An abortion ad which isn't sure which side to support.

Rating: 1/10 (25 November 2011)

The Twilight saga is not the smartest thing that has happened to the universe, but for a moment I am going to cast all my past disdain aside. I am willing to forget that it has repeatedly raped vampires. I am willing to forget that it has no logical consistency whatsoever and I am also perfectly willing to forget that my girlfriend dumped me for not being 'sparkly as Edward in the sunlight.' With Breaking Dawn, like the title suggests, it is a fresh start - a new dawn.
That's a lie. Obviously.
First scene - Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and his muscles (Photoshop) storm out of the house in a fit of rage. They barely walks two steps when they decide that they don't like their shirt very much and Jacob removes it to reveal his perfectly sculpted, Greek-God-like body. He does that in the zarking rain, by the way, just because that makes a whole lot of sense. The move achieves the desired result - drool, drool, drool. Jacob and his muscles have an understandable reason for their apoplexy. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), who is their crush, and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), the glow-in-the-sun vampire, are finally getting wed. But our part-time werewolf isn't happy, no sir.
First thirty minutes and they are still getting wed in the most depressing public gathering I have seen. The camera meanders through Bella's face, to her feet, to the cape she's dragging behind her, to her face, to the back of her head, down her neck, down her back and back to her goddamn face again; all as she walks down the aisle with her father Charlie (Billy Burke). Everyone's happy, except Bella, who maintains a jizzed-in-my-pants expression on her face, and does pretty good job out of it. Jacob and his muscles make a "surprise" appearance to warn Bella against the dangers of vampire-intercourse and pregnancy, before Bella and Edward sneak off to Brazil to celebrate their honeymoon.
The honeymoon is the second most creepy thing that happens in the movie. Ensconced within a cozy hut, this is the place where Bella and Edward finally do it. The entire purpose of the series is accomplished here in one nasty night. That is why everyone was reading it, seeing it and going gaga about it. They wanted to know how the process of inter-specie human-vampire coitus feels. Why is it creepy? a) If you didn't read it correctly, I just said human-vampire coitus. Yes, a human having it with a vampire! Is that even legal? b) Bella is 18, Edward around a hundred. If you consider his other age, 17, he becomes a minor in half of the American states. c) They break the bed while doing it. What is he? A baby elephant?
And guess what happens then! Oh, you already know it! Bella gets pregnant! Surprise, surprise! How could Edward do this?! With his lifespan he still hasn't learnt the use of protection! What a dumbass! Jacob and his muscles warned her! What will happen now?! She will die! But, wait! Maybe she will shove a few contraceptives down her throat! Or maybe she'll abort the foetus! But she is Bella Swan, The Vanquisher of Death! She won't do any of those things! Because human-vampire intercourse often kills common sense!
The thing that single-handedly grabs the prize for being the most egregious thing about the film is the story. They made a hundred and seventeen minute-long movie on marriage, childbirth and the benefits of abortion. Are you kidding me?
The acting isn't world class, either. All the actors do is maintain one- pained, long-drawn expression on their faces - of anguish. The three lead characters, Lautner, Pattinson and their prized-trophy Stewart, still haven't learnt what it takes to become real actors. At this point, it isn't even funny; it's just pitiful.
The most creepy thing that happens in the movie is the child-birth process, and if creepy isn't bad enough, the movie also makes it disgusting. Bella's face contorts into hideous shapes, she screams like her head is on fire and there is even plenty of blood and biting. Sure, it might be realistic and all but that is not what the viewers paid for. They don't want to know how cross-breeds-between-vampires-and-humans are born. There was absolutely no reason to show it the way they did. Eating your popcorn and drinking coke during that scene is a very bad idea.
Jacob and his muscles are the only sane ones in this almighty mess, after all he seems to be the only one who knows that inter-specie sex is a bad idea indeed. With the exception of Jacob, his muscles and their sanity in this asylum, along with the decent soundtrack, the film is sickeningly obnoxious. What I really want to see after this is what happens after 50 years when they are sick and tired of each other and realize what incredible fools they were to take such drastic (REALLY DRASTIC) steps on mere infatuation. My guess is that they will blame it on the hormones. Everyone does.
Ah, another thing before I forget. The film scores some brownie points for asking some really thought provoking questions like Bella asking Edward "Are you a virgin?" or the even more amazing concerning her pregnancy "I know that it's impossible, but I think I am pregnant... Can this really happen?" Good questions, Mrs. Cullen.