"I can't believe I watched the whole thing."

Rating: Null/10 (21 September 2002)

A lot of people have been using the words "cartoony" and "video game" to describe this one, and let me assure you that's accurate. (I'm halfway considering renting the video game-- maybe that's where the movie's hiding..?) "The Mummy Returns" is blah from the very first scenes, where we are introduced to an impossible plot and a lot of unexplained and poorly rendered computer generated characters, the forerunners of many more to come in this FX jaunt that isn't even half as good as its predecessor. Even The Mummy *himself* isn't nearly as interesting as he was, because he looks more like a walking "Visible Man" educational toy than the creepy, shredded corpse he was in the first film. He is given all kinds of cartoony expression and doesn't look all that scary, especially because he acts downright civilized, having serious, "Let's conference" discussions with the slew of additional bad guys this movie offers up in an attempt to cover for the wayward story.
Now, this is a *Mummy* film, so you're going to have to check your sense of reality at the door, but not in the fun, fantastic way you did with the first movie. This one is so implausible it actually gets BORING for being so unengaging, and only gets worse as it wears on. They keep throwing more ridiculous stuff at you every ten minutes or so, building up (I guess...?) to some of the worst computer effects you've ever seen, including a rendering of The Rock as a giant scorpion creature that really does look like it just scurried out of a video game. Gone is the gradual buildup and even the "faux reality" that 'The Mummy' had, and the characters are too busy being parodies of themselves to be any fun to watch. Worst of all is that they seem to be *aware* of the parody, and so don't take the action seriously. This one just goes WAY over the top, and even gets quite predictable toward the end. In summary:
1. Arnold Vosloo is way sexier than The Rock, (aka Mr. No-Fillings, Mr. Whiter-Than-White-Teeth.. And how? Flouride wasn't even discovered until the 1900s.)
2. Oded Fehr's character is probably the most engaging of the entire cast, probably for being the least overdone.
3. Rachel Weisz isn't half as cute as she was in the first one. Too skinny, maybe?
4. That kid gets on your nerves.
5. This is an awful movie. I would suggest avoiding it.

My Score: D+