12 Deadbeats And A Whole Lotta Slime!

Rating: 4/10 (7 August 2011)

In Antarctica, date 1982, Outpost 31 for the US National Science Foundation, is called to arms by the rude invasion of a helicopter piloted by crazed Norwegians aboard armed to the teeth from a neighboring camp a hundred or so miles away. They are carrying out a mission to blow one of their own sled dogs to kingdom come that's currently due inbound. Cue Wagner's Flight Of The Valkyries.
Well, these Norwegians are wussies. First it is revealed they have lost their minds during the first week of winter only after two months spent at their base camp but they can't shoot worth their water either.
It is obvious they pursued their dog for miles from base camp over level, expansive snow and clear skies never managing to inflict a single scratch upon the animal. (Recall the words of Bennings "an hour there, an hour back" before Copper and Mac left to investigate the Norwegian camp.) Scoped semi-automatic assault rifles firing supersonic bullets, box of grenades, and a hovering helicopter capable of airspeeds upwards of 130-150 mph all fails to stop this dog. The Nords had game and should have enjoyed the proverbial kerosene bonfire and been back before dinner. No matter, relating to a future incident in the movie.
But these, Norwegians are scientists, we learn, so what do they know? The terrifying secret about the dog, desperately they do.
That is just the beginning of the flaws inherent to The Thing.
The movie is the second and more faithful adaptation of "Who Goes There?" a 1938 John W Campbell Jr novella about scientists stationed in the Antarctica that uncover a buried spacecraft and a virtually frozen live hostile alien that can assume any identity of any victim it digests.
In JC's version, Outpost 31 is run by a loose crew of 12 men, namely scientists, doctors, pilots, mechanics, a radio operator, a dog handler, and a cook. The story takes places over three days and three nights. Once the members of Outpost 31 learn their new canine guest that very same evening is not what it appears to be, a tidal wave of fear and distrust amongst themselves soon engulfs the whole camp for the same reason after their scientists learn the true nature of this alien menace and the frightening implications it presents to the whole population of Earth abroad.
They've been out of radio contact two weeks and good old natural paranoia builds in this barren isolated microcosm where no one trusts anyone anymore. Their situation motions from grim to even worse when they lose their radio and the copter to one of their doctors whom went over the bend and they're forced to lock him up in the tool shed outside under heavy sedation. Meanwhile, the alien goes to work either assimilating or killing the crew members off one-by-one or vice versa. The coffee pot is on the burner, a bloody sleepless attrition has begun. A hypothetical solution how to identify their alien perpetrator is finally agreed upon by blood test which leads into the movie's best moments during the long third climatic night.
Where The Thing consistently misfires is the fact, the suspense is poorly executed, too reliant upon a smörgåsbord of gross-out special effect wizardry provided by Rob Bottin for shock rather than playing more upon the audience's imaginations for scares. A limp cast provides lackluster underdeveloped alien fodder without an ounce of sympathetic qualities. It would benefit if I actually cared about these characters thereby partook in their helpless terror. But sadly I don't. Every scene and nearly every line of dialogue is suffused with acid resentment, sarcasm, or condescension. Outpost 31 spares viewers of any warmth, any camaraderie amongst courageous human endeavor, and any heroes... Carpenter proceeds to fill every slot in the cylinders with mean getting nastier cyphers then mechanically pulls both triggers. No, the real hero is the alien itself the remaining real actors are an inevitable foaming mad beast, hamstrung and bleeding to death. The constant tension and grudging social pockets amongst these Americans at Outpost 31 is evident they were already on the verge a Chernobyl meltdown, thing or no thing. Their unexpected visitor only triggered it. Then I clap and cheer when the credits finally roll.
Some reasons instrumental to my sentiments is 1) no emotional investment in any of the characters 2) it telegraphs all it's terror moments. Viewers know when something is going to happen because the movie takes the audience by the hands... walking them through it.
Final notes, the amazing score of Ennio Morricone provides the proper downbeat atmosphere. The Thing proved capable of superhuman feats and genius throughout the movie chiefly displayed during the insurmountable task of engineering an underground workshop and one incomplete spacecraft furnished from the remains of Mac's helicopter and other flotsam jetsam lying about in less than two or three days. Survivor of unknown worlds. The Thing survived beneath the Antarctic ice for 100s of thousands of years. A creature with a nature so ingenious and alien, it can perfectly assimilate any other lifeforms in matter of mere moments right down to every quirk and eccentricity and minute detail in brilliant natural mimicry to be entirely unidentifiable from the original. How difficult can 12 grizzled, snowbound, isolated, and grumpy lonely men be, eh?
PS In reality international law forbids flamethrowers and weapons caches such as found in Outpost 31.