Guys... This Movie Isn't Good

Rating: 2/10 (7 December 2016)

Why are terrible horror films being critically acclaimed like they're essential viewing for fans of "genuine horror?" "Crimson Peak" was horrible. Felt like a personal betrayal from Guillermo Del Toro for eating talented actors and having them do nothing for 2 hours. "It Follows" is another example. That movie had no genuine tension, no earned scares and the execution fell short of its promising concept. Unfortunately, "The Witch" or VVITCH is another example of that.
I admire what debut director Robert Eggers was trying to do here, and I can also appreciate the serious time and effort I know he put into this film, with Old English dialogue and great cinematography with impressive compositions. But once again, the execution is just wrong.
The film focuses on a family that's banished from their village but God knows why (I know there's a reason, but I'll elaborate on this in a few) and after they begin to live in the woods, some strange supernatural things begin to happen and the main daughter (played pretty well by Anya Taylor-Joy) starts being accused of being a witch by her own family. This could lead to very interesting things, since the concept really is a very interesting one. I've written many essays and research papers about the Salem Witch Trials and the whole topic of witchcraft always catches my attention. But nothing happens.
What we are subjected to are long scenes that have "dark and brooding" music when you're just looking at trees a majority of the time, moments that don't really further the plot and a handful of creepy images that after a while become trite and eye-rolling rather than evoking a reaction from the audience. There was a scene where the mother is having her breast eaten by a crow while she laughs and instead of being disturbed, I was joining her laughter by doubling over and holding my stomach in pain over how ridiculous the image was. The movie actually depends on the music for instilling a feeling of terror and tension, and that is not good. Same thing happened with Mickey Keating's "Darling" and that movie was a travesty.
When I said the family is banished from their land for "God knows why," I only said that because I swear, you cannot understand a single word any of the characters say; you seriously just have to hope to get the context of the scene to follow what's going on. It's not the Old English dialogue that's confusing, but it's the father's gruff mumbling, the mother's near-constant screaming, the children screaming, the main actress crying and the son just being annoying.
I'm telling you, the high praise this movie has gotten is just for the fact that people haven't seen a movie like this in forever and they've been sick of found-footage horror movies and anything produced by Blumhouse Productions. This is not a good movie. It's a thorough waste of time and should only be watched if you want to see how many times you can roll your eyes during a film. Good try.
P.S: Black Phillip (the goat) does nothing until the very end. The critic that said he's "the most powerfully eerie animal presence in recent movie memory" is a moron.