Don't tell me to read the book. I shouldn't have to...

Rating: 1/10 (10 October 2002)

I feel compelled to offer some dissent for this mistakenly lauded, and often drooled over catastrophe of a film. Let me preface this by saying that I have not read the book. While this may offend those of you who keep a copy under your mattress, you must understand that by releasing this as a motion picture, it must be able to stand on its own as one.
My largest complaint is just that, the writers did absolutely nothing to prepare this story for the screen, other than relying on a gifted cinematographer and production designer to carry the weight. I felt every minute of this story as if it were being read from the pages of Tolkien's umpteenth printing by a four-year-old. The dialogue is slow, awkward, and unjustly sentimental. To someone who has not read the book and doesn't have the pretext of the characters and their motivations, the lines are just as mystical as the glowing ring that every one scampers around in fear of.
Other than the spooky horsemen that chase around Frodo the cowardly protagonist, I simply could not find any reason for these middle earth misfits to do what they did. And if you don't find the scene where they all get together under "Agent" Hugo Weaving's direction and decide who's the bravest pussy in middle earth absolutely corny and remedial, then you just weren't listening. I'm still not sure what was less convincing: the ridiculous lines or the misdirected attempts to act them.
After three hours, and having lost complete sensation in my ass, they have the audacity to end the movie when things are finally starting to happen. At least Star Wars was sufficiently independent in each of its chapters. I didn't have to wait three years and pay $24 to get a coherent story.

On a positive note, I have to give credit to the DP and his aesthetic capture of New Zealand. Well done. Seeing your photography was the only aspect that made me feel value for my money. That applies to the inhabitants of New Zealand as well. Thanks for letting us expose your country to the world. I only hope that the leagues of trench coat-wearing D&D players flocking to your ports will spare you from the middle earth references they're dying to make.