The Top Twenty-Eight Things I Learned From Twilight 4a: Part 1

Rating: 1/10 (30 January 2012)

1. And God said: "Since AIDS didn't teach you, I bestow 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1' upon you."
2. The cast's acting ability is equivalent to a possum under attack.
3. Shouting out "You did THIS!" to a man who recently impregnated his wife isn't just insultingit's obvious.
4. While playing chess, it is appropriate to gleefully proclaim: "I win!" like a five-year-old verses the oh-so-ancient "checkmate."
5. According to the morals of somewhat-writer Stephanie Meyer, it is acceptable to kill humans as long as you're in the healthy position of playing both judge and executioner. Long-live mormons.
6. If it was previously okay for someone over 100 to woo someone under 18-years-old, then I guess the same could be done for a teen to an 18-minute-old infant.
7. 'Twilight' contains as many vampires as the Republican Party contains Christians.
8. Within 3-seconds of the start time, Jacob rips off his shirt. Release the horny and lonely 50-year-old moms!
9. Werewolves tend to get sick at the sight of blood, apparently.
10. You know you have script problems when George Lucas, himself, has dialogue suggestions.
11. The original subtitle of 'Breaking Wind' was questionably rejected.
12. Soap Operas, left and right, are being cancelled and yet this has a theatrical release? My apologies, World.
13. Mercifully, to cut some costs on lighting, the moon is full in every night shot, despite the continuity of scenes.
14. If this is the Anti-Abortion-Advertisement it screams, I will pull the hanger myself.
15. More got accomplished in the 16 Republican debates than in two draining hours here.
16. I've heard the same bed that breaks in the movie during Edward and Bella's sex scene happens in the book. Big deal; I used to call that: Tuesday Night.
17. Worried your unborn child might become a demonic offspring? Turn to Yahoo on an Apple laptop for all your answers.
18. Who knew a pack of talking dogs could be this funny, outside of Pixar's 'Up'?
19. The Mayans calendar has been recalculated to narrow the end of days to 2/11/12. In a completely unrelated story, 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1' is being released on video that same day.
20. Wincing as hard as you can and uttering the line: "Why can't you see how perfectly happy I am?" isn't the most believable pose to convince someone they're good in bed.
21. Finally, a movie I can agree actors deserved a $30 million paycheck. Isn't that the going rate for a soul?
22. I believe in Guilty Pleasures. Although, to call 'Twilight' that, would only be half-right.
23. Some women are undeniably psychic when it comes to pregnancy. For example, Bella acts constipated for roughly 2 weeks prior to her actual conception.
24. I admit: I've never been to war. But, I can imagine watching this is what it's like seeing someone's arm getting blown off.
25. Howcananyonekeep a straight face with dialogue such as "'Kind' is my middle name"?
26. Pitching a movie in Hollywood should always take longer than the writing of the screenplay. Right?
27. Breakfast of champions: Chicken, Peanut Butter and Vomit. I wonder if she's pregnant.
28. Failed attempt at positivity: It's not as bad I thought it would be. It's worse.