Total dreck

Rating: 3/10 (7 March 2008)

After the success of both the book and film of the original Jurassic Park, it was a no-brainer that there would be a sequel. There were many directions that such a sequel could go, but Michael Crichton's intent to "cash in" was made evident when he not only stole the title of an Arthur Conan Doyle dinosaur story to christen his sequel, but pretty much recycled the story from the original with minimal revisions. He even stooped low enough to revive the character of Ian Malcolm from the dead and hope no one who read the original novel noticed. Spielberg apparently knows he is dealing with crap, so while he keeps the bare bones of the Crichton sequel, he throws in everything but the kitchen sink in an effort to inspire some form of excitement. Apparently there is a second island on which millionaire Richard Attenborough was breeding dinosaurs, which is now in danger of being plundered by his greedy nephew (Arliss Howard channeling Snidely Whiplash) and a group of hunters (led by an overacting Pete Postlethwaite). Sensibly, Attenborough turns for help to Jeff Goldblum's chaos theorist Ian Malcolm, the one character he despised from the original film and the one least qualified to lead such a venture. Yet because Goldblum was an entertaining and popular supporting character, there needed to be some thin reason to bump him to lead (Sam Neill and Laura Dern are sorely missed). Naturally, there is no reason for him to accept, but the plot conveniently gives him a paleontologist girlfriend (Julianne Moore), who is already on the island. This motley gang is completed by an oafish Vince Vaughn, dead meat character Richard Schiff and Goldblum's stowaway teenage daughter (the sublimely talentless Vanessa Lee Chester, who is excess baggage until her "big" moment when a velocirapter kindly stands still long enough for her to execute ludicrously complicated gymnastic moves to knock it through a window). It is hard to understand what this group hopes to accomplish against the far better organized hunting party, and indeed they accomplish nothing other than to place themselves in one degree of danger after another through chronic stupidity. Are we really to believe that Moore's character who has successfully lived on this island for weeks without incident is now capable of making the number of disastrous lapses in judgment that even a third-grade Boy Scout would avoid? The special effects are spectacular, but the characters are so thinly conceived and obnoxious that they fail to even register as the "types" presented in the original film. Goldblum's elevation to leading status here is also a misconception - for 2+ hours he kvetches, he moans, he wrings his hands, he rattles off criminally unfunny gag lines, and basically demonstrates why this character was better used in support. Departing completely from the novel, the concluding moments attempt to drum up suspense by bringing a T-Rex to San Diego (not exactly an exciting landmark city!) to run amok. Amazingly, the T-Rex devours the entire crew of the boat carrying it to San Diego, and then locks itself back in the hold. The carnage in San Diego is almost lackluster and relegated to the T-Rex chasing some Japanese tourists and devouring a family dog in front of a caricaturish yuppie couple and their rather underwhelmed tot, before conscientiously returning to the hold of the boat to do away with the asinine cardboard villain. The visual effects are terrific, but the same cannot be said of the acting, writing, editing or direction, which is incredibly uneven and unfocused for Spielberg. A total mess.