A Glimpse of Hell

Rating: 2/10 (25 January 2006)

I have looked into the face of hell, and yawned. Hell is being locked into a theater and forced to watch Terrence Malick's ponderous 'The New World' for all of eternity. No thank you. I would rather find a rusty, sharpened piece of metal and gouge my eyes out.
'The New World' is basically an exercise in patience. If you can watch a David Lynch film without falling asleep, than this might be the movie for you. It's visually stunning with the constant rippling of water and trees waving seductively in the wind, but a movie is more than its visuals. There are certain fundamental aspects that a movie cannot survive without. A coherent plot (are you reading this Lynch), intriguing dialog, and of course, convincing acting.
There is no real plot to speak of. I can summarize it in short abrupt sentences that a caveman might use. Man loves girl. Man leaves. New man loves girl. Fin. There is no real dialog to speak of. The movie is mainly composed of whispered voice over that are as forgettable as the characters who say them. The characters are mainly forgettable due to the actors playing them, which is surprising, considering the obvious talent that Christian Bale and Colin Farrell (not including Alexander) have shown in previous films. Bale and Farrell maintain the same expression throughout the movie. Calling them wooden would be a disservice to ventriloquist dummies.
Congratulations Malick, you are on my list, right between Uwe Boll and David Lynch. You are the Dr. Frankenstein of the 21st century. In your quest to create life, an abomination has been created. Who gave you the right to play god! My advice to the rest of humanity; do not spend one penny to see this abomination. Rather, wait for it to enter the $2 bin at Wal-Mart, shop-lift it, and burn it so that no trace remains.