Somebody please help me

Rating: 3/10 (2 July 2005)

Imagine a distant world in a forgotten era, a world where the good must struggle against the darkest evil. In this legendary world live an assortment of creatures that range from regular-size humans to different varieties of short people, some of whom can perform magic. It is a magical world where everything is completely predictable, and there are barely any women and no sexy people. This world is called Middle Earth.
You can learn all about Middle Earth by reading J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of The Rings trilogy, a story that shows Tolkien's desire to spend as much time away from his wife as possible. As a reading experience, it's akin to studying several History text books, only less interesting and you don't learn anything. The movie is fairly loyal to these ideas, and reinforces the attack on the innocent viewer with its expensive special effects and overwhelming, mind-numbing beauty.
Lord of the Rings is the story of a ring: the One Ring. You won't be forgetting this, trust me, as you will see many shots of it in the movie, usually in slow motion. There's another seven or eight rings too, but this one's The One. This ring is very, very powerful and hence very, very dangerous, so dangerous that most folk would succumb to it and become deranged freaks with distorted faces. It therefore makes sense that the chosen bearer of this ring should be Frodo, a lobotomized moron who can never quite figure out what the hell is going on, as emphasized by his never-ending dumbfounded facial expression, which we get to see (again in slow motion) approximately 300 times throughout the trilogy. This idiot is who we the viewers are supposed to relate to.
Now the main story goes like this: a crew made up of Frodo, his retard sidekick, an unshaven human, a dwarf, an archer who can't act (brilliantly played by Orlando Bloom), and some other people faking Irish accents set out on a journey to do whatever it is that had to be done with the One Ring. This entails fighting a whole lot of orcs time and time again. Even when you thought they were all dead, another 4000 orcs show up, always ready and willing to be killed in large numbers rather than simply commit suicide in the comfort of their homes. There's also Saruman and the similarly named Sauron, who play very important nondescript roles. As an interlude to each battle our friends go through, there's a slow motion scene of Frodo's idiotic expression as he stares at the ring for the fortieth time.
In summary: This movie is an ambitious attempt to end all humanity.