The shape of...theatrical barf

Rating: 1/10 (20 June 2018)

I can't believe the pathetic poopfest movies that are getting such high acclaim lately, with this being the latest and perhaps most baffling. Let's see: mute girl falls in love with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Yeah, great idea for a movie. Not. Are you kidding me? If this had been made as a farcical B movie it might have been worth a "well nothing better is on" watch, but it's not. This movie actually takes it self seriously and expects us to do the same, despite a completely absurd premise couldn't be worse, and one which was horribly butchered to boot. We start with completely pointless nudity and shots of our star masterbating (that probably scored big points with the Hollywood crowd - no wonder it won awards), then we're introduced to a series of characters, none who are at all likable, believable, or even interesting, including an absurdly cliched Dr Evil type who wants nothing more than to kill/torture our poor Black Lagoon dude. We're given nothing even the tiniest bit believable in terms of how/why this girl falls in love with fishface, even for a movie. And, being Hollywood, they make sure to go out of their way to toss the race card in your face now and again (God forbid that be left out of a movie!), despite that having basically nothing to do with the movie (no doubt why it was places in the 60s). The script (at least early on) was like Don King's hairdo, frequently shooting off in haphazard, unrelated, and pointless ways. I could go on and on, but unlike the movie, I'll be merciful and stop there. But basically don't waste your time.