Two hours of baloney that overbuilds to....nothing

Rating: 3/10 (26 March 2005)

Spoiler free, no specific actions or character details given
The Ring will entertain you fully and you will have no unanswered questions if you accept anything that is thrown at you and never stop to ponder even the simplest details.
Okay, there's a videotape that kills people after they watch it. A little girl is involved. We know that, but there's unanswered questions. Well, the movie does give you answers, which are satisfying as long as you don't ask a single follow-up question. If I want to know why some angry kid went on a shooting spree at school, the local news will give me the answers why. Instead, "The Ring" IS that troubled kid. For any question I ask, be it "how did this happen?" or "why?", the answer is a basic, uninspired "uhh, because". He may even give me an answer that he thinks makes perfect sense such as "I want to kill people so I got a gun and did". And of course, if that's all you ever heard of the case, and no other explanation were given for the series of questions that would follow, you'd be completely satisfied, right?
Well, not for most people, but then here you have the Ring which pulls that crap with almost every important question you'd have. Yes, you learn how this video kills people, as demonstrated in one of the two "big reveals" of the film that is so powerful and scary that I think "Oh," and shrug. The other big reveal a is red herring near the end that's just a bit of dialog - basically "Uh oh, what we thought was the case really isn't, and now it's actually worse!" The film ruins this too, giving no explanation, reasoning or motive whatsoever for what was just explained. Savin' it for the sequel I guess.
The end made me realize that, more than anything, I could have summed up this film in one sentence and saved myself a lot of time and letdown. Yes there's a little girl, a well, and a mysterious video that kills people. But why, how, and what do they all have to do with each other? Well, the big "why" is revealed without much more than "well, uh, because". "How" isn't answered at all- not in any logical, explainable way unless you just accept the very silly and ostensibly MEGA CHILLING super payoff that I think I was supposed to have seen. Of course, after seeing what I saw, I'd still like to know "how" that event, upon which this movie's very premise hangs, is possible. No explanation attempted. You just buy it, 'cuz it makes the story super neato, you know?
As for "what do they all have to do with each other?" Well, the movie goes on for an eternity trying to make this the big mystery. In fact, if I gave you the answers to what happens, then went into detail of how this is visually represented, you'd probably think there'd have to be SOMETHING more going on, and probably say "oh, that's what happens? How? Why? (there's those troublesome words again).
Nope, there ain't much of a story here. It's a concept that, when stripped down, comes down to a special effect, one that has different motives than what we were led to believe. Huh, pretty powerful I guess, or so I'm supposed to think based on the Sixth Sense "slowly zoom in on the character as they reveal the 'big twist'" shot. I mean, sure I know that the movie's last ten minutes are supposed to be pretty profound and I'm not supposed to question it. I suppose it's just the natural learner in me that says "Gee, now I know the big secret. The video kills people by doing what I just saw. What again is the motive for this, how again does it work through a plastic videotape, and why does it take 100 minutes of buildup for the basic or nonexistent answers I received? Huh, what? Distract me with the end credits and release a couple answers on a special edition DVD released in time for the sequel? Sure, sounds great.
To make matters worse, no one in the movie is appealing. The protagonist is a pest and a (expletive). In addition to other annoyances, she's rude enough to walk up to someone's horse, let it out of its cage, and watch its resultant gory death as its little girl owner cries in horror, all without a word of apology or explanation. I can also ponder credibility leaps like how she can be holding a dessicated corpse while up to her waist in putrid water and not think too much of it.
Of course I'll get a personal message ridiculing my stupidity. How dare I try to find logic in a film that, as a horror film, shouldn't apply to logic? It's simple. I got the film, got the message. But you know, after two hours and all that praise, I expected a better ending than that, or at least some explanation beyond "it's just magical. Accept it." Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a horror film too, but Leatherface didn't kill people by popping out of a tree and making his chainsaw hover at his victims. If a movie isn't going to bother being realistic, it should at least give a better explanation than this film did.
But hey, this movie is the perfect conformist's exercise. Everyone else loves it, so surely I must be stupid if I don't. I guess I need to just watch it and accept it, not asking any questions or pointing out flaws in the story since that's clearly what everyone else has done. Then once I'm done with that I can go and love Blair Witch instead of actually wondering what it was on the screen that I was supposed to be terrified of.