Older than 18? Seen historical films before? Seen any good films before? Not for you then

Rating: 3/10 (2 November 2019)

There was Sir Laurence Olivier. There was Kenneth Branagh. There was Tom Hiddleston. Then there is this pile of rubbish and a mumbly poxy American kid that spends all his time concentrating on trying to sound English rather than conveying any emotion or character, or actual acting. Awful. The most "helpful" reviews sum up who this is for: Good even with the '15th century language'(Oh Lord...that's 21st century English trying to sound ye olde timey with the occasional use of "mine", hon). Numerous mentions of the two young heartthrobs because they're kids and have never seen a decent actor before and the general quality of Netflix films (which we're "jealous of" for some reason not because we're history and film buffs with decades of experience and know what a pile of turd is oh no it's something to do with Netflix and jealousy). So not a high bar, is it? WHY did they run with and ruin the Shakespearean version with Falstaff? Why does this exist? A Joel Edgerton vanity project that's why. It has been done MUCH better with MUUUUCH better actors and it is painfully noticeable this is inferior despite nice enough cinematography, a good budget and a THEORETICALLY decent supporting cast (but they couldn't save it either). This is just no Hollow Crown or Henry V. This is a mess. Despite the fine wrapping and bows I just mentioned, the Emperor has no clothes. For a nearly 2-and-a-half-hour film it is shockingly lacking in depth and character development or any general personal investment. I couldn't care less if Henry died of Pox and Agincourt never happened. That might have actually been interesting and new if it did happen. Falstaff was unnecessary, un-Falstaff and I felt no real emotive connection with Henry or Falstaff, which is a special feat of mediocrity because usually I am deeply conflicted and impacted over that relationship in several tellings. I get that it might be nice to see Henry V with Falstaff in easy language rather than the usual screen versions that are the Shakespearean language play (imagine how the '15th century language' dude would fare in those ROFL). But it was a gamble that failed imho. If they tried for an historically accurate Henry V without Falstaff maybe I'd be more forgiving - at least that would be something a little new but they bollocksed that up on a spectacular scale ne'er before seen as well. Truly awful. It's not a douche or a turd. It's a douche turd. It's the absolute worst of both worlds - Shakespeare and "history" and destroying both. It's barely watchable and is outright slow and pointless for more than it should be, some serious things come off quite cheesy or rushed and will certainly not stay with me in the way The Hollow Crown did at least not in a good way. Sean Harris, a FINE character actor couldn't pull it together - even he was weirdly quiet and mumbly. I can imagine Edgerton going: "OK guys like quiet mumbling means something is REALLY important and serious OK because the calibre of acting and the script itself obviously can't convey that on its own OK? And...... Action" Yes it's that bad. Pattinson's accent not good and annoying and the dialogue is poor but why pick on him? Everyone's accent is put on and bad and the dialogue is poor. Why bother casting an American as English and an Englishman as French? And Australians everywhere with bad English accents too. Who are you people giving this 9-10 stars and what is actually wrong with you? Are you 10? Have you not seen historical movies before? Or even just... movies? Like this was not a good movie period, not just on historical terms. The acting was woeful. The script was truly horrible. The ending just lost it another star (yes, it's taken me two days to finish this monstrosity I couldn't bare it). "Great Speech" hey? You people have obviously never seen a decent movie or heard the Shakespeare you boggle my darn mind. It was ludicrous and badly acted. Accurate Agincourt? Get out of town. Shiny things and a big soundtrack and budget do not a good movie make. On St Crispin's Day that was a speech but ahhh whatever who cares the CHILDREN rating this obviously don't. Just end. When will this film ever end? What a spectacular waste and abomination. The ending made me want to stab myself in the head. This truly takes the "Hollow" from "The Hollow Crown".