You will go through so many emotions while watching The Witch

Rating: 2/10 (22 April 2016)

What was scary about this movie? Maybe I should say a bunny rabbit... Or a goat... Perhaps an old naked granny? I know: it was the LANGUAGE! You just can't understand the half of it even if you are a native speaker. I hope that the actor who plays the father will beat that throat cancer. Wait, you mean he wasn't ill? Damn, he fooled me! Well, call me strange, but if you tell me that something is a horror movie, I really expect it to look like one. But, this was... I think I'll go with "strange Christian drama with the elements of pure boredom". Yup, that's it. This is a story of a very dysfunctional family who basically don't even know why they decided to live together. They just don't like each others (parents hate their children, children hate other children and animals hate their owners). And they live secluded because other villagers hate them all. Well, at least a brother enjoys watching under his sister's shirt - you can consider that as some liking. They pray when they are alone, or together, during dinners, when walking... OK, so they pray a lot. And they live close to the woods. Sometimes it gets dark outside. And it can be very cloudy. Maybe a little too cloudy and mysterious? And whose footprints are these? Are you scared yet? Yeah, me too. If I have to pick one scene that really stands out, then it has to be the moment when the kid gets lucky with hot Red Riding Hood. Well, I can only guess that, but he was nude in the next scene, so... Right on, my man! At least, the ending was pointless and laughable. Oh, right, that's not a good thing. Nevertheless, I decided to give it 2 stars. Why? Because I'm a generous guy. Go watch It Follows or As Above So Below if you want some recent descent horror movie. Leave The Witch where it belongs - with Hansel and Gretel.