You're Only Supposed To Rip The Bloody Title Off.

Rating: 5/10 (20 January 2008)

Like many people, I was prejudiced by the title. It betokened yet another hammy Hollywood re-make of an earlier and far more engaging movie, but with the dubious improvements of a bigger budget, more pyrotechnics, and some inevitable CGI.
And - that's more or less what we got.
It began slickly enough with a tense little heist episode set in the back-waters of Venice. This served as entrée to a boat-chase that was so clearly ripped-off from 'Puppet On A Chain' and a couple of inferior Bond movies that the makers might have borrowed one of their less iconic titles instead (Oh gosh; surely that wasn't another gondola being chopped in half!)
The gold they made off with was actually Ukrainian. And that was were the 'Italian Job' ended.
What followed was a needlessly violent double-cross, a bout of self-indulgent grieving that I thought would never end. And, of course, revenge - a very long revenge. There were one or two occasions when I was genuinely bored.
That initial heist in Venice was simple, self-explicit and therefore quite involving.
However, the rest of the movie was played out in San Francisco (yawn) which is obviously a much cheaper location, being just down the road from Hollywood. There's no obscure, crooked bureaucracy or foreign language to get your head around either. But I've seen it in so many movies by now that I could surely draw a street-plan from memory.
And it was here that a presumption of audience stupidity set in, and things began to happen with practically no explanation at all. It was high-technology, you see. Viewers had to be computer whizz-kids. You either understood it or you didn't. I lost count of the frequency with which I saw fingers deftly running-over keyboards with little or no explanation. And likewise there were brief shots of data flashing up and across screens, but again with no additional clarity. Basically, the message was that a laptop in the hands of big enough nerd could work miracles. I wasn't convinced. Then, without the least introduction, new characters just popped-up to fill plot gaps, including one huge fat 'fixer' like Jabba the Hut. Fifteen seconds of fame for him (and perhaps a crash-diet to follow).
After the 'Puppet On A Chain' chase rip-off, we were next treated to a 'Bullit' chase rip-off through the streets of San Francisco, and finally a rip-off from the original 'Italian Job' with mini-cars chasing through storm drains. I also spotted a number of other little out-dated and stolen clichés, but frankly - just one day after viewing - I have already forgotten what they were.
Memorable, this isn't. Since 1969 I have seen 'The Italian Job' many many times. I know how it goes and how it ends. But it's such a fun feel-good movie that it still entertains me today. This? I don't expect to see it again.
'Story' I was once told, is something that happens to somebody you have been moved to care about. And there's the rub. Like so many other modern movies; I couldn't care a hoot about any of these implausible two-dimensional plastic characters: not them, or what happened to them. The standard Hollywood 'pouting totty' was the least plausible of all. Though naturally; she wasn't just a pretty face; she also happened to be an expert safe-cracker and rally-cross driver too. A sort of latter-day Lara Croft. Quite. It's no more than I've come to expect in this age of emancipation.
Perhaps they should have called it 'All The Crime Caper Movies You've Ever Seen Rolled Into One Job', or maybe 'Ocean's Eleven Clichés'.
There are worse offerings to watch, but you could pile-up a much bigger stack of better ones - unless perhaps you're a computer-nerd.
Nice title - shame about the film.