Appallingly trite

Rating: Null/10 (12 December 2003)

12/06/03
Warning!! Full of spoilers!!!
So, I just returned from watching Dances with Wolves on the big screen again. Danc ... er, I mean, The Last Samurai, tells the familiar post-Civil War story of Heroic White Soldier Man placing himself unwittingly in the midst of noble, yet oppressed, adversaries perceived by him and his as savages with the intent to protect his way of life from these savages at whatever cost. Yet somehow, while those about him have moved on from fighting the Johnny Rebs to fighting the noble, dying breed, Heroic White Soldier Man becomes enamored of the savages' way of life. This, naturally, leads to three predictable outcomes.
1.) Heroic White Soldier Man forsakes his upbringing. 2.) Heroic White Soldier Man becomes reciprocally endeared to the wife of the savage man he (or his kind) killed. 3.) Heroic White Soldier Man uses all that he learned as young pre-Heroic White Soldier Man against other White Soldier Men. And fails ... yet lives.
In this "epic", Cruise's reforming drunk Nathan Algren uses Thermopoly (look it up) to describe how 300 Spartans hold off an army of 10,000+ Persians. That is true. An amazing story, really. But the requisite imitation of this famous conflict leads to a woefully-shot battle scene, a Custer's last stand, for which there is so much foreboding earlier in the film, with sides reversed. Subtle as a blunt-force trauma to the head. If that is lost on anyone, please let me know.
One would think that, given Cruise's star power at this point in his career, he could command the services of a more profound and glamorous cinematographer, visual production staff and site scouts. Instead, You are left feeling like you are surveying a rich farmer's hillside backyard. The first 30 seconds of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers massively outshadows any effort of majesty here, in all of Samurai's close-to-2.5 hours of supposed "wow".
Despite his warrior inclination, that Algren (a.k.a. Cruise, a.k.a Heroic White Soldier Man) could master the art of Bushido so proficiently after just a few months of FIRST detoxifying and THEN leaving muddy footprints on his host's floor only to then follow in the footsteps of Kevin Cos ... er, I mean Lt. John Dunbar, and to realize the beauty (and being mastered ... that is, beaten easily, painfully and repeatedly by his early-on, barbarian-hating-but-later-honor-respecting nemesis whose name is not sufficiently identified in the credits ... guessing it's Seizo Fukumoto) is so profoundly believable ... groan. In short, Cruise could have commanded Costner's "Waterworld" budget and Ed Zwick could have done a much better job. Instead, he got less, and the moviegoer is the noble, and shortchanged, savaged victim.
NEXT UP: Russell Crowe plays disenchanted ex-Civil War General Ambrose Burnside, afflicted with Oliver-Stone-like flashbacks after the Battle of Antietam, who travels to far off New Zealand (so as not to stretch Crowe's acting abilities too far beyond rational belief) to fight off a Maori insurgency. En route to decisive success, he will fall for a Maori princess, played, in authentic black-face, by a strung-out Meg Ryan. In the climactic scene, Crowe's desperate forces will brilliantly route the right flank (isn't it always the right flank?) of the numerically superior British forces, under superb cover of Ryan and her enlisted help (cameos by Martha Stewart, Halle Berry, Tonya Harding and LaToya Jackson) flinging Teflon-coated cookware, entire sets of Revereware cutlery and subtle, yet masterfully crafted, pot pourri baskets packing a C-4 punch at the main Brit force. Consider the inherent anachronism of this soon-to-be-released film as suspension of disbelief. And be sure to have your suspension checked out by a certified mechanic before you enter the theater. In short, Crowe triumphs, valiantly, defying all odds (imaginable ... even for a South Park episode). He and Ryan wed, and she divorces him just as quickly in hopes of adding his "half" to her fortune. No longer in the movie here, folks. And she commits herself to Betty Ford for 30 days after learning that he has invested his entire amassed wealth in Martha Stewart Enterprises.