Meandering and monotone in every single aspect

Rating: 4/10 (8 February 2016)

Let me preface this review by giving some attention to the truly fantastic poster art for this film. Whoever designed it did a great job. But now this poster frustrates me when I look at it. When I first saw this poster, I thought I was going to get something actually engaging, thought-provoking, a more nuanced and intellectual take on modern relationships. As it turns out, the poster is one of the only truly good parts about "The Lobster", and yes, it has nothing to do with the movie itself. I am not familiar with or have seen the director's previous work, so I come in with no biases or particular expectations beyond the poster and that it stars Colin Farrell, an extremely competent and fluid actor who scored some great roles in the past.
The film's premise is highly original and almost begging for fantastic execution in providing a succinct dark comedy. "In a dystopian near future, single people, according to the laws of The City, are taken to The Hotel, where they are obliged to find a romantic partner in forty-five days or are transformed into beasts and sent off into The Woods." This is great stuff they're working with, and this premise does indeed provide some truly good scenes in the first half of this two-hour film. Notice how I said, "first half".
For some reason it seems the filmmakers were making this great story, a dry-witted satire about being turned into an animal if you don't find a partner in this nightmarish hotel, and they just up and said to each other, "you know what? F*ck this, who the hell would want to see this! No, no, let's ditch this premise and make it all about boring sh*t involving people speaking in monotone to each other in the woods, doing absolutely nothing? Yeah mate, that sounds fantastic, let's f*cking do it, let's crash this movie into mumblecore monotone indie garbage with nothing interesting going on except watching some "romance" of characters the audience has absolutely no interest in!"
Screw you, filmmakers. I expected a lot more from this. I may not have expected an "amazing" movie, or perhaps even a "great" one, but I certainly didn't expect myself to be watching the screen with my eyes half-open wondering "what the hell is this?" Some bits are good however, there is one particular bit in the hotel portion of the movie (the only half-decent portion) where a lady crushing on Colin Farrell says she will commit suicide if she doesn't find a partner. He doesn't reciprocate her feelings and then we are treated to a particularly gut-wrenching seen where she plops right in front of him and he just stands there looking uncomfortable and flirting with a psychopathic woman who he suddenly falls in love with. And then I find myself wondering, wait a minute, this was a good scene. Since when is Colin Farrell a psychopath or attracted to psychopaths? Why does he want to set up with a woman like this that *spoiler alert* he has a bad end with the very next night?
And from then on, it only goes downhill. It doesn't help at all that every single actor in the movie is speaking in such a disgustingly uncharismatic monotone, nobody cares if this was the "point" it makes a dreadful movie! Who wants to watch stupid, illogical unsympathetic characters who all speak to each other in a single tone of voice? You're better off giving the premise to a five year old child and telling them to draw a series of stick-figure pictures on what happens.You'll receive a more entertaining movie than this.