The Inconvenience of Vampire Nookie

Rating: 2/10 (6 December 2013)

For those not familiar with the rules of the Official Twilight drinking game they are as follows.
Take a shot/sip when... 1. Someone says the word vampire or wolf or any variation including "newborns". 2. Whenever someone sparkles. 3. When the father appears in police uniform. 4. Whenever someone is brooding. 5. Whenever an obnoxious hipster indie song is being played in the background. 6. Whenever someone doesn't have his shirt on. 7. Whenever someone gives an unrealistically generous gift, does a foolishly gallant act or otherwise bends the rules of common sense for Bella.
Drink the rest of the bottle when... 1. Someone unattractive or out of shape is on screen. 2. Something in a scene makes you feel anything other than sleepiness or the need to plant your face in your hands.
Thus I delved into the world of Breaking Dawn Part 1. In this film, Edward and Bella take the plunge so she can become a vampire like she's always wanted. Jacob pisses and moans, and Bella has unprotected sex while still human resulting in her mutant baby trying to eat its way out of her womb. You know, true love and all that good stuff.
My roommate, whose expertise on Twilight I value as much as one reasonably can, filled in some of the holes that went unexplained or glossed over in the flick. Why can't they just turn her into a vampire while pregnant? Because it would kill the baby. Why is the act of sex with a vampire while human potentially deadly? Because their skins as hard as diamonds and they're super strong. How can these vampires live for eons amassing enough money to afford a private island off the coast of Brazil without the IRS at least knowing about it? And for that matter why would vampires want a vacation home in sunny Rio anyway? Just shut up and watch the movie!
My roommate did bring up an interesting notion that was not explained in the movie nor, she believes, explained in the book. How can they even have sex? Vampires have no pulse so they have no blood actually coursing through their veins. It only stands to reason that Edward can't get his little Dracula to stand at attention. So Bella is waiting to be turned, just so she can have human carnal knowledge of a cold corpse with a flaccid iditarod. Perhaps if you're being turned into a bloodsucker while you're performing (its been known to happen in vampire movies) then you'd have a fully erect projectile for always and forever but that would be a very inconvenient case of rigamortis. You'd never be able to wear mesh shorts, birds would always want to perch on you and all your vampire friends would always call you Vlad the Impaler. But on the positive side you'd actually achieve every pubescent boy's deep seeded fantasy; you could use you're dingus as a weapon!
Of course its all fun and games until someone gets pregnant. That's why its important kids, to make and keep important commitments to your loved ones. In this case, commit to spending the rest of eternity with a manipulative Gothic horror monster before getting jiggy with it or else be forced to drink O- slurpees while your ribcage and spine breaks from the force of your bloodthirsty monster child. By the way, the baby's name is Renesmee a mix of Bella's mother's name and the punchline of a cruel practical joke. The newborn is also imprinted by Jacob which is a way for a werewolf to leave his marking that disappointingly doesn't involve rising his hind legs.
In the end, Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a vapid, stupid, glacierly paced movie with very little going for it other than the welcome sight of Bella withering away. So its a substantial improvement from the rest of the series. I actually look forward to the next and hopefully final chapter in the franchise. Maybe if I get liquored up before the premiere (or during), I would only remember the good parts, like the credits.
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