Absolutely terrible...

Rating: 1/10 (28 May 2009)

I'm beginning to wonder if I even saw the same movie as most of the reviewers on IMDb. Words cannot even begin to describe the truly awful nature of this misbegotten freak-show.
To begin, "The Rocker" is hands-down not funny, unless you're 10 years old or stoned. Don't get me wrong - I understand it's supposed to be stupid. But there's the "Gradma's Boy" and "School of Rock" brand of stupid (which are both funny), and there is this monstrosity. The entire movie's comedic content consists of a litany of awkwardly delivered jokes that fall flat on their faces and some half-hearted slapstick. I think Rainn Wilson is a pretty funny guy, but his delivery resembles the performance of a high school drama student attempting to mimic Jack Black. He has the gestures, intonation, and facial expressions pretty close, but then you realize that somebody already acts like this - Jack Black. Same thing for the rest of the cast, with the occasional exception of Jason Sudeikis - all reading embarrassingly bad jokes that were obviously written by a teen-movie comedy writer. Everything that was attempted in this movie has been done more skillfully in "Rock Star" and "School of Rock." Next, I thought I would be treated to an 80's hair metal feast. Not so. To tell you the truth, I can't really remember if any real songs were in this soundtrack besides Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" and Foreigner's "Feels Like the First Time." No. That is not enough. That is not acceptable in a movie titled "The Rocker", about a washed-up, bitter, ex-80's hair metal drummer. There are some pseudo-80's hair songs played by the antagonist band of the story, Vesuvius, but they, like the jokes, seem like cheap imitations of more talented artists. This might be expected from an 80's band that never quite made it to the big time, but the writers of this movie would have you believe that everybody on the face of the planet is stupid for Vesuvius. Not very convincing when the best songs come out sounding like third-rate Ratt. Does anybody really think everybody and their moms would be listening to this? Please. And I love hair-metal. Even so, the fans of Vesuvius can simultaneously stomach the poppy, sugar-coated tunes of A.D.D., the high school band that Fish joins. Which brings up another point.
A.D.D's music sounds like the result of a foursome between The Jonas Brothers and Avril Lavigne. Absolute dreck. Somehow, you're supposed to believe that this band would open for a multi-platinum glam-band sensation. But, apparently, the fans don't seem to care, because the same ones that are bobbing their heads to the catchy emo-esquire licks of A.D.D are still there throwing up the horns when Vesuvius comes out to "rock." And don't forget to throw in gratuitous shots of fans, parents, and manager smiling along to the juicy beat of A.D.D., as if they're thinking to themselves, "Man, these kids are GOOD! Go for it!" How does A.D.D. shoot to the top in a matter of months to become the second most popular band in the world (soon to be first)? Easy - a bootleg video of one of their practices uploaded to YouTube catches the attention of a major label's manager/producer, who shows up at their door to sign a record deal. Take note fledgling bands - it's that easy. A parent meeting is called shortly after, and after a feeble "discussion" about something, all the parents decide that it's a great opportunity to let the kids go on tour by themselves. Literally, the discussion lasts like 5 minutes, with each parent successively caving in after each other. Tripe.
Finally, at the end of the movie, there's the obligatory scene of the manager getting fired, complete with the jaw-clenchingly predictable "you're fired" line delivered by Fish. The problem is, the manager isn't even really unlikable. He didn't really do anything wrong except suggest replacing Fish, a suggestion he quickly retracts after protestations from the rest of the band mates. Aside from that, he's the guy that walked up to their door and hand-delivered the contract to them that makes them famous and encourages them to get to work. But, I guess the movie needed a bad guy, and he happened to be available. Too bad,because he's the only one who's remotely funny in this beast of a movie.
If you're looking for a 40ish rock band dreamer movie that feels and sounds like it was written by Disney's best, this is the one for you. Or, I suppose if you thought "School of Rock" and "Rock Star" were too edgy and mature, then you could probably rent this for a family night forced-laugh. Everybody else, stay away from this disappointing heap of dog turds. It's for your own good.