Intriguing premise.....depressingly disappointing

Rating: 2/10 (28 January 2017)

(Very minor spoilers)
Sometime late 2016, I happened across a trailer for this strange looking film starring Colin Farrell. At its very basic, it is the story of a guy who goes to a hotel and he must find love in 45 days or he will be transformed into the animal of his choice...in this case, a lobster. It was very strange and the trailer implied that it would be comedy of sorts (Dark humor, maybe?) set in a world similar to ours but yet very different. I missed it when it came out in theaters and I have only just watched it via Red Box.
There was one glaring question as I watched this film and after it was done: how did this film get all this praise (3rd place at Cannes, and nominated for Best Screenplay at the Academy Awards)?
To hear/read the accolades and to listen to the cast and crew reminisce on how beautiful and thought provoking this film was...made me wonder if I am just not in tune with "true art". Maybe my rational brain is incapable of absorbing the nuances of the director's soft yet firm take on the love story. Yes, this supposedly a love story set to a dystopian dark comedy. A dark comedy it is not, not even the slightest snicker even dared to pass my lips the entire film. What did pass my lips was either a yawn or a demand for the film to "get on with it!" and stop dragging it's feet.
Here is the main problem: the majority of the film possessed absolutely zero emotion. The only time anyone even gave a hint of human emotion was when something painful/traumatizing occurred to a character. The rest of the time they spoke like Ben Stien after taking too many depressants. The actors said that if they gave any emotion it would detract from the beauty of the script...I'm sorry, when Shyamalan characters have more natural sounding dialogue than you then there is a serious problem. It also doesn't help that the majority of the cast don't speak English as a primary language...or that this is the first English language film by this director!
And what about the love story? It is more a story about what is love or how you know you are in love. In this film and the setting...love is finding someone who has a similar distinguishing characteristic to you regardless of true feelings. You have a limp, I have a limp...we are a perfect match! Yes, the "love" in this film is that absurd (not funny absurd, just depressingly sad absurd). And then you have the two societies in this film: the couples and the loners. The couples are the general population that forces everyone to strive toward partnership regardless of actual feelings. Concepts like individualism are oppressed and family is simply a product to help combat partner conflict. The loners are the ones living free in the woods to be individuals.....individuals that must live by the group's rules or suffer terrifying punishment on par with what the couples do.
The film is absurd to the core. The characters are not at all realistic. The absurd dystopian society exists without rhyme or reason. The plot aimlessly drags on forever. And the ambiguously sudden ending left me shouting "Thank God It's Over!" rather than "No! I want to know what happened!"
If you must see it, rent it for find a free copy. Spend as little money as you can on this "film."
I give this film one steaming red lobster....straight into the trash can.