This ain't your mommy's Mummy movie!

Rating: Null/10 (3 May 2001)

The Mummy Returns relentlessly spews special effects at you like a double barrel assault weapon right from the start. The special effects are almost overwhelming as they ricochet across the screen. At the end of it all you're almost physically dizzy from the continual flurry of clever, if not 'been there, done that" style, of computer generated mummies, goblins, bugs and fight scenes. Scenes that always began with the Hollywood- Raider's- of- the- Lost- Ark- action-movie-music, triumphant yet foreboding, blasting through the Dolby system.
It seemed as if they were trying desperately to recreate the magic the 1st Mummy / Brendan Fraser smash hit had with this bombardment of effects and music. Perhaps they thought by confusing us with lots of visual treats we wouldn't notice the gaping plot holes.
Don't get me wrong. TMR deserves three stars for it's special effects movie-making techniques alone. The action is great, the scenery is great, the story, in theory, is great. But the (predominantly) returning cast is just blasÃ©, delivering corny jokes and boring dialog. Otherwise, it would have been perfect!
Even the extremely evil Imhotep, played by silky smooth Arnold Vasloo, seemed all mellowed out and less hell-bent on evil deeding and mayhem than in The Mummy one. Vasloo's Immie needs a strong shot of attitude as with his first encounter with the meddling Rick O'Connell (Brendan Frasor) and his treasure seeking band of misfits.
But, who's looking for Oscar material here? It's Action Flick 101 with sexy actors, actresses and a cute kid thrown in. And, as stupid as TMR gets at times, it's worth it's weight in Egyptian artifacts of pure gold!
Then there's what I call it's Sinbad Effect (The storybook sailor, not the comedian). Those wonderfully campy, velveeta cheesy characters just too fake to believe. Even with the state of the art computer gizmos of our era attempting to make it all look real, it doesn't work. Which makes it all the more endearing. The best example is the Scorpion King himself with his colossal Sindbad-esque, 1/2 man 1/2 scorpion body, that willl have the slightest of arachnaphobes sweating profusely in their theater seats. Shudder.
The Mummy Returns story goes... The O'Connells, an archaeologist (Rachel Weitz) and ex-bandit (Brendan -steaming hot- Frasor) , who met in the last movie, have bred. They now include an adorable, precociuos 8 year old son, named Alex (Fred Boath).
The happy family is excavating at a site, in deepest Egypt, thought to hold the long deceased Scorpion King's golden bracelet, which in turn commands the underworld Army of Anubis.
The bracelet is extremely gaudy, in a WWF accessory looking way, but, he who possesses the trinket can call uon these minions and overtake the world. Armageddon.
Why not just let it be? Stay buried in it's sandy grave for the next 5000 years? Ah, well, Mrs. Evi O' Connell has been obsessed, suddenly, with finding it. She's been riddled in her dreams. Fed vivid images of a past life and an insider's knowledge of the evil bracelet's hiding place.
Now, the O'Connells are quite awake and just centimeters from that hiding place.
Just down the road, in the Valley of the Dead, we find shady characters unearthing everyone's favorite evil priest, Imhotep from his grave (Well, from an Alien prop the producers got at cost at the Universal auction, at least!).
Hollywood, never ones to let popular characters go, has managed to resurrect the menacing half-fleshed- twice dead-already-original- movie-mummy, Mr. Imhotep (sexy, smoky, South African Arnold Vasloo). He appears, as do many familiar returning characters, as we weave and scurry like a wounded scorpion ourselves toward the entangled plot.
Imhotep is greeted by another old cast member, Anck-Su-Namun (Patricia Velazquez). She is his soulmate mistress and his Pharaoh's murderous wife. Ankie has been reincarnated to serve him.
Immie whines immediately. Seems she's Anck-Su-Namun Aramalamadingdong in body, but not in soul, and he will pull her soul from hell so their love can once again rule the world....Isn't it romantic?
Of course, Imhotep needs that Scorpion King's bracelet to lead him to The Scorpion King's Golden Pyramid, and awaken / rule the Army of Darkness, oops, I mean Army of Anubis!
So, off he, and his merry band of cutthroat followers, go. They head straight to the O'Connell's, who just happen to have returned to London with the infamous bracelet, and, even though they've been pretty much in this very scene before, are dumbfounded as to what it all means.
Their young son Alex, playing arround in the antiquities, accidentally gets the bracelet stuck on his arm. The bracelet wastes no time in showing it's magical powers to the lad. It begins by pointing out various Egyptian landmarks like some beyond- the-grave holographic viewmaster.
Whoops! The child and his golden trinket have been grabbed by Mrs. Imhotep and the assisting bad guys! The chase is on!
Their old, holy friend, Ardeth Bay (Oded - handsome in a manly, swarthy way - Fehr), joins in the pursuit, and we travel from ruin to ruin with the O'Connell clan always one step behind the kidnappers and Imhotep's world domination!
We are never explained why we have to make this bizarre multi-ruin excursion across Egypt. First to Karnac then to Hamunaptra. For some reason the Scorpion's all-telling bracelet will only show one stop at a time. Can you say plot stretching? Who cares, it's fun!
Did I forget to mention the young O'Connell, Alex, has been informed by the helpful Imhotep that the pretty gold bracelet on his arm plans on sucking the life out of his little body if he doesn't get into the SK's Golden Pyramid by sun up on the 7th day?
Ultimately, both parties, nearly simultanously, arrive at the Oasis of Pygmies upon the 6th day at dusk.
Here they find the illusive Scorpion King's Golden Pyramid. Ah, but getting throught the Oasis isn't going to be so easy. There's these creepy pygmy guards that attack in a bloody frenzy to deal with first!
Tension's on...
Will Alex make it into the pyramid by sun up? Can the O'Connells stop Imhotep and the army of darkness, er, Anubis from overtaking the Earth? Is the Scorpion King even in this? Will Imhotep and Anck-Su-Namun settle in a small westside pyramid for two and have a little mummy of their own? And, most importantly, Will Brendan Fraser keep aging this beautifully?
Some of TMR's scenes actually had me laughing out loud - not where the screenwriter had planned, I'm sure! For one, the evil Scorpion King's army, resurrected from the grave, looked like rabid greyhounds. Even at seven feet tall they looked high-strung and wimpy. Reminiscent of the silly feminine storm troopers in Star Wars Episode One. Just hysterical!
And those horrid little Muppet-esque "guards" of the Scorpion King's Golden Pyramid - the pygmies. They were just stoopid! It's not humiliating enough to this would-be world dominator, The Scorpion King, that he's half arachnid, but he's got to have these bazillion evil Muppets guarding his tomb? I bet he's got "Imhotep Evil Army" envy!
TMR is what it is. One of those great summer movies filled with a swashbuckling leading man, a sassy gal pal, a precocious offspring and a barrage of really mean bad guys that you can cheer on as they are inevitably crushed in brilliantly, if redundant, choreographed fight scenes by our heroes.
Just be ready, there are so many leading characters and such a deeply woven storyline, intermingled with fancy Egyptian words, that, at times, you'll be lead so far off the camel trail, you may forget why you had to stop in Hamunaptra or Karnac enroute to the Pigmy Oasis.
This ain't your mommy's Mummy movie! It's nice to sit back and be transported to a world of make believe once in a while. The Mummy Returns did just that. This is not a serious FILM; it is a movie and a darned good one at that. Walk like an Egyptian and go see it. Yah-la!