Jackson fools everyone, except me.

Rating: Null/10 (12 January 2004)

Yesterday I'm waiting to get into the cinema to watch the film LotR: Return of the King' and this woman starts screaming that I'm exposing myself.

What's that got to do with this horribly inaccurate travesty of a movie? Well it seems that everybody else just sees what they want to see with these movies and not focus on the truth, like the lady who screamed `PERVERT! PERVERT!' at me as I waited patiently in the queue. Of course one of the ushers tried to get me thrown out as well (apparently they don't let people into the cinema with bottles of cough syrup anymore) and told me to come back fully dressed. Again, a person who just sees what they want to see and to hell with the truth!
But I thought that maybe I had just misunderstood the first two films and being an open-minded guy I'd give the last of the trilogy a try. Big mistake!
What's the first thing that happens in the film? Well a guy finds a ring and then goes bad'. Jackson, I have REPEATEDLY informed you that your films contain stupid, inaccurate situations that wouldn't ever happen. Rings don't make people go bad. In fact I tried to give Shelley an engagement ring but she refused and then SHE went bad. I still had the plastic ring in my hand, but I remained normal whilst she freaked out and started raving about `I only met you yesterday', `I thought the police arrested you' or `you're a stalker'. She was clearly mad, but guess what? No ring!
But I digress; because this huge, firey eyeball decides to wage war on some part of England, all these armies are raised to fight back. Why on earth is this eye on fire? And since when do people take orders from giant flaming eyes? It's just not normal. Oh, sorry. I forgot I was talking about a film made by Peter let's put a bad Jesus in it' Jackson.
Jackson: `and the giant burning eye sends its army to war!'
Overseer: `Wha? How does it do that Jackson? It's just an eye! How does it talk? And how the hell does a solitary burning eye raise an army? I'm warning you, if things don't improve I'll be hitting you with this stick!'
Thankfully the bad Jesus doesn't make an appearance in this film, since his house gets flooded (by walking trees!) and I guess he had to tidy it up or something. But his counterpart, the good Jesus, continues to do things that weren't in the bible and goes to this big white city (Cambridge?) with one of the little guys from Bucks. I've been to Cambridge and it was full of students and girls with stupid scarves who'd be all friendly with Rufus and then call me a monster. Honestly, it was like Free Willy' all over again, but with that coked up Koala getting all the love instead of me! There was NO reference to students, the police or Koalas in this movie.
So there's this huge army of cockneys ready to attack Cambridge and guess what? The good guys are outnumbered. So what does Jackson decide to do in an attempt to even the odds? He raises the dead. Jackson, the dead are dead for a reason, and what in god's name did you think you were doing by raising them? And now I think about it how do you actually raise the dead?
Jackson: `so the dead come to life and they're green.'
Overseer: `Euuuurgh! Jackson you dullard! This is the worst story ever! Why are the dead green and how come you're a director? I wish we'd financed Jihad Act' now, as whoever wrote that is a genius!'
Now I'm getting angry again! Movie producers make this film and then sneer at the screenplay for Jihad Act? No wonder the film industry is in so much trouble when genuine talent is overlooked for ill conceived rubbished spewed forth by a man who looks too much like one of his own creations with a wig on. You've done it again Jackson! You've made me so mad that I'm taking ANOTHER point off of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'.

So in summary, most people who go and see the film would be the same type of people who'd shout and jeer that I was a pervert and not look beyond their small little worlds. Just watch, it'll get Oscars. Just don't expect me to turn up at the after show party Jackson; I'll be busy.