The mighty Frying Pan (SPOILERS)

Rating: 1/10 (16 January 2002)

I've discovered that's it not easy (at least for me) to comment on this movie in its entirety in one review and to cover all the aspects that bothered me without getting impossibly long-winded, so I've decided instead to comment on certain things as (or if) they occur to me.
OK, I thought the movie did a good job in conveying a sense of urgency and terror that I don't think I'd felt as strongly in the book (it's been nigh 14 years so I may not remember too well); I figured the next time I read the book I could recall the urgency of these sequences from the movie for a greater reading experience. But on closer inspection you wonder if there's anything to be worried about.
None of the characters, except Frodo, (stabbed by a Ringwraith), Gandalf (fell to his apparent death) and Boromir (killed in an overlong death sequence) show so much as a scratch. Samwise, a humble gardener, dispatches orcs with a frying pan. Frodo is again attacked and wounded, but is luckily wearing some impregnable armor. Orc-arrows seem to be shot at the Fellowship's feet or otherwise wide of their targets. Now, I don't remember if any of the characters got nicks and scratches in the book but I do remember the Moria sequence occurring much more swiftly and none of the instances describe were milked for cheesy drama. I remember it being more described as a frenzied flight for freedom. It wasn't a staged battle where enemies are slain, apparently to the last orc; when the battle is over, the Fellowship has time to dote over Frodo and his "near-death" experience before the orcs, with big booming sounds, remind the company that they are again in danger. So it's another dash for freedom, but now the gang is surrounded by orcs that can climb down vertical surfaces like roaches and snarl and hiss at our heroes. You wonder how orcs this skilled and threatening can be defeated with cooking utensils. But then, that's all they do, snarl and hiss, conveniently, until (again, conveniently) they sense the coming of a nastier presence and then scatter like, surprise, roaches. I may be wrong, but I don't remember this happening in the book. The orcs did hang back when the Balrog appeared but they didn't just go back to their hidey-holes.
Now, about that much bally-hooed Balrog: yeah, sure it looked all big and impressive and stuff, but was it really all that threatening? When I envisioned a Balrog I thought of something faster (and certainly smaller) and more vicious; something that moved with alarming speed. The movie Balrog sure does roar a lot and rear up menacingly but it moves about as fast as a sedated tortoise. Gandalf has plenty of time to block its downward swings and the other guys have plenty of time to split.
Then there's Boromir's death scene. I don't really mind them moving this bit from Part II to Part I. I suppose it gives the film a sense of closure. Boromir is killed, supplying tragedy, then avenged, signalling triumph. But did it have to be so overdrawn? Think about it: Boromir is shot with an arrow. Shocked he falls to the floor and ponders this. But then, he musters strength and fights some more until another arrow impales him. And then again. But each time Boromir sits there after each fresh arrow, the orcs he's fighting LET HIM SIT THERE. They don't take advantage of the situation and stab him but gamely wait for him to get back to his feet and kill them. Meanwhile, the two hobbits that Boromir is defending stand idly by with blank looks while Boromir is making like a pin-cushion. But the thing is, they're standing well off to the side and don't seem to be close to Boromir at all. Meaning that the orcs could just swarm in and take the two hobbits (their intended goal) without even bothering to fight Boromir. The point is this scene was at least twice as long as it should have been (and not very well staged, at that), taking time that could have been used for all the stuff that others have been clamoring for (myself included), like character and plot development. Also, it goes back to the point about how nigh invulnerable these heroes seem; even when they are beaten it seems to take a few shots to the heart and lungs to put them down.
Some points have been made that the Fellowship escaped largely unscathed and dispatched tons of orcs because they are the "best of the best." OK, but then, why should we be worried? If these heroes can cut swathes through orcs and walk through a flurry of arrows without getting wet, why should we care?
Anyway, this has gone one too long and ended up being a long-winded mess after all. The point is, though what I've described above (as well as other aspects) may be inconsequential or regarded as minor flaws by many, for me they are gaping holes and undermine the movie entirely.