please READ before you think of seeing this garbage

Rating: Null/10 (26 June 2004)

Don't be fooled by the very funny trailer for this movie, which promises two hours of enjoyable comedy. This film is not funny. It is a total waste of your time.
Tom Hanks plays Viktor, a man from a fictional East European country, who finds himself stranded in the JFK international terminal when his passport and visa are declared invalid. It's not Viktor's fault -- there's been a coup in his country -- it's just a bizarre bureaucratic nightmare and he's stuck at JFK -- for months.
Stanley Tucci plays the mean-spirited arrogant US Customs Official who's more interested in his own promotion than in showing a measure of kindness and compassion to Viktor.
Viktor meets a guy who works for a catering service, and he's willing to give Viktor some food, but only if Viktor gets info on a cute girl the catering guy is in love with. The fact that Viktor has no money to buy food and has been treated appallingly by the US Customs Dept isn't reason enough for the catering guy to help. No, he'll only help if there's something in it for him. Ha ha ha ha --- oh my tummy hurts from all this hilarity.
Viktor meets an Indian janitor who thinks it's hilarious to watch passengers slip on his freshly-mopped floors. Ha ha ha ha ha -- oh -- it's so funny -- NOT.
Catherine Zeta Jones plays a flight attendant who is sooooooooooooo sad that her married lover wants to spend July 4th with his wife. Poor Catherine -- maybe she should stop screwing around with someone else's husband -- oh hah ah hah ha ha ha -- oh please make it stop, make it stop -- just MAKE IT STOP.
So the movie drags on and on, like the war in Iraq, and every time Viktor finds a way to take care of himself -- like get a job in the terminal so he'll have money for toothpaste and clean underwear and things like that, the nasty US Customs official spitefully finds a way to take all that away. Oh it's just sooooo hilarious, let me tell you -- if you see this film you will end up wanting to see horrible things happen to every human being who made money getting this movie made, especially the so-called "writers" and the "director".