Breaking Down

Rating: 10/10 (27 November 2011)

Oh, Bella, gorgeous Bella. I'll try to be as impartial as I possibly can (may be hard though).
This is my very first review. And this is the first Twilight film I actually watched at the cinema too.
First thing that comes to mind to any normal person is, why, oh why would someone watch a movie like this? Well, to be perfectly honest, I DO NOT KNOW. I certainly know why I went to see it, though: I hadn't been to the cinema in about 6-7 years; so I made a sort of half-serious remark on Facebook stating that the best way to return to the cinema after so many years would be to go watch Breaking Dawn. It'd be the perfect humiliation, you know.
To make it short: me and a couple friends ended up going to watch it and offer our most constructive criticism throughout the course of the movie.
To be perfectly honest, it wasn't as terrible as I expected. I mean, it's your typical teenage-drama-horror-comedy flick. Oh, yeah, and it's also a vampire movie (I think). There are some unbearably boring moments (i.e. most scenes with Bella in it), but other than that it's a pretty funny movie (as in "ROFLOL, this actually IS supposed to be serious!! But it's hilarious!!).
Anyway, right at the start you are greeted by Jacob's manly, manly chest. So that's a plus for the Jacob fan-girls/boys. I promise every time Jacob comes into a scene, you'll be waiting for him to take off his shirt (he doesn't do it all the time, though--probably because if he did, too many people would faint from orgasms--but you can always strip him naked with your eyes anyway ^.~).
Then we have Edward and Bella's wedding. Boring stuff. The expression in Bella's face is so... how can I put it? Homogeneous perhaps? Looks as if she always was in a perpetual state of excruciating anguish and sorrow--or perhaps she's just constipated by nature.
Poor girl.
Pray to the Gods you don't catch Bella's Syndrome, as I heard it's very contagious (I nearly got it myself).
What else? Oh, yeah, how could I forget! About one hour into the film we finally realize what the film was all about: turns out the main theme of this movie revolves around Bella's impossible pregnancy. Basically, Eddie takes Bella to a remote island to rape her with his frozen phallus (Bella obviously consents, because that's how she is, ya know). Now, if you're into vampire lore, you should know that a vampire's frozen penis cannot impregnate a woman's womb. Nevertheless, Bella gets pregnant anyway (go figure) and a giant ugly tumor grows inside her belly at exponential rate, endangering her frail little life unto death as the monstrous, hideous abomination grows within her stomach.
To make a long story short: baby is born, Bella dies. Lot of blood and guts. Wolf pack wants to kill baby. Vampire coven tries to protect baby. Bella is still dead. Jacob is heart-broken (and I kinda sympathize with the guy now). And Edward performs necrophilia on Bella's rotting corpse in an (almost futile) attempt to bring her back to life.
And then... *GASP!" Bella comes back from the dead--REVAMPED! (no pun intended)
So the film ends on a cliffhanger.
How ingenious.
10 OUT OF 10 STARS!!
Things we learn from this film:
1. If ya gonna drink blood, better be O negative and you should sip it slowly with a straw from a Starbucks cup.
2. If it's a fetus, it's a baby. Quite possibly. (Thanks Jasper for your wise remark.)
3. A vampire's frozen phallus can actually impregnate constipated little girls.
4. Eddie has some serious homosexual inclinations (as we can see at the beginning of the movie when he tells Bella that there's something nasty she should know about him--then we're taken into a flashback where we are shown that given the choice between raping a lady or a gentleman, he'd always go for the latter).
5. Werewolves must need an ample repertoire of spare clothing, as every time they transform their clothes are ripped to shreds (I guess this is why they are often seen half-naked, with their manly chests exposed to the winds, wearing only a pair of lousy pants--not because they are an uncivilized tribe of Indians or whatever, but actually because they cannot afford the luxury of having their clothes torn apart every time they turn into wolves).
6. Brazil is carnival 24/7. No sleep, no work. Just party!
7. If you imprint on someone, that individual becomes your "soulmate" and nobody can harm him/her. This is a Werewolf's most Supreme Law!