Say what?

Rating: 2/10 (27 February 2014)

Maybe it's time I stopped reviewing these movies. They're very obviously bad, critically panned and only appeal to a niche market that may have already moved on to greener pastures. More seriously than that, my insomnia is getting worse with each passing film. I can even see ghostly brunettes doused with body glitter in my peripheral vision when I lose my concentration, which happens more often than I'd like.
But that's not important. What is important is getting my thoughts down before my short term memory deletes itself in a rather effective and welcome fit of self-defense again. Honestly, I don't remember the events leading up to this film even though I just saw them a few days ago. Where do I even begin with this one? Just the opening sequence was laughably terrible even though I have forgotten how to laugh since witnessing that second movie. In fact, I can't even force myself to smile anymore. The muscles responsible for that seem to be numb and I can't restore feeling to them. Is that normal?
Anyway, the movie opens with Bella and Edward laying in an uncharacteristically colorful scene of a field full of flowers taking part in their favorite pastime: vapidly staring each other in the face. Just as I'm wondering if they ever do anything else, Edward randomly proposes marriage even though he has known Bella for a grand total of a a few months to a year at this point in the 'story'. This series is kind of funny about the passage of time. What I do know is that graduation is coming up for Bella and her cast of ancillary characters, but that's not even a plot point. No, their idea of a plot point is having Edward become even creepier. Stalking her and watching her sleep wasn't enough, he has to go and disable her truck in this one to dictate to her where she can go and who she can talk to. In this case it's Jacob, who indicates he has become a slightly darker character than before by greasing up his hair a little. Nothing says unstoppable badass like mousse right, Spider-Man 3?
A lot of problems arise with the storytelling here, especially if you're a person that likes to use their brain. Apparently the antagonist here is the redhead from the first movie who is still after Bella even though she is continuously chased away by the wolves or the Cullens. Seriously? She has no reason to go after Bella. As I recall, even though my memory is admittedly hazy, it was her dumbass boyfriend who decided to go after Bella in the first place and paid the price for it. Bella wasn't even able to defend herself, so what's the big deal? And then aliens landed and probed the vampires, who liked it a little too much. Orwait, I might have been watching CineMax late again and dreamt that part.
Jacob insists that Bella is in love with him and Edward tries to frown but fails miserably. Get used to that because that's the bulk of the movie. Except for one part where Jacob sexually assaults Bella, who punches him in the face so hard that she breaks her hand without making him flinch in the slightest. Her father is oddly okay with this and the very obvious bite scar on her wrist from...somewhere. I'm trying to remember where that came from, but it's like static in my brain.
The storytelling will really grate on the nerves when some of the side characters share their stories and they turn out to be infinitely more interesting than the movie's plot! Like Rose who was gang raped, turned into a vampire then pursued revenge on her attackers, saving the main one for last like a snack to prolong his suffering. Hey, redhead still poorly chasing after Bella! THAT is how you revenge! Or, hey, what about the one vampire who was a high ranking officer for the Confederacy in the Civil War before he was changed into a vampire? Nope, these awesome stories take about 5 minutes of run time because we still have to endure more of Bella and Edward staring at each other. Isn't that fun?
Anyway, the redhead decides her best shot at killing Bella is to create an army of vampires who are, by all accounts, much stronger in their first months than seasoned vampires who have been around for centuries. Guess what? When the climax of the film rolls around, the Cullens and the wolves win the battle without a single casualty save for Jacob, who gets some broken bones but will be up and around for the next movie. By the way, that whole confrontation between Edward and the redhead? Stupid. There's no menace or suspense here, he's fighting someone half his size! Guess who wins. Seriously, take a wild guess. I'll go get a sandwich and wait.
you ready for this? Sit down, this will completely blow you away: EDWARD EMERGES VICTORIOUS! Wow, that was awesome the way you easily beat up that poor girl and ripped her head off! Yeah! And what do we get at the end for putting up with this? Another scene in a field of flowers where Edward and Bella set the date for their wedding. Yup. That was what the movie was leading up to. I don't think fist fighting a bear will save my testosterone this time. I'm going to need two bears with chainsaws for hands, so excuse me. I have some surgery to perform.