The Top Thirty Things I Learned from Eclipse

Rating: 2/10 (26 September 2010)

1. Native Americans fear "Cold Ones" as if they're attending Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh, wait
2. "Jake! Stay!" is probably considered an insult to someone that changes into a dog.
3. Mormon writer, Stephenie Meyer, should be proud of acknowledging there are other races out there, though portraying Native Americans as savage beasts and Blacks as murderers should put her right back in the good light with the Latter-day Saints.
4. Brokeback Mountain tent love can happen between any two males, even the hairy and undead ones.
5. Terrible acting, hilariously bad dialogue, faux-pas Goths and unnecessary flashbacks can equate $300 million in revenues. Thanks, America.
6. Quickly moving someone with a broken back is first on the list of any medical student drop-out.
7. Pending Don Knotts was still with us, he surely would've been frontrunner for Bella's dad, Charlie.
8. There are more shirtless boys in the forests of Washington than all ballparks of the U.S.
9. Shift-changing Native Americans wear little clothing and have little regard to what happens when they change back. Do they store those shorts in the same place prisoners sneak contraband?
10. There are more forest battles in Washington than all of Planet Endor.
11. Bleak Bella is the most wanted girl in the world. Reasons of why are still unknown.
12. Using six tons of blush doesn't make you a vampire. It makes you Cher.
13. Turning into a six-ton wolf doesn't make you a werewolf. It makes you Beethoven.
14. These are NOT real Vampires! These are NOT real Werewolves!
15. These are NOT real Vampires! These are NOT real Werewolves!
16. These are NOT real Vampires! These are NOT real Werewolves!
17. Eclipse is as much a vampire and werewolf movie as The Exorcist is a feel-good and romantic comedy.
18. Eclipse is as much a teen romance as Speed 2: Cruise Control is about speeding.
19. Eclipse is as much of an epic adventure as Aliens is about Joe Arpaio's plight.
20. Eclipse is as much as about good parenting as The Stepfather is.
21. Bella is an incredible dead weight to anyone who is protecting her. Her best defense is to stay out of the way, cut herself like an emo and allow boys (and girls) fight over her.
22. "Waiting for marriage" is just as acceptable as taking your spouse's life on her wedding night.
23. Surprisingly good cinematography and a decent score does not equate a quality movie. Unless you want to watch a PBS special on the rainforests.
24. Who needs a spoof like Vampires Suck when you can laugh your ass off during the real movie?
25. The title is truly misleading; it would be far more entertaining to watch 30-seconds of an eclipse that you don't see in the movie, as it would the entire two hour film, itself.
26. High School graduates actually want to "make mistakes" so they can be all they can be. These filmmakers followed suit.
27. Bella is the saddest, most pathetic, manipulative and selfish character created next tonext tono one. She is, in fact, the saddest, most pathetic, manipulative and selfish character created.
28. Eclipse has the least exciting climax next to The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.
29. This movie should NOT be considered for Best Costume Design. I've heard Lady Gaga actually rejected these outfits for her own act.
30. The un-dead fear "Newborns" just as much as Lindsey Lohan fears sobriety.