Pillage the Village.

Rating: 3/10 (17 January 2005)

Here's a concept: A bunch of people live in a creepy village located in the middle of a field in anywhere, anytime, North America. Within this bunch of people reside a retarded murderous pianist, a blind woman who can see, and a ring leader that talks like a robotic Dickens novel. Everyone dresses all Amish. Surrounding the village is a forbidden forest, where "Those We Don't Speak Of," (glorified dark crystal beasts,) run amok, slaughtering and skinning dogs, leaving their glistening corpses on villagers doorsteps, all sinister-like. Sounds cool right? No. Not cool. There is a cornucopia of reasons why you, your friends, or their friends should not waste their valuable time on this piece of utter disappointment.
Let's just start with the logistics. How many torches surround the village? These flames burn eternally? Who lights said torches? If the woods are off limits, where does all the wood come from? Who built these houses? What worm hole does the food, 80 foot banquet tables and fine linen materialize from? Is this the very same wormhole that the script appeared from when it landed on M. Night's desk? Why didn't he throw it back, or ask Steven Hawkins for a second opinion.
As if the absurd logistics aren't enough to bury this film, dialog so weak it could make the pope weep is coupled with less then savory performances from seemingly qualified actors. The Village makes Unbreakable look good... hold on... I think I'm going to... yes, I'm going to throw up.
This film put the "uck" in suck. -Cherry "Pop" Siskel