I have a better idea

Rating: 1/10 (28 November 2005)

Lets be clear right from the start, I like action movies. Honest. I've always liked action movies. I like dumb action movies. So its not the terrible acting, there are many Jackie Chan films that I love. Its not the sad subservient eye candy female "characters" (not even cartoons, line drawings would be more accurate), I can do that, I'm a man for Pete's sake. Its not the lack of any real plot, a series of nice action scenes strung together with a wisp of motivation will do me, I like Tarantino.
The unforgivable sin for me is to have an action movie with no action. Nice cars? Check. Driving them fact? Check. Guns? Check. Daft fighting? Check. But these aren't action. They are fast cars, guns and fighting.
The Transporter is like an animated version of a mid-range men's fashion magazine. Glossy but not quite cool shots. Almost clever but not quite bylines. Not dumb enough to be funny set pieces. Cut some faces from the underwear pages of a men's clothing catalogue (the bad guys have the same expressions of holding in trapped wind) and stick them onto some Lego men. Make some Lego cars and spend a couple of hours going bbrrrmmm screeeech bbrrrmmm aaarrrggghhh bam bam bam crash crash.
Its more fun. honest.