Tom of Japan is Ridiculous!

Rating: Null/10 (20 December 2003)

"The Last Samurai" has been quite accurately skewered as "Dances With Samurai," but that only begins to get across how ridiculous this movie is, as, in contrast, I liked "Dances With Wolves."
At least "Lawrence of Arabia" was based on a true, if improbable, story on how an Occidental gets caught up in the Mysterious Orient (as the Mideast too was called then), takes on traditional values, and becomes a Great Military Leader, while this is pure bunk fiction. Or does he travel east because this is one group of people that for the most part Tom Cruise can be taller than?
How can Cruise's disillusioned Civil War veteran adopt a culture that he and we actually don't even learn about, other than a few words of Japanese. One can certainly learn more from watching "Yojimbo" or a number of other Akira Kurosawa films than the zero one gets here, The one-on-one fight scenes are not only unconvincing once, but director Edward Zwick takes one tutoring fight and repeats it three times, one time even in slo-mo.
It is out and out laughable that the head samurai speaks fluent English, let alone the surprisingly accessible Emperor; at least in old World War II movies the general always says: "You are surprised I speak your language? USC, Class of '38!" Maybe he went to USC class of 1838? Is that how he came to be so well informed about the American Indian Wars (but not about classical Greek military history)?
The romance is much played up on the trailer but mostly consists of curious and longing glances that could be out of an Austen novel, plus the mandatory cliche shot of the bland beauty discreetly bathing by a stream.

And I was a bit confused as an audience member that I was being manipulated to cheer for an American who joins a fanatical resistance against an effort to open up a foreign country to Western influences, corrupt as they might be, and grovels with blind allegiance to an absolute monarch while in effect yelling "Bonsai!" against an army of ill-trained peasant conscripts. Hmm, isn't that what John Walker was doing in Afghanistan?

The battle scenes are more like the naive brutality of old vs. new military technology showcased in "Barry Lyndon" than the drama of "Saving Private Ryan."
The repeating drum beats in the score, redolent of traditional Japanese drumming, are effective.