The Shape of Jellybean

Rating: 6/10 (7 March 2018)

Was this really directed by Del Torro? I'm pretty sure the script was written by Seth McFarlane. Because this has to got to the most sexual movie I've ever seen. And I've watch South Park, Scary Movie, Fifty Shades of Black and FDR: American Bada**. And liked all of them. This is a new low. The plot is so thin and barebone that I wonder what's dumber, Attraction or this. But I'm 100% sure neither is remotely worth an Oscar.
Is the movie beautifully shot? Yes. Indeed. Is it well-acted? Sort of, the three faces try to follow their characters, although they aren't presented with much difficulty. So, yes, for the fans of blatant romance shot beautifully, Fifty Shades of Grey style and all that - 6\10, right there.
But for an Oscar? Interstellar didn't win an Oscar. And that movie had a palette of actors across multiple plots, while being, that's right "interstellar and sciency". So how can this one-page script, disgorged by the insane amounts of obscenity, be a winner? It's not like it had a lot of opposition, but... even Oldman in a fat suit might be better.
So what's all this obscenity? Well, besides not shying away from full frontal nudity, the movie depicts female m*stur*ation routine, discusses male toilet habits, manages to squeeze in homophobia and even certain kinky s*x approaches. It takes time to explain how "fish stick"(for those, who get this precise South Park reference) works and how low women can fall in life.
Yet, you know what's probably the worst part of the movie? As it is for most romantic movies? It's absolutely stupid to anyone, who doesn't get a boner from it. Like, Avatar, Attraction, you name it, you always root for the bad guy. Because their position is correct. See, in this movie, the pathetically infatuated p*sswiper, who can get around a secret facility better than James Bond, and who just can't search for a man even if it killed her - manages to kill a number of people, to ruin a perfectly happy family, to prevent proper scientific breakthroughs and even to ruin her friends' lives. Because I'm pretty sure the police will have a swell day with that old g*y guy and the black friend of hers.
Once again, what could've been a beautifully shot Sci-Fi movie with possible s*xual subplot, with proper characters, happy ending, twists and revelations - ended up in nonsense. Everything was there, it would just take a few chess pieces moved around and you'd have a proper Oscar candidate.
The scientist was a perfect man for our heroine, the fish guy could very well be an interest, but only an interest. Not to the point of risking "everything" by flooding the apartment to have s*x in the bathroom. Present your findings to the scientist. Let him talk the bad guy out of the operation. Let the bad guy talk the general out of the operation. Coerce the fish guy to show his healing powers. Research them, trying to make sure that the subject doesn't die. Show a number of personality changes that can affect even that black friend's life(which is constantly mentioned, but goes nowhere). Maybe I'm a s*cker for happy ending, but a happy ending after enough troubles - is worth it.
Yet a dramatic ending after a load of bullkak - is not. Because this is what the movie is. A lot of incredibly stupid, obscene, forced, fabricated drama - just to have a Disney ending. If this thing won an Oscar, I will never, ever, feel bad about p*rating a movie. Because the industry is becoming something that feeds itself. It's not about quality, about public reception, about supporting the movie. It's about advertisement, paid reviews and proper nominations. This is what pays for the whole thing. That is basically "Straight to DVD" to me.
On a final note... I can't remember a single sound piece from the movie. It was all about the old musicals. So... was it De-splat... or De-splash? Oh, and, that thing ate a cat. It doesn't deserve to live to begin with. Because a cat eats a fish, not the other way around. See, if the movie doesn't want to be sane, why do I have to?