What if Puritans wrote Country-Western music?

Rating: 7/10 (25 February 2016)

So, imagine a world where movies that make you feel good actually exist in the form of a drug. So, like, in a typical ED, you might hear someone shout -- "Damn it! They watched 'Mr. Holland's Opus' right after 'Love Actually'!" or "We got another 'Scott Pilgrim' cut with 'But I'm A Cheerleader'! Get a cart!" Are you imagining that? Okay, good. So, since the feel-happy movie drug exists and can be overused, there exists the need for an antidote, a "Shawshank Redemption" naloxone.
"The Witch" is that movie. It telegraphs its intentions to chew up your soul like gas station beef jerky early in the film, and it makes good on that promise, and then some. Not only does it violate the horror movie casualty taboos, it gets those out of the way early on so it can move on to the meaty center of your desire to live in this world any longer. It borrows more than one actor from the "Game of Thrones" crew, and I can easily imagine them wrapping the project with relief so they can get back to their wacky, more family-friendly adventures in Westoros.
(Also, if I were the devil in this situation, I would have gone a much more efficient route. Teenagers take forever. I'd go with a much more goat-heavy portfolio. #teamgoat #itatleastmademefeellikeagoodparentthough )