Bore of a Ring

Rating: 1/10 (16 August 2002)

Before getting into the actual review it would be beneficial to know from what angle I'm coming from when giving this review. I've read some of Tolkien's work so I knew what to expect when watching this film. However, to make it fair I also don't remember much of what I read so I pretty much came in with an open mind hoping for the best not expecting the worse. Therefore, it came as a big surprise when I finally finished watching this movie that I was bored silly. There are a number of reasons for this and I'll go through them one by one so as to elaborate on my boredom.
*** SPOILERS MAY BE AHEAD ***
1) John Woo slow motion -- I don't mind a film having slow motion, in fact in certain scenes a sense of solidification of that scene takes place when slow motion occurs. It firms up the act in the viewer's mind when it is done in slow motion. In the "Lord of the Rings'" case it was a nuisance. Almost every other scene there tended to be a slow motion event that kinda got tiring to watch and would have brought John Woo to shame.
2) The story itself was one big quest -- Had the director modernized the places and people and given them names like Brad, Tom, Scott or John the movie would have then been viewed for what it truly was: a not so great story with nothing more than a few vignettes to keep us entertained until the anti-climatic conclusion.
3) The ending -- What ending? A movie is not a promo for another movie but a self-encompassing entity that can be viewed on its own without having to watch other ones. This movie just ends and basically tells us, "...oh, and by the way...see ya next year".
4) Gladiator type battle sequences -- Does every movie now have to emulate Gladiator in some form or another? Here are just a few, "The Mummy II", "Planet of the Apes", "Attack of the Clones" and now "Lord of the Rings". Each one emulated the opening battle in some form or another. In "Attack of the Clones" it was the arena battle.
5) Cheap special effects -- A special effect is good when it's not readily evident that it is a special effect. How many times has this film brought a close up on an actor only to find that the background was plainly a green screen? Take a look at "Cast Away" for incredible outdoor special effects. Half of the movie is not real and yet you believe it is filmed on a beach because it looks real.
6) Similarities with "Black Hawk Down" -- The movie had 9 guys on a quest to destroy a ring, yet on the way they defend themselves battling thousands and live! This is very similar to "Black Hawk Down" not only with a handful of men battling thousands of enemy fighters, but also with having some real accident-prone men constantly getting into trouble, whether it be dropping rings, tripping over themselves or just standing still and causing excessive amounts of noise.
7) "Merlin" was better -- A few years ago there was a movie called "Merlin" on TV that still shows up every once in a while on reruns. The general gist of the movie was somewhat similar to "Lord of the Rings" in that a quest had to take place for something extraordinary to happen. Unlike "Lord of the Rings" though, "Merlin" was interesting, well conceived, filled with surprises, and the effects were done quite nicely with a fraction of the money "Lord of the Rings" spent. Had "Merlin" not been made then such a dreadful comparison would not be owning.
8) "Jurassic Park" type of plot -- I think I've watched "Jurassic Park" 1, 2, and 3 oodles of times and I pretty much know how the story goes: people are stuck on a park full of dinosaurs, run, run, run, escape, run, run, run some more and then look ahead to the future. Similarly, "Lord of the Rings" has the same type of plot: stuck in a land full of monsters, run, run, run, escape, run, run, run some more and then look ahead to the future. Pretty original yet boring if you've seen it done before.
By the time the movie was nearly over I was thankful that one of the members of the fellowship was killed. Not only did it put the story out of its misery but also it finally brought a little human quality to the mystical story thread. Oh, did anybody notice how the arrows moved out of place up and down when he was moving about in his death scene? Kinda cheesy.
As the "Lord of the Rings" ended so shall I end this review... ...abruptly.