A List of What Sucked About this Movie

Rating: Null/10 (18 December 2002)

1. Fight scenes were certainly fighty, but not a lot else. The last hour of the film was, in essence, a treat for video game audiences, but probably not for anyone who likes acting, dialogue, or round characters.
2. Gollum, the new Jar-Jar. I thought someone had pumped nitrous oxide into the theater during his little schizophrenic bouts. The crowd was cracking up. I thought filmmakers had figured out circa 1923 or thereabouts that, being a visual medium, film lacks the ability to show inward conflict well. Peter Jackson apparently hails from the overwritten monologue school of screenwriting.
3. They messed with the book yo.
4. The homosexual subtext between Sam and Frodo was so thick it was more like text. Either tone it down a bit or just have them forsake their quest, move to Vermont, and get married. :)
5. Howard Shore's ultra-melodramatic score makes Oliver and Company look like an Edgard Varese piece.
6. The opening scene. Way to be subtle, Mr. Jackson. Start with a fireball. I'll bet you learned that little high concept trick at film school, eh?
7. Legolas sliding down the stairs on a small sheet of metal. Why do I think this will reappear in the video game?
8. The comic relief had me in stitches. No, literally. I needed stitches after clawing at my face in embarrassment for three hours.