Fumble. All I can say is fumble.

Rating: 3/10 (27 October 2007)

What did I like about this film? Was there anything worth keeping with this nearly play by play remake that would make even the British version blush? Outside of the hits and the music, there was absolutely nothing. "The Longest Yard" was the sorriest sad sack of a comedy ever to be called a film. While it tried to be identical to the first, it misses the mark mainly due to the characters, the cheap inserted jokes, and the obvious over budget. Do we need to be spending millions of dollars to make the grass greener? Before I begin, I want everyone to look at the box to this DVD  see Adam grinning  does he look tough enough, does he look like a QB, does he look like he can be hit by huge linebackers and live to tell? My answer is no, and for you hoping to see a Happy Gilmore in a football jersey, you will be sadly disappointed. This film was plastic wrap in its grandest of ways. This film is Styrofoam when you really just needed a big belly laugh to ease the day. This film was cliché after cliché with a VERY LOUD soundtrack. How could this be? Basically, this was the same film that Reynolds did a long time ago, but with Adam Sandler  shouldn't it be funnier?
Alas it wasn't. How did this film fail? After watching the original film, the British "Mean Machine", and finally this one, I came to realize that the spirit was just missing from the cast, the production, and the design. While Sandler spewed the same lines that Reynolds did during his prime, it was difficult for me to see Sandler filling into Reynolds' boots. The two actors are not the same, the age of America is different, and what originally was a creative film about self-discovery, turned into an over-budgeted film about trying to make the audience see those amazing hits that can be seen on ESPN. Director Peter Segal has nobody to blame but himself. "The Longest Yard" is one of those films that couldn't be remade today because the surrounding themes are obsolete. The bulk of this issue falls on the casting. I have already denounced Sandler, but Chris Rock is the icing on the cake. He is absolutely not Caretaker. He was not the smart, Jiminy Cricket-esquire character that Crewe needed to see what was important to him in the long run. When it comes to the quintessential pinch moment, there is no emotion  I literally didn't care what happened between the two. They tried to be funny together with words, but the humor in the original fell in the situation, not Rock lounging around like this was his obvious first day at prison. The rest of the story, with the miscast of these two, fell completely to the ground. Sandler's cronies are there, Schnieder humiliating himself again, but Cromwell made me twitch again. Where was his evil, his motive, his sinister tenacity? Again, due to a much bigger budget, bigger stars, and a decision to make the punches bigger than the story, Segal let this film slip right out of his hands and into a failed category.
Nothing worked in this film  at least I didn't think anything did until I finished the film and found myself humming a few bars from the music. The music was way TOO LOUD  it distracted (like so many other elements of this remake) from the essential story lines, but it was perfect music for this film. They strengthened the hits, made us feel like we were on the field with the team, and inspired us to root for the good guys  but the music alone doesn't create an amazing film (unless it is a musical  but I digress). "The Longest Yard" suffered because of its poor character development, its poor casting decision, the painful story, and the insufferable direction. Yet, the music remained a constant focus. Thank you music team  it is the only one that I am handing out for this review.
Overall, I hated this film. It disgraced the original and I don't even find myself a fan of sports films. If I had to rank these three films (the original, the remake, and the British) it would be a tight race between Vinnie Jones and young Reynolds  I thought that the Brits seemed to have a better grasp on what this film was trying to accomplish more than Segal did. Sandler was a joke, Rock sunk to the bottom, and it was obvious that Reynolds was just in it for the nostalgic effect. While the cameos by the ex-jocks would make any enthusiast drool, they try their best to hold up any remaining value to this film. It took me two views to make it through this, while I can nearly recite all of the lines from "Happy Gilmore" or "Billy Madison". That should be the perfect example of what horrid road Sandler has been traveling. I would strongly suggest skipping this film. Watch the original or import, but seem to know better what comedy is all about than Mr. Segal.
Grade: * out of *****