Are you kidding me?

Rating: 1/10 (24 December 2001)

Okay, first let me say that I did NOT read the trilogy, so I had very little background in the world of Middle Earth. That being said, I am usually a HUGE science fiction/adventure/fantasy fan and I LOVE Star Wars, Star Trek, The Matrix, X-Men, etc... so I had every reason to expect that I would love this too. However, this movie was basically three hours of feeling how hard my seat was on my ass! It seems that at least 30 minutes of camera time was spent on Elijah Wood's dumbfounded and bewildered expression as he stared blankly into space or at his hand as he held the ring. Furthermore, what's the deal with all of these characters? I mean, you have Frodo and Sam (two hobbits), two other random hobbits whose names are hardly mentioned and are only put in for comic relief, Gandorf (spelling?) the wizard whose magic is mostly useless since he runs and cowers just like the hobbits; blonde- haired elf boy (another one without a name) who shoots arrows and seems to have spidey-senses; and bearded dwarf/troll man (another nameless creature) who seems motivated by killing and battle (the Klingon of the group). Then you have two apparent humans, one of which is a "ranger" (whatever that means) whose ancestor cut the hand (with the ring) off the evil dark lord (or whatever) thousands of years ago, and the other random human who doesn't seem to have a name, but he really seems to want the ring. Then there's Agent Smith from the Matrix ("Human beings are like a disease") who plays a 3000 year old elf who almost destroyed the ring, and his ?daughter/relative female elf (Liv Tyler) who is basically inserted to add a pretty female face to a completely male cast. What the hell is all of this nonsense? Okay, now while I'm ranting and raving (sorry, still upset about my sore ass from sitting for 3 hours), who were those faceless guys in black robes who were chasing the hobbits early in the movie and what happened to them? At some point in the movie, the bad guys turned from them into orcs for no apparent reason. And who was the old wizard who used to be friends with Gandorf, but then turned to the dark side? Is he like Darth Vader? What does he hope to gain from all of this? Finally, other than turning you invisible and putting you in some scary special effects dimension, what exactly does the ring do for its bearer?? Oh yeah, it made Bilbo look a little younger than he was. And I guess it makes you feel good, otherwise he wouldn't have wanted it back so badly. Ughhhhh, confusion, chaos, nameless characters (and named characters I can't remember/pronounce/spell), many VERY ANNOYING shots of Elijah Wood's stupid emotionless expression holding his ring, and ... more confusion and chaos. Now, this movie gets 9.5 out of 10 on IMDB?!?!? I give it 3 out of 10 (but I voted for 1 out of 10, just to help bring the average down to where it should be). I'll need to be stoned or drunk before I consider seeing a sequel to this nonsense! Very disappointing!