The last Michael Bay film I will ever see isn't terrible...

Rating: 5/10 (17 February 2012)

Now what about the film that Michael Bay might list on his CV as his career low-point, but in reality it is the best thing he's made? In the future (2019 to be specific): Â• Everyone believes that the outside is ruined and barren. All life has moved underground.
Â• The only place pure and hospitable is the Island, a lottery is held on occasion with the lucky winner heading there, much to everyone's envy.
Â• Everyone wears white Puma tracksuits with white Puma socks and white Puma shoes.
Â• Those that don't wear black, and they are forever watching vigilantly. Looking after the 'white' wearing inhabitant's wellbeing and ensuring no-one broaches another's 'proximity'.
Â• Boats look cool and sexy (in dreams at least).
Â• The future is very future-ey.
Â• Everyone lives a pleasant but low key existence. Remaining bland and emotionless seems the name of the game.
Â• And everyone seems happy enough with thisÂ… Except Lincoln Six Echo (Ewan McGregor), he has questions.
Why white? What about outside? Why do my Puma tracky-dacks bulge whenever Jordan Two Delta walks past? Why, why? WHY?!? The boss of the facility Merrick (Sean Bean) understands his curiosity but wants it suppressed, like everyone else's. A grease monkey engineer named Mac (Steve Buscemi) appears to know more but he ain't sayin'.
New white track-suited adult arrivals show up all the time with little knowledge or co-ordination to learn toddler-aged skills from scratch, and all the while everyone just goes on and on with the repetitive day to day, pausing only to watch the next lottery draw â€“ praying that their name comes up. We learn that the average intelligence of the inhabitants is that of a 15 year old, which begs the question with all the fine track-suited ladies about how none of the guys seem to know about sex?? Shortly after Lincoln's buddy Jordan Two Delta (Scarlett Johannsen) has her number come up his inquisitive nature gets the better of him, upon learning the truth about the Island he immediately grabs Jordan and they runÂ… And run. And run. And run. For the rest of the two hour film.
Djimon Hounsou is a 'finder of missing persons' charged with locating the pair, and he is told in no uncertain terms just how important it is that they return to the facility asap, as "It is bad for public relations if products go public". He and his faceless crew maintain a dogged pursuit of the track-suited tandem all over future Los Angeles, wreaking havoc along the way.
There isn't much more to the film than that (when have Michael Bay films been head scratchers anyway?), the city background looks pretty, the Johannsen (and McGregor if you're into that sort of thing) foreground looks pretty and there is one cool scene on a bridge where the Puma'd pair are pursued on the back of a truck.
That's pretty much it really. Product placement is rampant â€“ should I really be surprised coming from the guy who made not one, not two but soon three films about a toy robot franchise? Everyone looks fresh as a daisy and in truth there isn't really much to dislike about The Island.
But there isn't that much to like either. And while being named Michael Bay's least offensive film (by me anyway) might not sound like too large a plaudit, it ensures that The Island will likely remain as the last Michael Bay film I ever saw (or will ever see).
One last one; some Johannsen nudity would've got this film a 7. (OK that's it.) Final Rating â€“ 5.5 / 10. Like the characters of Lincoln Six Echo and Jordan Two Delta 'The Island' is a product; a flashy, good-looking but ultimately dumb and pointless product that is attractive to teenagers â€“ and in the case of Johannsen to guys of all ages (*I know enough right?*).