God this was bad

Rating: 1/10 (29 December 2015)

I know this is not a popular opinion. But for real, a movie of this budget, directorial talent and acting prowess should not have been this average.
Consider these points:
Pace.
The movie starts at 100000 km/h, with snappy banter between characters we know nothing about, a cataclysmic sandstorm, and a confused leader making a massive decision. We are then subjected to Matt Damon fighting against the odds to make it back to medical bay where upon he gut wrenchingly removes a huge piece of steel from his side before sighing the word "Fuck." From here, the movie degrades slowly into what can best be described as a tribute to Adam Sandler, with slap stick bumping into things, witty quips between poorly developed characters and odd, intrusive monologues about the meaning of life and the virtue of the human soul. Then, at the end of the film, we have a sudden acceleration back to warp speed with the convenient rocket/tarp/duct tape launch followed by a nail bitingly unrealistic jet pack around Martian near space, all the while two of the astronauts whose names I can't remember because they've had zero character development are falling in love in the background. It honestly felt like the film switched writing team half way through, and then switched back.
Matt Damon.
Was I the only one who felt that Matt Damon was basically walking around saying "Matt Damon" for the entire film? (Credit to Sven Axelrad)
Deus Ex Machina
If I had a dollar for every convenient event that miraculously drove The Martian's narrative along, I'd have quite a few dollars. Enough to reimburse the money I wasted watching The Martian. Aforementioned random love story As mentioned in point number one. You can't just introduce a love story in the dying moments of a film, just because. You can't. It shouldn't be allowed. I have no idea who these characters are, and nor do I care. In fact, other than "Mark Watney" and "Childish Gambino", I don't remember the names of a single character.
The Chinese
See aforementioned deus ex machina.
Conclusion
This movie sucked so hard.