STOP PAYING DISNEY TO LAZILY REMAKE YOUR CHILDHOOD

Rating: 3/10 (26 July 2019)

My question going into the latest "pay-us-for-your-nostalgia" Disney-remake was, "Why do we need this? What new can it bring?". Technically, the CGI animation is impressively state-of-the-art and new. Otherwise, my worst fears were warranted. It's not just similar to its source material but is 100% the same in almost every aspect. From moment one, when the iconic "NAAAH SA-VIN-YAAAH!" bursts forth, I realized they were so beholden to the '94 classic they didn't even bother rerecording that vocal. It sets the stage for both the larger things (story beats / scenes), as well as the smaller things (specific line deliveries), to be a lazy karaoke tune. So frustratingly unimaginative, it makes 2019's Aladdin look like a feat of original storytelling.
Thankfully, the greatness of the story is left untouched, though it was already plenty great without being redone. The few things that are changed don't expand the story, but just extend scenes past the point of reasonable story economics. We're forced to sit through self-congratulatory animation montages that are useless beyond "look what we did!"
Crowds seem to be going for the cast, and many of those performances are the highlights. Listening to Glover & Beyonce sing together is special, Scar is decently rendered, and Rogen & Eichner offer the most unique and successful moments. Still, with dialogue so slavish, you can sense the actors desperately trying not to copy what they grew up hearing.
Honestly, even the technical brilliance is often a hindrance. By making the animals photoreal, we take away individual personalities, physical nuances, and even facial expressions, all of which help us relate to their plight. So, again I ask, why do we need this?