The New World killed my soul

Rating: 1/10 (29 December 2005)

This wasn't just a BAD movie. Bad movies are those ones that you leave the theater thinking, "Oh that was bad", but then soon forget about them. This is like the AIDS of movies: it's going to stick with me for the rest of my life.
It starts off artsy: lots of water scenes and grass blowing in the wind. Everything about this movie was S L O W: dialog, editing and even walking. I wanted to yell at them all to go faster.
So, Colin Farrell spends every scene looking like he's going to cry. Why are you so upset, C Fer? Maybe it's because you're a terrible actor? After moping about and wandering through endless fields, he meets Pocahantas, except they never say that name, so who knows, maybe her real name was Jezebel.
C Fer and Jezebel sort of hit it off, but C Fer keeps moping, touching the grass for some inane reason.
And to top it all off, there are these ridiculous narrative voiceovers that they played so you could hear them talking while less interesting stuff happened.
C Fer gets captured by the "naturals" and stays with Jezebel's tribe and falls in love with her, which we learn through stupid pointless voiceovers.
They spend the whole first two thirds of the movie rolling around in the grass and giving each other looks and wandering through the woods.
Geez, you say you love her C Fer; why the long face? He claims that he's not "good enough", but all you need is love.
He fakes his death instead and she is devastated and taken in by some chick named Mary who teaches her about being a good British girl and names her Rebecca.
Finally after like seven hours of C Fer and Jez Rebecca, Batman shows up. Now, Christian Bale's character is John Rolfe, but not ONCE did they actually say his characters name.
I figured Batman would finally kick some butt, but NO, he falls in love with Rebecca instead.
How do we know? More ridiculous voiceovers.
Then they walk around in the fields for like twenty minutes.
It's around the point where we see lots of pointless scenes: cow petting, chickens clucking, trees blowing, fields of wheat and I notice that people are leaving...with their jackets...and not coming back.
Jezebel decides to marry Batman because she thinks C Fer is dead. And suddenly, BOOM - a baby appears. No sex, no pregnancy, just a baby. Talk about good pace. Everything is so slow and then suddenly a baby appears.
Then that baby is five and they're heading to the New World to chitchat with the King and Queen. Except Rebecca finds out that C Fer is alive! She's all torn and tells Batman that she's promised to him and Batman is sad.
And then, the most pointless scene of all: C Fer on a beach with some natives up in Newfoundland. He doesn't say a thing; just looks around all sad as usual for about 20 seconds and then it goes back to the real story.
They go to England and more pointless scenes ensue, including one of a native who tells Rebecca he is going to put a notch in this tiny stick for every person he sees in England.
Yea, dude, you better get a tree, because last time I checked, there were a lot of people in England.
So, they meet the King and Queen and it starts to pick up pace. Director probably realised that some people were committing suicide by now and it was time to wrap it up.
But no, not just yet.
First another pointless scene with native-with-stick wandering around a garden looking amazed.
Second, Batman invites C Fer to his house because he wants Rebecca to choose her man. Batman tells Rebecca this and that's when I notice the dog in the background.
I noticed the dog because I was looking for SOMETHING else to look at besides the movie. Now, the dog wasn't moving. He was sprawled out and wasn't breathing. Then Batman walks off right PAST the dog and it doesn't even flinch. Not even a twitch of an ear.
The movie was so bad that it killed a dog. Didn't anyone notice? Oh yea, but lets not forget the riveting movie:
Rebecca and C Fer spend another ten grueling minutes walking slowly around, very uncomfortable with each other, sort of giving looks. C Fer's were all "I missed you" and Rebecca's were like "what did I ever see in you?" Then Rebecca just walks off and sort of nods goodbye. Couldn't she have just done that before wandering around aimlessly for so long?
Rebecca finds Batman again and tells him that she picks him and I was thinking that it was finally over.
WRONG.
Five more minutes of Batman, Baby Batman and Rebecca playing in the fields; five longer minutes of Baby Batman and Rebecca playing tag, then Rebecca gets sick and dies and then you see two minutes of Rebecca running around the backyard splashing herself. I am going to assume it was her ghost, but I'm still not sure.
But wait, she's dead and it's STILL not over.
We get to see Batman and Baby Batman get on the boat and head back to the Sort Of New World.
Then some water shots.
Then some forest shots.
Then some more water shots.
And then a final tree shot that lasts for fifteen seconds and...
FINALLY FIN
I really wanted to shout at the screen I was so pained. So I beg all of you not to see it. Or, maybe you should so you all will understand my pain and suffering.