**** is ****, the **** who ****s **** because ????

Rating: 2/10 (4 September 1999)

Hands up everyone who thought that the solution to `Murder on the Orient Express' was clever, fair and satisfying. I see. Two of you. Hands up everyone who thought it was an outrageous cheat. (The author raises his hand.) Well, people in the first camp MIGHT think that `The Usual Suspects' is clever, fair and satisfying, even though it's even more of an outrageous cheat. If you want a good twist, stick to old Agatha, or to those of her works that play fair - `Witness for the Prosecution' (1957) and `Endless Night' (1971) are particularly good screen versions - or try ... I don't know, any number of things. `The Spanish Prisoner' (1997), for instance. It not only plays fair: it also paces itself correctly. For that's the other problem with `The Usual Suspects' - we are fed no intriguing information whatever as we go along. Even referring to the few surprises as `twists' is generous. The film opens with a confrontation, followed by an explosion, on a boat, and from then on we listen to one of the characters narrating events leading up to this explosion - and he takes FOREVER. It feels as if he's saying, `And then we had to kill a bit more time before we got to the boat exploding, so we robbed a bank. Then we went to the beach.' If we weren't so busy glancing at our watches while waiting for the denouement, we'd be bored stiff.
The ending had BETTER be worth it, we think - and it turns out to be one of the weakest (and did I mention it's a cheat?) in the history of cinema. Usually, after the killer revelation, our minds are abuzz. `Of course!' we think. `THAT'S why the ring was on her left hand - because if she hadn't been to France, where else could they hide the microfilm?' But `The Usual Suspects' leaves one feeling flat. There's nothing to think about. While it's impossible to work out what happened, it's all too easy to come up with consistent theories about what happened, and any one of these theories is about as good as the rest of them.
Damn it - I really want to play the Grinch who stole Christmas and TELL you what happens at the end, just so that you'll know I'm right.
One final point - the title is an allusion to a line from `Casblanca'. We can spot the allusion pretty early on. Pay no attention to it. It is NOT, as you might expect, a subtle hint to the audience; nor is it cunning misdirection. It's just an attempt to be smart.