Like a nightmarish bedtime story

Rating: 8/10 (17 April 2018)

From the moment the film begins, you're trapped in a spider web of dread.
This is the tale of a deeply religious English pilgrim family who is exiled from their community, and made to start over alone in the countryside with nothing. From there, things go from bad to worse. That's all I should tell you about plot.
For right now, let's talk about the overall aesthetic of the movie.
"The Witch" is one of the most deliriously gorgeous films I've ever seen, owing most to its impeccable direction and production design. This is a movie that could potentially unseat "Eraserhead" as the most atmospherically bleak, unsettling, tense, and hopeless film ever (okay, at least for me). The experimental, string-based score ropes everything together -- deafening crescendos are shuffled with uneasy undertones and moments of paralyzing silence. The acting is excellent on all fronts; my only slight complaint being Ralph Ineson's overall diction, which seemed forced at times and occasionally muddled his line delivery.
But for all intents and purposes, this is an incredible movie. The reason for my 8/10 and not any higher is because it just isn't accessible to most people. Despite its stunning design and direction, many will be left unsatisfied or feeling stupid because they feel like they don't "get it." Probably like you, I hate movies that make me feel stupid. When I saw "The Witch" in theaters when it first came out, I felt stupid. I thought the movie was terrifying, but I felt stupid.
After a rewatch two years later, I finally understood why it's so scary, and why none of us should feel stupid, whether you've already seen it or not. I'll explain.
This is a movie that has been lambasted for being "slow," "boring," and having little to no discernible plot or explanation. While the film is admittedly a slow burn, you have to be prepared for what you're getting into. The hint is in the movie's subtitle: "A New England Folktale." That's exactly what this is -- it's a period piece, and a culmination of extensive research into the behaviors and speech of 17th century settlers in New England (look for an interview with director Robert Eggers with the British Film Institute). Much of the script is in an early-modern dialect, which can be confusing at times. Some of the themes could initially be dismissed as laughable; for example, the idea of a witch stealing an infant being both fathomable and deeply horrifying.
It's easy to see why many wouldn't be engaged by this movie beyond its production qualities. But we mustn't forget -- this is the era of Puritans and the Salem trials.
Let's get some context.
The correct mindset to watch this film in is thinking about it as an experience similar to reading "Macbeth" in high school. The cool thing about early-modern literature is that we all experienced it the same way -- whether we're currently 18 or 80, we all read that play in high school and were probably initially bored by it, despite understanding its importance. It's something that we imagine was probably terrifying and original a few hundred years back, but today seems stale. In truth, it was the written/oral product of King James I's obsession and fear of demonology and witchcraft. It was the real deal back then.
Meanwhile, the Puritans are settling in New England because they don't think the Anglo-Catholics are taking God seriously enough. The seed of witch hysteria across the Atlantic is planted, and we all know how things go in Salem.
The United States wasn't introduced to Shakespeare until the 1800s, long after this time period. But if they could've read/seen it, would "Macbeth" had been scary to the deeply religious Puritans? Maybe. What if they could experience a terrifying folktale as we experience movies today in the 21st century? Would they run screaming?
Today's horror films that are watchable mostly use (or at least attempt to use) original ideas and themes. "The Witch" isn't that. It's a folktale. It's written and shot like one. This isn't "It Follows;" there is no deep, allegorical connection to be made. It's a bedtime story told to impressionable little children by candlelight.
Dark folktales are never exactly masterpieces of plot and thematic structure, and this movie isn't one either. It has a very simple plot that isn't very scary (at least by modern standards). What's scary is the way it's delivered. Don't go into this movie like you're a snob and grasping at straws to develop "hidden meanings" or whatever. If you're really into film, this is probably ingrained in you whether you like it or not. Get rid of it before watching this. There is no hidden meaning to this film. It's not pretentious -- you're just thinking too hard.
Relish in the atmosphere. Go where the film takes you, even if it's confusing or nonsensical. It's okay to be confused. Being confused can be scary and uneasy. The monster under the bed is scarier if you don't know why it's there or where it came from.
Experience this movie in complete darkness and with the best possible sound system.