Thor the Bor

Rating: 4/10 (18 November 2013)

Though I'm a devoted fan of SciFi, video games, fantasy and anime, I've always felt like an undernourished geek because I missed the superhero/comic book fan gene—especially when the genre can produce something as seductive as "The Dark Knight." Watching "Thor: The Dark World 3D," however, has cured me of any residual shame in my belief that comic book stories are more cartoonish than cartoons. This movie is just a comic book with lots of frames, and not a good one at that: poorly directed, badly written: "I believe fate has brought us together." Argh! 'Kiss' had more subtle makeup. The storyline disintegrates like English cow patties under a cave golem: before there was even light in the universe there were the Dark Elves. Despite this implausibility, is that why they're called Dark Elves? With the war (over what again?) lost, along with their "aether" (OK—the aether graphics are cool), being some cosmic evil essence, I think, supposedly to be hidden so thoroughly that no one would ever find it—"ever" lasting only until Natalie Portman accidentally falls through a rabbit hole to trip over this most unfindable object on a pedestal under a spotlight. Acting OK but even Natalie Portman is lackluster and unbelievable in this kind of movie, a 'superhero (god, whatever) defeats (insert evil dude here) who wants to destroy the universe', crash bang kapow story we've heard and seen way too many times. Oh, and destroy a major metropolis in the process—any will do, as long as there are identifiable landmarks to pulverize—the destruction of which is as gratuitous as Thor delicately dabbing himself shirtless at the holy water fount, not that we're complaining. Sorry, Thor, while we appreciate your saving the nine realms and sterilizing London, it's just not going to work out—though your mother likes her, Natalie's got to be pushing 40 and you're over 5,000, you're an Odinist, she's Episcopalian poor deity—palace annihilated, bossed by father, his mother and brother murdered, knocked about by Dark Creatures—but nothing gives the god of thunder even a grunt of discomfort but the repeated bitch slappings of the physicist scorned I resolve to never see another one of these again— hopefully because they stop making them.