You never realized watching a David Lynch short would be so deadly

Rating: Null/10 (28 October 2002)

Spoilers below.
I'm not sure exactly what I expected with "The Ring" beyond what the preview lays out for you. It's a horror film. It has some twist about a video tape that kills people. It's edgy and uses those nifty effects that horror directors use these days to make things seem creepy.
I suppose the thing I expected most out of "The Ring" was to be scared. Or at least, recognize an attempt to frighten the audience. Sadly, too much of the film relies on BIG LOUD BURSTS OF SOUND to cause the audience to jump. In the theatre I was in, this was the most common way that the audience got "scared" and that's a real s****y sign in a horror movie. The overall "scary" plot wasn't bad, but ultimately didn't hit home as being anything special, even though the director desperately wanted it to be.
The film stars Naomi Watts as the young, less-perky-than-in-Mullholand-Drive investigative reporter who decides to follow up on a rumor/legend after her niece dies. The film gets a little unclear at this point, partly to keep the audience guessing but also I suspect because the writer didn't have a clear idea of where he wanted to go with the plot. Watts discovers that her niece and three other teens watched a video tape and all died seven days later. While her niece was found in a weird mummified state following a sudden heart stoppage, the other teens had died in a car crash and committed suicide. The ways they die aren't really thought of as important however, because we know that it was really watching the tape that killed them.
Watts tracks down the tape and promptly watches it. The tape was supposed to be disturbing, but I found myself wondering how much they paid David Lynch to use part of Eraserhead. Watts gets a phone call telling her that she only has seven days left. She then discovers that her face won't appear right on film. Freaked out, she promptly shows the tape to her son's father, then leaves a copy laying around so her son can see it too. Spooked but determined to use her investigative skills to track down a solution to her mess, she digs deeper into the mystery of the tape and why it kills people. This leads Watts on a merry chase through Pacific Northwest charm until she discovers that a young girl was drowned by her mother in a well and that by diving in and holding her as she crumbles the "curse" is lifted. Everyone is happy. except this was all just a big bait and switch, and now the dead girl is free to run amuck and kills her boyfriend. Luckily, Watts doesn't have to worry about getting killed because she made a copy of the tape and showed it to someone else, thus lifting the curse from her.
Of course, this makes little sense. Burn marks appear on her arm. She is still having problems with bleeding noses and ears and other strange things. Presumably she should have been free from the "curse" the second she made a copy of the tape and showed it to someone else. But, whatever. Horror films aren't keen on logic, and this one is no exception. which is a shame since it wanted to be more unique. But ultimately the film relies on the standard horror elements to see it through:
* Loud jarring music to spook the audience * Creepy looking kids * Girl in distress and various states of undress * Twist ending
Watching the film may give you the impression that you've seen it before. You have. The film is a remake, and the original ("Ringu") is far spookier. This DreamWorks adaptation isn't quite the bomb that "The Haunting" was, but it is a pale copy of the original. Part of the key of making a good horror film is getting the audience to care about the characters getting axed. In this case, you just don't care and wait for the inevitable gore to take place. When the film (rated PG-13) doesn't bother delivering even that...