Greatest motion picture since Caravaggio's "Crucifixion of St Peter"

Rating: Null/10 (24 August 2014)

Oh god, Edward Cullen, you're so damn hot. Take my virginity, take it, take it now! But wait, no, I'm so conflicted. Jacob Black is also hot. In fact, he might be hotter than you. What should I do, Edward? Should I give in to you, with your milky white skin, your smouldering eyes and chiselled chin, or should I....should I give in to Black, with his ripped six-pack and Hawaiian glow?
Oh Edward, you know I don't want to hurt you, it's just that a girl's virginity is a big deal. I want to lose it with someone special, with someone I love. It's not like I can lose my virginity twice, Edward. It's not like my virginity can grow back. Unless....no. No, you can't be serious Edward. Regrow my virginity? Is that possible, Eddie? Surely it's not. What? I can remain in a state of perpetual virginity by reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Series? Oh Edward, sweet, precious Edward, what a genius you are! Call Jacob, call Riley, and come hither yourself Edward, for tonight all beasts dine on the blood of Bella Swann, the most chaste harlot a mortal did ever spawn.
10/10 – Masterpiece.