A Movie as fully realized as The Book

Rating: 10/10 (10 October 2003)

Dare I opine that the effects in this movie are unequalled in modern film-making? To wit: the magnificent, subterranean Goblin Hall (a CGI architecture masterpiece, 200-foot pillars stretching into shrouded distance); the hybrid orc at the tomb of Balin (a giant lumpy thing with the speed of a train and the relentlessness of Herpes Simplex B); the crumbling stone stairs, (a gratuitous flexing of effects muscle, which leaves one to assume that it was created merely to annoy George Lucas); Bilbo's initial meeting with Gandalf (a masterful handling of double-camera technique so subtle that it took a few moments to even realize your eyesight was being exploited); and so it went, each effect only enhancing the credibility of this incredible tale, paradoxically making this Fantasy World seem more 'real', rather than a CGI glut-fest: camera panning through vast caverns aflame with activity, as if they really existed; giant sculptures from antiquity adorning the countryside; wizardry, beasts, Vallejo-esque structures.
The movie being named The Lord Of The Rings, it was imperative to keep reminding the suburbanite viewer what all the running and screaming and poking was over. Consequently, there were 3 million close-ups of a filth-encrusted hand opening around a gold ring. Like Rocky Horror fans emulating their film heroes, people arrive at screenings having not washed their hands or hair for weeks. If you can make a person puke by letting them smell your hand, you get in for free.
ELIJAH WOOD, not having reached puberty yet at 22, played wide-eyed, bushy-footed hobbit hero, Frodo, cerulean-blue peepers and cheeks as-yet-unscarred by the Gillette Corporation. Urged by Gandalf to journey afar to destroy the Ring Of Power, Frodo embarks with three idiot friends. At an inn of disrepute, Frodo inadvertently rings his finger with this talisman and is assaulted by high-decibel shockwave static, out-of-focus fuzzheadedness and time-dilatory slow motion, a sum effect not unlike having way too much tequila with the boys the night before and going home with a fat stripper named Belulah and waking up with your face buried firmly between elephantine cheeks. (How I miss those days.) Here, the Hobbits ally with -
VIGGO MORTENSEN, as Strider/ Aragorn/ Euro Guy Compleat, the unshaven rockstar Hero. Always looking like he's just stepped out of a shower that didn't clean him, wet-haired Viggo lends his mighty sword to the quest in the hope that Wizard Gandalf might one day conjure up some soap. As the Hero Who Gets The Girl, on his first day of shooting, Viggo started making out with -
ORLANDO BLOOM, until someone told him that wasn't the girl. Bloom, whose name is perfectly congruent with the prim, blond elfin archer he played, Legolas, was responsible for holding up shooting for days on end when camera lenses would crack under the spell of his haunting boy-face. Constantly knocking on his trailer door, begging for beauty tips, was -
LIV TYLER. A goddess. The sensual electricity is headily apparent between her and Viggo, even though he hasn't washed since 1437 and his musky shirt is now stuck to his back with sweat. Some chicks just dig the rugged outdoorsy type, I guess. Anyone got her number? Certainly not -
SEAN ASTIN, who, having reached puberty and finding that he didn't like it, reverted back to dull, ambiguous child actor. Playing Frodo's sidekick, Sam-I-Am, most notably from Dr. Seuss's classic tale of Wizardry and Demonology, Green Eggs And Ham, Sam-I-Am is entrusted by Gandalf to ward Frodo. His one attempt at poignancy (`If I take one more step, it's the farthest I've ever been from home') is slamdunked by two hobbits from the East End, who join the quest to travel to the farthest reaches of the land, which was about ten miles down the road. Led by -
IAN MCKELLEN, renowned rille-faced veteran of stage, film and backdoor-mannery, as the stringy-haired, hessian-robed wizard Gandalf The Grey, hard-pressed curbing his desire to touch Elijah Wood's Golden Ring, dusky whispers taunting him whenever the candy-skinned man-boy would saunter near. One face-crease away from being Patrick Stewart's doppelganger, McKellen leads a ragtag expedition (did I just say 'ragtag'?) into special effects flummery, from the Elfin City, run by -
HUGO WEAVING, whose thespian prowess successfully melded two of his most famous roles: that of Agent Smith in The Matrix and the drag queen in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert. Told by Peter Jackson, to `wear something from Priscilla', he did, perfectly befitting his role as the Elfin Queen. But can there be anyone more fey than the ORIGINAL Lord Of The Wings -
CHRISTOPHER LEE, aka Dracula (pronounced 'Drah-kyule', which lends it more legitimacy for some reason), playing the treacherous Saruman, Gandalf's Human Resources Manager. Enrobed in startling white, snowy mane cascading to his lower back, beard grown down to big-ass medallion (that was how he turned up on set every day - before makeup), Wahmpyre Christopher is testament to the rejuvenative diet of worms and virgin blood. Considering his mortal body died 35 years ago, Lee continues to make onscreen cameos with as much verve as undead people half his age, like -
THE BALROG, undoubtedly the COOLEST daemon to stalk cloven-hoofed and flame-chiaroscuroed across a screen, stage or pentacle EVER! This torn-winged, hell-blackened, ram-horned apotheosis of Evil Incarnate (how I love him so!), faces off with The Great Gandalf in a cinematic sequence so astounding, breath-stopping and power-hammering that George Lucas is *still* trying to re-write Star Wars Episode Three.
There are two more Rings movies on the way, each, so we hear, as monumentally staggering as this one - Good Luck, George!