Dreadful.

Rating: 1/10 (5 December 2009)

I have never before been compelled to review a movie on this site, even ones I'm passionate about. I feel justified in breaking my silence to review "New Moon." Good Lord, where to begin.
First of all, I was bullied into going in the first place by a friend who is a closet Twilight freak. I myself can't stand the whole thing, but decided to go in with no expectations, i.e. I was willing to enjoy it if it proved to be remotely enjoyable. It did not.
The acting, as has been noted, was atrocious, but that's probably to be expected: Kristen Stewart is basically a cardboard cut-out of a pretty girl having a bad day. Robert Pattinson is handsome, it's true, but who can tell under the scowl and RIDICULOUS makeup? As for his acting... Don't hold your breath. As for poor Taylor Lautner... I felt like I was committing statutory rape every time he cavorted about half-naked. Isn't he like seventeen? How is it okay for a theatre full of housewives to drool over a child like him? I'm only 20, and I felt like he was a child prostitute.
There were so many awkward pauses I felt like I was in a centre for the incurably mute. In particular, please note the final "scene:" someone should time those pauses. Holy mackerel.
The story: blink and you'll miss it. What's that? movies usually have plots and characters generally have some form of imaginable motivation? Not in the bloody Twilight universe.
In short: Incomparably, unreasonably, wholly dreadful. Awful. Terrible. bad. The best part was the scenery, which was indeed lovely.