He's a pinball wizard.....

Rating: Null/10 (21 December 2001)

*SPOILERS*
Jackson movie about some place called Middle Earth which has a giant squid (where's Kirk Douglas when you need him, eh?) Star Wars was criticised in it's day for it's bad dialogue but in retrospect it was witty and you liked the characters for it. The colourless characters and earnest, incomprehensible dialogue offers little for the kiddies here. It's a hoot for us wrinklies, though.
Jackson's directorial style consists of an establishing shot followed by a pan into someone's face until they fill the screen and then staying there for minutes at a time. Cut to another character and then slowly pan in again until you see their blackheads. One of them mentions the ring; show ring on table and pan in until it's a very big ring indeed. It's uncomfortable and annoying, not to mention psychologically unwise as it's considered an invasion of personal space if someone puts their face up close to yours. After the 180th close up of Messrs Lee and McKellen, don't be surprised if your eyes turn back to front inside their sockets, drop down your throat and a red sign with a hundred pops out your head.
The plot consists of a chap called Frodo getting chased by men on horseback, putting on the ring, falling flat on his back, getting up again, gets chased by the horsemen, puts on the ring, falls over, gets up again, gets chased again. I don't know why they didn't just tie him to a stretcher and drag him around, it would save everyone yelling 'FRODO!" All the time. Some wag in the audience picked up on this and yelled out "FRODO" At least three times. He totally cracked me up and from then on I was gone. Everything made me laugh. Gandalf's hat. The Elve's hairy feet. That Robbie Coltrane look-alike with the braided beard crying and banging his head on the altar. That neon door in the mountain that looked like one of those boutiques down the UK's King's Road. Those sea horses straight out of that bear commercial. There's something killingly funny about the word 'Mordar' for some reason, too. I've never had a giggle attack like this before during a film and It's painful trying to hold it in so as not to disturb your neighbours. I tried hurting my hand to distract myself like Micheal Caine in 'The Ipcress File' only to be confronted by a hysterical conference of Elves and Hobbits in a village over who should destroy the ring. They gurn, they snarl, they get a camera up their nostrils. Someone delivers the immortal line: "Never trust an elf" Someone help me, I'm dying. There's also a chap called Legola. Well, he does look a bit plastic. Does Legola get his leg over? Is there a shire of wenches? Sadly, women don't get much of a look in during the film.
The plot staggers on and more gut busting dialogue insues. "Yonder, see Iceguard!" "We shall go forth to Loftylorry!" I regain my composure after a bit of aggro in a mine. Later, Brit actor Sean Bean falls over in some leaves and begins sobbing "FRODO!FRODO!" Please no, not that name again. I'm off. This time some of the audience joins me. Believe me, if your bereaved, in the middle of a divorce or depressed, this film will save you, it's a laugh riot.
Suddenly Rawhead Rex turns up. Once relegated to straight to video, he has finally made it to the big screen. You can't keep a good bad guy down, I guess. Rawhead Rex's appearance leads to a really funny death scene in which a character falls down mortally wounded, gets up again and fights, falls down mortally wounded again, gets up and fights, falls down again, gets up and fights. Is he secretly related to Frodo? The audience is really cracking up now, it's the comedy of the year. Another chap called Sam has a swim but is saved. "I'm glad you're with me, Sam" Frodo tells the dripping Hobbit, but we're far from glad as he's the one whose been yelling "FRODO!" The entire film.
Boy, three down, six hours to go. I recover on the way home, open the bathroom cabinet when I get there and see a box of 'Frador'. I'm off again.