Who do you think you're kidding, Mr.Gibson?

Rating: 3/10 (21 July 2000)

After seeing The Patriot, I felt that maybe I was too close to the subject matter to give a truly objective view. Hence, I called my friend from the Southern States, Billy-Bob, and asked him to review it for me. Here's what he had to say:
WARNING: BILLY-BOB'S REVIEW CONTAINS SOME SLIGHT SPOILERS
"Well now sirree Ahm here to ree-view that damn fine American pickture, 'The Pay-Tree-Ut'. It sure is a mighty fine movie and ahm here to tell you wahy.
First of all, it took me back to when ah used ta own mah very own Neegrow. One o' them gits treated like a dawg and cussed an' all, but he still shows some reespect to us real Americans. There's a touchin' bit where one of our guys turns to him and says he's proud to stand with this Neegrow and the guy looks back at him all respectful-like. Yessur, that sure is a touchin' moment. Anyways, it turns out it wasn't Americans that made 'em slaves anyhows, it was them damned English wut insisted on it.
Those goddamn limeys are all over this pikture and they sure are mean sons o'bitches. Why, they be talkin' all funny-like and they be killin' wommen and chilren and we be the family men tryin' ta stop 'em. Wahy, one of them has two dawgs - real ugly lookin' critters - and evun they ignore him and go off with the reglar American guy. Wahy, one of them English bitches is evun so dumb we blow up her boat and she goes 'Why, look at them pretty fireworks' in that stoopid accent of hers. Why, that sure did make me laugh!!
Mr. Gib-sun has a bit of love interest with a Joe-Lee Rich-hurd-sun. Why, she be talkin' all funny an' all too, like she ain't even a real American. I figgur she be a limey puttin' on a poor American accent which kinda don't make her much of a patriot appearin' in a film like this. But anyways, I furgive her, cos she is kinda preddy-lookin, though not as preddy as muh very own sister.
There's some real heart-feelin' moments in this gosh darn movie too. Like when Mel's daughter can't even speak, she's been mute for years. But she speaks for her pa, she goes runnin' to him a'speakin', and he's a-cryin' like a man, and she's a-cryin', and there's violins and a big brass band playin' in the background all subtle-like. Or the bit where this real mean Limey who gets to live through all the film like a real villain should, and he's been burnin' wimmen and chilren and even a house of Gawd. He races up at Mel and he's got guns and ammo and swords. Mel charges ree-iiit back at im with the American flag. And it goes all slo-mo on us, and he charges, unfurling the flag of this fair nation while the battle drums play. Wahy, we evun git to have a go at those sneaky French fellas, too!
There were tarms when I couldn't be-leeve this was a real American army. So to straighten this out they always have a guy playin' Yankee Doodle Dandee on a flute to make it all authentic-like. There's some darn funny bits in this too. Like when Mel's ree-crootin' some men and he goes in to a bar. He don't have no 'you want to join me?' non-sense. He goes 'God bless King George' and they all git their guns out to shoot him. And he goes 'Ah think ah came to the right place'.
Wahy, this be a great film. There's lots a' speeches and stirring music and it makes you proud to be an American. There should be more films like this, like films where homo-sex-yew-als have to go to bye-bull classes and wimmin know their place. It truly is a great film and in no way a load of one-dimensional, hammily-acted, melodramatic, overblown sentimental trash with trite dialogue and the most blatant display of racist characterisation ever seen in a major Hollywood production.
Well, ah sure hope you did like my here review, yessuh. And if you ever want to come down tu muh farm and meet muh barnyard animals, then you can do so anytime. Maybe if we get on an' all I'll truss you up real good and tight and chickenfeath-"
Thanks to Billy-Bob there. One film the Australian Mel Gibson will never make? How about a tale of how the inhabitants of convict ships made a new life down under and murdered many aborigines. Every race has a past, Mel, isn't it time to let it go? What's your problem, anyway? Because we sniggered at your English 'accent' in Hamlet? Cos if that's the case, we wet ourselves when you 'did' Scottish in Braveheart. Or do you want to follow this and Braveheart to complete an anti-English trilogy?