The Bad Film

Rating: 2/10 (11 April 2006)

Listen, I am going to tell you a story. Oh, look, a flock of birds. Oh, a sunset. Now where was I. Oh, yes, a story. One about missed expectations, incredible durations, chopped and incoherent editing, stone-cold acting. Oh, look, Jonathan Pryce. Oh, look, tall grass. Oh, look, the back of someone's neck. Now where was I. Oh, yes, I was just saying that this film doesn't go anywhere, while trying and failing to attain too many goals. It loses itself into the worst editing job I have ever seen, and goes on for hours... Hey, did you just see this spider. Look, some mossy bark. Hey, a close-up on a flower. Where was I again. Oh yes, Colin Farrell still is undoubtedly one of the worst actors ever, not providing us with a single glimpse of what "emotion" means in such a long film. There's probably but two different facial expressions displayed during over two hours of film. Hey, look, another sunset. Did you just see that tree? Where was I. Historical inaccuracies and anachronisms galore, the filmmakers, although they proudly announce at the beginning of the film that it is set in 1607, do not take account of this a single minute. Hey look, tall grass. Oh, look, a woman's face in close-up. Hey, look at the clouds while we try to make you confused a little bit more. One example: Mozart (lifetime 1756-1791). Okay, his music is heard several times throughout the film, a music that has been written for emotions and feelings felt more than 150 years later. Colin Farrell's body is covered with tattoos, which make absolutely no sense since he was a colonist, and it is yet another element that breaks one viewer's good intentions of focusing on the film, and on believing in the filmmakers' good will. Did I say that James Horner's soundtrack is nothing else than a few blokes making the same three notes and the same loud sounds with horns for two hours? Hey, look, yet again some tall grass. Hey, look, Colin Farrell has an earring, cause he's such a cool 1607 colonist. Hey, look, all of them have ultra-brite teeth, and we swear to god, it IS 1607! They just had toothpaste back then, didn't you know? But hey, look at some grass while they're still looking for a decent screenplay. Ah, too bad, they didn't find one. They're just going to do some pretentious voice-overs to make it look like a Jean-Luc Godard or a Marguerite Duras film, whoa, all they had to do is tell the story of Pocahontas, maybe it wasn't as easy as it sounds (yeah right), but why did they think Godard-style voice-overs would have brought the film any interest? Oh, wow, look at that spider. Are you still thinking it's a bad film? Now just take another look at that sunset then. It's the title of the film for Pete's sake, "The New World", that's what you came here to see, so it has to have sunsets right? You didn't come here to see "The Good Film" or "The Intense Acting" or "The Screenplay with Words in it" or "The Director Who Actually Directs and Doesn't Think He's Hot S#!&". Now did you just see this amazingly tall grass? TALL GRASS! I REPEAT: TALL GRASS FOR ANYONE TO SEE, AT THE CINEMAS AROUND THE WORLD, FOR JUST A FEW DOLLARS. Wow. "Mother, who am I?" say the voice-overs. "Mother, what is love". "Mother, what time is it?" "Mother, why the hell did I accept to be part of that pretentious and empty film?" Hey look, a pink flamingo. The special effects are also amazing: the special effects guys successfully erased the National Geographic watermark from each frame of the film. I'm sure Colin Farrell's x-rated video was better-acted than this. Oh, here comes Christian Batman, here to save Pocahontas from Cap'n Crunch with his long hair. Hey, look, natives depicted as if they used to look and behave like animals. Absurd and insulting. Hey, look, absolutely no respect whatsoever for anyone in the cinema. Or for anyone whose life-story is being narrated on screen. Hey, look, a flock of birds, but not the same birds, new birds! "Mother, why did I pay 5 euros to go see that film?", oh no, that wasn't one of the voice-overs, that was me, sorry. At a crucial moment of the film, Pocahontas says "I'm sorry". Look at that. Amazingly blank dialogs all throughout, totally dull and pointless. "Mother, what is this film about? -Aflock of birds my dear". Oh, look, the 1607 man that's so evolved and cool is chewing on grass, so cool. Oh, Batman and Pocahontas have a baby now. Hey look, it rains again, marvelous, stupefying, the people who made this film so respect their audience. Oh, look, a music piece by Wagner (lifetime 1813-1883), grand isn't it, how music travels back in time. Maybe Mallick's next film will be about cavemen and prehistorical romance between a tattooed Colin Farrell with bright teeth and a flock of birds. Music by Eminem cause it's so cool and accurate ya know. But I wouldn't say Colin Farrell has that much of an acting range to play a caveman. I tried to write this review in the same way T. Mallick directed his film. Hope it helped anyone realize how confuse it is, how remotely cinematographic it is... there's better to do than watch this. Go see "Mission" again. Or "The Last of the Mohicans". Beautiful films. Forget Mallick.