The sound of one hand clapping

Rating: 1/10 (14 August 2000)

How's THIS for originality: a down-on-his-luck team owner recruits a bunch of 'wacky' and 'lovable' losers and misfits (are there any other kind?) who 'miraculously' band together and not only make a team...they make (sniff) a family. But since this a "man's" movie, full of p**s-n-vinegar (yeah, they wish!), they're not supposed to be so much of a family as a bunch o' buddies, lest anyone accuse them of being weak (hell, no!) or pansies (god forbid!) In the annals (for the illiterate, that has nothing to do with anyone's butt) of cinema, there have been a good number of sports-themed comedies: "Bull Durham", "Slap Shot", "The Bad News Bears", just to name a few, and while they, too, may hardly have been original, they at least WERE what comedies are SUPPOSED TO BE: funny. In the course of nearly two hours, there wasn't a single honest-to-goodness laugh. Hell, there wasn't even a moment that brought a grin! The hard part (other than why this was made in the first place) is where to lay the blame; the possibilities are endless. Let's start with Keanu Reeves: there's a reason why he's in not featured in too many comedies and that reason is the guy just ain't funny. And let's face facts: he can't act. Here, he is comatose, expressionless, with line readings that can only be called robotic. And do YOU see HIM as a quarterback? Talk about miscast! Next is the writing - no cliche is left unturned: will the former quarterback (Reeves) join the team? will he fall in love with the token female in the movie? will there a be a character who is hard-drinkin' and a wise-ass? will there be a sensitive moment when the coach tells the quarterback that he's the only one who really loves the game? I could spend hours telling of every overworked theme that's made its way into the movie; the sad part is that that would still be more entertaining than this dreck. And how 'bout those supproting players...not only do you get THREE - count 'em: THREE! - blubbery fat guys (numerous shots of their bulging bellies - isn't that funny?), but two are black and the other's Japanese, which provides countless laffs as they bounce racial slurs back and forth. Boy, there hasn't been THIS level of hilarity since the OJ trial! And, fresh from his annoying 7-Up commercials, Orlando Jones is featured in a role that is, essentially, "the girly-boy": not only does he hide during the inevitable barroom fight scene, but he's also pretty fond of "I Will Survive"; still, to prove he's "all man", the filmmakers provide a few shots of him dancing suggestively with some blonde floozy. (Minus the dirty dancing, it could easily be Stepin Fetchit.) Jon Favreau portrays a the kind of character usually given a name like Killer or Meat: the snarling - but wacky-n-lovable! - he-beast. He is, in one word, an embarrassment. Not for a single moment is he believable. The worst fate is reserved for Gene Hackman, who is slumming here; he performs every scene lackadaisically, as if his heart just ain't in it. I certainly hope he was paid handsomely. I certainly hope it was worth it. Continuing to put the blame where it belongs, special mention must be made of the director, Howard Deutch, a man who hasn't helmed a worthwhile film other than "Grumpier Old Men"; as with his other attempts at directing, this film is jumbled and at times incoherent - often, it's downright confusing as to just where this film is going (answer: nowhere) and what he's trying to say (the only clear message we get is this: rich=bad, poor=good, exemplified by the cartoonish pro players who go on strike to earn more millions and the even-more-cartoonish scabs who make up this motley crew whom we're supposed to be rooting for). Whole scenes go absolutely nowhere, a problem not exactly helped by editing that appears to have been handled by someone blind wielding a garden shears; numerous, useless shots seem thrown in blindly to pad an already-too-long movie. And then there's the photography: this is one UGLY looking film! I think there was an attempt to give the film a somewhat 'gritty' look but it serves only to make all involved seem vaguely unwashed. No, they look - well - skanky. (Which I suppose is only fitting for a story about a bunch of losers.) Keanu comes off the worst: either he's gettin' a little long-in-the-tooth or it just looks that way; throughout the entire affair, it appears he's just come off a long, long bender. Which might be a pretty good idea, now that I think about it; maybe if I had a few stiff drinks I could forget I wasted my energy on this c**p.