Could have been a video game movie.

Rating: 1/10 (12 July 2001)

Here, at last and for your consideration, is a film that is so very nonsensical the term movie doesn't even apply to it. The Mummy Returns is basically a rehash of the action sequences from such blockbusters as Raiders of the Lost Ark, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Lost World: Jurassic Park (you'd have to be pretty desperate to rip off that last one, right?). I'd go through all of The Mummy Returns' 'influences' here, or at least more of them, if it wasn't such a behemoth task. And then 'writer/ director' Stephen Sommers connects these action sequences through something which only by videogame standards (ten years ago) could be called a plot.
But then, you may ask, sometimes you don't watch movies for intelligent plotting, clever subtexts, deep and moving performances or even a coherent and fitting visual style. Sometimes all you want is your money's worth in excitement, adrenaline, thrills and spills. While spills are abundant here, the other three are sadly passed by. There's an uninspired (but expensive!) bus chase through Londen, one-and-a-half CTHD-style choppily edited (but expensive!) fight sequences and innumerable predictable (but expen..- oh, who cares) scenes featuring CGI creatures. Yes, The Mummy Returns certainly has its fair share of visual effects, although the quality is often debatable. But its main problem is, the excitement, adrenaline and thrills never take off, because Sommers does not only forget to establish any real kind of threat, he also doesn't make us care about the characters. Sommers seems to argue that effects equal excitement, but they do not.
Now, to be honest, I never saw The Mummy (nor am I very anxious to). When it came out in 1999, after The Matrix had proven action could be done in a stylish and clever way, I never really felt like seeing another popcorn no-brainer. And to be honest, I can't think of a single pure no-brainer since The Matrix that I really enjoyed (unless you're counting Gladiator). But still, at least with M:I-2, X-Men, and even Hollow Man I found highlights and I could follow something of a storyline. The Mummy Returns is for me nothing more than a rumoured $160 million of computer-generated nonsense. I could've spent two hours watching grass grow, and I'd still be more entertained.
Rating: 1/10