Object Lesson in Tedium

Rating: 5/10 (23 December 2003)

Overblown, overlong and pompous, the third instalment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy has disappeared well up its own backside - and seemingly taken a whole host of weak-willed and easily-pleased movie-goers with it. Equating length and special effects, falsely, to cinematic excellence, Peter Jackson has created a film so tedious and slow-paced as to make re-reading the snore-inducing novel seem like a brilliant idea. The hobbits are so wet and dreary as to make Gollum (an exact replica of Jar Jar Binks without the ears) look like a hero - every second they take up screen time I just groaned with embarrassment and boredom. Jackson' sole directing technique is the slow pan, fine for establishing scenery, wince-making when it comes to our third trip up Frodo's nostrils. Most of the characters just make you want to go up to them, slap them sharply round the face and tell them to pull themselves together and get a brain/life. Worse of all, the spiders were done better in Eight Legged Freaks, the ghosts were sub-Pirates of the Caribbean and the battle sequences were as confusingly grey-on-grey as the last instalment of the equally dreary Matrix trilogy! Judged on its merits alone this movie would feature as number one only in a list of the biggest wastes of time and money in cinema history, but sadly a gullible public have lost their way. Please, please - do not make The Hobbit, Peter!