Absolutely awful--what are these big stars doing in this trash heap. 1/2* (out of four)

Rating: 1/10 (29 July 2001)

THE REPLACEMENTS / (2000) 1/2* (out of four)
By Blake French:
I have always thought professional sports players make way too much money for what they do. I hoped "The Replacements" would make a strong statement about their greed and selfishness. "You're being paid to play," a coach explains to his replacement team, "and I want you to remember that, because the men whose places you've taken forgot that a long time ago." With dialogue like that, we can explore a funny, biting satire about a social issue.
"The Replacements" isn't the movie I was hoping for and it does not make a stand on greed or anything else. It's a poorly constructed, shamelessly contrived sports comedy/drama/romance about how a football team can win a big game. It's also about love. The main star, Keanu Reeves, who has done much better than this, falls for a less than charming cheerleader/bar owner. We learn this in one of the film's first sequences, where the two love birds stare into each other's eyes as boastful romantic music explodes on the soundtrack. This is the kind of movie where the music sets the tone for the scene instead of the scene setting the tone for the music. Without the music, this movie would not have any tone. Not that the music makes much difference. It still has no tone.
It's difficult making a decent sports movie because it must involve the audiences in the story both on and off the field. Oliver Stone could not even do it successfully in "Any Given Sunday," but he did a lot better than this. Howard Deutch ("The Odd Couple II") does not stand a chance with this sheepish, cheap screenplay by Vince McKewin. The movie does not even know about the technical aspects of football. Although I would not know a football from a bowling ball, here are a few factual errors the fine folks at the Internet Movie Database discovered:
路 The team has to hire new cheerleaders when the players go on strike, presumably because the cheerleaders are unionized as well. However, we never see any cheerleaders on the players' picket lines.
路 Falco leaves the team when Martel crosses the picket-line, but most NFL teams carry at least two but usually three quarterbacks in case of injury--Falco would only move to second string, and it would be the second or third string quarterback cut.
路 According to NFL regulations, a quarterback (or any other player) is not permitted to remove their helmet in the huddle. Falco does this several times throughout the movie.
路 During an extra point attempt, the clock is running. In real football, the clock is stopped during extra point attempts.
Gene Hackman gives the movie it's only light as veteran coach Jimmy McGinty. His team, the Washington Sentinels, must win three of their last four games to make the professional football playoffs. A player's strike occurs; those greedy SOB's want more money, as if five million a year isn't quite enough to cover the cost of agents, layers, and insurance on Ferraris. McGinty agrees to hire replacement players. "They've all played football somewhere, not all of them in the pros. But they all have something unique to bring to the game. We're gonna take those people and try to put together a winning team. If nothing else, they should be fun to watch," he explains.

Scene after scene, "The Replacements" proves itself incompetent and foolish. The scenes jump between angry players, romantic struggles, and football games. The film spews much unfitting humor into the mix. In once scene, a woman recklessly drives through oncoming traffic at high speeds. This is a contrived, recycled visual joke that isn't developed or expanded upon. It didn't work in "Speed 2: Cruise Control" and it doesn't work here. "The Replacements" also attempts for laughs through the cheer leading team. This is also a shallow sight gag; it does not advance the plot nor does it cover an important niche. There's even a running joke where the football players sing and dance to a popular alternative music number. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve such painful torture.
I have been reviewing movies for over five years now. I write four to five film critiques per week-many negative. Even after doing this for so long, and sitting through so many terrible motion pictures, it still deeply discourages me to screen a movie as bad as "The Replacements," when I know this kind of material has potential. I not only feel sorry for the unfortunate viewers who sit through this junk, but also for the filmmakers whereas it takes a lot of time and effort to make a movie, regardless of how bad. This was a waste of their time as well.
I question why actors like Reeves and especially Hackman would accept such roles. In one scene, a character states: "I've seen monkey-s**t fights at the zoo that are more organized than this." One could also say the same thing about this movie.