Remakes: for the ignorant

Rating: 1/10 (10 October 2005)

Need I say in this review that I hate remakes, especially if the original was a classic? Nothing made today could even come close to the original Longest Yard. The only things there are to gain from a remake are self promotion and profits. Not because they love the movie, but because they want to feed off of what others love.
It's all about money. After all, it's much easier remaking something that's already loved, rather than creating and inventing something from scratch and hoping everyone will like it. That is the bane of today's filmmakers, abandoning creativity and taking the shortcut to success. Now they introduce The Longest Yard to a younger, ignorant audience. Where will it end?
The first scene tries and fails to capture Burt Reynold's classic Paul Crewe from the start. Not only do we see that Sandler is not worthy, but he really has no good reason to crash his girlfriend's car. Of course it is captured on CNN in a heartbeat when realistically cops these days take 20 minutes to even respond to a call unless it involves a life and death situation.
The cons in the original were easy to side with and the Warden and Captain Knauer were much meaner. These 2005 cons are a bunch of lame cocky rap-listening self-absorbed jerks that reflect the "me" athletes of today. I could not find myself rooting for these shallow inmates.
Richard Kiel's original character was copied into being a big dumb bald black fool who had some of the worst lines in the movie. "I LIKE little Michael!" WTF! The classic character of Connie Shokner was turned into some ugly big-jawed Mexican on steroids. Proof enough here that you can't imitate a classic with stupid wannabes.
The gay cheerleader roles were expanded to give Tracy Morgan more air time. A convict is giving out cheeseburgers, how stupid is all this? This whole movie is like watching a WWF wrestling match with all it's brainless chest beating, suitable for rednecks with the brain of a fern. Of course, today's "MTV kids" will love it! My god, get a life!
I saw this at work off a bootleg, thank god I didn't pay for it. I mercifully turned off the DVD before the end, not caring what happened. If this is going to be the sorry result of remakes, the entertainment world is in trouble. I'll give it a 1 of 10 just to knock it lower than the overrated 6.3 rating that the ADD-riddled youngsters of today have given it.