Jackson, you and Ang Lee are gonna pay

Rating: Null/10 (23 December 2003)

APPARENTLY Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' wasn't a historical film, it was a fantasy film. Thanks to the people who messaged me and told me that, mostly rather rudely, but if it's meant to be a fantasy why base it in middle England, or rather (as Jackson decided when he wrote it) Middle Earth? Duh? If I was going to write a fantasy film I wouldn't put Jesus in it, or an evil Jesus doppelganger, but then nobody reads my scripts do they? Well I say nobody, but that guy from the CIA was interested in my hilarious Whoopee Goldberg vehicle Jihad Act', although I'm not sure that his review of it as `Incitement to Terrorist Activity' was altogether fair.
Anyway, because Hollywood won't finance my films I have to go and watch fantasy' movies by that bearded lunatic Peter Jackson. So what does he do in the sequel to Lord of the Rings'? Well, firstly the good Jesus doesn't die (technically correct) when he's pulled into a fiery chasm by a winged giant (there are too many inaccuracies to even start discussing here).
But after some cockneys kidnapped some of the stunted thieves from the first film, the Welsh Bloke, the lady with the bow and that guy in the tight shorts from GI Jane (who doesn't wash in this film) chase them on foot for about 300 miles! I can't run 300 yards let alone 300 miles and I've seen what Jackson looks like. I bet he couldn't even run 30 yards! Luckily for them a tree (I'm not making this up) rescues the guys from Bucks and then wanders around aimlessly talking rubbish. Jackson, trees don't walk, talk or have meetings with (wait for it) other trees. Wasn't somebody there when Jackson was writing this stuff to stop this sort of nonsense from happening?
Peter Jackson: `and then some trees come to life and save them.'
Overseer: `Jackson you bearded spaz! That makes no sense! Write a better story!'
If I'd written it, it wouldn't be a tree (which the more I say it the more it makes no sense) that saved them; it'd be Whoopee Goldberg. She'd show them that by thinking outside the box and breaking a few rules that war in Middle Earth could be fun! `C'mon! We can really rock this place!' She'd say as she brandished a battleaxe at a Cave Troll.
But Jackson decided (against popular opinion I'm sure) not to put the talented Ms Goldberg in this film, which is its primary reason for its failure. Regardless of his poor casting abilities the thieves from Bucks continue their journey towards a burning hellhole (that I presume is meant to be Slough). This skinny guy with huge eyes turns up because he wants the ring, and quite rightly gets put on a leash. Meanwhile Cockneys attack loads of villages and some other things happen that culminate in a huge battle. To be honest the massive hell-storm of historical inaccuracies that Jackson decided to insist were real just got too much for me at this point, so I will say no more on the subject.
You've pushed me too far now Jackson, you and that blatant liar Ang my film has a dragon in it' Lee. And it's not because I'm emotionally unstable' (hear that Derek Palmers?) but because of your ludicrously inaccurate historical' pap and Ang's horrendous false advertising. Why don't you both make a film together called Gandhi' about the life of the leader of the famous Indian revolts? That way you could make sure there'd be no one called Gandhi in it and the British could be replaced by massive blue robots with laser eyes and hands that fired atomic rockets! Then of course JESUS would turn up on a horse (it was an ASS Jackson) being chased by something stupid, like a burning fish with legs and you'd BOTH get Oscars for it! Awwww man I'm getting really angry now.
It's no good. I'm too furious to even rate this film! Actually, I'm not rating this film and I'm even going to take a point off my Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' review from the 4th October 2002! That puts it at a humiliating 8 points! That's my lowest award EVER Ang (except for Iron Eagle II)!
If you cry yourself to sleep tonight then you got off lightly.