NOT a young kids movie

Rating: 1/10 (28 November 2004)

I must have missed something that happened between the time I was very young and now. A big change, indeed. Exactly when did accepting a ride on a magical train, sent by Santa mean that you're in for a nightmarish trip fraught with peril? The number of times the kids on this train are holding on for dear life is in this nightmarish vision is ridiculous. I mean -- come on! -- isn't this a Christmas story?!?
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not someone who sits at home, bitter because the whole world isn't sugar-coated. No way! In fact, I like a good action flick. But this was a betrayal for anyone who's read the book to their kids and thinks it'll be a fun little flick for young children. You see, I can't count the number of times I've read this book to my two girls (ages 6 and 4). It's wonderful! So much so, that I never dreamed I actually needed to read a REVIEW before taking them to see it. Yes, dear reader, I made the ultimate mistake -- I actually trusted Hollywood for once. And I paid for it. My error was figuring that, worse case scenario, it would be really dumb, or not well done, or simply just boring. Boy was I wrong, as only parents of small children can appreciate.
Let me be specific here. The first 1/2 of this film is like one big nightmare with just a hint of sugar-coating: kids that are pretty sure they are going to the North Pole, but not *really* sure; a conductor that barks orders with all the warmth of a drill-sergeant made of dry ice; a little girl who loses her ticket when the not-so-nice conductor comes looking for it ("but it was right here..."); a boy who tries to return her ticket, only to find her inexplicably missing when he opens the door to the next car and suddenly comes very close to falling between the cars to the tracks below; screaming children on an out of control train as it hurtles through the blacknessÂ… I could go on and on. This is not the trip to the North Pole I envision. It's dark, dreary, haunting and lifeless. It's something that might have come out of the mind of Alfred Hitchcock if he ever tried to make a kids' movie. Well done, but definitely not for young kids.
My 4-year-old daughter agreed. While my wife and I looked at each other with that look of "what have we gotten ourselves into", she began crying. I kept thinking the movie would lighten up, but it never did -- one peril after another. Unfortunately, I don't know first-hand if it ever got better. I took my daughter out of the theater and spent the next hour killing time while my wife and 6-year-old finished the movie. My 6-year-old said it was scary, but she still enjoyed it. My wife was thoroughly unimpressed. If it had just been the two of us, it would have been fine but, again, this was a G-rated Christmas movie!
In short, if your kids are still young enough to want to make cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, you might want to think twice about taking them to see The Polar Express. An instant holiday classic? I don't think so. Then again, maybe for Halloween...