The Movie That Made Me Terrified of Goats: The Witch

Rating: 7/10 (11 May 2017)

I am a grown ass man who likes his steaks rare, whiskey straight, and gets beat up for fun. And this movie made me sleep with the lights on. Straight up I turned the lights off, laid down on the couch and almost immediately turned them back on. This movie made me feel like a little kid alone in the grocery store, at night, surrounded by werewolves. I will never look at a goat the same way ever again, and I will never, ever play peek-a-boo again. This is horror at its creepiest and best, but it is not for everyone. This movie is slow with few jump scares, and the dialogue is an old English that is hard to understand so you might want the subtitles on. If you can get by those bumps, then buckle yourself down for one hell of a creepy ride.
The movie is about a colonial family somewhere in New England in the 1630s. The family is exiled from the settlement for the fathers religious views, forcing them to move out into the wilderness on their own. They are able to set up a farm a few days ride from the settlement, and things seem to be going OK, but there is something horribly wrong with the farm, and the family. A missing child, a make shift exorcism, and many, many pull-out-your-hair tense scenes later and you reach the end of the marathon of scares. And holy sh*t I never want to be alone in the dark again. The ending is deeply horrifying and is a great pay off to the slowly building tension that has been ever-present throughout the entire movie.
The star is the lead actress, who is on the rise after starring in this and in M. Night Shamalamadingdong's excellent Split. She plays the eldest child, at 14-16 years old. This will cause serious issues with you over 18-year-old guys because she is absolutely gorgeous, but do not worry. She was 18 during production so your only a little creepy, but you know not pedophile creepy. She carries the movie as she is target of the paranoia and superstition that takes over the family. However, maybe the best scene is a make shift exorcism scene. Without spoiling much, the family thinks one of the kids is obsessed; and my god the kid gives Linda Blair a run for her money for best exorcism. It is brutal and made me uncomfortable and scarred in all the right ways.
This movie perfectly captures abject terror and the uncanny feeling that makes even the simplest shot of a forest scary. Within minutes you'll be uncomfortable and feel a chill go down your spine. And you will have no idea why. This movie scares you to the core without loud noises, cheap tricks, or overly gory violence. If you do not mind a slow burn, and like to feel your horror deep inside and not just a loud jump then I cannot recommend this movie enough. Just check out the trailer, and if that doesn't scare you then you are more man than I am.