Complete Schlock

Rating: 1/10 (30 June 2000)

Hokey cliches, bad music, even worse acting, and a script so bad I'm surprised the writer hasn't shot himself. I've never been a big fan of MST3K, but "The Patriot" is primed and ready to be mocked by robots.
I'm sure there will be SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS. Not that anyone should care because no one should pay to see this crapfest.
At first I thought the movie was merely ripe to be spoofed by Leslie Nielson, then I realized it wasn't even that classy. I expected to see Danny Glover telling us `I'm too old for this s**t.' Followed by some dinosaurs from Jurassic Park lumbering across the open fields to munch on some of the evil Red Coats. I was surprised Emmerich didn't have the hair/make-up department give the big bad guys waxed mustaches to twirl as they plot the death of innocent churchgoers and mute children.
The bigot and the black man become friends. Dogs can tell which military side is going to win the battle, so the faithful hounds leave their British lord for our fearless, flawless Mel. Give me a break. There's something for every movie-going zombie: Inky kisses, deaf fathers, even some dancing to tribal rhythms, and the tin soldiers. How can I forget the horrible attempt at semiotics that were the little dead boy's tin (silver? Who cares?) soldiers. At least the tin soldiers were 3D which is more than I can say about any of the characters. It takes more than a close-up combined with sappy strings to make me care about a character. Even characters from bad romance novels have more depth to them.
`The Patriot' is a bad movie, many will be sucked in by the overbearing music, many will be sucked in by the overt patriotism, but please, if you have any sense of decency do not see this schlock.
This movie gets 1/10 only because 0 wasn't an option.