In a word: Stupid

Rating: 1/10 (12 December 2000)

Yes, stupid. I can't find a single word that more accurately describes this movie. I was looking forward to seeing it and expected to see a good movie. I do have some spoilers later, so be warned.
There's a woman who refuses to speak, for seemingly no reason at all. I guess so that a movie can be made about it. Stupid. She's forced to leave whatever land she's from because her father has forced her to marry a man who lives in the New Zealand outback, one who she has never met or seen. Stupid.
I guess the biggest problem I had with this movie was that Holly Hunter's character, the heroine, is NOT LIKEABLE! She is cold and unfeeling, and lacks any personality except when she "pours her heart" into her piano. Like that's supposed to be enough to show us any real depth to her personality. But I went with it.
I actually liked Harvey Keitel's character, but I didn't buy his actions. He becomes enamored with the piano and with Hunter's character, again for seemingly no reason. Again, probably so they could make a movie about it. She's cold and unfeeling. She plays a few bars of something or other, and all of the sudden, he's infatuated with her.
Then, in an effort to impress and sweep his new bride off her feet, Sam Neill's character decides to trade Holly's piano to Keitel for some land. Uh, yeah. OK. Like he'd really do that. Like she says in the movie, IT'S HER PIANO! HERS!!! But again, they wouldn't have had a movie unless he did it, so it's OK. So, to get her piano back, Keitel, who uses the piano as an aphrodisiac for some reason, agrees to trade her keys for "favors", which are initially just weird, then turn sexual in nature. Again, it doesn't make much sense, but I went with it.
Then, Neil's character finds out and gets insanely jealous and angry. Why? Holly had given him NOTHING. She has NO PERSONALITY. What is there to be jealous of? Throw her out and forget it. Why does he even care? I can't believe that he loves her, or even LIKES her. Stupid. Then, when she tries to contact Keitel again and Neil finds out, what does he do? He CUTS HER FINGER OFF. Actually, he CHOPS IT OFF WITH AN AXE. This is where the movie reached a new plateau of stupid and ridiculous. So much so, that I laughed out loud when he chopped off her digit.
Neil then has a remarkable change of heart about the whole thing, again for seemingly no reason, and allows Holly to leave with Keitel. On the boat ride out, Holly decides she doesn't want the Piano anymore and orders it thrown into the sea. Now, I understand what's happening here. She's found love and doesn't feel she needs the piano to express herself anymore. That's fine, but she still loves the piano. She loves to play it, and she loves that one in particular. So she just wants to throw it overboard? Again, it's utterly stupid, but I guess they couldn't express the metaphor any other way. However, the stupidity of throwing the piano overboard just to express that metaphor pales in comparison to the stupidity of what happens as the piano goes over.
Holly's foot gets caught in the rope tying that's tied to the piano, and she gets dragged down towards the sea floor along with the piano. Wow, what are the odds. And I knew it was going to happen before they even shoved the piano over. Again, it was done only because they needed to have a metaphor of Holly truly "escaping" the piano, which is what she miraculously does underwater.
Finally, the movie comes to a merciful end with a COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY "they lived happily ever after" scene. This scene is unnecessary whether you liked the movie and bought what it was selling or not.
It's really disappointing to me that this type of high class drivel is made. It's even more disappointing that this drivel is so highly praised. The only thing redeeming about this movie is the performance of Anna Paquin, who is adorable as Holly's daughter. Unfortunately, her performance is tainted because her only real purpose in the movie is to serve as a translator when writing and sign language might slow a scene down too much. I also expected a great score, but thought it was extremely mediocre. Any actor could have learned to play what was in the movie in a matter of weeks.
STUPID. Grade: D-