The Twilight Saga: Teenage Porn

Rating: 2/10 (20 November 2009)

It's that time again: Twilight! Ever since last year's release of the mega-successful movie Twilight, our lives have not been the same. With a new director on our hands, Chris Weitz, I actually had hopes for New Moon. Last year with all the screaming fans, Twilight has turned many off. It also made vampires into a joke, New Moon had potential to give the series some life. Unfortunately, we got trash. Not only vampires are a joke to this story, but these movies are a joke and an embarrassment to cinema. I'm trying to not be cruel, because I honestly feel so sorry for this cast, since they don't have much material to work with. For God's sake they have lines like "Your breathing is my gift", "You don't belong in my world", and "I couldn't live in a world without you existing". How could you work with soap opera lines like that? Not to mention, more than 80% of the film is 5 buff meaty guys in jean shorts, which I'm above those jokes, but I was expecting as they walked on screen "Gonna Make You Sweat" was going to play in the background. It seems like this was teenage porn for a while because every girl in the theater kept going crazy with Jacob's 6, no, 12 pack abs exposed. It seems like every chance the director got, he had to make the little girls happy by exploiting these young actors.
The characters are another problem: Bella, Edward and Jacob. I've read the books, Bella never intrigued me. But while last film she was just flat, this film I wanted to kill her. She's 18, now granted I know that she'll probably never find another vampire boyfriend who's so creepy in love with her, but good God, does this girl need to get a gigantic grip on life. Edward leaves and even Hamlet would tell her to lighten up a bit. She goes into this coma state where she's just obsessed on why her vampire boyfriend doesn't want her. It's more sickening, a bad influence on young girls and pretty pathetic rather than sympathetic. Edward is introduced in this sequel with him walking in slow motion as if a rock star just came on the screen, more to just please the fans and give him an applause. He spends the whole movie pretty much saying how much he loves Bella, how he can't live without her, basically any pre-teen's wet dream that a guy will be that devoted when it's actually more so creepy. While Edward is Bella's boyfriend that sparkles, we have a sensitive werewolf, Jacob. I feel so sorry for him in this movie, Bella basically tags him along, starting to kiss him, but then pulling away, but then rubbing up against him, but then telling him he can't have her problems in his life, but then saying he's beautiful and she loves him.
It's Bella's birthday, fearing her aging process she's having nightmares that she will grow old as Edward will stay young and beautiful. Alice and the other Cullens throw her a surprise birthday party; while opening a gift, Bella accidentally gets a paper cut. When the blood hit's the floor, Jasper goes into a violent state and tries to attack Bella, Edward stops him and saves Bella. After months of Bella begging Edward to change her, Carlisle explains why Edward does not want to take her mortal soul. Realizing the danger he's put her in, Edward has to break up with Bella. He tells her that he doesn't want her and that he and his family will never see her again. Bella goes into a coma practically, spending months inside her home and not seeing her friends. Realizing she could see Edward through adrenaline rushes, she convinces Jacob to fix a couple of motorcycles. As the months pass, her and Jacob grow closer as she starts to fall for him, but of course being Bella, he has a "monstrous" flaw, he's a werewolf. Bella accepts it as she tries to move on with her life, but Alice Cullen comes back saying she had a vision of Bella dying. After a misunderstanding, Edward thinks she's dead too and Alice tells Bella that Edward is about to sacrifice himself for her.
To sum this review up, this movie was made for the fans, which MOSTLY consists of 12-15 year old girls and desperate housewives. I'm not looking to insult anyone here, but after reading the books and seeing these two movies, I feel like my IQ sunk a few points. They insult my intelligence and I will never understand why this story is appealing to anyone. Stephanie Meyer is a genius in some aspect: almost every girl in high school doesn't feel special or just average. How cool would it be to have someone who has lived centuries, who is gorgeous, smart, strong and kind who just thinks you're the ultimate catch? That's what sold these stories and I hate it because it makes these girls fantasize about a world that will never exist. These stories are old and over used and Twilight has overstayed it's welcome. The special effects were awful and the material was just lousy. To be kind to the film, the action sequences are a major improvement over the last film, much more exciting and intense. I could go on forever with this review, but I'm going to save some more of my rant for my friends. While I was very kind with the rating in the first Twilight, I understood it who it was meant for and took it for what it was. This is trash and could have had so much more potential. This movie was made for the fans, so if you're not one, there's a very good chance you're going to agree with everything I said in this review.
2/10