As Funny as Part 1 and Part 1

Rating: 1/10 (18 November 2012)

I finally got it. After three real movies and an obscene attempt at extracting more money by splitting up Breaking Dawn into two parts, I understand what this series is all about. It was meant to introduce a new audience to soap operas since most of the daytime programs have been cancelled.
There is no other explanation. Both the soaps on TV and the Twilight films have paper thin plots, terrible dialogue and acting so atrocious that even Michael "ahhh-oh-AHHH!" Sheen must've known when signing on he gave up any hopes of getting an Oscar in the future.
But, I will give this movie some credit and make note of one scene that will make the entire nightmare worthy of a watch: in an incredible series of accidentally amusing segments, they actually taught Bella to become Kristen Stewart. I was already laughing so hard during the comical special effects to the creepy digitized demon baby to the close ups so near to the screen that I was glad that it wasn't in 3-D or their nose hairs would've been closer than desired, but when they literally tell Bella to be a stiff actor, emotionless, melancholy and slow, I lost it. Bella, meet Kristen Stewart.
I'm not sure if they were acknowledging Stewart is one of the worst actresses of all time and the scene was tongue-in-cheek, but it was funny, nonetheless.
What wasn't funny was the endless, sad and racist stereotypes portrayed throughout. It's almost as if the novel's writer was a Mormon. Oh, wait
Anyways, everything reverts back to the original film with the amount of stares, the sometimes there and sometimes missing white faces, the terrible CGI including Bella running through what appears to be the Moon of Endor, but ends up looking more like in she's jogging in an awful 20 cent 1980s music video, the sickening jokes and the joyless, pale and blank looks between the actors. That last one was one of my favorite scenes as the camera panned from one dumbfounded face to the next. I found myself pointing off the screen as if directing the camera to film the next boorish and expressionless glare.
Those were the similarities of the original Twilight. Since they just "had to" split the (oh, God, let it be the) final book into two, the screenplay, if there was one, appeared to be completed on one side of a toilet paper square. And if you are curious to see this film, much like that square, you'll know exactly where the final project ended up.
Let's see if I can write the entire movie down on one toilet paper square:
Bella and Edward are newlyweds. Bella's a "new born" who needs to feed on cartoon animals. Jacob now smells and put his stank on an infant, which never gets less disturbing. The supposedly strong, though never proved, high council is upset a half-breed might harm their "race." Different clichés from around the globe are summoned to negotiate. A "battle" ensures.
Yep, it all fits and I still have room for
And that's what this movie is. No two ways around it. People who like this crud will continue to defend it. More power to them – for liking what they like. Soaps were around for decades and though I didn't like them, I saw their appeal to desperate housewives.
As everyone has a right to their opinions, no one should ever be dishonest to themselves and think these are well made movies. There is not a single scene – from the aren't-we-past stock footage shots to the panning from one endlessly shocked-expression face to the next to the blatant racial discrimination to the poor and immature dialogue and monologues – that constitutes a quality film.
Despite how much fun it is to watch these unintentionally hilarious films, this series is just plain trash and I'm glad it's over.