Twilight – Eclipse: Please make it stop!

Rating: 2/10 (24 July 2011)

I have never seen such a boring excuse for a movie in a long, long time. Hell, I don't think I've EVER seen such a boring movie. "Well well", the sceptics say, "you hate this movie because you hate the Twilight-phenomenon in general". No, I don't. I don't hate Twilight just because it is cool to do so, I hate it because it is so mind-numbingly bad! I can't for the love of God understand why anybody would find the "love" drama contained in this sclockfest interesting and captivating. The first movie (Twilight) and the second (New Moon) was pure crap, but THIS, this takes the ****** cake! The poor characters (or "talking cardboard cut-outs") pukes out one melodramatic line after another, never giving any reason for the audience to relate to them in any way. The "development" of the characters are non-existent, they are as uninteresting when the movie begins as they are when it ends; Edward is an emo-creep, Jacob is his usual stiff self and Bella still uses her eternally open mouth as an insect catcher. Just close your damned mouth, will ya?!
The story is basically the same as the previous movies, only with new dull characters thrown in and some small changes made to the script. Not only is the writing bad, but the execution and build-up to the final climactic fight scenes in the movie is constructed in the completely wrong way! There is never any suspense and the viewer is never uncertain over what will happen to the characters, because the viewer already knows which side will win due to the fact that the vampires forges an alliance with the monster dogs and says something like "We will win this easily" and outnumbers their enemies two-to-one. Hurrah for crappy script! It is a bit more suspenseful when Edward and that red haired chick fights but seriously, who cares about any of the characters at this point?
In my mind, the Twilight movies are fantasy movies (containing magic and supernatural stuff, you know), but unlike other fantasy movies for teens ("Harry Potter" comes to mind) Twilight doesn't really give the impression of containing any MAGIC, ADVENTURE and SUSPENSE that STIRS THE IMAGINATION. Instead the series are more like the real-world-equivalent of cleaning toilets for a living, a high-school drama with toothless vampires and shabby monster dogs that probably smells like that dead bird your cat dragged in last week. It is that bad. Vampires are really over-saturated in the entertainment business right now, can't we just dump them all in a giant mouldy coffin and send them back to Transylvania?