1 Fanciful Nanny + 7 Mildly Retarded Kids = The Worst Musical Ever Committed to Film

Rating: 1/10 (20 September 2005)

If you don't already know, let me tell you: I don't like musicals. I find them to be grating, poorly made, horribly uninteresting affairs. I've never quite understood the logic behind someone breaking into a song and dance routine and singing about their deepest, most secret feelings. If you're secretly in love, it might be best not to do a Bollywood number entitled "I'm in Love!" right in the middle of town. It kind of kills the secret. Also, musicals are always so damn fanciful. Why not do a realistic one? I can just see a musical with a number called "I Just Had an Abortion, and I Feel Fine". That, my friends, would be Academy Award gold.
But no, musicals are never realistic. They tell stories about inner-city gangs who fight with their words and Plies', or nightclub whores for hire with TB who have hearts of gold. And, somehow, people eat this stuff up like it's going out of style, and fast. Honestly, if you've seen one musical you've seen almost all of them. So why do people go to them in droves?
One musical in particular perplexes me most. "The Sound of Music" tells the tale of a naive nun who leaves her convent to raise seven children with a collected IQ so small that, if brains were gas, they couldn't power a motorcycle around the outside of a penny. Together the nanny and the kids sing and sing and sing pointless songs like "Do Re Mi" and the titular track, "The Sound of Music". There's also, "My Favorite Things" in which it is revealed that brown paper packages tied with string make people happy. Well, I suppose the brown paper and string couldn't possibly be as boring as this film.
"The Sound of Music" is not one of those films that is so bad it's good. It's one of the ones that's so bad it makes me want to burn the theater to the ground. If anything, it's the most offensively numb portrayal of World War II ever made. Here we see World War II as a swirling, candy-colored vortex of happiness. Instead of death and terror, the Nazis bring sunshine and lollipops to the world of Maria and the Von Trapp kids. Even in the middle of being chased by Nazi tanks, the Von Trapp clan have time to stop and sing an ode to their beloved hills. Apparently, Hitler had a soft-spot for musical numbers. Why else would the Nazi's stop chasing them long enough to hear "The hills are alive..."?
Look, it's not like I'm saying I wanted a hard-hitting WWII epic, but I would prefer to not have my intelligence insulted. Even the simplest things in this movie are insultingly stupid. Look at Papa von Trapp. He's an Austrian naval officer. Sincewhen does Austria, a land-locked area, have the need for a Navy? Where is this guy sailing, the Olympic pool at the nearest five-star hotel?
The addition of Julie Andrews into this horrific misfire only makes things worse. Of all the movie musical stars, Julie Andrews is the worst by far. She can't sing to save her life and she has the acting range of a less skillful Keanu Reeves. When you're less than Keanu, you know it's time to pack your bags and leave the business. The kids are no better. They're the kind of kid actors who strive way too hard to be cute. They are what I call Lipnickian children, in honor of Jonathan Lipnicki, the world's worst child star.
"The Sound of Music" was directed by Robert Wise, the recently deceased director of such films as "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" and the original "The Haunting". Somewhere in between those two classics, Wise managed to create this steaming turd. How a fine director like Wise got dragged into a project like this is beyond the realm of understanding.
I don't know if Wise ever apologized for making this, but he should have because true fans of his other works would never have seen this coming and, if they're like me, they were not happy. Look at it like this: if Michael Bay, crappy action movie virtuoso, were to direct "Wicked: The Movie Musical", do you think fans of his "Armageddon" (should they exist) would be pleased?