worst move ever made?

Rating: 1/10 (25 November 2011)

First I had to contemplate whether this rating would have a "spoiler"... It was a tough decision, because that would imply that there's some sort of plot line that I may ruin inadvertently... rest assured, there isn't. I mean we knew Bella and Edward were getting married, and the previews showed there may be a baby in the works, and well, there you have it. But after sitting through this.... thing....for two hours, I thought that I simply MUST write a review. I haven't felt this motivated and energized to write a review in ages! I simply had to start typing as soon as I got home! My goal: to stop just one person from seeing this film. If I do, I will have done my good deed on this earth, and my work on this planet would be done. I know, it's such a minor thing, but hey, it's the little things that count.
The movie starts by a few excusable facial closeups as we see one actor after the next sigh, or smile, or look wistfully or longingly here and there, while the camera lingers on them 30 seconds too long; sometimes with a sarcastic smile which says "I'm really sad inside, but I'm putting on a brave face for you", or a mirthless smile that says: "I'm thinking about a grilled cheese sandwich right now, but I'll just smile and look past you to give the impression that I'm really deeply moved by what you're saying". Now and then the REALLY good actors get to throw in a little knowing crooked half smile to add some REAL gravity to the scene! I could only imagine what deep ironic thoughts they must have been projecting, but alas, it's one of those things that if you have to ask, you're just not cool enough to know. Well! Just when you think you've seen every possible mellow dramatic look and cheesy music combo possible... the director decides to do it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and just when you thought it couldn't possibly happen again, it does! And then again, and again, and again, .... Oh, and once in a while the director gets in his helicopter and does a senseless nature flyover scene just to break things up a little, and to get a way from the set.
Since I had lots of time during the film to contemplate life, the universe, and everything while I listened to the cheesiest musical scores to ever accompany a film while actors sulked, and stomped, and pouted, glared, and tried to out-overact each other, I wondered, why would this director resort to this inanity? It then hit me! The entire plot could easily be filmed in 30 minutes, and he had a whole hour and a bit to fill! I then empathized with the director as I imagined his moment of panic... it must have been a spot of genius when he realized he could fill the rest of the film with meaningless nature shot after nature shot, and the above-mentioned "let's throw in another drawn out look" scenes.
At various points in the film I drifted, and started to fantasize that sudden weird things would happen to change up the deadening tempo to spice up the film: like Bella would trip over her wedding gown, or Edward and Jacob would profess their love for each other and leave Bella to quiver lip herself into oblivion on her own while nobody cared, but sadly nothing like this happened to save the day.
There was one saving grace, I must say. Even though the theatre was filled with teenage girls, about halfway through the film, one, then another, then another started to laugh out loud! Pretty soon those of us who weren't comatose or brain-dead, joined in. It was something akin to a Christmas miracle! It was just like it happened in Whoville when everyone started to sing together! We the brave, and the few, in our darkest hour, we came together in laughter, and through our laughter whispered to one another: "it's OK, we're in this together, we can make it"! And we did.
When you get to the very end of the film, there's this nail-biter to end all nail-biters.... you'll go through five to ten minutes of nail biting dramatic mastery, there's changing camera angles, and zoom ins, and zoom outs, and music, and really really bad effects ... all inching towards the final finale and the answer you must know: will she live, or is she dead? Don't worry, I won't spoil it, the real spoiler is this: when you get there, you just... won't... care!
So you, standing there getting a last review in before deciding what to do with the evening... don't do it... you know who you are, just... don't... do it!