"Oh look, I have a paper cut"

Rating: 3/10 (6 December 2009)

The juggernaut that is The Twilight Saga rolls along with it's latest entry, New Moon. Basically a study in repressed teen sexuality the story, which involved four novels could have easily been shortened, but that would have meant less money. New Moon is what I would call a "filler" film, stretching an already interminable plot out to the point that we might as well know what every character had to eat, day by day. Kristen Stewart plays Bella, a rather bleak girl who is transplanted to Forks, the town that gives new meaning to boondocks. But wait, this isn't just any Nowheresville, it's full of vampires and now, werewolves. Vampires have always represented sexuality, but Miss Meyer has decided that it's time for vampires to go to the teen scene. Didn't we cover that pretty well with a girl named Buffy? I fully expect some clever writer to next make millions off of vampires in pre-school. Sex is hidden as rage and depression, frustration and angst all under a supernatural veneer. Take away the fantasy and you have a story that would flop even on Lifetime. This is of course not the real world, so it's entirely acceptable for a young girl to have practically every male in her community want her, whatever their supernatural inclinations may be. Forget about the fact that Bella has no charm or charisma whatsoever, she smells good. But Bella is safe in her knowledge that she really, really loves Edward, a creature that is not only over 100 years old, but for all intents and purposes, dead. It helps that Edward is good looking, I seriously doubt the dynamic would work without that little detail. I kept wondering why any immortal would constantly attend high school, decade after decade. Isn't there anything else more interesting to do? Travel the world? Discover a cure? In this entry we also get Jacob, who was introduced sparsely in Twilight but has now grown into a Chippendales hunk who gives us two versions of hairstyles to choose from. He and his pack of woofy wolves do not like shirts. Conflict ensues. Bella seems bright and mature but does not exhibit any signs of either. She throws herself between Nosferatu and Werewolf, ceasing their super strength fighting with a flick of her hand. She stands among a coven of the undead (who are celebrating her birthday for God's sake) and makes the idiotic mistake of holding a finger up and announcing that it's cut and bleeding. At one point she takes every opportunity she can to risk her life, a nice little lesson for girls in the audience who have been jilted. She is either the most oblivious mortal that has ever lived or some sort of conniving vixen, hell bent on driving her menfolk insane. A large chunk of the film is Bella brooding that her corpse lover has left her. Jacob the hunky dog boy jumps in, trying to cheer her up and thus get her... It's all played out very romancey and sweet, with almost no violence. The story hinges on a precarious line between what can and cannot be. This is easily solved by Bella's decision to convert, which flies in the face of any common sense; the age old concept of laying down your life for the one you love it turned on it's head and comes across as laughable. Is there a witness protection program for new vampires? Does she love her father? Finally, toward the end of this torturous thing some pretty cool vamps show up and get all vampy like you would expect them to. I just wish that SOMEONE had said "Edward, you must grow out of this school phase, get on with your undead life and drop the downer girl. Now run along, you have hunky dogs to kill."