The Jumanji Games: The Empire Strikes Backward

Rating: 6/10 (24 November 2013)

Went for the crowds, stayed for the laughs and the cheers...both of which were lacking severely. The Empire Strikes Back: Catching Fire is a highly anticipated flick for this Holiday season, and one I had no anticipation for, much like with the first installment of THE THANKSGIVING GAMES. Seriously, turkeys will even be hunted. Luckily the Humane Society was standing by for that scene, though.
This flick had it's moments. It's 28 times better than the entire Twilight Saga (if you really do the math). One, your excitement from seeing Philip Seymour Hoffman enter, even if your excitement ultimately goes nowhere (no spoiler alerts). Then, the performance of Jena Malone. She's quite the scene stealer, and my favorite part. Even when she was covered in blood, I was hoping for some kind of love-scene. It would have worked given the random nature of story progression. Seriously, just when the first half of the movie makes you almost forget they're going to remake the first film for the second half, you wonder how it will fit into the story. Then another ten minutes go by, and they force it in. Oh, and it's the 75th anniversary of the games. You know what that means. (The Hunger Games becomes the story again. We're thankful for this, because there wasn't much story to begin with).
Then Jeffrey Wright, who played Felix Leiter to badass perfection in the James Bond reboot "Casino Royale," saves the day and much of the movie. I even enjoyed seeing Amanda Plummer (of "Pulp Fiction" fame). BUT, I really found Jennifer Lawrence to be inconsistent. As good as the direction is, and it is much better than the shaky-cam first outing, I still felt like her work was manufactured. As if she would "turn it on" for a couple of look-what-an-academy-award-winner-is-capable-of scenes, and then was bored for the rest of it.
See, it's not that I don't get it. I understand that there's a lot more than just a movie trailer bringing people to the theater for a movie like this. There are a lot of movies like these...these days. Made from books that begin a fan base, or as movie studio heads refer to as guaranteed ticket sales...especially when you can stretch three books into four installments of a movie...um...trilogy.
My problem with movies "these days" is...there's hardly any rewatch value! It may have taken me too many years to realize "Hook" was NOT one of the greatest movies ever made, but I was still always waiting for Peter Banning (Robin Williams) to take flight, and that's what I felt like I was waiting for during the first half or two thirds of this flick. I was waiting for Robin Williams to fly...but at least once he does, there's no Tinker Bell scene to slow it back down. (Following me? When the hunger games start, it stays pretty engaging, and it's better than "Hook" for the most part).
There's a formula. Movies thrive on a formula. Half an hour into the movie, you better have a shark attack or people are going to forget what they're waiting for. Then, an hour into the movie, you have your big twist or action sequence that propels you into the second act of your story. This is when the Millennium Falcon lands on the Death Star (check it, 60 minutes in). NOT when we learn there's going to be a new Hunger Games! That's what we came to see! Then we forgot about what we came to see and were invested in exploring this alternate-reality deal we got going on.
What director Topher Allen woulda coulda shoulda done is start us in the jungle from Predator so we could see The Jumaji Games right from the start. Movies don't play like books. The closest we'll see is a Tarantino flick. Right down to the Chapter Titles. Actually, his favorite flick of the past 20 years (since he's been making movies) is a film called "Battle Royale." On the American blu-ray is a quote saying "I wish I made this movie!" by Tarantino. If you're willing to prove your love for the story of "The Hunger Games," I dare you to watch this Japanese film. Long story short, "The Hunger Games" was a creative way to remake "Battle Royale." Of course, when I say "creative," I just think rip-off is an ugly word. Plus, an ultra-violent gory Japanese kill-em-all turns into a tween movie sensation much like the Twilight Saga? Creativity.
With the sequel, though, we don't even get to hear the Jumanji drums until it's halfway over. And they come in the form of deaths in the games, even though the players don't use the sound of the drums to their advantage. (Katniss falls down in a scene and plays dead. Her killer completely ignored the fact that there were no death-signifying drums, but this conveniently played into a twist a few minutes later, I guess). Anyways, in my version of this film, we should have flashbacked to the oh-so-important details from the book that fans have been waiting to complain about being left out! Alas, here we're back in the alternate-reality-future from the first movie that I've never been quite sure about. How did we get to this? I think I fell asleep during these same scenes from the first flick and missed out on the whole concept.
Is this our future or alternate reality? Is it Earth? Wherever it is, thank whatever God exists for the jumpsuits by Adidas for being the saving grace for human sexuality. Without them, I doubt there'd be any reason to procreate in a society with that sense of fashion and style. Woody Harrelson's freaking hair doesn't even fit, and you're not even supposed to take him seriously.
Go see "Ender's Game."