Good Lord Where Did This Atrocious Film Come From

Rating: 1/10 (23 November 2011)

WTF was this piece of garbage? From the moment the movie opened with the standard "Bella" voice over of what is meant to be a meaningful quote to the "bonus" mid-credit Volturi scene, this move was absolutely horrendous.
First let me state that I have read all the books a couple of times and even the "Edward" point of view of Twilight. What can I say, remembering the first crush,unattainable romance of my teen years was hard to resist.
That being said, where in the hell did this movie adaptation of Breaking Dawn come from? Certainly not the Oscar-award-winning director Bill Condon whose work on Gods and Monsters and Kinsey was truly amazing. The man obviously either needed the money or lost his mind to create this drivel. Seriously, it must be embarrassing when even the stars of the movie are making snide comments (Pattinson) when they are making millions as well as 2.5% of the gross.
So, here are a few of my musings on the ridiculousness and one semi-decent parts of Breaking Dawn--Part I.
First, this is a wedding that Edward & Bella, not to mention the fans, have been waiting for for several years (in Edwards case nearly a century) and the most emotion either Pattinson or Stewart could muster was attempting not to laugh while reciting their vows. Thank god for Anna Kendrick's spot-on portrayal of Jessica and Kellan Lutz's much needed comic relief performance of Emmet and Rathbone's ridiculously over-dramatic Jasper. I have to say, he and Rathbone decided they were going to have a good time making this one, excuse me, two and that is just what they did.
Two, what was up with the honeymoon? I understand that it was PG-13 and meant for the tween and teen set but couldn't they have given the moms sneaking in at mid-day matinées or, for that matter, anyone who has read the book a little credit? Where in the hell was the sparkle motion? Even the Twilight haters know that Edward, not to mention every vampire in this series, sparkles in the sunlight--um that's why they went to the private island for their honeymoon. Also, what was so damn exciting about playing chess? I'm sure it was a metaphor for who was going to get their way in regards to sex--Bella wins when she says please--but come on, isn't about time we got over that and the red and white chess pieces and board in all the movies?
Three, for all that is holy, what were they thinking with the whole wolf telepathy craziness? The animation was ridiculous and the multiple voice over at the same time was driving me nuts. Oh, and what about the terrible acting of the chick that played Leah?
And last, but certainly not least, the decent part of the film, the CGI work that was done on Kristen Stewart to create the pregnant, emaciated and broken Bella. I wasn't a fan of the missing vampire sparkles, the animation on the baby, or turning of the body but I have to give the CGI dudes their props for Stewart. Oh, one more thing they did right was everyone's and I mean everyone's reaction to Bella's idiotic choice of Renesmee as a name for her daughter.
Overall, in my opinion, this movie is the worst of the bunch--and that is saying a lot considering I hated New Moon. Not only were the actors, with the exception of Billy Burke and in some scenes Stewart, just phoning it in for the $$$, some of them seemed to enjoy creating their horrible performances--you know who you and your hair are Pattinson.
If you MUST see this installment of the Twilight Saga I recommend either going to a matinée or cheap theater where you can keep your viewing of this atrociousness a well-kept secret.