Matt, you're not making this easy

Rating: 4/10 (10 November 2015)

This tedious family adventure film is the latest contribution to the popular and well established 'Where Are We Rescuing Matt H. Damon From This Week?' genre.
I like Matt H. Damon, I really do. But he's been making it very difficult recently, and this 2+ hour marathon just doesn't help.
Damon plays an astronaut accidentally marooned on Mars by a storm that literally could not happen because Mars lacks the necessary atmospheric conditions, where he must somehow survive with nothing but an unlimited supply of electricity, an unlimited supply of water, an entirely self- sufficient artificial habitat, half a dozen spare space suits, multiple land vehicles and probes (all in perfect working order), food supplies intended for half a dozen people, and a large quantity of magical potato seedlings that grow to maturity in just a few days despite a complete absence of soil nutrients.
Since the first act establishes that Damon is so well set up he doesn't actually need rescuing, Ridley Scott fabricates a second act 'emergency' in a vain attempt to raise tension (it doesn't).
Damon keeps in contact with Earth via a magical transmission technology that provides full HD streaming with no latency whatsoever, allowing him to have real time conversations with NASA headquarters, where everyone does and says whatever they want because there is no chain of command even though it's ostensibly run by Jeff Daniels (played by Jeff Daniels).
His fellow astronauts remain hovering above Mars, beaming their own HD stream to NASA by the use of a magical camera that automatically homes in on Damon regardless of where he is on the planet.
NASA builds a brand new rocket from scratch in less than 14 days so they can send Damon a fresh load of unlimited supplies. It explodes immediately after takeoff because Ridley Scott still has another hour to fill. Meanwhile Damon accidentally blows up his potatoes.
NASA's lone Chinese employee suddenly remembers that his uncle has a private rocket he's never got around to using, so they phone China and ask if NASA can borrow it. The uncle agrees so the Chinese government sends it into space immediately, where it is instead caught by Damon's astronaut colleagues, who nick all the supplies.
Meanwhile Damon is travelling to the other side of the planet, where he intends to escape using a previously unsuspected bonus rocket that just happens to be lying around the place in perfect working order.
Damon can't carry his unlimited supply of water and only has enough room in his vehicle for a few sandwiches, but by a remarkable stroke of luck it turns out that his body is capable of indefinite peak physical performance despite minimal hydration and a complete lack of nutrition, so that's OK. Also it turns out that the gravity on Mars is exactly the same as Earth's, so he hasn't lost any muscle tone.
Damon arrives at the bonus rocket and is told by NASA that it's actually too heavy to lift off the planet despite being designed for that exact purpose (???) The only solution is to remove the nose of the rocket, which is actually easier than it sounds because the entire spacecraft is made of Lego and can be easily disassembled by a single undernourished man with no tools.
With the nose of the rocket removed, Damon risks being killed by the extreme physical pressure generated by takeoff. NASA points out that a simple tarpaulin is strong enough to protect him, so he finds a spare one from... somewhere... and straps it on.
Damon's fellow astronauts pair their ship with his rocket using Bluetooth, and take over the controls. Damon is almost crushed to a pulp as the rocket leaves Mars, because it turns out that tarpaulin isn't as strong as industrial steel after all.
Somebody on the astronauts' ship blows something up because of reasons, and this somehow makes it easier for one of them to rescue Damon, who has jumped out of his rocket and is now flying towards their ship with the aid of a hole in the finger of his space suit and an unlimited supply of pressurised oxygen.
NASA is helpfully streaming this heroic rescue to the entire planet using their magical realtime HD stream, because of course they are.
Damon and his fellow astronauts arrive home safely just a few hours later, and Damon is rewarded with a free pair of glasses. Henceforth, everyone must call him 'Doctor.' Because doctors have glasses.
I rate The Martian at 13.32 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a mediocre 4/10 on IMDb.