Let's talk for 3 hours and call it Matrix Reloaded...

Rating: Null/10 (8 July 2003)

ALL MY REVIEWS CONTAIN SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

Not only do I hate The Matrix movies, I hate people who like the Matrix movies. Yes, reader this means you, too. You people make me sick. And the ones who try to make The Matrix this deep, emotional, philosophical, metaphorical, conceptual "experience" are even dumber than the Wachowski Bros. At least they are smart enough to steal your money! You all, on the other hand, are dumb enough to see this movie repeatedly for more hidden meanings, when there is nothing to witness but mindless dialogue jargan disguised as Bible truth.
The first Matrix, although better than part 2, did not impress me. I had already seen the "suspended animation" effect twice before its release. You know the effect I'm talking about: when somebody jumps in the air, freezes, and the camera slowly pans around their entire body. Once in Lost in Space, the other in Wing Commander. By the time The Matrix used it, that effect was old to me. But Matrix gets all of the credit. I didn't care about Neo, I didn't care about Trinity, I didn't care about the machines, I didn't care about the Miss Cleo lady, but most of all, I did not care about Morpheus. I hate him so much I hope he turns out to be a machine in part 3, or better yet, hopefully he'll drop dead in part 3. But I will never know because I will never see part 3. The Wachowski's have already stolen my money twice. A third time will make me just downright stupid.
The Matrix Reloaded likes to talk. And it likes to talk down to us as well. Each character has a 50 minute soliloquy that must be delivered before we continue onto the next scene. If they're not talking, they are dancing "Club Mtv" style underground for about 35 minutes. This makes a lot of sense: "People, there is no hope for the world, the machines are gonna take over, and we're all gonna die. But first...WE DANCE!!" How long was this scene! My god!
There is another scene where Neo talks to Miss Cleo again for 55 minutes. They talk and they talk and they talk...and during this conversation, two things are happening. One: the writers lay the dialogue on so thick to hide the illusion that the screenplay doesn't make sense. Two: all the 13-18 year olds will see the movie again and again to catch everything. And three: intelligent, and rational individuals like myself are wondering where we can go to watch some paint dry. Ya know, some real entertainment. Neo then breaks out into a fight with Agent Smith to the hundredth power, and this is the best scene in the movie. Not because it is exciting, but because it is hilariously phony. Neo will be fighting, and then out of nowhere will turn into a cartoon on your a*s, giving you the shock of your life. You heard me. A CARTOON. All I needed was an X-Box controller in my hand to complete the scene. Then, he would jump back to Keanu Reeves for the close-ups. Then he would fight some more, and then turn into a complete cartoon on your a*s all over again. This scene by the way is 42 minutes.
I like when Neo, who you can now call Superman, flies through the air, with one fist extended. I guess he forgot his name is KEANU Reeves, not Christopher Reeves. At one point, he even flies high above the clouds and pointlessly does this gay little pose before deciding to come back down. What kinda self-gratifying move is that? Don't you have people to save? Get to it!
Then, a bunch of other crap happens. We meet some unexplained French dude, we meet some unexplained ghost guys, we meet some unexplained Keymaster (didn't we meet him in Ghostbusters?) and then we meet The Architect. Yeah, let's talk about The Architect. Neo goes into this room that resembles Circuit City and talks to a man in a chair who looks like Colonel Sanders. The Architect then proceeds to talk down to us, the audience for a very long time. He even starts his speech with "You will not understand what the hell I am about to say." That means even the writers couldn't even handle this whopper. The Architect scene clocks in at a full one hour, 13 minutes and represents the climax of the movie.
The final scene of the movie comes out of nowhere, makes no sense and has the entire audience yelling "Huh???" but I was already saying that long before. For all the geeky Matrix fans who claim I "don't get it" my argument is, "Yes I do!!" I got it during the first Matrix, there was no reason other than money to expound on the topic. I got it when I wrote a similar story myself back in high school!! I got it when I first read philosophy books by Plato and Socrates in junior high!! It's YOU guys who don't get it! What you don't get is...The Matrix is DUMB, and you are too! Go watch a REAL hero movie! Like Smokey and the Bandit 2.

Zero stars out of 5.