The all male 'Mardi Gra' of the Ring!

Rating: 7/10 (3 June 2003)

Ya know when I was 11, I was beaten senseless on a regular basis. Bullied beyond belief! Granted there were mitigating circumstances that lead to my brutalization at the hands of young sadists. I had 'uncool' clothes with patches so big and colorful that I looked like a circus performer. I also only showered if I was forced to and spent most of my days covered in mud. My tastes also haunted me. I loved jet fighters, fantasy novels and dungeons and dragons. People like me know that only one thing can come from LOTR, social exclusion. So its funny, have you noticed how geek-dum is coming to Hollywood? Quite possibly you have. In fact they have taken William Randolph Hearst's place as the chief inhalers of cocaine and the grand administrators of all Hollywood orgies. Remember 'Eyes Wide Shut?' Those were all comic book and fantasy freaks! Did you notice the masks and the role playing? Kubrick was actually exposing these people! Whats even freakier is that the marketing exec's are right there with them, chanting. This is because these films have so many marketable goods.
I could have easily hated this film. Anything with Elves and trees that walk and talk is deserving of contempt. Tolkiens novel is also known for its asexuality and repressed homosexuality. How very English! Yet somehow this film works, like Fellowship did. Yes the characters are very cheesy. The viewer does wonder what Sam and Frodo are doing in the bushes when the camera is not on them, perhaps a secret wedding? There was one in Attack of the Clones! Also Aragorn is such a cardboard cut out of a 'hero' that he belongs in the same Parthenon of hero's as Mr T and Shatners infamous Captain Kirk. Aragorn and Legolas, Sam and Frodo. So many cute couples. Lords of each others rings. Thats why I think they threw in some love interests because otherwise...this isn't a fellowship of the ring but a Mardi Gra of the ring. Many people I talk to complain about the issues of lack of depth in the characters. However as I have said, I don't think it is Jacksons fault. I think these flaws go back to the original text. But hey, 'cocktails anybody?'
The feminine angle of the film further bugs me when none of the women engage in physical combat! They are forced to look after the kids! Isn't this the 21st century!?! Where the hell was Xena!?! She would have kicked ass! I mean I can't remember the book very well, but didn't women fight? Listen, if you are heavily outnumbered against a bunch of very hungry looking Urak Hai, you would have your wife, daughters and grandmother fighting with pitchforks! The character Eowyn should have had more to kick. She was straight jacketed by the limited role and wasn't let out to kick ass and chew bubble gum! Everyone wants to see sexy chicks kicking ass or mud wrestling.
Basically what Jackson has done is take the best elements of the book and made them cool. Observe Legolas using a shield as a skateboard at the battle of Helms Deep. Jackson has 'Matrixed' LOTR. I am sure if Tolkien saw this, he would roll in his grave, either that or spark up a big fat one. The battle scenes are impressive and they made me think that they must have been extraordinarily difficult to film. Tension is actually built up all through the film and by the time Helms Deep rolls around the viewer is at the edge of their seat. Well at least I was! So many aspects of this film could have been so very cheesy. The Ents could have destroyed the whole film. The Golem could have been the worst thing to hit cinemas since Jar Jar Binks or that guy who played Anakin in Clones...The villains are also well done. They look like the evil dead and speak like Sid Vicious. Orcs and Goblins as punks is a cool idea and harks back to Jacksons classic 'Meet the Feebles.' Also an added bonus is that many stars of a local kiwi soap die in this film. To see 'Lionel' and that other guy die is worth the price of admission alone!
The set designs, costumes and special effects are all excellent. The filmakers deserve an oscar for those aspects. Golem becomes the first computer generated psycho, who is actually well acted and could give Anthony Perkins a run for his money. WETA obviously went nuts on this movie. The effects literally transport you to another world. I was amazed as Jackson has taken the images of the book and what I imagined and transposed them onto the screen. This is how Tolkiens invented world looks and is! For achieving this feat alone the Jackson team deserve much credit. This film is also a great tourist brochure for New Zealand and hopefully many d&d freaks will come here and pretend to be little goblins in the Mines of Moria.
Overall this is a simple film. But it is still a very enjoyable one. The last two points I would like to mention are,
1. Why do Christians watch LOTR and boycott Harry Potter? Two Towers has brutal violence and homicidal maniacs that make Josef Stalin look like Timothy Leary! Potter gets picketed and banned in school libraries! Just because Tolkien is Christian and Potter is not devout, that does not mean Potter is an evil little boy who deflowers virgins. That's not Potter, that's Bill Gates. 2. Why did anyone think any of these films would get Oscars? Other than for special effects. It has Hobbits in it! Did anyone notice that? How can anyone take this film seriously? Although Chicago won oscars and it possessed a singing Richard Gere. Jesus, there is hope for ROTK then.
I give this film 7 extremely horny and angry Urak Hais out of 10. Thats a B.