HAH: Part one

Rating: Null/10 (7 February 2001)

THIS WHOLE THING IS A SPOILER...but since the movie isn't worth seeing, you may as well read this scintillating review and save yourself some time.
So the lights go down, the credits fade out, and the movie begins. I lean forward, as do my classmates, in eager anticipation of things to come, my hopes high, my mind waiting to be enlightened. After all, my history professor wouldn't show a movie that was disastrously abominable, would he?
HAH.
Okay, the first scene begins with this oh-so-artistic overhead shot of Mr. Al Capone (Dinero) getting a shave and an interview by a bunch of nervously obedient reporters. This gives him the opportunity to introduce his character as a smooth talking tough guy. I'm trembling.
Then we lead into another artistically shot scene where we see just how tough he really is. See, he makes stores (and little girls) go BOOM if they don't cooperate with him. I'm shaking.
And this, of course leads into the sharply contrasting scene that portrays the idyllic life of Mr. Can-do-no-wrong, Elliot Ness. Aw, look, his sweet little wife is packing him a lunch. All we see of our hero at this point is the back of his head. So far so good.
AND THEN...
To the police station, where we first get a glimpse of our Good Guy. And who do you think it is? That's right, none other than KEVIN COSTNER. Let me tell you, I almost threw up.
(Let's just say my opinion of Mr. Costner is less than. complimentary)
Okay, I says to myself. So the main character is played by Kevin Costner. Maybe the rest of the movie will make up for it.
HAH.
Alright, alright. The first half an hour, give or take a few minutes, was `Okay'. Not stellar or even worthwhile, but definitely tolerable. During this time, we are introduced to the sage old timer cop (Malone), played by Sean Connery.basically, a walking clichÃ©. Following this, we meet the young 'prodigy' of a cop (Stone), played by Andy Garcia, who says what, a total of 10 words throughout the duration of the movie? And then, last but certainly not least, we throw in the nerdy accountant (Wallace), who somehow ends up with a gun and an attitude.of some sort. I never really figured that one out. Oh well, I must be stupid.
Sometime during all this, we came to a scene where Elliot and his family were gathered in their living room, listening to the radio. I honestly got a kick out of this, and here's why: They had a 1930's model Cathedral radio (Which my family happens to own), and they were listening to Amos and Andy (I'm a big old time radio buff, and own many of their shows). However.this little highlight fails to compensate for the rest of the film.
The other memorable occurrence during this first portion of the film was the scene where, again, Mr. Capone is showing his deeply rooted nasty side. See, as soon as I saw him pull out the baseball bat (even though he was supposedly using it for an analogy) I put two and two together. See? : Bad guy + baseball bat = bad situation. And guess what? I was right.
Anyways. All of a sudden, we're at the 'Bridge Shootout' (in order to stop a shipment of booze), and our four Untouchables are now desperados (give me a break). on horses, no less. And here's where things really start to go downhill. Although, to be perfectly honest, I couldn't really pay attention during this scene. I was too busy cracking up. I mean, who are you trying to kid with that MUSIC?!. But what's most priceless about the whole thing is at the end, when poor Kevy (Elliot) actually has to kill someone.insert gasp here. Being the noble and decent guy he is, he gets very upset about it, and yells at the dead guy for making him have to do something so atrocious. (Hey Elliot! Guess what? HE WAS A BAD GUY. Just let it go.)
After this incident, Mr. Capone is not a happy camper. In fact, he's rather put out about the whole thing. He displays this by stomping around and yelling at the top of his lungs. A lot. So naturally, The Untouchables begin to feel his wrath. (Didn't see that one coming)
First, let's start by killing the nerd. In order to do this, we must arrange it so that he is escorting an essential witness (and squealer) to the courthouse. Of course! That's perfectly logical. Then, to spice things up, throw in a glitch in security, thus allowing one of Capone's men to sneak into the police headquarters, dressed as a cop, and somehow manage to get appointed as the armed guard for Wally and his witness. Toss in a small service elevator, and you've got a double murder. Woohoo!
Poor Elliot. Things are just not going his way. So the only thing to do is- you guessed it!- go storming over to Al's hotel, confront him and his posse, and get in his face. Here we get to see his ghetto side. I really thought he was gonna say, `C'mon, bitch. You wanna piece of me?' and bounce his stomach off of Dinero's. Too bad he didn't. That would have made for some quality entertainment.