You might like it if you're 13 and female

Rating: 4/10 (25 November 2009)

I freely admit that, despite my having a more than passing acquaintance with vampire and werewolf movies over the years, the fact that I am a 57 year old straight male means that I am probably not part of the target audience for the Twilight Saga. Not to worry, the cinema was full of female pubescent teenies. And me.
I also freely admit that, not only have I not read the books, I have no plans to do so. I did, however, see the first movie. Accordingly, I shan't be addressing "this didn't happen in the book" or "they left this bit out" - I shall simply be commenting on the movie.
As I recall from the first one, 107-year-old Edward is a member of a family of "good" (ie. they don't feed on humans) vampires. Seated next to new girl and terminal miseryguts Bella at high school, he is so taken with her sullen demeanour that he absconds and treats her very rudely, just to show her how much he instantly loves her. After initially misinterpreting his rudeness as rudeness, she comes to realise that the irritation she thought she felt is also actually love, and thus begins one of the great classic (and highly improbable) romances of our time, Part 2, New Moon (a title which has no significance whatsoever) starts with Edward being beset by guilt. Bella wants him to turn her into a vampire but Edward, not wanting to destroy her immortal soul, dumps her. He goes off to mope around the world while she takes up with the local werewolf. As you do. Meanwhile Edward, under the mistaken impression that Bella has died, seeks permission from the Vampire High Command to end his existence. Bella arrives in time to save his life, the two of them are reconciled, and episode two finishes with a decision to vampirise Bella after she graduates.
What can I tell you about this load of old tosh? Well, let me start by saying that the only action undertaken by any of the main characters which I found convincing was Edward's decision to selflessly try to set Bella on a life away from vampires. Otherwise, none of these people behaves even slightly credibly at any time.
There are three or four action sequences which, though short, are decently done. The special effects aren't bad.
Apart from the action sequences, the film is deadly dull - it's really difficult to stay awake. The material covered could have been told more succinctly (and more interestingly) in 45 minutes less. It's boring.
Dakota Fanning has a small part. I didn't recognise her. And she wasn't very good.
Graham Greene has a small part. He looks embarrassed throughout, as well he might.
Michael Sheen was (as usual) rather good.
And, as in the first one, the character Bella is so woefully glum that you wonder why Edward wants anything at all to do with her, let alone be with her for eternity. But I had one of those realisations which strikes you like a thunderbolt. Bella is the audience. Because this stuff is wish fulfilment romantic fantasy for impressionable teen girls, Bella is written for maximum audience identification as a teen who gets the hot guy despite being full to overflowing with angst. This was pointed up when Edward delivered the final line: this was clearly eagerly awaited by the teenies in the audience who whooped, hollered, and burst into spontaneous applause.
To me, this was more horrifying than any vampire or werewolf activity in the movie!