Just Make Sure You Don't Think While You Are Watching It

Rating: 3/10 (20 July 2005)

Ewan McGregor has worked with the likes of Tim Burton and Ridley Scott. Scarlett Johansson has been directed by the daughter of one of the greatest directors of all time in an Oscar-nominated movie. Steve Buscemi has frequently been on the set with perhaps the godfathers of independent film-making, and Sean Bean has experience with just about everyone in Hollywood. So I have to wonder what went through the minds of these performers as they headed from their trailer to the set each day to find out the latest use Michael Bay had for his $100 million budget. "I should have read this script a little closer"? "My agent is so fired for this"? "At least I'm making a ton of money"? "I wonder what we get to blow up today"?
For that matter, I would be curious to witness what Michael Bay is like on the set. Surprisingly, "The Island" does not open to explosions and carnage, but actually begins with drama. In fact, Bay makes it through the first act before going buck wild. You can feel the tension mounting as the film progresses. You can picture Bay offscreen, gripping the arms of his chair, repeatedly glancing at his wristwatch. And then, he can wait no longer, and he leaps to his feet, flailing his arms wildly and screaming "ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE LET'S BLOW SOME **** UP!" And with that, all logic is abandoned. Things explode. Automobiles spiral wildly through the air. People scream. Guns blaze. And boy does this excite the filmmakers. The editor is having the time of his life, making a cut once every tenth of a second, and the cameraman is jerking the camera around as if he has completely lost his mind. Whoever is composing the score is sitting back and drinking coffee, having already taken the five minutes necessary to copy and paste an annoying jungle techno loop to run for two hours. Around the time railroad axles began falling off of the back of a truck demolishing cars (having just learned that in this futuristic world trains do not even use wheels, but levitate above the ground), I started laughing. I laughed without stopping until the credits rolled, and then I laughed my way out of the theater. In fact, "The Island" was unintentionally one of the funniest movies I have seen in years. The incredibly over the top action and the abrupt transitions between story and mindless chaos are so absurd that you cannot help but smile at how delightfully terrible this movie is.
"The Island" does in fact have a plot, and at first it actually is a decent one. Sure, quite a few of the scenes seem to be ripped straight out of "Logan's Run" (Logan 5=Lincoln 6?), but heck, maybe it was just an admiring nod to the 70's cult classic. Before it degenerated into madness, I was quite optimistic about where the film was heading. The dialogue, as you would expect, is incredibly cliché at times, and a somewhat experienced movie-goer should be able to finish a lot of the actors' lines for them. One particular line near the end of the film certainly falls into my list of the cheesiest lines ever.
"The Island" is mindless and has things exploding, which means it should attract the masses. It also makes summer blockbusters like "I, Robot" (which I did enjoy) look like a best picture nominee. There are a few things this movie will teach you, though: Cadillac, MSN, X-Box, Aquafina, Johnny Rockets, and Puma shoes are all excellent products, and stem cell research and cloning are evil Nazi practices.
May the box office slump continue...
1 star (out of 4)