A Festering Pustule on the Pubescent Face of Cinema (Spoilers like you wouldn't believe!)

Rating: Null/10 (27 August 2004)

So, did anyone else come out of The Village completely disappointed and swirling with "black rage"? Well, I'll tell you one thing, we did. And we're ready to lash out at anyone or anything that moves, breathes, or looks at all animated. This movie was quite boring. I know I often found myself checking my watch, even though I forgot to bring it and then sighing at my watchband tan line and wishing for the end. But, like a good fan, I thought, "Shyamalan has come through for me in the past. I'm sure he'll find a way to pick up the pace of this and I'll be blown away by some crazy surprise ending!" But my hopes were for naught. Oh, there was a surprise ending, all right, but definitely not a riveting surprise. Frankly, the plot was hackneyed, the "monsters" made me laugh out loud in the theater (can anyone say 'chupacabra'?), and the squealing women just made me want to stab my ears out, and not in a good, scary way. Not to mention the fact that no one, given modern technology and dialects, could pull off living in the woods with no modern luxuries and not go insane. It's impossible, I'm sorry.
Okay, and let's talk, for a moment, about Joaquin Phoenix. I was sorely disappointed by the lack of "The Phoenix", as we've dubbed him. I mean, sure, he was there, he was hot, he cried, but he was in a blood-loss induced coma for half the movie! Granted, it was a sexy coma, but his lack of screen time was simply appalling.
I could go on, folks, believe me I could, had I anything else to say, but, frankly, "the editor", I don't, I just don't, and I blame you.
Thank you for your time, good sir, and please, don't go see The Village. It's a festering pustule on the face of cinema.
Sincerely,
Two Angry Bitc--Ladies...