Historically Inaccurate

Rating: 1/10 (20 November 2003)

I've done my historical research and none of the stuff in this film actually happened. I mean 'The Patriot' and 'Braveheart' took liberties, but this is outrageous!
Firstly, I'm not sure where this 'Middle Earth' was (I'm guessing around the Leeds / Manchester area) and I assume that by 'The Shire' they're referring to Buckinghamshire. Well I used to live in Buckinghamshire Peter Jackson, and I can tell you it's nothing like what you show in the film. Next time you start slagging off a large English county I suggest that you do some proper research next time and actually visit the place! You'd be surprised to learn that less than HALF of people in Buckinghamshire are inbred and only 1 in 5 of them have extensively hairy feet.
If that's not bad enough Jackson then starts insulting dwarfs and Welsh people. Apparently everybody in Wales is a dwarf. Well if I was a short I would be horrified to be associated with the Welsh, even a Welshman like Colin Farrell (who's very talented). AND to make matters worse, he then goes on to LIE that the Welsh live in huge underground caverns. Just were does he get all this from? Is he on drugs?
Anyway, basically somebody Buckinghamshire finds this ring and goes back to a medieval version of Aylesbury (thankfully without the Aylesbury Vale District Council and their stupid 'must wear trousers' laws). I wasn't really paying attention, but apparently this ring is part of a set, like the kind you see in the Sunday Mirror Magazine. Well this guy call Sauron (I say guy, but actually he's just a huge eye! What's that about Jackson you mad Kiwi hack?! Where's Sauron from eh? Slough?) has nearly got the whole set of these rings and just needs the last one, then he can get the collectors display case or something. But apparently people from Buckinghamshire are all thieves now, so a group of these stunted drunkards run off with it, accompanied by Jesus (and he looks really old in this) and that gay guy in the tight shorts from GI Jane. What were they thinking? I could have told them things were going to go bad!
Next thing they meet up with this blonde chick with a bow, Sean bean and a Welshman who all join up to throw the ring in a Volcano. A volcano? In England? Oh I'm sorry Peter Jackson but there are no volcanoes in England, not even in Bedford, so that's another part of your story proved to be rubbish. Do more research! Naturally Sauron sends these medieval hells angels after his last ring as quite rightly he wants it back and Jesus goes and sees another Jesus (don't even get me started on this one) who turns out to be a bad Jesus! Jackson, exactly what happened in your head? Are you clinically insane?
Erm I think then that the bad Jesus made some cockneys out of mud and then everyone went to Wales (where everyone was dead) and a burning giant with wings fell down a hole. Duh! Giants don't have wings! The giant then kills Jesus and things start to go bad, especially when all these cockneys (who do actually look like cockneys) turn up and kill Sean Bean and kidnap some of the guys from Bucks.
It's a good job I drank a bottle of cough syrup at this point because I was getting really angry, the angriest I've been since the flagrant false advertising of 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' (the only time I've been forcibly removed from a cinema). When I awoke I was in the Royal Bucks Hospital after apparently going berserk and shouting 'MY PRECIOUS. WANT'S IT SHE DOES!!' Well I'm sorry Aylesbury Crown Court but if running around the Civic Centre with no trousers on attacking female members of staff is 'berserk' then I hate to what would happen if something really serious happened.
If you want to watch a proper historical film then I'd recommend 'Krull', because it has a flying clavicle in it! But if your doing research for a piece of GCSE History course work, regarding the corn laws then definitely give 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' a miss.