Almost as good as Iron Eagle

Rating: 9/10 (7 January 2005)

Did this film rock or what?!?!?! Other than 'Iron Eagle' this is probably THE best film ever made! Better than 'Deep Rising' and certainly better than 'Prince of Tides' which it turns out is rubbish.
I really hope that what they say in the film about our reality being an illusion is true, because that would totally rock! I can just imagine it, all my convictions and fines disappearing because that was all thought up by some whacked-out X box or something. Actually I really do hope it's real because just look at my name: Neonsamurai. Got that? All right, now read it without the 'nsamurai'. That makes ME 'Neo' or 'The One'. Oh boy am I ever going to kick ass? You wait until the next time I see Derek Palmers! Backflip, punch, head-butt, uppercut! I've already got the cool name, I spend a lot of time on the Internet doing research and when I did have a job I was always late for work. Spooky eh? Plus, can you imagine Morpheus trying to rescue somebody else from the Matrix, such as Dr Stephen Hawking? I can't either. Firstly he hasn't got a cool name like me and secondly I bet he hasn't even watched 'The Matrix' once. I've seen it EIGHT times. You read that right, EIGHT times. Quick question: Hawking vs. me in a fight. Who'd win? Answer: Me! Even if it was a battle of minds, I'd probably still win. Or a game of snap.
What with me being 'The One' I'd probably make Famke Janssen my 'Trinity' as I'm pretty sure that in the battery farm where I'm stored, she's got the pod next to me. That's probably why we have such a close affinity with one another. In fact I'm pretty sure that on the other side of me would be a pod with Nicole Kidman in it, except her brain plugs DON'T WORK PROPERLY AND SHE DOESN'T RETURN MY CALLS! Well guess what Nicole, when I'm flying around beating up 'Agents' and dodging bullets don't expect me to come to your rescue if they try and read you mind with a couple of electric cables. You had your chance and you blew it. So long sister, you're baaaaaad news.
When I was in 'House of Fraiser' in Milton Keynes last week I decided it was time for me to get out of the Matrix and meet up with Morpheus, or whoever it is flying those hovercraft things around the sewers. Well let me tell you something; if you want to leave the Matrix don't try jumping through mirrors in a department store, particularly if the mirrors are in the ladies changing room, and you're being chased by security guards. When I got out of hospital that night I decided to do a search for 'Morpheus' on the Internet, but got bored and instead did more research on women's bodies.
Morpheus, if you're reading this then hurry up and post me a phone to my mum's house as I'm due in court next week on charges of indecent exposure and criminal damage in a department store.