Didn't know something so awful could be possible

Rating: 1/10 (13 May 2010)

OK, so I knew this movie was going to be bad you knew it was going to be bad but I honestly didn't think any film could consist of no positive notes whatsoever. Some films don't have a great plot or require some character development but have great CGI to show for. 'New Moon' lacked substance, quality, artistry, the plot layout; soundtrack and actors were terrible and didn't deliver any flare whatsoever to an already long winding and dull basic story telling ploy.
The movie began with Bella waking up next to a giant 'Romeo & Juliet' novel on her pillow immediately got me thinking this director is 'highly' skilled in the art of subtlety. The fact that they're even trying to draw any parallels to a classic love story is, in my opinion slightly offensive as there was no development of love between the Twilight characters other than the superficial physical attraction. The whole 2hour 'New Moon' intensely follows Bella (Stewart) as she morosely goes about her day since Edward Cullen (Pattinson) left her. Which goes to show Bella is a whining, dependant, selfish and frankly stupid character as she disregards her family's and friends' feelings to become an adrenaline seeking suicidal tool to induce her hallucinations of Cullen. This is not someone who can be classified as a heroin in today's empowering and independent society and if the youth can't relate to this character, what is the point of dedicating an entire film on an uninteresting, miserable and superficial teenage girl!?! If I wanted to observe an emotionally insane teenage girl, I would've tailed my cousin's ass for two hours.
The cheesy dialogue and absolutely appalling acting gave me a skin-crawling-eye-rolling-dry-heaving uncomfortable experience. Pattinson's inappropriately painful expression for the whole 20minutes he was featured in the movie was confusing to watch, he had the same constipated stricken look for every situation. Lautner did nothing but act cool and expressionless for the first half of the movie, then prance around shirtless (with the same expression) for the rest and Stewart's performance was atrocious! Batting eyelashes and stuttering in a monotone bored voice does not denote fear! (Yes, I'm talking about the scene when she announce "please don't" after a hungry red-eyed vampire just called her 'mouth watering') I don't know whether it's their acting or the director's request but someone should tell those kids to learn new expressions for different scenes! Let's not kid ourselves here ladies; we all went to see this horrid movie for the abs, it was all about the abs! The wolves pack were only in jean shorts for the entire duration of the movie and Pattinson even flashed his nipples and airbrushed six pack for the last half hour. It was hilarious to see women swoon over baby-faced Jacob's (Lautner) ripped muscles like he was on the cover of a Mills & Boons novel when he unnecessarily took off his shirt and flexed his muscles because Bella bumped her head. I actually recommend this film for its superficiality if abs is the only thing you're after in a film. Otherwise strictly Twilight crazed fans only.
I'll end by mentioning my favourite scene. You know how comedies have characters run through a serene and peaceful setting in slow motion to poke fun at certain situations as seen in Shrek and 40 Yr old Virgin? Well, New Moon manged to incorporate this classically amusing scene into a serious segment of the film. This left me in stitches and made me wonder if Stephanie Meyer really wrote these cheesy scenes or the director has once again made matters much worse by turning a adolescent fantasy into a childish comedy.
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