The Sequel that Greed Built

Rating: Null/10 (18 July 2001)

"The Mummy Returns" is a very LOUD sequel that is really about 10 movies condensed into one. Unfortunately, not one of those movies is very interesting. Breaking down the plot to make sense would actually require a 10'x10' flowchart and a PowerPoint presentation, so I'll do my best without those.
The movie starts off with an army of people yelling at an army of snarling CG Enubis warriors. One of those armies is led by The Scorpion King (Duane "The Rock" Johnson), who gets his power from a cumbersome bracelet. There's a lot more yelling and screaming and somehow the King sells his soul to the God Enubis for the use of his army. But for some reason the King can't use the army until he arises back from the dead at some point in time, which of course just happens to coincide with the rest of the events of the movie. Confused yet?
A few centuries later, some people decide to wake up Imhotep, the mummy that we all thought died for sure in the first movie. Obviously, these idiots didn't pay to see "The Mummy" 2 years ago or they'd know that whenever Imhotep wakes up he's always in a bad mood and feels like taking over the world. Still, you'd think their reasons for resurrecting him would be justified. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Nothing in this movie is justified.
They want to wake up Imhotep because he's the only one powerful enough to kill the Scorpion King and his army of Enubis. But whoever kills the King gets to take over the army, and so, once again, someone will have to kill Imhotep. Can I ask something? If Imhotep is more powerful than the S. King, and we don't think we can fight the King, how are we then supposed to kill the practically unstoppable Imhotep?
Wouldn't it make sense to just kill the Scorpion King and eliminate the middle mummy?
Our usual heroes are back from the first movie: Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser); his wife Evelyn (vamped-out Rachel Wise); and the sexy Ardeth Bay (Oded Fahr), one of those Mummy guardian people who are SUPPOSED to keep all this disastrous stuff from happening in the first place. And now we also have Alex, Rick and Evelyn's love child.
After coming home to London from an expedition, Alex accidentally puts on the Scorpion King's magic bracelet and is then kidnapped by the people who happen to be resurrecting Imhotep in a nearby museum. So now Rick, Evelyn, and the usual gang must try and find their son before the Scorpion King wakes up and wants his jewelry back.

On their way to find Alex, the group destroys a double-decker bus, sets fire to a library, somehow makes it back to Egypt, and recruits a token funny black guy to pilot a wishy-washy blimp that will take them to the Scorpion King's resting place. Meanwhile, Ardeth has recruited all the guardians to help in the fight against one or more of the bad guys (pick one, who cares?). The folks who kidnapped Alex are now accompanied by the resurrected Imhotep are also on their way to pay a visit to the Scorpion King. Remember? Imhotep is supposed to kill him, and we'll kill Imhotep. Oy, and, as if there wasn't enough happening already, the gang encounters these pygmie-type gremlin things in a bizarre oasis outside the Scorpion King's pyramid. The pygmies run around in the tall grass of the oasis and kill people. They looked fake and were pretty pointless.
Speaking of fake, if you blink at all while watching this movie, it's like missing out on $10,000,000 worth of computer graphics, including a wall of water that looks as if it were drawn in crayon by a 3 year-old, and a very fake Scorpion King in his "scorpio" form (I suppose the Rock was unavailable for pick-ups).
Other than being visually assaulting, the soundtrack consists of a looping "ARRRRRRRG!" type sound, and, at the end, when everything inexplicably self-destructs, there's just a deafening "WHOOOSSSSHHHH!" mixed in with the "ARRRRRGGGGG!" Even the ending credits are loud.
This movie will make so much money.