Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Ship sinks.

Rating: Null/10 (2 January 1999)

Hi, my name is Slim and I just saw a movie that cost enough to keep me and all my inbred cousins supplied with hooch and chips until the next millennium. We are talking big bucks here, so many millions that it makes even me drool. And here's the kicker: the plot of the movie can be summed up in about a dozen words. Poor boy and rich girl meet. They fall in love. Ship sinks. Some folks say there's all this other stuff about man vs. nature and man and technology and man and the haves and haves not, but all that stuff is about 15 minutes out of the 3 1/2 hours the film takes. So it doesn't really count. You know by now I'm talking about Titanic, made by the same guy who gave us the greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger flick ever made, Terminator, by James Cameron. Well, this time around Jimmy boy decides to make a movie where everyone knows the ending, so he can use all his creative juices and tons of dollars from who knows where to build a 3/4 size replica of the ship. None of those miniatures for Jimmy boy, oh no he wants the real thing. So we got lots of nice shots of the ship sailing in the ocean, shots from above and to the side and above and from the side and oh hell you've seen one you've seen them all. Too bad whenever the shots go into the ship and onto the ship and show what is going on you realize you've seen all that before also. As I said, everyone knows what happens to the ship. And to most of the people on it. Not much suspense here. We got rich folks strolling about, with the women wearing these hats that could be used as landing fields for seagulls; we got teeming masses of humanity dancing and drowning, but not at the same time; we got lust and the two backed beast between the poor boy and rich girl; we got lots of people going swimming against there wishes in the dark and cold ocean; we got the star of the show sinking and sinking and sinking, but being brought back to life by the wonders of modern day technology. Three stars. Check it out but only if you like big ships and tear jerking love stories.
El Monte Slim