can make fun of his lack of education and manners. But he gets along without making too much of a fool of himself, and charms everyone around the table but stiff Hockley and Rose's toff horrid mother. But bored to death from so many starched collars, small talk and no being able to scratch his bum,belch or pick his nose, Jack eventually sneaks away with Rose to a merry party down in third-class where one can swear, spit, get plastered on cheap beer, belch, fart and throw up until they fall flat on their faces. The next day a self-confident and jolly Jack enters the out-of-bounds territory of first class again looking for Rose, greets Mr Andrews like and old mate and trots along without being bothered at all. Although he sticks out like a sore thumb no one seems to notice him. Feel yourself at home, laddie, just don't take a leak in the flower vases, that's all. He is only stopped when he tries to disrupt a solemn religious service. That is the only one thing that cannot be tolerated by any means. Randy Rose asks Jack to draw her naked, and he does so while maintaining his coolness and concentrating seriously on his work as she lies there displaying all her jewels. But instead of banging her in the luxurious comfort of her private chamber they go down to the hull???... Meanwhile Hockley the Wally finally realises that his girl is bending over for that miserable third-class gutter rat, and boy, that drives him bananas. Then the ship bumps into an iceberg because the two idiotic sailors on watch duty are far more interested on the antics of the two horny kids rather than on doing the job they are being paid for in the first place. Here we go then: the unsinkable Titanic commences to sink and the movie finally takes off after 90 minutes of utter boredom. Mr Andrews rushes to the officers' room to deliver his diagnosis, and now there comes the most hilarious scene in the film. As Andrews states that the ship is already dead, company president Ismail almost has an apoplexy. You see his face, with his eyes almost popping out, his choking cry of "But that is impossible! This ship cannot sink!!" He is babbling in disbelief, his blood pressure rocketing up to the verge of a coronary, spit flying out of his mouth And Andrews turns to him -you can almost see his eyes rolling "I built her, sir. She's made of iron. It can sink, and I assure you it will" And that shuts Ismail up for good. So, now they've got just two hours to get out of there. First-class people go first, of course, since they are the ones who paid more for being here in the first place. Second-class will go after if still there is time. As to third-class well, we just learn now that the lifeboats have a full capacity for only half of the people on board, 700 of which are third-class rubble. Well, officers, you know the procedures: women and children first, and no paupers jumping the queue or you'll be fired. And then, if there is still time and a few empty places left, well just chuck a few ragamuffins into the boats and then save yourselves. And good luck. A third-class ticket for the Titanic did cost the equivalent to 1,500 euros in today's money, and a first-class cost 115,000. So you were treated accordingly to what you paid for, as simple as that. Although time is running out Hockley keeps his hair on, confident that he will buy his way out with a thick wad of notes in the last minute, but meanwhile he is about to play his last villainy: accusing poor old Jack of stealing the mother of all diamonds, and to do that he relies on the faithful assistance of his devoted butler. Nasty Lovejoy frames Jack and has him handcuffed deep below so that he will drown quicker. But stubborn Rose, in an almost superhuman feat that will have feminist radicals raving, sets him free, they get back to deck and try to board a boat. The outraged Hockley, now on the verge of an apoplexy,chases them with a gun in a comical sequence that culminates with another ridiculous line "I put the diamond in the coat and I put the coat on her!" The ship finally sinks into history, but the pair of randy doves manage to stay afloat. Now, the water is freezing and no one can survive in it for more than half an hour at the most. Yet Jack seems to last for hours long after everyone else floating around have succumbed to hypothermia. But eventually he dies too, because the story was meant to be a tearjerker in the first place. Miraculously enough, Rose, despite wearing her soaking clothes on all night, survives without even getting a cough (!!!)