That sinking feeling...

Rating: 3/10 (14 May 2014)

It's been a few months now, IMDb. You have no idea what I've done to myself, do you? I don't even know what I've done. What I do know is that ever since I've seen this movie, I'm experiencing terrible headaches and blackouts that last hours and sometimes days on end. I wake up in strange places that I don't recall visiting. My friends and family tell me that I've grown withdrawn and distant. My bedroom wall is plastered in pictures of brunette women, some with red X's over their faces. No matter how many times I rip this down, it mysteriously reappears and I hear someone laughing in my ear even if I'm alone.
But enough about me, let's talk terrible movies. Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but I do believe this movie sucked gigantic, furry balls. Not just sucked, either, we're talking the gravity well of a collapsed star with enough force to rip a planet apart.
Edward and Bella get married. I'm all out of f-bombs to give about their "relationship", much like the actor who plays Charlie Swan. Hang on, let me check with Sparkles the Vampire. Nope, he's out of f-bombs, too. Anyway, they spend their honeymoon on a private island off the coast of Brazil and spend their time completely trashing their suite with vampire sex that should theoretically break Bella in every sense of the word. I wish I was kidding. They even have sex in the missionary position because...it was written by someone with strong religious beliefs? It just seems to me a lot of this could have been avoided if Bella learned some cowgirl positions. In the age of smart phones, there has got to be an app for that. (Damn right there is.)
Anyway, this results in a pregnancy and a lot of chess playing. Despite the fact that carrying this mutant vampire abomination is clearly going to kill Bella, she goes balls-deep into pro life territory and discards that tiny particle of character she has to spread the author's propaganda. Remember, impressionable young women: abortions are always wrong even in a Rosemary's Baby kind of situation. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle!
The werewolves don't like this because treaty and they stand around speaking in perfect English in their cartoon dog forms. Jacob trolls the leader and decides to protect Bella who ends up dying in labor, looking a lot like a crack addict on a slab when all is said and done. Good job, make-up team. I mean that.
Jacob then creeps all over the baby by falling in love with it, I think. I'm not sure anymore about how real any of this is. I mentioned the headaches, right? Well, this is my conclusion: this is a sloppily written mess of a movie whose only redeeming factor lies in the unsung heroes of the make up artists. Everything else just falls flat. Even the soundtrack seems to just be going through the motions. Nobody makes any attempt to act (Jacob alone never makes a face outside of mild constipation), the music is bland and...Edward never sparkled in Brazil despite being in broad daylight for most of that sequence. In fact, none of the vampires did. Did I...did I dream that they had established that in the first movie? I don't know anymore. My head is starting to hurt again.