Annoying Pretentious Drivel

Rating: Null/10 (30 July 2011)

I was really looking forward to this one - a modern retelling of a tale which has been trampled through the lenses of history so often. What I got was just another version of the white man's Indian. This version is circa 2005 which means all the Indians are noble good looking folks living, as the narrator implies, in a world fashioned to the tune of John Lennon's 'Imagine'.
Yep, the narrator really explains that these folks have no jealousies, no possessions, never get into disputes, lie, cheat or steal. Clearly they are perfect children of nature living a perfect life until the wascally white man comes there to mess it all up.
Not only are the Indians a reflection of the distortions of white folks in 2005, but the main protagonist, John Smith is too. Here's a guy who magically, as only in movies today, never either shaves or grows a real beard. Instead he just has this mossy look all over his face. He just happens to have some neato tattoos and to top it all off, he has long greasy hair and an earring. Gee, who knew that 17th century English folks looked just like 2005 movie stars!! Now that's history research for you.
All the Indians and English have perfect teeth. Poke is a hot chick who, despite the fact that the Indians of her tribe never used any metal, has found a razor or maybe a shaver to do her underarms. Clearly she's ahead of her times. BTW, her tribe is never specifically named but I'm sure the translation would be the 'muffin top Indians' due to the roly poly nature of many of them. I guess they got that way eating at Great Spirit Fried Chicken franchises.
Skip this ponderously paced idiotic recasting of the tale. It just stinks as bad as a real Indian camp of that era would stink.