Long, but not long enough

Rating: 10/10 (29 December 2003)

Well, at long last, I have seen The Return of the King. Need you really ask? That was the single greatest film in the history of the earth!!!!
Well, I really should get the bad stuff out of the way first, so then you can read the rest of my review with a clean slate.
The scene where Arwen saw Eldarion. That was about as needed as horse dung on your front doorstep. Just carrying on the needlessness. They didn't need any scenes with Rivendell in TTT, and they carried on in this film. Sure, the reforging of Narsil, becoming Anduril, was important, but the rest was entirely not. I'd like to say naught more about this
And of course, the cuts. The Mouth of Sauron. His taunting was sorely missed, but I can't say much about the poor guy. Pity, he really was a badass. The houses of Healing was an obvious loss, but perhaps not as serious to me as it could have been. Overborne by the other cuts, really; namely, the Watchers. We had a brief glimpse of them as Sam entered Cirith Ungol's tower, but no more. Bugger. The Woses were an unfortunate downblow (is that a word?), because they added to Rohan, and Theoden was essentially guided by them to the Pellenor. Oh well. Poor wild men. And my most unfavoured loss of all: SARUMAN! The White Wizard...well, the original White Wizard. I could hear people behind me (between the constant crunching of chip packets) saying "Where's the evil wizard guy, and his worm sidekick?" I really think the Rivendell should have been dropped in favour of poor Saruman.
That's the bad stuff, now here's the good parts
When I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, I saw the giant spiders and I thought 'Jeez, they did well on those!' Having seen the mighty Shelob, she not only chewed up and spat out the Harry Potter spiders, but she chewed them up again and shat them on Frodo's face with the webbing. She was done as good as you can get, and though I despise spiders I have to admit she looked bloody amazing. Admittedly, she didn't look exactly like a standard spider, but who really gives a damn?
The expressions all said many words. Most of them said "Oh, sweet crap!" Most notably Theoden's when the Witch-King gave him the jump. Speaking of Witchy, there is no denying that he was done amazingly. About time the Nazgul did more than screech. Hissing and snarling all the way, with a few words. And his tussle with Eowyn was brilliant. The Fell Beast decapitated, but Witchy still has a mace and he introduced it to Eowyn's arm. Brilliant. And his death ruled ass. Say what you will about Eowyn's "I am no man!" line, I thought it was great
Another of those s***-scared expressions was the orcs at the pirate ships. Say hello to the Dead Men of Dunharrow, who were done better than Shelob. Ghosty boys, meet the Deformed. Guess whose arses get the s*** kicked out of them? Orcies go bye-bye, spirits rule! Words alone are not enough for the Dead Men; they deserve more
This is all going on at the same time as the Pellenor Battle, and what a battle it was! With the Olog-Hai marching the siege towers in, and 200,000 orcs alongside, you have a battle that makes the battles of Helm's Deep and possibly Hastings alike look like barroom brawls. Gothmog of the orcs, cool and confident while a boulder is flying for him and his face is retarded. He was a cool orc. Not to mention Grond, the battering ram of the Mordor forces, truly a spectacular sight to behold. And lastly, the Mumakil, all wreaking havoc on the Rohirrim. But do the Riders of Rohan back down? Hell no! Looks like the Oliphaunts got more than they bargained for; especially as one spear, courtesy of Eomer, brought down two Mumakil. And then Legolas joins the fray, and single-handedly brings down an Oliphaunt and all its passengers, and ends the spree with the death of the beast. And literally everyone in the cinema laughed at Gimli's "It still only counts as one!" Classy.
And then the constant cycle between the Black Gate and Mount Doom, as Gondor and Rohan fight Mordor, and Frodo and Sam fight Gollum, with a two against one on both sides (although Frodo pissbolts for the Sammath Naur soon after it begins). Truly magnificent, especially when Gollum makes true the Nine-Fingered Frodo and takes the Ring into Orodruin for the last time. Frodo's topple surprised me, but I knew he wasn't gone like Gollum.
The Black Gate was every bit as marvellous. Aragorn charges for his enemies. No one else does anything. Then we see a pair of midgets run forth, and not until they're gone does everyone else hit show time. Then the Hobbits get trampled a bit. Oh well. The hole opening up, swallowing the Morannon and the Mordor forces, was awesome; sucks be to the orcs. The Nazgul swoop and plunge, and we are in true awe of the eight dying. But all of this is in true shadow of the real destruction: down comes Barad-Dur, the Downfall of Sauron the Sorceror, with Mount Doom exploding. Words cannot describe the magnificence of this.
For the previous two films, I had not thought much about Sean Astin as an actor. I didn't much think of him as one of the best. But in this film, he more than redeemed himself. His cry of "Let him go, you filth!" prior to his battle with Shelob, and then his assault on the tower of Cirith Ungol, and everything after the destruction of the Ring, was marvellous.
I could go on, but I can't for now. I'd like to add in more, there's so much more I'd like to say, but I can't. So in conclusion, I'd be giving this film 99.5 out of 100. It is truly a work of art