I have never craved a bullet in my head so much in my life

Rating: 1/10 (1 July 2010)

OK, my experience in seeing this movie was particularly excruciating because I was stuck in a theatre of people who kept either groaning, cooing, or yelling advice to the characters on screen at the top of their lungs. But even with that aside, what few other people will be likely to say still deserves to be said: this movie sucked big hairy werewolf balls. Unfortunately, trying to explain why would take up a lot more words than I've managed to cram in, so I can only focus on the main issues. For starters, Bella has become increasingly unlikeable since we saw her last, and as she's the central protagonist around whom all the ensuing events revolve, that's going to be a problem. Originally a great character in the first two films, her appeal here takes such a massive nosedive that, no joke, it actually becomes hard to fathom why exactly everybody around her is risking their lives for her safety. Her constant lack of consideration for certain people (particularly her long-suffering dad) is getting exceedingly grating. There were a number of moments in which I wanted to bite her neck myself just to shut her up. The scene (spoiler) in which she punches Jacob because he kissed her was the last straw for me - I hardly think that that warrants a punch considering that he can't help being in love with her, especially since, deep down, she loves him as well. The little trout deserved to get her hand sprained. But no, he still apologises, and not just for the kiss but for the fact that punching him sprained her hand. How predictable and how pathetic.
Bella's love affair with Edward - previously of the "I would die for you" calibre - is now peppered with so many inconsistencies that it's losing its enjoyment value. For example, as we've learned in movies 1 and 2, Bella is so in love with Edward that she's a) willing to overlook the fact that he's not human; b) willing to overlook the fact that he's killed people; and c) give her own life to save his as she did at the end of New Moon, but when he finally proposes marriage to her she's hesitant? And the reason? Well apparently because she's still young, being only 18. Funny, 'cause I would've thought that 18 is also a young age to contemplate relinquishing your mortality in favour of becoming a vampire for all eternity. But it's OK, because (another spoiler) she eventually accepts; and in doing so, says, "I will bind myself to you in every way humanly possible" - but when he addresses her as Mrs. Cullen she suddenly tells him that she wants to keep her own name? She'll sacrifice life and limb for him but not do THAT?
The cheesiness of this film was also a step up - everything is cheapened to the level of a corny soap opera. They ALL deserve Razzis. CONSTANT long silences, hard stares, and stupid dialogue. My sister actually turned to me at one point during the movie and said, "Shades of Wuthering Heights" because everything about this plot is so exasperating. Why doesn't Edward stay mad at Bella after she kisses Jacob? They have ONE discussion about it (actually it's not even a discussion, just a series of comments) and then by the end of the movie they're happily reunited without a single cross word. I would think that kissing Jacob would put Edward's nose out of joint just a LITTLE, considering that she's supposed to be his reason for living and future bride!
You should also be prepared for the fact that, as is typical in most of these cases, they try to shove far too much into the storyline. Simplify, guys: if you're going to take a few minutes to explain Rosalie's backstory to us to give us some more insight as to why she is the way that she is, then leave James' backstory until the next movie. The need to stop every once in a while to explain another supporting character's history is exceedingly disruptive, and doesn't really bring anything integral to the plot anyway (for example I found that I still didn't give a rat's ass about Rosalie even after finding out what happened to her). It just makes it longer, more tedious, and prone to losing your attention.
Maybe I'm just not this movie's core demographic. It IS for tweenies after all. But there's another problem: considering that this film is supposed to be for tweenies, the violence is sometimes surprisingly full-on. There's a scene involving a decapitation which I won't go into the gruesome details of, but let's just say that it could easily qualify as the "Holey s**t!" moment of the year. So even the movie itself seems to forget who it's for. The special effects are impressive of course, the visuals are creative and the direction is fine; but scratch beneath this glossy surface and there's just too much frustration at the hands of the script, the characters and their actions to make this movie tolerable to sit through. And, because the characters and their actions are the primary crux of this story, you never get a minute's peace.
Quite simply, I am so OVER Twilight man. I'm done. That's it. Up until this point I'd actually been quite enjoying the franchise, but the abomination of this third installment has soured my interest so much that...you know what? I'm going to go watch Little Ashes, because the sight of Robert Pattinson making out with a guy is just what I need to shoot dead anything that reminds me of this idiotic movie. Awful.