Bone chilling...

Rating: 1/10 (13 January 2008)

...coldness coming out of my seat as I sat back and almost fell asleep for this poorly constructed, horribly directed and edited film.
Set in a mansion overlooking a bluff on the southern coast of Spain, The Orphanage had the potential to be a genuinely scary and moving film, yet J.A. Bayona settles for trite suspense and shock. Every time the audience jumps it isn't because of their fear of what is shown on screen, they jump rather because of a loud noise that interrupts the relative silence of the film. This is the equivalent of a kid sneaking up behind you and shocking you while you are entranced reading something. This is just the tip of the ice-berg. Let me illuminate you as to the many shortcomings of this film and why I would prefer a movie like The 6th sense, which while not the best, really gets the suspense and horror right.
I really have no idea where JA Bayona got his film training but I'm willing to bet some $$ that he either got it from working on TV or going to a dime a dozen film school where he just learned the basics of directing, which he then applied to this film basically making it look like a bad thesis film (for an amazing thesis film look at Charles Burnett's Killer of Sheep). From the opening scene, which is completely distended from the rest of the film by the tittle sequence, I knew this film smelled like trouble. Who's idea was this?! It is an amateurs job to open a film this way! The opening scene is THE MOST IMPORTANT SCENE OF A FILM! Having it distended in such a way clearly shows a director's lack of talent and inability to master the cinematic medium. To add insult to injury the editing of the film is atrocious! Bayona is absolutely clueless as to the importance of editing to make a film flow properly. His scenes are so distended from each other that watching this film feels like watching a sitcom sans commercials. Clearly mister Bayona you should: a)go back to school and study the works of Eisenstein or b)give up on the idea that you can be a good director because clearly you are not. How can you seriously open scene after scene with the same exterior shot of the house?! And once you got tired of using those shots you started relying on blank screens! Tsk Tsk Tsk, shame on you Bayona! I realize most people will not realize this because they are accustomed to TV style editing and this is a huge problem in today's films. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE FILM IS NOT TV! STOP MAKING FILMS LOOK LIKE TV! And even though some people might argue for this point they fail to realize the inherent difference in both mediums. TV shows need the editing they have in order to fit into the alloted times, but film is not restricted by those limits and thus makes it different. If you relate film to a narrative medium (which it is only in visual terms and not written terms) the editing of the film could be seen as the tying together of ideas from paragraph to paragraph as you would when you're writing an essay. This film does a horrible job at this thus making it an excruciating experience. His use of children's suffering (which I though would have made for a compelling film) fails to deliver the goods and ends up looking exploitative. The finding of the children's remains in the orphanages kiln ovens are just footnotes in what becomes a bloated exploration of a woman's hysteria (Freud would rejoice if he could watch this film!). Instead we are treated to inane and ridiculous scenes ripping at the seams with cinematic clichés. In a particularly ridiculous scene where a group of paranormal investigators enter the house to try and find the whereabouts of the missing boy (Simon) Bayona uses the screams of suffering children as an a prop to create suspense and horror. And just when you think the voice of reason will prevail, the husband is dismissed as a skeptic of a bunch of hooligans with mics and hidden cameras. If only the ending of the film would save the rest of it...NO! Bayona relies on cheap sentimentality to try and make the film into a profound experience and exploration of a mother's love for her child. Cue the music and the suffering children and you get a sloppy mess of dishonest feelings. Note to everyone reading this: go back and watch A.I. for a truly moving exploration of this most important relationship between mother and son. I for once don't feel sorry for leaving this movie in its rightful place: The Orphanage of bad movies!