Michael Baynality Strikes Again!

Rating: 2/10 (18 August 2005)

Michael Bay's latest cinematic infestation has, like his previous entries, a moderately interesting raison d'être, and unlike his previous entries, two talented and watchable leads. But don't let this apparent improvement fool you as it did me! Unfortunately, nothing is expressed with anything approaching true artistic conviction; rather, we get the usual subtle-as-an-elephant-standing-on-your-eye and atomic-bomb-exploding-in-your-auditory-canal approach to film-making that is central to Michael Bay's philosophy.
Opening on a boat and quickly segueing to Ewan McGregor's primary character lying on a bed, "The Island" hints at something halfway decent. The slightly unconventional feel and jaunty wit continues as McGregor exits his bed and relieves himself which results in a "rebuke" of a sort from a computer display (his urine is found to contain too much sodium). Then he scorns that he's missing a left shoe. Unfortunately, this darkly humorous approach quickly evaporates, and once the film has revealed its unoriginal but sly twist, the entire endeavour quickly careens downhill. As the film continues, it becomes clear that Bay is operating in familiar "leave your brain at the door" territory: a one-note megalomaniac (played competently but unremarkably by Sean Bean) is into legalised murder and will go to any and all lengths necessary to protect his secret operation.
If you're expecting a deep and profound character study of anyone in this film or a sobering treatment of the issues surrounding cloning and human oppression, then you've come to the wrong place. "THX 1138" and "Blade Runner" this ain't! Unfortunately, "The Island" even fails as a slick piece of Sci-Fi action in the vein of "Demolition Man" or last year's "I, Robot". A tepid screenplay doesn't convince us of anyone or anything. Take Lincoln's (McGregor's) monologue to Bean's "Dr Evil" figure. The monotony of Lincoln's life is communicated in his rant about tofu and white tracksuits but whatever limited humour it does convey is killed dead when Lincoln dryly pronounces he wants "more than just waiting to go to the Island". A couple of later scenes do hit the mark  look out for a cataclysmic misappraisal of euphemisms for visiting the toilet in a bar and McGregor's self-deprecating encounter with his "real" self - but these are about the only real highlights and enter the picture when it's long past saving. Just as damaging are McGregor and Johansson's screen presences. While they turn in competent portrayals, their characters are virtually devoid of depth or charisma and fail at ever making you care about them as individuals or their plight.
Stinking this film up and pushing it further into the twin realms of incredulity and vapidity are Bay's trademark assaults on the senses and sensibilities of film lovers everywhere. We get the usual flurry of jarring MTV cuts, rapidly spinning panoramic shots (enough to make you hurl), the obligatory black helicopters and more sped-up/slow-mo flourishes than you can shake a stick at. Poorly designed and staged chase sequences, replete with obnoxious quips, finish the equation. Worse still, we're subjected to some blatant and totally incongruous product placement. Considering "The Island" is set in the future, who honestly thought that "X-Box" and "MSN" logos would: a) still be around, and b) remain exactly the same as they appear now? If you're into false melodrama, stale characterisations, crude plotting and garish filmic execution, then "The Island" is for you. Everyone else should steer clear. Even red-blooded males and fans of Scarlett Johansson will likely be disappointed (Sofia Coppola's superb "Lost In Translation" has more to offer on this issue and countless others). Michael Baynality  go home!