Spielberg's version would have been... unbearable...

Rating: Null/10 (6 August 2007)

As in the new Star Wars trilogy, I have to say: thank God no high-profile a****** actors were hired to ruin this for me. The newcomers to the trilogy vary from good to terrific; importantly, Miranda Otto is attractive if a bit flat-chested (but, okay, this isn't an erotic thriller), and Karl Urban is the stand-out in TT. This time Wood has more interesting scenes as Frodo, and as a result he gets to show more. McKellen doesn't appear much, but when he does he dominates, like in "FOTR". Mortenssen also shows a slight improvement. Only Tyler, our three-meter MTV airhead adds nothing to the movie. In the "TT" book she doesn't even appear at all, but Jackson wanted to make that extra $100 million dollars from the female movie-goers so he had some pointless romantic scenes thrown in which probably have Tolkien - if not spinning - than at least shaking his head in his grave. In fact, the non-book, added "Hollywood scenes" are in contrast to the rest of the movie: the dialog is weaker, the tension isn't there, etc. But these 5-10 minutes objectively constitute the sole drawback in an otherwise near-perfect movie. And to be fair - they aren't exactly dull or bad.
Let's not forget that had Spielberg done the trilogy there would have been incomparably more tampering with the original text, and the sentimentality and pathos would be oozing out of every pore of the movie. Spielberg the Movie Mo-Ghoul played with the idea of filming the trilogy and it gives me great satisfaction to know that he was none too happy when Jackson showed interest in it and started making the first preparations. Not to mention that Jackson actually got off his a** and actually DID this monumental saga. Spielberg was seething with jealousy. I could sense it across the ocean. There is something in the transatlantic breeze that smells of Spielberg's fuming.
In fact, this is how the trilogy would have been had Spielberg the Uncrowned God of Hollywood done it: 1) cast: Tom Hanks as Aragorn * Tom Cruise as Borimir * Macauley Culkin as Frodo * Culkin's fat brother (Keeran?) as Samwise * Laura Dern (with black hair) as Arwen * Denzel Washington as Gandalf (a nice PC touch, having a black man be the wisest of them all) * Paul Newman as Saruman * Kiefer Sutherland as Wormtongue * two Asian kids as Mary and Pippen (probably two of Spielberg's own adopted brood) * Danny de Vito as Gimli (without the make-up, and even more wise-cracking) * Di Crapio as an ultra feminine-looking Legolas * Laura Dern (playing two roles) as a Galadria one would want to vomit on * Christian Slater as a Faramir who can't say his "s" properly * Warren Beatty, looking as dumb as ever, as Theoden * John Travolta as a highly animated Lord Denethor * Drew Barrymore as Eowyn * Ashton Kutcher as Eomer. Gollum would probably be animated so as to be cute, cuddly and with big, wide Pocahontas eyes, plus a girl's voice (probably Winona Ryder's) and all evil would have been scripted out of him. Treebeard would look very little like a true; it would be Robin Williams with two vaguely treeish legs dangling at the bottom. He wouldn't talk slow, like all Ents, but quickly with plenty of one-liners.
There would be none of that wonderful dark-blue/green look; even Saruman's tower would be pink/red and with flowers surrounding it instead of trees. The Ents wouldn't have deep voices but would sound like a bunch of old women (like Python's pepper-pots); the ecological message would have been so exaggerated that the Ents would be shown in a brief sequence holding anti-Exxon, anti-globalism, anti-pollution banners in front of Saruman's Isengard. (Saruman would then come out on the terrace and tell the Ents that he refuses to sign the Kyoto Treaty.) Galadria would have a half-hobbit half-sister sidekick, played by Cameron Diaz, and Frodo would fall in love with her and suffer deeply when she gets captured by Orcs (in Peter Greenaway's version the Orcs would torture her, rape her, then kill her and eat her, while reciting Japanese poetry). Tom Bombadil would have been not only included in the movie but turned into a main character, singing Elton John and Phil Collins soundtrack songs while spreading thinly disguised pacifism and left-wing ideology; needless to say, he'd be played by Collins or John. One of the main characters would be homosexual. How about Boromir? No, Boromir is a bit susceptible to evil and as we all know all homosexuals are nice people and not at all the type to try to steal the Ring of Power from Frodo. Aragorn? No, for he loves Arwen and we can't have him kissing Faramir because the gay community would be offended by a "bisexual" gay. Bilbo, perhaps, as the childless uncle of Frodo? Right. Bilbo would have an elvish boyfriend in Edoras, which would hit two flies with one stroke: this would act both as support for gays and for interracial relationships. In fact, it would even be hinted that Bilbo had a brief romance with Elrond (in his "Hobbit" period) and that Arwen even encourages her father to renew his old affair with Bilbo, now that Bilbo's come back. (There would be a touching scene in which Arwen comforts her sobbing father to forgive Bilbo for breaking his heart 50 years earlier.) But for Spielberg, two love affairs wouldn't be enough; the hobbits must also have their love-interests. Merry would fall in love with a female Orc (signifying that no species/race is so evil that it is beyond redemption), named Orcana, who would aid the Fellowship in their adventures. Orcana's female cousin - Urukhaia - would fall in love with Pippen, etc.