Wolverine in an out-dated James Bond flick

Rating: 1/10 (5 December 2013)

At the end of World War 2, Wolverine was held captive in a Japanese POW camp where he saved a young solider named Yashida. In the process, Yashida witnessed Wolverine's ability to withstand physical trauma and quickly heal from it. Flash forward to the present where Wolverine is hiding out in the far North and being haunted by the events that took place in X-Men 3. It is here that Yukio, a mutant with the ability to foresee people's deaths, tracks Wolverine down and convinces him to go back to Japan with her.
X-Men was a solid, well-made super-hero film and set the standard for all future Marvel comic book adaptations to live-up to. X-Men 2 (aka X2 and X-Men United) took on a story with multiple plots that almost seemed too much for a single film to handle, yet somehow director Bryan Singer was able to pull it off. Thanks to Brett Ratner, one of the most hated directors in Hollywood, the X-Men film franchise almost lost all of it's credibility thanks to X-Men 3 (aka X-Men: The Last Stand). The third film was a complete mess that is best forgotten, and thankfully it's events will be erased next year with X-Men: Days Of Future Past. The next film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, took everyone's favorite on-screen mutant to new lows. Wolverine went from a real, gritty anti-hero to a cartoonish action star. While Wolverine's backstory had excellent potential to become it's own trilogy, screenwriters David Benioff and Skip Woods proved to be unworthy of adapting the source material. If the screenplay wasn't bad enough, director Gavin Hood's choices to bring the script to life were all wrong. Over-the-top, laughable action sequences with special effects that were a decade behind their time.
Thankfully director Matthew Vaughn brought hope back to the X-Men films with X-Men: First Class. Vaughn's prequel not only gave new life to the series, with an excellent new cast, it surpassed the greatness of any of the previous X-Men films. When it was announced Darren Aronofsky was attached to direct The Wolverine, the hype became almost impossible for any film to live-up to. When Aronofsky dropped out, Twentieth Century Fox replaced the acclaimed director with James Mangold. Mangold may not have allure of Aronofsky but he does have some Oscar winning titles under his belt, such as Girl, Interrupted and Walk The Line. However his career took a turn for the worse with his last film, the Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz disaster, Knight and Day, which tried to be an action-comedy but instead was annoyingly unbearable to sit through. Mangold had a chance to make-up for Knight and Day with The Wolverine but has failed miserably.
The Wolverine sheds the cartoonish action of X-Men Origins and brings back the gritty anti-hero. Only now Wolverine is more depressed than angry. The film is darker and hints at becoming a character study but is interrupted by a plot from an out-dated James Bond film. Meanwhile Wolverine is being haunted by nightmares of Jean Grey, something that only becomes more and more irritating as the film moves forward. These dream sequences are also a constant reminder of the film we've all tried hard to forget, X-Men 3.
There is more story than action but we find ourselves wanting to see Wolverine in-action instead of wandering around Tokyo sad and wounded. Too much is explained in areas of the story that we do not care about, or are not necessary, while the things we want explained never are. When we finally do get the action we've been waiting for it plays out more like an R-rated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Aside from Hugh Jackman and Famke Janssen, everyone in this film lacks the ability to act or speak understandable English. The special effects are as bad as X-Men Origins and the action/fight sequences lack any tension or excitement. What makes matters worse is that we already know X-Men: Days Of Future Past is going to erase the events of this film, so in the end, we have no reason to actually care what happens.
The Wolverine, at it's best, is boring. It makes X-Men Origins look like the action epic it tried to be. The only redeemable thing about this entire production is that one day it will be a great film to throw on and make fun of with your friends at how horrible it truly is.