Oh no.

Rating: 3/10 (15 May 2003)

Oh what a film it could have been...
Lets begin... Where? Where to begin?
The film sucks for the first forty five minutes. Like no tomorrow I guess is the proverbial phrase. They go on and on about how to philosophise when on drugs. There's circumstances that are straight out of B+B. Now riddle me this my furry friends, why is Zion still like the stone age whence they have all this technology around them?
Morpheus is a buffoon. He reeks of stupidity. His decisions are false. His mind is rotten. Lawrence Fishburne's worst role since... Well... It's his worst. Morpheus was a god in the first one, but, in this, no. He's a failure. Not because all our ideals about him are murdered, but, rather because his acting sucks in it.
The much touted twins are pointlessly pointless. I mean, their existence in the film is so yawn-inducing that you'd think that it's just two guys and a mirror, smiling, waving at each other. Hullo!
The many man fight of Neo and Agent Smith... Oh my frickin god what a waste of what talent they had. The effects are so craaap (yes my friends, a triple A crap) that you sit there thinking, well, if I just stayed at home playing my insert appropriate game console then I would have had more fun. Even in the preview for Revolutions where a million Smith's against one Neo looks lame.
Some of the fight scenes (yes, I'm talking about the one just before the oracle, the one just before the keymaker, the whole freeway sequence) are just pointless and s***. They look cool, but, they defy the meaning of Neo being The One. Surely if he were to take on an amateur, he wouldn't falter and wouldn't stumble. Surely he would be able to just stand there with one finger and whoop their ass. But no. The guy's a loser. In more cases than one, he can't handle himself. It seems the only supreme thing he can do is fly. Wow. Like we aint seen that shit before.
There's some French guy who can't decide whether he's French or English.
The humour fails on every possible level. I think I heard a groan.
Fortunately, no children bendy spoony's with f***ed up philosophy this time. Let alone any children at all.
There's one genius bit where a chick gets off on a slice of cake. Smart.
A lot of the characters are pointless. Jada Pinkett Smith gets one interesting move where she kicks a guy in the head... Wow... Aint seen that before... And that's about all the special things she can handle.
Some of the graphics is top notch. Some is just el lamo.
As for revolutionising car chases... The French Connection/Ronin/Bullitt can rest assured that they aint gonna be knocked from the top of the list for this. It's nice. That's it. The motorbike bit is wicked. Apart from that, I've done better in my street.
The sex... Ha. It's so close and in there that you're kinda sitting there going, well, I don't wanna intrude... It's close, and way tooooo close. Although, it'd have been nice to see a little more of Carrie-Ann...
There's a long long long pointless monologue which arrives near the end of the film which you sorta feel as if you wanna jump into the screen and shout.. This should have been The Empire Strikes Back or The Two Towers or BTTF2 or T2 of The Matrix Series. Instead, it ends up being The Mummy Returns or The Phantom Menace and to a lesser extent Attack Of The Clones (even though I rate it as a ***** film).
The first film is a legacy. This one just throws that legacy out of the window and says, well, I liked Homer's Odyssey and some of those computer games, oh, and some of those Hong-Kong action movies, we'll just put it in a blender and call it Reloaded...
Puhlease.
**/*****
For your info, I gave the first one ****1/2.