The Longest Yard: About 2 Hours Too Long

Rating: 4/10 (28 February 2006)

When I walked into my local Blockbuster one fateful September evening, realizing that the remake of the 1974 film "The Longest Yard" was the only movie I had any inclination to rent, I felt a small part of my dignity die. I had never seen the original, so I had no idea what to expect, but something didn't feel right as I was walking out of the store, getting into my car, and making my way home to watch the movie. Adam Sandler films have never been considered Oscar-worthy, but his earlier titles, such as "Billy Madison," "Happy Gilmore," and "The Waterboy," were at least slightly humorous diversions I could enjoy during otherwise mundane afternoons. "The Longest Yard," the 2005 remake of the aforementioned Burt Reynolds vehicle, let me down in ways I should have predicted beforehand. Speaking of predictions, I can't say I was completely oblivious to what I was going to see in this movie. Of course, it would be full of juvenile humor, a few too many unrealistic crunches and splatters during the football scenes, and, of course, the obligatory Rob Schneider, "You can do it!". What I didn't expect was the general sense of boredom conveyed in the role of Sandler himself, playing former NFL quarterback Paul Crewe, or the disappointment that came along with Reynolds himself, phoning in another role in his already dying career. Even judging the film as what it is trying to be, a tasteless two-hour romp through scene after scene of stereotypical, clichéd prison humor and a glorification of football violence, I still found it difficult to love; sort of an ugly stepchild among Sandler's more prominent, entertaining movies.
The film starts off with a drunken Sandler being nagged on by his wife, played by the well-known Courtney Cox-Arquette (Scream, Scream 2) in a small, uncredited role, who wants him to wear a ridiculous sailor outfit for a costume party she and her husband are hosting. Sandler, who plays a forgotten quarterback whose football legacy has been forever tarnished by gambling accusations, instead steals his wife's Bentley, gets into a police chase, and ends up totaling the car. The most emotion I felt during this movie was when several police cars slammed into the Bentley from all sides, as I was hoping they hadn't destroyed a real Bentley for such a waste of a film. I have to say this scene soured my attitude towards the rest of the movie. Anyway, as punishment, Sandler is sent to a maximum-security prison in Texas, full of the huge, dumb yet lovable inmates and cruel, so-easy-to-hate guards we've all grown accustomed to in pretty much every prison film ever made. And I can't forget to mention the greedy, corrupt warden (Shawshank Redemption, anyone?), who forces Sandler to organize a football team comprised of inmates to test the warden's team of guards before their big game against a rival penitentiary. One thing to commend this film for is the grayness it gives to both the heroes and villains, as no character is completely good or evil, but always somewhere in between. Playing the comic relief is comedian Chris Rock (Doctor Dolittle, Dogma), who brings a few laughs to the table, mostly dealing with what-else but racial issues. Reynolds (Bean, Boogie Nights) plays Sandler's mentor behind the bars of the prison, in a forgettable role he seems to be sleepwalking through. Former WWF wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin plays a sadistic prison guard, while former WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg plays one of Sandler's fellow inmates, whose physical "gifts" are used as the butt of far too many cheap jokes. I found it hard not to root for them to get into a ring and duke it out, as it wouldn't make the film lose any credibility, while still managing to add some real action to another generic sports movie. Of course, the climax of the film is the showdown between the inmates and guards, which I won't spoil the outcome of, but by that point most viewers simply won't care anymore and be counting down the minutes on the scoreboard until the game is over.
Director Peter Segal (Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps, Anger Management) gives the film a sleek, polished look, full of quick-cuts and plenty of close-ups, especially during the football scenes. The dialogue, while not worthy of the Tarantino-Seal Of Approval, isn't terrible by any means. And the humor, which many viewers might find quite offensive, and most sober viewers will not find very funny, maintains a level of consistency from beginning to end, offering a hearty chuckle or two. But as a whole, the film just doesn't work. It lacks any sense of desperation or the kind of foreboding atmosphere any quality prison movie should offer. When you have ESPN announcer Chris Berman doing the play-by-play for the final game, you're pretty much taking any kind of realistic feel out of the movie altogether. What is this, the Entertainment and Sports Prison Network?
Since I've never seen the original, I can't make a fair connection between the two. What I can predict, however, is that this film will be soon forgotten while the original will continue to enjoy its reputation as one of the better prison/football movies ever made. This movie steals elements from far better football films, such as "Any Given Sunday" which may cause viewers to cringe once the bone-crunching, hard-hitting mayhem begins. In the former film, however, it was used as a way to garner emotion from those witnessing it, while in this it succeeds at being nothing more than a gross-out effect. And the obvious homage to "The Shawshank Redemption" will make some think to themselves, "Have I been here before?" Overall, however, this film succeeds at what it is trying to be: a foul-mouthed, somewhat entertaining (at least I was able to sit though all of it) effortless comedy, and with that, it earns 4 bananas out of 10 bananas.