Mind-numbing

Rating: 2/10 (3 August 2001)

Mummy Returns is, as expected, way worse than the origional. It pales in comparison. And, sadly enough, the first Mummy isn't very good at all!
So much to say why this movie didn't work: *SPOILERS AHEAD* 1. The plot is just cluttered with tons of legends, ancient stories, ancient artifacts, bracelets, spears, gods, armies of destruction and other such nonsense. ex. "They wake up Ahmontep to wake up and kill the Scorpion King who made a pact with so-and-so and got condemmed for ever, so Ahmontep can have his dark army, but he needs the bracelet to wake him up, and some Spear to kill whoever, and who knows how the O'Connells got the spear in the first place." All of this confusing stuff is in the first 30 minutes, mind you, and everything plot-wise becomes cloudy and muddled. The big problem with Mummy Returns, is that it's just not simple enough. 2. All the heiroglyphics, that everyone can read, say dumb stuff that would nobody would ever bother to carve. "This way to Scorpion King." "He who disturbs this chest (there are numerous chests) will surely die." And why would they carve how to kill the Scorpion King (with the sceptre of Osiris) in his own temple?! 3. The ever-annoying Alex. He's way to brave and smart for his own good. He's not even cute, and his one-liners are very contrived and not funny. Why doesn't he just write the name of where they are going instead of building sand sculptures? And where did he get that British accent? His parents don't talk like that! 4. The dazzling special-effects that we expect from every movie these days were non-existant. The airship idea was incredibly stupid, and it didn't look that cool. The tiny pygmies. Where did they come from, and what is their purpose? Who knows. But they weren't that cool, and had no motivation. I wasn't scared. Anubis army, they were okay, but they looked awkward and most of all, fake. And the graphics of the Scorpion King at the end were extremely laughable. It looked like something out of a video game. As for the fight scenes, Is it just me or is anyone else sick of seeing slow-motion every time a punch is thrown? 5. All aspects of the movie have failed, now it's time to see what we came for. The Rock. He's actually a pretty good actor. Oh, wait, he's only in the movie for a few minutes in the beginning. In spite of this, he graces almost every poster or promotional item for Mummy Returns. Why didn't they place "Bad Soldier #3" on the poster? I mean, he was in the movie just as long! Another prime example of Hollywood just out to squeeze dollars out of everyone.
That concludes my synopsis. When I see this type of movie I don't expect "Citizen Kane," or Shakespeare, but I do expect something a little bit more valuable than this drivel. Something that shows a worthy effort by the actors and the writing team, by someone who didn't read "Archaeology for Dummies," before he started. Anyways, watch the first Mummy or the perfect example of an action/adventure/comedy movie done right, "Indiana Jones." This movie is just another LOUD Hollywood Blockbuster sequel trying to make money off the coat-tails of the semi-popular predecessor. In that respect, it succeeded marvelously. Otherwise, it's just another forgettable film where nothing is tangible, nothing is sacred, nothing is genuine, nothing is good.