Suicide

Rating: 1/10 (22 October 2007)

Risible. Or it would have been if it was funny. Where was the sub-plot: where was the plot? The only Roman theme in this was that of suicide: the theatrical suicide of Colin Firth and Ben Kingsley. This film was down there competing with Yentl and that Caribbean caper with Geena Davis for worst film ever. OK, I am a sucker for Roman history, but the glumping inaccuracies in this were, er, legion: and the filming, and the script - ooh, Matron! And the sets - I mean, I know its Christmas soon, but do we need pantomime cardboard walls so early? Then the journey... over the top of the Matterhorn was never the best way to Britannia, even in the fifth century. No wonder Colin Firth looked uncomfortable. Gladiator meets Lord of the Rings, they get drunk together and scrawl a script on the back of a fag packet. Result: The Last Legion. Poor Rome: not even Alaric, Gaiseric and Totila combined ever inflicted such humiliation on her.