Twilight Saga: Bad Movie Night

Rating: 6/10 (14 March 2010)

Twilight took off with its modest budget of 20 million to make over ten times that amount in 2008. That's a hell of a return on an investment. I'll admit that even I was surprised by its total gross. We got the sequel New Moon exactly one year later. The movie is at least better than its overly-bland predecessor, yet manages to look even cheaper. When someone transforms into a werewolf, among other instances, we never get the impression that the character is actually on screen. It's like watching a stop-motion project rendered with Nintendo 64-era visuals.
New Moon is the sequel Stephanie Meyer never anticipated writing. The whole film plays out like it was thrown together at the last minute. Twilight ended on a high note. Edward and Bella are finally together and Bella's assailant is dead. Now, for almost no reason at all Edward sudden decides to leave Bella and his family disappears. This is strange since at the end of last film he was nearly killed trying to protect her. Meyer uses this stall tactic to rip off Ann Rice and insert a needless and delightfully cheesy interlude of Bella pining away over her lost love. Kristen Steward sits rigidly in a chair and we are shown a montage of the months changing as the camera swirls around her.
Try to remember the American Indian guy from the last movie (Jacob, the teen werewolf). Since he is the only slightly masculine teen guy in her life, she spends time with him. They build dirt bikes and Bella continues to whine about Edward. When she attempts to ride her bike, an apparition of Edward appears and discourages her. Let's ignore Jacob for now, like the screenplay does. Bella begins to do stupid and anti-feminist stunts to see Edward like jumping off cliffs into the ocean. I don't think this behavior is actually supposed to be sexist as teens really will do crazy stuff for love. It's actually kind of funny, especially since Edward hears about her cliff-diving and decides to kill himself since he thinks she has died.
He doesn't actually get to, as the vampire elder council Volturi, which consists of European actors who aren't Anthony Banderas (key in an awesome Dakota Fanning cameo) won't permit him. He decides to reveal himself to humanity, which is a death sentence. Bella arrives out of nowhere to save him and is brought before the Volturi. Bella is spared, but only if she will be converted to the vampire ilk. Edward agrees on terms that she will marry him. Jacob is dismayed.
There is no authentic emotional display in New Moon. The story is only loosely connected to its previous installment and is therefore forced to rely on its actors to move it with their spatial talent and facial expressions. And none of them can do it. The movie was a chore to act and direct and will be a bore for most viewers. Meyer did not conceive Twilight as a series so I guess this was the writer's block novel. The next ones have to be better than this one. It really is that bad.
Still, I found myself enjoying the bargain theater screening I attended. This is one of those hilariously bad movies that is so inept it produces unintended chuckles. The Nostalgia Chick will tear this one up in 2020. Its failure is based on the fundamentally flawed premise that Bella Swan would be desirable to not one, but two supernatural hotties. The girl is incredibly ordinary and doesn't display aptitude for anything except being ditzy. She is portrayed by Kristen Stewart who has not yet showed me she is capable of delivering lines at any real emotional level (making her a great choice for Bella). Every line she says is curt and empty. The movie needed her to either be very attractive or gifted otherwise for it to work.
And if that wasn't enough, the whole screenplay is peppered with what I think are nods the overall shoddiness. Consider the interplay between two of Edward's vampire relatives when Bella turns 18 at the beginning, "what's it like dating an older woman?" And, and, when actors have the good sense to shut up, we are usually treated to a Clip Art battle sequence featuring a werewolf and something else. Maybe Chris Weitz should stay away from teen novel adaptations featuring speaking, fighting quadrupeds.