I don't even know why I do this to myself.

Rating: 1/10 (3 April 2012)

Before I begin, I should preface this by saying that I have not read the books. I don't plan on it. I intend to judge this movie as the movie it is. Also, I'm not even sure why I still watch these movies. I'm not a fan. I'm not on any "team". I think it's just me hoping that as long as the "Twilight" series is still as awful as I think it is, my judgment and humanity have no been compromised.
Having said all that, this was not a movie so much as a big, frustrating, awkward pause. All of the movies up to this point have been 120 minute set ups for the next movie, and really, the whole series is a 360 minutes leading up to this. Wedding! Sex! So, how did it fail? First, Bella, or "that one" as I affectionately call her, still can't peak my interest in her as a character. She doesn't seem to care that she's getting married or that short-haired-vampire is being a super bitch about it. She has no emotion and no purpose. During the wedding reception, minor characters sing her praises, but the film's audience has never seen any of the characteristics that they are claiming she has. But I guess she and Edward love each other? Sometimes I'm not so sure, and I will address that later.
The more I watch of this series then the more I realize that Jacob isn't some smoldering, sexy werewolf alternative to Edward. He's a hormone ravaged 17 year old who has a bright future as inmate number 3135453, in for 20-30 years on charges of aggravated assault, public nudity, stalking, and statutory rape. His character never evolves (but then again, none of them do), and he is incredibly annoying when he yells at Bella for making her own decisions, bewildering as they are.
Let me just take one moment, though to say that Anna Kendrick is the only likable character in the entire series-- not just this movie. Unfortunately, she is underused since she has two lines and 15 total seconds in the film. I would watch a movie about her. As great as she is, it makes it all the more confusing why every guy in Sh*tstorm, Whereeverthismovie'ssettingis is helplessly in love with Bella and not Anna Kendrick.
As far as the plot goes, things happen, but at an excruciatingly slow pace. It takes 30 minutes to get to the wedding, another 25 to get to the honeymoon, and then a solid hour before the birth scene. There was no reason for each plot point to take that long since none of the scenes are engaging or emotional.
Speaking of things integral to the plot, my biggest gripe is that Edward didn't make Bella a vampire the moment they left the wedding. It would have solved everything. Every problem in the movie, be it Edward hurting Bella during sex or her getting pregnant, and all of the stupid things that happen because of, that would have been solved had he just done the deed. They were on their honeymoon. They could have easily dealt with her transformation, come up with a story to tell her dad, and f*cked like we all wanted them to.
There was one moment when I actually identified with Bella, and that was when she was frustrated that Edward wasn't having sex with her. I was frustrated to. I didn't rent that movie to see two sexy teenagers NOT have sex.
Edward once again proves that he emotionally abusive when he refuses to have sex with her and then berates her for choosing to have the baby. No matter how little sense it made for her to continue her pregnancy, it was her choice and he just made snide comments about how she's gonna die. I can see why she married him. No, I can't. This movie will plague a generation of women because it taught them that the reason their boyfriends abuse them mentally and emotionally is because they really love them.
The next hour of the movie is watching her waste away and listening to people take part in a thinly veiled abortion argument. But this is a good Mormon movie, and so she's having the baby whether it kills her or not. And why couldn't it have? The main scene I was hoping to see was just disappointing. They barely showed Edward violently ripping open her womb and eating the placenta. I've been watching you all be boring for 110 minutes. DO SOMETHING.
Now, there is a filler in this where the werewolves are going to fight with the Cullens because of the baby, and who cares. There is no fight. There is never a fight scene in any of these movies, so why even get your hopes up? There is, though, the introduction of "imprinting" which is where.... Actually, it's never explained what imprinting is. Edward just states that Jacob does it to his baby daughter. Since Jacob is a secret canine, I can only assume he marked his territory like all other doges do, and peed on her.
And then it ends with Bella opening her eyes. She's a vampire, now. Jacob is going to be happy with his pee baby, and there can't possibly be anything else to say in this story. But apparently there is. Because there's going to be another one. I might just bow out of the last one and pretend that this was the last movie they made. All of this terrible movie sh*t stresses me out.