R.I.N.G. -- Remade Into Nauseating Garbage. Another perfect example of how to Americanize (aka ruin) flawless Japanese cinema.

Rating: Null/10 (21 October 2002)

Being a huge fan of the original RINGU series, I was eagerly awaiting this American remake for several months. Don't get me wrong, I was wary at first, but as the release date grew nearer and the trailers and positive reviews started pouring in, I became more and more anxious to see it. I walked into my local bug-infested, foul-smelling cinema with high hopes. Plopping myself into a sticky, soda-encrusted seat, I began feeling a sense of overbearing excitement as I impatiently waited for the godawful previews to end and the lights to dim. However, ten minutes into the movie, I knew exactly what I was in for: a dull, formulated, vastly overhyped letdown. As the film trudged to an overlong, disappointing conclusion I was constantly reminded of a little promise I had made myself after seeing NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990), PSYCHO (1998), and OCEAN'S ELEVEN (2001): under no circumstances will I ever watch another remake again, especially those remakes whose originals are completely faultless in and of themselves, and couldn't possibly be effectively updated and/or improved in any way without detracting from the superiority of the original. How I wish I could keep my own promises!
In the 1998 masterpiece, a distinct feeling of dread and uneasiness was constantly present, slowly but tensely building into an unexpected and downright terrifying climax. The mood it created was absolutely haunting and so carefully executed that it stuck with you long after the credits rolled. It didn't need to rely on big-budget special effects and continuous loud, cheaply startling jump-cuts. Unfortunately, that's all THE RING has going for it. It doesn't even try to tap into the nail-biting atmosphere of the original. Sadly, with the permeation of trashy stalk-'n-slash gorefests during the 80s and trendy, pop-horror SCREAM clones during the 90s, it's safe to say that modern American horror has dug itself into an inescapable rut of thoughtlessness, unoriginality, and an embarrassing dependency on attractive characters (who, might I add, are usually half-dressed or nude at some point, if not most, of the movie) and gross visuals. THE RING is no different. It is typical, contrived, and pretentious to the nth degree.
The lackluster remake also strips RINGU bare of its enigmatic nature, spending way too much time trying to explain everything. There is nothing left to the imagination. Everything is spelled out for us, right up to the trite, tacked-on ending. In RINGU, the viewer is left to draw his or her own conclusions, but not here. Everything is wrapped up nice and neatly. God forbid we have to think!
THE RING just couldn't seem to get anything right, not even the movie within the movie. The videotape in RINGU contained about 30 seconds of grainy, abstract, and unsettling images. After it is played for the viewer, you feel as if you are now part of the curse. In THE RING, it is stretched out into a lengthy, laughable mishmash of arbitrary nonsense. RINGU's tape worked because it was brief and of extremely low quality, making appear as if VHS is far too new a medium for its content. This also succeeds in adding a great deal of ambiguity to the tape's origin. Upon seeing the video playback in THE RING, you'll find that it's just the opposite: long and overproduced, complete with sharp color, fluid motion, needless gross-outs, and even computer-generated images. Give me a break! Noah's braindead character chalked it up accurately when he mumbled "it's very student film", except for the fact that many student films are actually way more interesting.
Although I was deeply disappointed in this movie, I realize now that I shouldn't have been so eager to believe that it had even a smidgen of potential. After all, what on earth could I have been expecting from the writer and the director of such insipid, braindead pictures like "Scream 3" and "Mouse Hunt"? Shame on me.
Next time you're standing at the box office, contemplating which overpriced movie ticket to spend your hard-earned cash on, take my word and pass on THE RING. At least wait about two or three weeks when the general public realizes it sucks and it ends up at the $1 theater. Or better yet, order yourself a copy of RINGU instead.