How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

Rating: 1/10 (16 December 2004)

I hate thee with all my heart and soul. I hate thee with an all-consuming passion, a terrible madness borne of shock and disappointment, lies and deceit, rage and damnable fury!
I hate thee as I have hated none before. I burn as a never-ending fire in the deepest pit of Hell. And I thirst for revenge, for recrimination, and for the recoupment of my six pence. For thine is the foolishness, and the folly, and the awfully written screenplay that thou hast so miserably directed and produced!
I hate thee in thine overall conceit, thy trickery and thy lies, thy foolish fear of prescribed colors (red). Most of all I hate thoust terrible dialog, much of the wretched squabble consisting of the phrase, "those we dare not speak of." Such foolishness, indeed! Because in point of fact, much of the entire scenario consists of witless fools speaking of such!
I hate thee to thine very core, thine deepest marrow and beyond. I despise thy story from whence thoust came. I am sickened by the deceitful acting, and the foolish costumes, and the ridiculousness of the otherwise good player Brody, who is senselessly depicted here as rather a foolish clown! I am revolted that the other good players, the Hurt and the Weaver, these fine performers who were trapped into the folly and who surely knew not of what was to come! And I pray that with the grace of God, these pitiable persons, both elders and young ones, such as the Dallas Howard, will not suffer unduly hereafter due to their dreaded missteps into this pointless and misguided debacle!
I hate thee thoroughly and finally. I hate not merely the whole, but every wretched portion. I hate each damnable frame, every putrid sprocket hole, each and every foolish and misbegotten conceit that was dredged from some dark and damnable place and foisted upon thy glorious silver screen!
More than anything, I hate thee for this simple reason: that good and uncorrupted souls duly followed thou into thoust folly and were betrayed! Good and proper Cinema lovers, knowing full well their monies could never be refunded, trusted and waited, hoped and dreamed! But such was not to be. Because when thoust light flickered from thy projector, and when those damnable images burst forth and the foolish voices spoke, those blessed patrons were shocked and shamed beyond words! Time and precious money gone, hopes and fanciful dreams crushed. Good and proper minds laid to waste by such unfathomable nonsense and misbegotten folly!
And more's the pity! that many of these trusting souls held thoust in highest regard due to thine past work, thine prior achievements, which in mine humble personal regard, may not have been divine masterpieces as such, but, it can be said, were good and entertaining diversions -- to a degree.
But -- blast! With thoust latest execrable debacle, thou hast made a mockery of them all! Thou hast lured unsuspecting souls into thine theatre of pain and shattered their hopeful spirit! Dost thou arrogance and contempt know no Earthly bounds? Hast thou no shame!? Indeed -- for in perpetrating such degrading folly, no greater fool is revealed -- than thee!
Thine pretentiousness overfloweth! Indeed, thine lack of ability and talent has never been more true or fully evident, and thine justification for ceasing all future moving picture production now and evermore I dare say has never been more plainly clear!
And so I say unto you, sincerely and with full clarity of purpose -- on behalf of not merely myself, but of all good and righteous persons whom witnessed this unholiest of debacles: cease and desist, now and forever! Do so immediately -- if not sooner. For if such is not accomplished, I fear greatly for the future not only of all good persons, but the future of the Cinema itself! Alas! it may be too late already -- because those pitiable souls who suffered the boredom and the pain of the wretched awfulness have already paid the ultimate price -- and likely shall not be the same ever again!
I, however, shall do my humble part to stop the madness: I will promise, in all truest candor -- from this day forward to the end of mine humble days -- to keep this dear prayer closest to mine heart: that none so wretched, none so foolish, and none such wasteful and awfully- written folly should ever spring forth upon this good Earth to desecrate the Cinemas, and blacken the hearts of Men!
But whether such madness is again perpetrated, and whether the suffering shall continue, this I say this from the bottom of my most broken and tormented soul: I hate thee truly, madly and deeply, singularly and solely, and dare I say for all eternity -- or perhaps even longer.
Amen.