The Positive Reviews Are an Enigma

Rating: 2/10 (18 May 2020)

This film has already been branded "a horror film for cinephiles," which is a way for the so-called cinephiles to elevate themselves - in their own minds - to a status of mental superiority and diminishing those of us who, despite having an avid love for film, also have an aversion to the term.
The Witch is nothing special. It's nothing enjoyable, nothing memorable, and nothing that's worth revisiting at any point in the future. What began as a promising movie missed the mark entirely. It's in the same vein as the 2020 film The Turning: it set up a concept that had potential, and completely blew it with the execution.
This movie was so painfully boring that every passing minute felt like torture. This story could've been engaging and truly suspenseful but, by the time the movie decides to actually do something with itself, it's too late. An audience will lose investment in a film's plot and characters if nothing happens for an extended period of time, and this movie excelled at that, offering a story that, even in its non-horror-centric plot points, couldn't be even mildly entertaining enough to hold interest. This movie is best served as background noise, because ultimately it's not worth much else.
To pick positives to point out about this film would be the beautiful cinematography, the decent acting and the costuming. It truly does look like a period piece, which would be extremely interesting were it not for the fact that the film is so bland and so unconcerned with keeping the attention of the audience that it's a chore to sit through. Catch this one if it's on TV, but it's not worth the price of admission to purchase or even rent.
I can already feel the cinephiles preparing to descend upon this review and mark it "not helpful" for a conflicting opinion, which will only further showcase my point. This isn't some film for people of higher intelligence; it's a cure for insomnia and a lesson in the history of filmmaking failure.