The World's Slowest Indian - Movie

Rating: 3/10 (6 December 2012)

There's certainly no shortage of movies which depict how Europeans came to the Americas, destroyed the land, wiped out the natives and bespoiled what was a mostly bucolic existence.
"The Mission," "1492," "Last of the Mohicans" and even the animated Disney film, "Pocahontas," among others, come immediately to mind.
The latest effort, from director Terrence Malick ("Days Of Heaven," "Thin Red Line"), "The New World," runs approximately 150 minutes, with 50 percent of the dialogue unspoken between the two leads, Capt. John Smith (Colin Farrell, "Phonebooth," "Alexander") and Pocahontas (Q'orianka Kilcher), which proves beyond all doubt that Malick is the master of the unnecessary voice-over.
The film starts on an upbeat note as three diminutive English ships sail into a harbor in the Virginia Company territory in 1607. As these boats stream towards shore, the local Indians react with surprise and alarm while James Horner's musical score swells to a tremendous crescendo.
A contingent of soldiers arrive led by Capt. Christopher Newport (Christopher Plummer, "The Insider," "Syriana"). The invaders quickly spoil things by killing an Indian, after which they cannot trade for food (or apparently grow their own), so they go through their stores, forcing Newport to return to England for more men and supplies.
Before he leaves, though, Newport sends Smith (who was about to be hung) on a mission to a larger village to procure trade goods and food for the long winter. Smith travels with a captured native guide and finally reaches the realm of powerful chief Powhatan (August Schellenerg, "Iron Will"), where he is beaten and taken prisoner.
He is about to be killed, but his life is spared (you know the story) by the youngest child of the chief, known as "Playful One," although her Indian name is never mentioned in the film. Smith then sort of becomes her property/teacher and spends the next six months mentoring her on the ways of the English.
This also gives Malick an opportunity to show the two frolicking in the forest forcing their tepid love onto each other over what seems like an epoch.
The director also seems to enjoy introducing random shots to the audience. A bird (or flock of them), a tree, a cloud, the water, a chair, an Indian sitting in a chair, Colin Farrell's eyebrows and beard, Q'orianka Kilcher's lips, another bird, a baby turtle (really), wheat, corn, another tree, etc., etc., etc. It looks like the video for R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion." After close to an hour of this unrelenting gallivanting between Smith and Pochahontas, finally something happens when the prisoner is released upon the condition that they leave in the country in the spring. The contrast between Powhatan's village and the run-down colony of Jamestown is vividly presented, as well.
The Indians live clean, holy blameless lives while the Englishmen become slowly demented (through prolonged starvation, I suppose), kill each other, drop dead like flies, live in squalor and rant like idiots. One guy blathering directly into the camera like a bad Monty Python character.
At one time, Smith claims "there are only 38 of us," in the fort, but then death and disease take their toll, as well as the one battle with the natives, in which seemingly dozens are slaughtered (and only Smith is able to fight), but there seems to be more goofy Brits than ever occupying the colony. Smith is overthrown in a mutiny, Newport arrives with some more homey Englishmen and women, firing his ships cannons and scaring the Indians into submission.
Pochahontas comes to live in the colony, giving Smith and her a few more chances to roll around in the woods, but soon he is sent off to England and commissioned by King James to find a northwest passage to the West Indies. He is reported dead and the young Indian maiden is then courted by tobacco farmer John Rolfe (Christian Bale, "Batman Begins"). She is baptized, changes her name to Rebecca, reluctantly marries him and immediately has a four-year-old son.
Of course Smith is not really dead, but having an affair with a woman in Newfoundland (sigh), and Rolfe and Rebecca are invited to England to meet the king and queen, where she quickly becomes the toast of London. She has a final meeting with Smith, symbolically dumps him and later dies (it's true, she did die in England in real life).
With the random shots (especially of Kircher dancing and playing around in the forest), the whole tale seems to take longer than the actual colonization of America, and with half of the speaking parts seemingly done telepathically, there is no real chemistry between the two leads. Pocahontas and Rolfe's love is even less intense, making you wonder what the point of the entire enterprise was.
Realistic costumes, sets and decent cinematography do not make up for the wooden acting and stilted script. If you have $10 and two-and-a-half hours to kill, see this picture. If not, just rent "Last of the Mohicans," or "The Mission," learn a little history and enjoy a film-watching experience at the same time.