American Psycho Nosferatu

Rating: 3/10 (24 November 2011)

I'm not that old (> 30 < 35), but I feel older after every Twilight installment since Catherine Hardwicke's first. I'm also increasingly convinced Kristen Stewart is a zombie. But a good zombie in the box office sense of zombies who connect to audiences similarly disconnected or detached from anything authentic except self-absorption via texting or phone app.
That's why I somewhat understood the Harry Potter franchise. I could see the human values that drove Harry & friends to choose as they did, to do what they must, hence it's real, imperfect connection to "people" despite surreal, fantastic wizardry.
But Twilight? How do we connect if we're not, already, "Twihards"? Vampire vegans? {Giggle}. Bella's chastity? Expedience. Cullen affluence? Zzzz. Subtext materialism? ZZZZZ. Menage a trois? Yes, we can all identify (not). Were it not for Billy Burke's recurring role as Bella's simple but necessarily clueless father, Twilight might as well be American Psycho Nosferatu sans irony.
What you'll get in Twilight IV: Prince William wedding, Club Med honeymoon, Sexless sex, Rosemary's baby, Call of the wild, Alien c- section, Avatar rebirth.
What you'll miss from Twilight I: the authentic now nostalgic Bella the awkward, Bella the clumsy, Bella the new kid in school, a new kid's natural gravitation to outsiders albeit in this case, supernatural outsiders; a small but likable posse of school chums, Bella's believable rapprochement with her estranged father, Bella's credible self-discovery through the discovery of Edward's vampirism, compelling conflict between good v. bad vampires, Bella's painful though triumphant role in the resolution of said conflict.