$70 Million?! (minor, minor spoilers)

Rating: 3/10 (8 May 2001)

Wow, THE MUMMY RETURNS now holds the record for best non-holiday opening whatever weekend ever!
Is this an example of what is wrong with movies today? I'll leave that for you to decide.
But now that the film is in theaters, let's make it known to the masses that the script is aimless, the action is exhausting and relentless, and the dialogue, well...
Nevermind. Who cares, right? It doesn't matter that the film lacks substance, because we are just going to see the special effects anyway!
So let's talk about the special effects.
Well, they stink, frankly. The FINAL FANTASY reject lobster referred to as the Scorpion King is really quite pathetic. But no, wait, we are also treated to these little Pygmy-mummies that move at a dizzyingly fast speed, a speed that prevents us from really focusing on them. After a while, I honestly had to look away--the creations are so terribly rendered, I just couldn't take it. Wait! One more, I must. In the middle, an evil mummy summons the Nile to rise up and chase after our heroes in their dirgible. Cool idea, but the "water effect" is laughable.
If those three examples aren't enough, rest assured that there are a hundred others where they came from. I just don't have time or space to mention them all.
Dammit, if there are 100 million or so dollars spent on effects, I sure as hell would like to see that money on-screen. Otherwise, save the money!
My friends tell me that I'm too critical. "You've gotta leave your brain at the door, sit back and just watch it." And so I did. I've "forgotten" that the dialogue is terrible and the pace is a mess. I've "forgotten" it all.
If this is a movie about special effects...well the special effects are arguably the worst part. So there.
I really want studios to reexamine their priorities in effects films. This whole CG overkill that has come about with TITANIC and THE PHANTOM MENACE and GLADIATOR has gotten way out of hand. It's NOT REAL! And it's NOT EVEN BELIEVABLE! Bring back ANIMATRONICS! Bring back some form of suspension of disbelief to the cinema. CG is just not the same. Make me, if only for a second, believe that I'm watching ancient armies collide in the desert. Make me try to believe that there is a giant Man-Scorpion standing in front of me. Please pretend that there is some form of intelligence in the audience. I'm not saying to get rid of CG (it's a great and sometimes necessary invention), but just remember, when you're filming those giant battles: nothing beats the real thing.
Oh well, that's a whole other story.
But it's really the least they should have done with this 100 million dollar goose egg.