The Stupid. It Burns!

Rating: 3/10 (17 January 2011)

You know those cretinous B-movies that use the tired cliché of the irritating moron determined against all reason to visit the dark and spooky basement armed only with a broken flashlight and a screwdriver? Well this cretinous B-movie has a whole supermarket full of those morons.
Here the morons find themselves under threat from CGI bugs and giant CGI tentacles, which are reasonably convincing but are cleverly concealed by a mysterious smoke effect. And all of which are taller than knee height.
So our morons choose to barricade themselves in the vulnerable plate-glassed front of a small town food store using hundreds of bags of dog-food piled up to knee height from where they signal their presence to those waiting CGI monsters by the waving of flashlights and the shining of powerful arc lamps.
The convenience of so very many bags of dog food can only be explained by the total absence of dogs.
At the back of the store there is a loading bay with a solid roller-door in which they could more securely have barricaded themselves, but unfortunately this area had already been used as a plot device for a clichéd moron with a broken flashlight and a screwdriver earlier in the film. He died.
Our morons then try to battle the terrifying CGI bugs attracted to their light show by setting fire to their store with mops and buckets of petrol, but fortunately none of them appear to have cigarette lighters, or know how to operate one and they only succeed in setting fire to one of their own number. Who dies.
So seeking for further tension a lady moron has to leave the store to be eaten by CGI monsters because she has left her children at home. All the other store morons unchivalrously refuse to accompany her to be eaten. But then after she's left, a group of the darker-skinned store morons who just finished refusing to leave with her now insist that they have to leave the store because it's all just a white-skinned conspiracy. The remaining white morons try to awaken them to the clumsy transparency of this plot manipulation but they leave anyway. And die.
Then some of the whiter morons who previously refused to leave, and then tried desperately to convince the others to stay decide they also must now leave to visit another store where they spend some time screaming and gibbering at CGI spider-bugs and getting killed before remembering that they have the power of movement and can return to the first store. The trip is not a complete waste however, since they return with a comic book which was unavailable in their own store.
Unfortunately in the minutes they were gone, the morons left behind in the first store have formed a religious movement and are now determined to force outside some of those who went to the other store as human sacrifices to placate the CGI gods, including a hapless young soldier whom they repeatedly stab. Until he dies.
This is particularly tragic as he was friends with two other hapless young soldiers who were found to have hung themselves in the safety of the loading bay after realising they were in a cretinous B-movie. They were dead.
As a result of all this, the morons who first refused to leave, then fought to prevent anyone else leaving, then left, then returned, then didn't want to be forced outside now decide it would be best if they left after all. Again.
So they leave and wander around the parking lot for a while shouting loudly to each other and waving their flashlights to attract the giant CGI bugs. Then they all die.
Awesome!