But If They Didn't Tease the Dinosaurs, They Wouldn't Have a Movie

Rating: 6/10 (19 January 2011)

"The Lost World" (hereafter TLW) is the epitome of the "Idiot Plot" movie. As defined by critic Roger Ebert, an "Idiot Plot" movie is one that has "..a plot that requires all the characters to be idiots. If they weren't, they'd immediately figure out everything and the movie would be over." Oh, where to start with the inanities this movie's characters commits? From the beginning, I suppose:
1. Industrialist Hammond (Richard Attenborough) recruits the decidedly cynical intellectual Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) to keep tabs on occasional scientist/girlfriend (Juliette Moore) as she investigates the breeding dinosaur colony on Site B island. Wouldn't more physically adventurous and pragmatic Alan Grant (Sam O'Neill) be a more logical choice?
2. Moore's scientist is supposed to study the dinosaurs unobtrusively. So why does she bring a laboratory trailer the size of a boxcar with which to crash through the jungle?
3. Moore's scientist startles an infant stegosaurus with a noisy flash camera and nearly gets decapitated by an infuriated adult's spiked tail.
4. Ian's high-maintenance brat daughter Vanessa stows away on the trip to Site B and jeopardizes Ian's safety by wanting to go into the "high hide" (a suspended cage) when two tyrannosaurs decide to visit the lab trailer.
5. The two tyrannosaurs decide to visit the lab trailer because solicitous photographer (Vince Vaughn) brings their injured infant for Moore's scientist to set its fractured leg. As a reward for their benevolent humanitarianism, the lab trailer is hurled off a cliff, with Ian, Moore's character, and Vaughn's character nearly following suit.
6. Ian and company free the dinosaurs that were captured in the round-up conducted by InGen's mercenaries for transport to a San Diego zoo. As a reward for their benevolent humanitarianism, the animals stampede and destroy all communication with the outside world, forcing the two enemies to join forces to travel to the interior towards an abandoned radar post.
7. An InGen mercenary strays from the group into unknown wilderness to urinate. A herd of tiny Compsognathus fatally mutilate him. Another mercenary would have heard him, if not for his MP3 headphones.
8. For some inexplicable reason, Moore's scientist takes a blood-soaked denim jacket and hangs it within her tent, allowing one of the tyrannosaurs to track and nearly slaughter all the group.
9. Supposedly wilderness-experienced mercenaries allow themselves to be picked off by the original villains in Jurassic Park in tall grass.
10. Why wasn't the captured tyrannosaurus properly tranquilized on the abortive trip to San Diego? Moore's scientist mumbles something about not being able to calibrate the dosage properly. However, when the tyrannosaur is corralled back into the ship, Moore's scientist fires a tranquilizer dart. Why didn't she do that earlier and prevent the rampage?
11. The tyrannosaur visits a house with a swimming pool to satisfy its thirst. The family inside takes a picture of him with another noisy flash camera right in the eyes. The tyrannosaur roars (and presumably kills the family).
12. Hammond's villainous nephew steals the infant brought to lure the tyrannosaur back and brings it to the ship. The tyrannosaur traps him there, cripples him, and lets the infant practice his killing skills.
13. Towards the end of the movie, Hammond mentions that the Site B dinosaurs "require our absence" in order to flourish. Now he tells us!
Despite this cavalcade of stupidity, I have a grudging affection for TLW and even own it on VHS. After all, we should be grateful the characters teased the dinosaurs because they were quite spectacular, and dynamic, and were the sole reason for TLW at all!