"We are going to lose the war . . . "

Rating: 7/10 (2 January 2016)

" . . . because our glorious Fuehrer has taken a sleeping pill and is not to be awakened," laments a German field marshal around dawn on THE LONGEST DAY. With its peppy theme song desecrated by sappy, upbeat lyrics, this farce is no BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI. The soldiers there had the sense to merely whistle "Colonel Bogie's March," NOT prattle insipid lyrics glossing over unspeakable war-time agonies. Most of the spoken dialogue in THE LONGEST DAY sounds so contrived, pompous, and written 15 years after-the-fact that it seems probable that some of the dimmer bulbs in the cast--such as self-admitted potheads John Wayne and Robert Mitchum--were allowed to ad lib their own lines. With at least 60 speaking parts, most characters (including Henry Fonda's doomed American President's son) get lost in the shuffle, and virtually none merit a movie watcher's attention (no matter how Heroic their Real Life counterparts). If Hitler had had an opportunity to watch this three-hour snooze-fest, he would not have needed to take a sleeping pill in order to nod off! Producer Darryl F. Zanuck apparently was too dense to realize that having FIVE directors on your flick is nothing to crow about. If he wanted to be honest about something, he might have advertised that THE LONGEST DAY was mostly his effort to make his latest mistress--Irina Demich--a movie star, so that he could reap the perks that might come with her gratitude. THE LONGEST DAY is like giving SAVING PRIVATE RYAN a HOGAN'S HEROES makeover. This could well be one of the WORST World War Two pictures of all time!