Everything You Would Expect From a Twilight Sequel

Rating: 2/10 (24 May 2011)

If you watched the first collection of lumped-together scenes, generously dubbed a "movie", then you probably dreaded seeing this one as well. Granted, it definitely hits true to the mark on the target audience. Young girls and confused boys have single-handedly supported this movie at the box office. Because of the numbers, you may have been lured in to actually seeing this monstrosity. If you have, God have mercy on you. If you have not yet seen it, heed the following words: This movie holds the dubious distinction of being even worse than the first one. All of the characters you don't care about are back to stare at each other again. Only this time, there are some CG effects and at least one very poorly-made fight scene. For the most part, however, you're in for a long trip through teen angst. And you better wear your gloves, because the acting is wooden enough to give you splinters.
I debated trying to review actual sections of this film, but since nothing actually happens, that was pretty tough. I didn't bother including a spoiler warning as there is nothing to spoil. It seems they are saving all the "stuff that happens" for the last film, after they've had their fingers in your wallet for two years. The conflict doesn't occur, the star-crossed love doesn't come to fruition and not nearly enough of the cast is killed off.
Even people who enjoyed the mind-numbing books will find it hard to love something about this film. Besides the pale prettiness or shiny shirtlessness (what, it's a word) of the male cast members. Oddly enough, Bella herself is probably the least appealing aspect of the film. Something for mopey teen girls to relate to, I have to assume.
In conclusion, you would be better off saving your money. Instead, spend it on a cat. Put the cat in a box and shake it as hard and you can. Then, insert your head into the box. Trust me, it will be far less painful than watching this movie.